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WEBVTT 1 00:00:43.168 --> 00:00:46.672 ~ Suntan lotion is good for me 2 00:00:46.797 --> 00:00:48.549 ~ You protect me 3 00:00:48.674 --> 00:00:50.384 ~ Tee-hee-hee 4 00:00:51.760 --> 00:00:57.140 Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it, will ya? 5 00:00:58.725 --> 00:01:03.146 Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good. 6 00:01:03.272 --> 00:01:05.315 (blows raspberries ) 7 00:01:07.484 --> 00:01:09.528 Smiley. 8 00:01:17.828 --> 00:01:21.915 There's something important I was supposed to do today. 9 00:01:22.040 --> 00:01:24.418 Have five daiquiris? 10 00:01:24.585 --> 00:01:27.462 No, you remembered to do that. 11 00:01:28.589 --> 00:01:32.259 Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember. 12 00:01:33.427 --> 00:01:36.597 - What's today? - October? 13 00:01:37.556 --> 00:01:40.309 It's nudie-magazine day! 14 00:01:41.226 --> 00:01:43.270 Yeah! 15 00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:55.324 Watch out, butler! 16 00:01:55.449 --> 00:01:57.492 Ooh, you're a quick one. 17 00:02:08.128 --> 00:02:11.215 Nudie-magazine day! Nudie-magazine day! 18 00:02:11.757 --> 00:02:14.051 Nudie-magazine day! Nudie... 19 00:02:14.218 --> 00:02:16.261 Agh! Ooh! 20 00:02:38.700 --> 00:02:40.744 Ooh. 21 00:02:41.203 --> 00:02:42.371 Eee... 22 00:02:45.457 --> 00:02:47.501 Ah! 23 00:02:48.710 --> 00:02:50.754 Oh! 24 00:02:54.508 --> 00:02:56.552 (squawking ) 25 00:03:00.389 --> 00:03:02.432 Holy jeez! 26 00:03:02.599 --> 00:03:07.646 Lookee what we got here. That silly penguin is back again. 27 00:03:07.813 --> 00:03:11.400 No, Mr Madison, there no penguin. You got too much sun today. 28 00:03:11.567 --> 00:03:14.361 - There no penguin! - (squawks ) 29 00:03:14.486 --> 00:03:19.199 It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here. 30 00:03:20.868 --> 00:03:24.037 I gotta send him back to the South Pole. 31 00:03:25.789 --> 00:03:27.833 No! 32 00:03:36.884 --> 00:03:41.180 Penguin! Don't you dare run away! 33 00:03:42.347 --> 00:03:45.184 Come here, Mr Penguin! 34 00:03:46.602 --> 00:03:48.729 I'm one of the good guys, penguin. 35 00:03:48.854 --> 00:03:51.857 Don't run! Oh. Oh... 36 00:04:02.659 --> 00:04:05.204 Don't run! 37 00:04:05.329 --> 00:04:08.165 Don't run from me! 38 00:04:08.332 --> 00:04:10.375 Penguin! 39 00:04:14.963 --> 00:04:15.881 Penguin. 40 00:04:22.679 --> 00:04:25.599 You're a bad penguin. 41 00:04:26.183 --> 00:04:27.726 Whee-hee! 42 00:04:27.851 --> 00:04:29.728 Call the zoo! 43 00:04:33.315 --> 00:04:38.195 All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin. 44 00:04:38.320 --> 00:04:41.823 They'll treat you real respectable, like. 45 00:04:43.242 --> 00:04:46.411 There's nothing to worry about, big fella. 46 00:04:48.330 --> 00:04:50.207 Here I come! 47 00:04:58.131 --> 00:05:02.261 Right this way, gentlemen. Mr Madison is expecting you. 48 00:05:06.014 --> 00:05:07.474 Leg. 49 00:05:09.935 --> 00:05:15.274 Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front of your father's business associates. 50 00:05:15.399 --> 00:05:19.152 Now you get yourself upstairs and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes. 51 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.613 - Yeah, yeah. - Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy. 52 00:05:21.738 --> 00:05:24.908 This is a very important dinner. You best be there. 53 00:05:25.075 --> 00:05:28.161 I will. Thank you, Juanita. 54 00:05:28.871 --> 00:05:32.374 You gotta dress yourself up and look nice, too. 55 00:05:32.499 --> 00:05:36.170 Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work all right. 56 00:05:37.629 --> 00:05:40.299 He's a fine piece of ass though, too. 57 00:05:47.764 --> 00:05:49.975 Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'. 58 00:05:50.100 --> 00:05:54.396 I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car. You should've had some. 59 00:05:54.563 --> 00:05:57.399 If you'd told me there were Triscuit crackers,... 60 00:05:57.524 --> 00:06:00.110 - ..I could've enjoyed them with you. - I'm sorry. 61 00:06:00.277 --> 00:06:03.906 Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach, does it, Carl? 62 00:06:04.072 --> 00:06:07.743 Gentlemen? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. 63 00:06:07.910 --> 00:06:12.873 Have you all met? Eric Gordon, my executive vice president. 64 00:06:12.998 --> 00:06:17.711 And our operations manager Carl Alphonse. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down. 65 00:06:17.878 --> 00:06:19.838 Beautiful table. 66 00:06:19.963 --> 00:06:22.007 Good seeing you, sir. 67 00:06:25.469 --> 00:06:27.888 Where's Billy? 68 00:06:29.431 --> 00:06:32.100 Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes. 69 00:06:32.226 --> 00:06:35.062 I'm sure you'll all be very impressed. 70 00:06:35.187 --> 00:06:39.900 Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. 71 00:06:40.067 --> 00:06:42.361 Conditioner is better. 72 00:06:42.528 --> 00:06:45.864 I leave the hair silky and smooth. 73 00:06:46.031 --> 00:06:48.450 Oh, really, fool? Really! 74 00:06:52.621 --> 00:06:54.665 Stop looking at me, swan. 75 00:07:06.051 --> 00:07:08.220 (slurps ) 76 00:07:20.107 --> 00:07:22.442 - Hey, Carl, what's up? - Nothing much, Billy. 77 00:07:22.609 --> 00:07:24.945 - I see you got a little sun today. - You think so? 78 00:07:25.112 --> 00:07:29.950 - I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours. - Did you fall asleep or did you pass out? 79 00:07:31.952 --> 00:07:34.204 Shut up! 80 00:07:34.371 --> 00:07:38.834 That's enough, Billy. Because you took your sweet-ass time coming down here,... 81 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.170 ..these gentlemen will miss their flights. 82 00:07:41.336 --> 00:07:45.174 Well, this guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much. 83 00:07:51.972 --> 00:07:54.349 Billy? Eat your soup. 84 00:07:55.058 --> 00:07:56.768 It's good soup. 85 00:07:58.145 --> 00:08:01.315 Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough for coming this evening. 86 00:08:01.481 --> 00:08:03.901 (yells gibberish ) 87 00:08:04.067 --> 00:08:07.404 Please, Billy, please, no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you. 88 00:08:07.571 --> 00:08:09.573 Sorry, Daddy. 89 00:08:10.407 --> 00:08:14.536 This is a big night for me tonight, gents. I have an important announcement. 90 00:08:14.703 --> 00:08:16.955 (fast gibberish ) 91 00:08:17.122 --> 00:08:20.209 That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here! 92 00:08:22.461 --> 00:08:24.755 (slow gibberish ) 93 00:08:33.013 --> 00:08:36.975 - Nice talkin' to you, Billy. - (singsong gibberish ) 94 00:08:38.101 --> 00:08:39.937 (yells ) 95 00:08:49.446 --> 00:08:51.448 Right. One, two, three! 96 00:08:54.076 --> 00:08:56.995 Hey, Billy, how come you ain't poundin' any tonight? 97 00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:01.416 I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me. I'm just not in the mood. 98 00:09:02.876 --> 00:09:08.549 Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson? 99 00:09:08.715 --> 00:09:12.511 Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4? 100 00:09:12.678 --> 00:09:14.680 '7 4. 101 00:09:16.098 --> 00:09:18.308 - Meg Ryan. - Go. 102 00:09:18.475 --> 00:09:21.311 Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! 103 00:09:24.481 --> 00:09:26.733 Oh, my God! I am the winner! 104 00:09:26.900 --> 00:09:30.487 - Billy is not an idiot. - I'm not saying he's an idiot. 105 00:09:30.654 --> 00:09:35.242 I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company. 106 00:09:36.326 --> 00:09:39.162 My late wife Emily and I started this company... 107 00:09:39.288 --> 00:09:42.416 ..with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island. 108 00:09:42.583 --> 00:09:45.043 We built it into 650 hotels. 109 00:09:45.210 --> 00:09:50.048 Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son Billy. 110 00:09:50.215 --> 00:09:53.677 - How many people work for Madison? - 61,000 and change. 111 00:09:53.844 --> 00:09:59.600 How long will they have jobs once Billy has the hotel operator speaking gibberish? 112 00:10:06.315 --> 00:10:08.192 Oh, Billy, Billy boy. 113 00:10:08.358 --> 00:10:12.070 When are you gonna find whatever it is you're lookin' for? 114 00:10:12.237 --> 00:10:14.656 Here's a nice piece of shit. 115 00:10:20.787 --> 00:10:24.666 My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens realises it's a bag of shit. 116 00:10:24.833 --> 00:10:27.878 He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit. 117 00:10:28.045 --> 00:10:30.589 Who got the lighter? 118 00:10:30.756 --> 00:10:32.758 Come on. 119 00:10:41.266 --> 00:10:43.268 Light it. 120 00:10:47.648 --> 00:10:49.650 (rings doorbell) 121 00:10:52.194 --> 00:10:54.696 Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit! 122 00:10:54.863 --> 00:10:56.448 Shh. Here he comes! 123 00:10:56.615 --> 00:10:58.784 Who the hell is it? What do you want? 124 00:10:58.951 --> 00:11:01.745 Judas Priest, Barbara! One of those flaming bags again! 125 00:11:01.912 --> 00:11:04.581 (Barbara ) Don't put it out with your boots, Ted. 126 00:11:04.748 --> 00:11:07.042 Don't tell me my business, devil woman. 127 00:11:07.376 --> 00:11:10.921 Call the fire department. This one's outta control(!) 128 00:11:15.092 --> 00:11:17.094 (sniffs ) 129 00:11:19.888 --> 00:11:21.598 It's poop again! 130 00:11:21.723 --> 00:11:24.184 He called the shit ''poop''! 131 00:11:25.227 --> 00:11:28.021 This is the best night of my life! 132 00:11:28.146 --> 00:11:33.026 I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die! 133 00:11:35.946 --> 00:11:38.657 Billy, could you step in here for a moment? 134 00:11:38.824 --> 00:11:41.076 I have big news. 135 00:11:41.243 --> 00:11:45.164 Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy! 136 00:11:45.289 --> 00:11:48.917 Feel those kicks! He's gonna be a soccer player. He is. 137 00:11:49.042 --> 00:11:51.670 He is. 138 00:11:55.549 --> 00:11:57.801 All right, what's up? 139 00:11:57.968 --> 00:12:00.470 I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy. 140 00:12:00.596 --> 00:12:03.182 Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here? 141 00:12:03.307 --> 00:12:07.269 You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything. 142 00:12:07.394 --> 00:12:10.272 Toys, cars, vacations, clothes... 143 00:12:10.397 --> 00:12:12.858 Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank. 144 00:12:12.983 --> 00:12:17.070 Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault. I made a mistake. 145 00:12:17.196 --> 00:12:20.991 Jeez, what...? Are you some damned moron? 146 00:12:21.116 --> 00:12:23.577 Can't you just stop for two seconds? 147 00:12:23.702 --> 00:12:27.039 I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring, and Eric, not you,... 148 00:12:27.164 --> 00:12:29.833 - ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels. - Eric?! 149 00:12:30.334 --> 00:12:34.254 You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man! 150 00:12:34.379 --> 00:12:39.301 What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh? 151 00:12:39.426 --> 00:12:43.889 I mean, I'm doin' you a favour. You don't ever have to look for a job. 152 00:12:44.014 --> 00:12:49.102 You can sit around all day, goofing off, sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins. 153 00:12:49.561 --> 00:12:52.898 Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this? 154 00:12:53.023 --> 00:12:55.150 - Penguin? - What an idiot. 155 00:12:55.275 --> 00:12:58.153 You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it. 156 00:12:58.278 --> 00:13:02.950 I think crazy Carl is right. I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it. 157 00:13:03.075 --> 00:13:05.536 High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated. 158 00:13:05.661 --> 00:13:08.705 Because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades. 159 00:13:08.831 --> 00:13:11.875 I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time... 160 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:15.546 ..if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college... 161 00:13:15.671 --> 00:13:18.715 - ..and straighten yourself out. - I don't believe that. 162 00:13:18.841 --> 00:13:22.177 Well, what do you believe? That you were an honours student? 163 00:13:22.302 --> 00:13:27.683 How could I hand over my company to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own? 164 00:13:27.808 --> 00:13:31.311 I don't know. Don't think about it. Just hand it over. 165 00:13:33.355 --> 00:13:35.399 Forget it. 166 00:13:37.234 --> 00:13:40.988 Well, listen, don't you think you better go to bed? Big day tomorrow. 167 00:13:41.113 --> 00:13:45.868 A day filled with daiquiris and Nintendos and jack-off magazines... 168 00:13:48.495 --> 00:13:50.539 Dad! 169 00:13:51.373 --> 00:13:52.708 Yeah, what? 170 00:13:52.833 --> 00:13:55.669 Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over. 171 00:13:55.794 --> 00:14:00.382 I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again. 172 00:14:00.507 --> 00:14:05.637 - I'll get my diploma all by myself. - Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school. 173 00:14:05.762 --> 00:14:08.473 Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? 174 00:14:08.599 --> 00:14:11.518 - No, you didn't. - Rock. 175 00:14:11.643 --> 00:14:14.021 R-o-k. 176 00:14:14.146 --> 00:14:16.899 Yeah? So what's your point? 177 00:14:17.024 --> 00:14:20.444 - R-o-c-k! - The C is silent. 178 00:14:21.737 --> 00:14:23.906 OK, all right. 179 00:14:24.031 --> 00:14:28.619 All right, you got it. First grade through 12th grade all over again. 180 00:14:29.536 --> 00:14:34.124 I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the tests, regraduate,... 181 00:14:34.249 --> 00:14:40.047 ..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels. 182 00:14:40.172 --> 00:14:42.216 That's some idea. 183 00:14:43.258 --> 00:14:46.803 - You just think of that? - Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh? 184 00:14:48.096 --> 00:14:51.183 Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels... 185 00:14:51.308 --> 00:14:56.021 ..and its 61,000 employees is too important to gamble on a game like this? 186 00:14:56.146 --> 00:14:58.190 No. 187 00:14:59.525 --> 00:15:02.361 You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements. 188 00:15:03.487 --> 00:15:08.784 You pass every grade before June 15 and you take over instead of Eric. 189 00:15:10.244 --> 00:15:14.748 Have a nice weekend, son. You start school on Monday. 190 00:15:15.249 --> 00:15:16.458 Oh! 191 00:15:16.583 --> 00:15:18.627 Give 'em hell, Bill. 192 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:25.217 Nice try, asswipe. But you're just delaying the inevitable. 193 00:15:29.096 --> 00:15:31.765 (~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club ) 194 00:15:33.350 --> 00:15:37.437 ~ Downtown we'll drown, we're in our never splendour 195 00:15:37.563 --> 00:15:39.731 ~ Flowers, showers 196 00:15:39.857 --> 00:15:42.109 ~ Who's got the new boy gender? 197 00:15:42.234 --> 00:15:45.737 ~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score 198 00:15:46.363 --> 00:15:49.366 ~ I'll run the gun for you and so much more 199 00:15:49.491 --> 00:15:51.118 ~ I'll tumble for ya 200 00:15:51.618 --> 00:15:53.245 ~ I'll tumble for ya 201 00:15:53.745 --> 00:15:57.875 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you 202 00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.418 ~ I'll tumble for ya 203 00:16:00.127 --> 00:16:01.712 ~ I'll tumble for ya 204 00:16:02.254 --> 00:16:05.299 ~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble 205 00:16:09.553 --> 00:16:13.473 ~ I get a crazy feeling that chases in my head 206 00:16:13.599 --> 00:16:17.311 ~ It's nothing that you do to me, it's nothing that you said 207 00:16:17.811 --> 00:16:19.605 Where's my Snack Pack? 208 00:16:19.730 --> 00:16:22.441 You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack. 209 00:16:22.566 --> 00:16:26.069 You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?! 210 00:16:26.195 --> 00:16:28.614 I thought I was your Snack Pack. 211 00:16:28.739 --> 00:16:30.991 - What are you talkin' about? - Nothin'. 212 00:16:31.658 --> 00:16:33.785 Bill, you're gonna miss the bus. 213 00:16:33.911 --> 00:16:36.872 Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway. 214 00:16:36.997 --> 00:16:39.416 - What a weirdo! - (Juanita laughs ) 215 00:16:42.294 --> 00:16:44.963 ~ Oh, back to school 216 00:16:45.088 --> 00:16:46.673 ~ Back to school 217 00:16:46.798 --> 00:16:50.761 ~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool 218 00:16:50.886 --> 00:16:54.139 ~ I got my lunch packed up 219 00:16:54.264 --> 00:16:56.099 ~ My boots tied tight 220 00:16:56.225 --> 00:16:59.561 ~ I hope I don't get in a fight 221 00:17:00.145 --> 00:17:02.564 ~ Oh, back to school 222 00:17:02.689 --> 00:17:06.443 ~ Back to school, back to school... 223 00:17:09.988 --> 00:17:12.449 Well, here goes nothin'. 224 00:17:30.843 --> 00:17:32.886 Thank you, Daddy. 225 00:17:47.985 --> 00:17:49.945 - Hi. How you doin'? - Fine. 226 00:17:50.070 --> 00:17:52.155 Are you going to class today, too? 227 00:17:52.281 --> 00:17:54.992 I'll be going to class to teach. How about you? 228 00:17:55.284 --> 00:17:57.619 I'll be going to learn. 229 00:17:57.744 --> 00:18:00.706 Ah. You must be Billy Madison. 230 00:18:00.831 --> 00:18:02.082 Yes, I am. 231 00:18:02.207 --> 00:18:06.628 Don't you think it's pathetic that because of your father you get to do school again? 232 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:09.673 - Yes, I do. - Well, as long as you know. 233 00:18:09.798 --> 00:18:11.842 Well, all right! 234 00:18:18.724 --> 00:18:20.767 (bell rings ) 235 00:18:26.732 --> 00:18:28.775 (children shrieking ) 236 00:18:32.863 --> 00:18:35.199 Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast. 237 00:18:35.324 --> 00:18:37.367 - What? - Beans. 238 00:18:42.623 --> 00:18:45.542 Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty? 239 00:18:46.919 --> 00:18:50.297 - Hey. How you doin'? - Let's involve the class. 240 00:18:50.422 --> 00:18:52.883 Quiet down, my special people. 241 00:18:55.511 --> 00:18:57.763 I want you all to meet... 242 00:18:57.888 --> 00:19:00.557 ..our new friend Billy. 243 00:19:00.682 --> 00:19:04.853 - Can everyone say hello to Billy? - Hello, Billy. 244 00:19:04.978 --> 00:19:06.605 Hi. 245 00:19:06.730 --> 00:19:11.026 Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks. 246 00:19:11.151 --> 00:19:15.364 Billy is special, just like each and every one of you. 247 00:19:15.948 --> 00:19:19.034 And what do we do to our special people? 248 00:19:26.208 --> 00:19:28.252 All right. All right. 249 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.925 Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front here? 250 00:19:35.050 --> 00:19:38.762 And we can start story time. 251 00:19:40.013 --> 00:19:42.057 You got a misshaped head. 252 00:19:42.182 --> 00:19:44.226 Thank you. 253 00:19:48.438 --> 00:19:52.985 The Puppy Who Lost His Way by Chrissy Taylor. 254 00:19:54.611 --> 00:19:57.030 ''One fine morning... 255 00:19:57.155 --> 00:20:03.036 ..a puppy popped his puppy paws out of his puppy house.'' 256 00:20:03.162 --> 00:20:05.914 ''This was no ordinary puppy.'' 257 00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:11.211 ''This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.'' 258 00:20:11.336 --> 00:20:17.718 ''In fact, his name was Happy. Happy looked through the bushes...'' 259 00:20:17.843 --> 00:20:22.014 '''I'll never let you get lost again', cried the little boy,... 260 00:20:22.139 --> 00:20:26.059 ..who was so happy that he gave Happy a kiss... 261 00:20:26.185 --> 00:20:29.062 ..on his wet little puppy nose.'' 262 00:20:30.063 --> 00:20:32.357 ''The end.'' 263 00:20:32.482 --> 00:20:37.029 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like... 264 00:20:37.154 --> 00:20:40.741 ..is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. 265 00:20:40.866 --> 00:20:45.704 He didn't put posters up. He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. 266 00:20:45.829 --> 00:20:50.292 That little boy's gotta think: you got a pet, you got a responsibility. 267 00:20:50.417 --> 00:20:54.129 If your dog gets lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits. 268 00:20:54.254 --> 00:20:58.050 You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog! 269 00:21:01.470 --> 00:21:05.599 I think it's time to play dodge ball. 270 00:21:21.657 --> 00:21:24.117 You're out! O'Doyle rules! 271 00:21:31.792 --> 00:21:34.044 (sitar music ) 272 00:21:47.307 --> 00:21:49.726 Billy. What are you doing back? 273 00:21:49.852 --> 00:21:51.895 I'm out. 274 00:21:52.980 --> 00:21:57.734 Well, that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts. 275 00:21:57.860 --> 00:22:01.947 That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway. I'll just sit here and colour or something. 276 00:22:02.072 --> 00:22:06.451 Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time. 277 00:22:06.577 --> 00:22:11.832 Not just for you boys and girls, but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside. 278 00:22:23.427 --> 00:22:25.345 (children ) Whoa! 279 00:22:25.470 --> 00:22:28.557 Now you're all in big, big trouble. 280 00:22:29.266 --> 00:22:31.935 (~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones ) 281 00:22:40.152 --> 00:22:41.737 You're out! 282 00:22:41.862 --> 00:22:43.614 Oh, yeah! 283 00:22:48.243 --> 00:22:49.536 (bell rings ) 284 00:22:49.661 --> 00:22:51.330 Lunchtime! 285 00:22:58.587 --> 00:23:01.256 I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good. 286 00:23:03.717 --> 00:23:06.970 Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? 287 00:23:08.388 --> 00:23:11.308 You know how badly I can beat you, right? 288 00:23:14.436 --> 00:23:18.148 Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever. 289 00:23:18.273 --> 00:23:22.694 I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever. 290 00:23:22.819 --> 00:23:26.532 - Donkey Kong sucks. - You know somethin'? You suck. 291 00:23:28.617 --> 00:23:31.537 ~ Number one, number one 292 00:23:31.662 --> 00:23:34.248 ~ Now my song has just begun 293 00:23:34.373 --> 00:23:37.709 ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum 294 00:23:37.835 --> 00:23:40.796 ~ Hey, what country folk we be 295 00:23:44.216 --> 00:23:47.261 ~ Number two, number two 296 00:23:47.386 --> 00:23:50.013 ~ Roosters crow, cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo 297 00:23:50.138 --> 00:23:53.600 ~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum 298 00:23:53.725 --> 00:23:57.020 ~ Hey, what countryfolk we be 299 00:24:00.232 --> 00:24:03.068 ~ Number three, number three 300 00:24:03.193 --> 00:24:05.612 ~ I like you and you like me 301 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:22.129 Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at school. 302 00:24:22.254 --> 00:24:24.882 He's not my brother. He's my son. 303 00:24:26.049 --> 00:24:30.179 - You gotta be kiddin' me. - Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class. 304 00:24:30.304 --> 00:24:32.723 I heard he's retarded or something. 305 00:24:33.724 --> 00:24:35.267 (laughs ) 306 00:24:35.976 --> 00:24:39.813 Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money. 307 00:24:39.938 --> 00:24:44.026 Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time. 308 00:24:44.151 --> 00:24:46.195 My dear Lord. 309 00:24:46.320 --> 00:24:50.449 Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin' right now. I gotta get on the bus. 310 00:24:50.574 --> 00:24:53.785 I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers. 311 00:24:53.911 --> 00:24:56.872 This programme to make sure they turn the wheels right... 312 00:24:56.997 --> 00:24:59.249 Billy, you forgot your stuff. 313 00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.965 Come on, honey. 314 00:25:07.090 --> 00:25:09.551 Thank you very much, Miss Lippy! 315 00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:15.557 - (phone rings ) - Yes. 316 00:25:15.682 --> 00:25:20.020 - (secretary ) Brian Madison for you. - Tell him I'm out to lunch. 317 00:25:20.145 --> 00:25:22.272 Billy Madison. 318 00:25:22.397 --> 00:25:28.237 A buffoon. And yet a threat to my eventual takeover of this company. 319 00:25:28.362 --> 00:25:31.740 A menace. And what do we do with a menace? 320 00:25:31.865 --> 00:25:36.286 We eliminate it. We eliminate Billy Madison. 321 00:25:36.411 --> 00:25:38.914 - Tricia Labonte? - Here. 322 00:25:40.624 --> 00:25:42.876 - Scotty Logan? - Here. 323 00:25:44.419 --> 00:25:46.964 - Billy Madison? - (blows raspberry ) 324 00:25:48.006 --> 00:25:50.050 (laughing ) 325 00:25:59.685 --> 00:26:00.936 Hm... 326 00:26:25.502 --> 00:26:28.505 Hey. Look at all this milk. 327 00:26:28.630 --> 00:26:32.885 - You want some of this milk? - That milk belongs to that classroom. 328 00:26:33.010 --> 00:26:36.722 Oh. They don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk. 329 00:26:36.847 --> 00:26:39.725 No milk will ever be our milk. 330 00:26:40.601 --> 00:26:42.644 Ooh. That wasn't very nice. 331 00:26:42.769 --> 00:26:46.190 How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk? 332 00:26:46.315 --> 00:26:47.941 Rather have a beer. 333 00:27:21.016 --> 00:27:24.394 I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before... 334 00:27:24.520 --> 00:27:27.606 ..and, to be honest with ya, I wanted to see a blue duck. 335 00:27:27.898 --> 00:27:30.984 Well, it's an excellent blue duck. 336 00:27:31.109 --> 00:27:35.072 Congratulations. You just passed the first grade. 337 00:27:35.197 --> 00:27:37.950 Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great. 338 00:27:38.075 --> 00:27:40.202 What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck? 339 00:27:40.327 --> 00:27:42.788 That's quack-tastic! 340 00:27:46.166 --> 00:27:48.627 Wow! Look at all that candy! 341 00:27:49.586 --> 00:27:51.296 Rolex! 342 00:27:54.508 --> 00:27:58.428 - Thanks for the watch, Billy. - You're welcome, buddy. 343 00:27:58.554 --> 00:28:04.393 This is great. When I graduated first grade all my father did was tell me to get a job. 344 00:28:04.518 --> 00:28:05.519 (braying ) 345 00:28:05.644 --> 00:28:09.523 Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer, get it all messed up? 346 00:28:09.648 --> 00:28:13.443 - Maybe later. - I'll go put some beer in a bucket. 347 00:28:13.569 --> 00:28:17.072 - OK. - Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'? 348 00:28:17.197 --> 00:28:19.241 (Eric ) Go! 349 00:28:22.578 --> 00:28:25.247 Come on, kid! Get up! Get up! 350 00:28:25.372 --> 00:28:27.958 You're humiliating yourself! Get up! 351 00:28:30.544 --> 00:28:32.588 Whoa, whoa, whoa... 352 00:28:35.674 --> 00:28:37.384 Aaah! 353 00:28:53.192 --> 00:28:57.237 So he's passed first grade and he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do. 354 00:28:57.362 --> 00:28:59.698 Any more information, Rollo? 355 00:29:04.036 --> 00:29:06.246 Billy likes to drink soda. 356 00:29:09.625 --> 00:29:12.669 Miss Lippy's car is green. 357 00:29:15.631 --> 00:29:18.717 And now we have just two students left. 358 00:29:20.719 --> 00:29:22.554 Bath. 359 00:29:22.930 --> 00:29:25.057 Bath. 360 00:29:25.182 --> 00:29:29.645 B-a-t-h. 361 00:29:29.770 --> 00:29:31.980 - Bath. - Correct! 362 00:29:32.105 --> 00:29:36.360 Bath - that's a little easy. Why don't you just give her the trophy? 363 00:29:37.528 --> 00:29:39.154 Cheese. 364 00:29:41.156 --> 00:29:42.199 Cheese. 365 00:29:42.449 --> 00:29:49.456 C-h-e-e-s-e. 366 00:29:49.581 --> 00:29:51.875 - Cheese. - Correct. 367 00:29:53.502 --> 00:29:56.630 - Couch. - Couch. 368 00:29:58.799 --> 00:30:00.175 C... 369 00:30:00.300 --> 00:30:03.554 C-o... 370 00:30:04.680 --> 00:30:06.974 - W? - No! 371 00:30:07.307 --> 00:30:10.185 No, I'm sorry, that's not right. 372 00:30:10.310 --> 00:30:11.979 (laughs ) 373 00:30:12.104 --> 00:30:16.066 Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade. 374 00:30:18.443 --> 00:30:19.778 Couch. 375 00:30:19.903 --> 00:30:21.947 C... 376 00:30:22.698 --> 00:30:24.324 Cou... 377 00:30:24.741 --> 00:30:26.326 Cou... 378 00:30:27.411 --> 00:30:29.454 C-o... 379 00:30:30.539 --> 00:30:34.668 R... Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking. 380 00:30:34.793 --> 00:30:38.380 No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister. 381 00:30:39.381 --> 00:30:41.425 C-o-u... 382 00:30:43.218 --> 00:30:45.345 ..c-h? 383 00:30:46.555 --> 00:30:48.473 Correct! 384 00:30:48.599 --> 00:30:51.685 I am the smartest man alive! 385 00:30:53.103 --> 00:30:55.647 (squealing ) 386 00:30:57.858 --> 00:31:01.278 Is he gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade? 387 00:31:02.029 --> 00:31:04.364 (Carl) Everybody's having a good time but you. 388 00:31:04.490 --> 00:31:06.950 Spoilt snot. Get outta here. 389 00:31:07.951 --> 00:31:12.956 Let me ask you something, Carl. You started here, what, 25 years ago? 390 00:31:13.081 --> 00:31:15.667 Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison? 391 00:31:15.792 --> 00:31:21.381 After all your hard work, how would you feel working for some punk kid like Billy? 392 00:31:22.049 --> 00:31:23.884 Could be worse. 393 00:31:27.262 --> 00:31:28.555 That's nice. 394 00:31:31.391 --> 00:31:34.228 Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... 395 00:31:34.353 --> 00:31:38.398 ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. 396 00:31:40.359 --> 00:31:43.195 Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,... 397 00:31:43.320 --> 00:31:46.198 ..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough. 398 00:31:46.323 --> 00:31:48.534 Relax, dude. 399 00:31:49.660 --> 00:31:51.119 Jackpot. 400 00:31:51.245 --> 00:31:55.624 - Good morning, class. - Good morning, Miss Vaughn. 401 00:31:55.749 --> 00:32:00.921 We're gonna start today by reading a short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''. 402 00:32:01.046 --> 00:32:03.006 Quiet. 403 00:32:03.131 --> 00:32:07.386 OK, so let's all open up our Reading is Fun books to page 69. 404 00:32:07.511 --> 00:32:09.555 69! 405 00:32:12.266 --> 00:32:15.102 Class, say hello to Billy Madison. 406 00:32:15.227 --> 00:32:18.564 Hello, Billy Madison. 407 00:32:18.689 --> 00:32:21.608 Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks. 408 00:32:21.733 --> 00:32:24.820 I apologise for this inconvenience. 409 00:32:25.612 --> 00:32:28.866 - Jeez! What's up her butt? - What was that, Billy? 410 00:32:28.991 --> 00:32:32.077 I said ''Reading is good.'' 411 00:32:32.202 --> 00:32:34.663 Can we start the story now? 412 00:32:37.040 --> 00:32:39.084 Dan, you may begin. 413 00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:41.628 ''O... o... once... 414 00:32:41.753 --> 00:32:44.631 ..th... th... there w... was... 415 00:32:44.756 --> 00:32:47.301 ..a g... g... girl... 416 00:32:47.426 --> 00:32:49.511 ..who w...'' 417 00:32:49.636 --> 00:32:51.847 - He can't even read. - Cut it out, dude. 418 00:32:51.972 --> 00:32:54.433 You're gonna get us in trouble. 419 00:32:55.225 --> 00:32:57.853 ''..p... p... p... p...'' 420 00:32:57.978 --> 00:33:00.063 T... t... t... today, junior! 421 00:33:10.240 --> 00:33:13.285 Ow! You're tearing my ear off! 422 00:33:13.410 --> 00:33:18.248 Making fun of a kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul? 423 00:33:18.373 --> 00:33:21.919 I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear. 424 00:33:22.044 --> 00:33:27.007 Keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. 425 00:33:27.132 --> 00:33:31.887 I see your lips movin', but I can't make out your words. I'm deaf. 426 00:33:33.514 --> 00:33:36.892 Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot. 427 00:33:37.017 --> 00:33:39.228 Want to touch the heinie. 428 00:33:39.353 --> 00:33:41.230 (howls ) 429 00:33:41.355 --> 00:33:45.150 So that girlie I've been chasin'? Turns out she's my third-grade teacher. 430 00:33:45.275 --> 00:33:47.820 First thing she does is kick me out of her class. 431 00:33:47.945 --> 00:33:50.864 Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you. 432 00:33:50.989 --> 00:33:54.076 - Or she's got somethin' up her ass. - That's what I said. 433 00:33:54.201 --> 00:33:56.703 - Poor Billy. - I'm so depressed. 434 00:33:57.579 --> 00:34:00.165 - Want me to take my shirt off for you? - No, thank you. 435 00:34:00.290 --> 00:34:03.961 OK, baby. But remember, the offer is on the table. 436 00:34:05.754 --> 00:34:09.633 Oh, yes. Oh, my. 437 00:34:09.758 --> 00:34:11.844 Oh, God, yes. 438 00:34:11.969 --> 00:34:14.221 - Lordy. - Billy Madison. 439 00:34:14.346 --> 00:34:15.472 Uh-huh? 440 00:34:15.597 --> 00:34:19.852 Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today? 441 00:34:19.977 --> 00:34:22.020 OK. Sure. 442 00:34:28.944 --> 00:34:30.988 OK, how about the word ''dugout''? 443 00:34:41.540 --> 00:34:43.876 OK, good. How about ''bunt''? 444 00:34:52.926 --> 00:34:56.305 Bunt. B-u-n-t. 445 00:34:56.430 --> 00:35:00.893 In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters? 446 00:35:02.269 --> 00:35:04.313 Rizzuto. 447 00:35:11.069 --> 00:35:13.113 Z... Z... 448 00:35:22.122 --> 00:35:23.749 Rirruto? 449 00:35:24.833 --> 00:35:27.127 Those are Zs. 450 00:35:27.252 --> 00:35:29.171 They look like Rs to me. 451 00:35:29.296 --> 00:35:34.635 That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word. He's a baseball player. You're cheating. 452 00:35:34.760 --> 00:35:37.137 Would you like to try the word ''buzz''? 453 00:35:37.262 --> 00:35:39.264 (children laugh ) 454 00:35:39.389 --> 00:35:42.226 I hate cursive and I hate all of you! 455 00:35:42.351 --> 00:35:44.853 I'm never comin' back to school! Never! 456 00:35:44.978 --> 00:35:47.272 (children laugh ) 457 00:35:51.401 --> 00:35:53.445 (Juanita ) Billy! 458 00:36:02.037 --> 00:36:04.206 I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school. 459 00:36:04.331 --> 00:36:08.836 If you're gonna stay home today, you could help me shave my armpits. 460 00:36:08.961 --> 00:36:11.880 Oh, my God! I'll go to school. 461 00:36:15.634 --> 00:36:17.678 O'Doyle rules! 462 00:36:24.685 --> 00:36:29.439 - What's goin' on? - Miss Vaughn's sick. 463 00:36:31.024 --> 00:36:32.818 (teacher claps ) 464 00:36:32.943 --> 00:36:35.612 Please take your seats. 465 00:36:36.989 --> 00:36:40.450 - Who's that guy? - Principal Anderson. 466 00:36:43.704 --> 00:36:48.709 As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today, so I'll be taking her place. 467 00:36:48.834 --> 00:36:52.004 But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching,... 468 00:36:52.129 --> 00:36:54.715 ..so I hope you plan on learning. 469 00:36:55.382 --> 00:37:00.304 Now, who can tell me where we are in our social-studies reader? 470 00:37:00.429 --> 00:37:02.431 Yes? 471 00:37:02.556 --> 00:37:04.141 Michael? 472 00:37:04.850 --> 00:37:07.311 Excuse me. What's that in your hand? 473 00:37:09.605 --> 00:37:11.940 Bring that note up to me. 474 00:37:12.065 --> 00:37:14.401 (class ) Ooh. 475 00:37:18.238 --> 00:37:21.950 Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class. 476 00:37:27.498 --> 00:37:31.752 ''We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.'' 477 00:37:33.003 --> 00:37:38.175 ''Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long''? 478 00:37:39.551 --> 00:37:44.431 ''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic.'' 479 00:37:47.935 --> 00:37:51.480 Oh, man, Billy, I just thought of the funniest thing. 480 00:37:52.231 --> 00:37:54.274 Billy? 481 00:37:55.651 --> 00:37:59.613 - Where's Billy? - He's in school, man. 482 00:37:59.738 --> 00:38:00.989 Oh, yeah. 483 00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:25.305 (~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars ) 484 00:38:25.430 --> 00:38:27.516 ~ I'm not the one 485 00:38:28.392 --> 00:38:31.270 ~ That you'll be shootin' for 486 00:38:31.395 --> 00:38:33.438 ~ I'm not the one 487 00:38:34.481 --> 00:38:36.984 ~ Who's coming back for more 488 00:38:37.109 --> 00:38:40.529 ~ You know why 489 00:38:40.654 --> 00:38:42.990 ~ We've been through this too many times 490 00:38:43.115 --> 00:38:45.993 ~ You know why 491 00:38:46.118 --> 00:38:49.580 ~ It's never clear it's pantomime 492 00:38:52.166 --> 00:38:56.712 I don't wanna sound like a weirdo, but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today. 493 00:38:56.837 --> 00:38:59.756 - Why? Do you like her or something? - No! 494 00:38:59.882 --> 00:39:02.926 - Why? Did she say she likes me? - Not to me. 495 00:39:03.051 --> 00:39:05.721 Well, let's find out. 496 00:39:17.691 --> 00:39:20.277 Uh, hello? 497 00:39:20.402 --> 00:39:22.529 Um, is this Miss Vaughn? 498 00:39:22.654 --> 00:39:24.573 Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class. 499 00:39:24.698 --> 00:39:27.618 (whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend. 500 00:39:27.743 --> 00:39:31.246 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend? 501 00:39:33.332 --> 00:39:35.125 (whispers ) No. 502 00:39:35.751 --> 00:39:37.419 - Ask her... - Shh! 503 00:39:37.544 --> 00:39:41.757 Ask her if she likes anybody from class, like, more than a friend. 504 00:39:42.716 --> 00:39:47.262 Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class more than a friend? 505 00:39:52.017 --> 00:39:54.061 (whispers ) No. 506 00:39:55.062 --> 00:39:58.273 Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from class. 507 00:39:58.398 --> 00:40:00.359 - No! - Just do it! 508 00:40:02.152 --> 00:40:06.490 Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever go out with anybody from class? 509 00:40:07.407 --> 00:40:09.243 Uh-huh. 510 00:40:09.993 --> 00:40:12.162 Uh-huh. 511 00:40:12.287 --> 00:40:15.624 You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups. 512 00:40:15.749 --> 00:40:19.044 - What about Billy? - You're more of a grown-up than Billy. 513 00:40:19.169 --> 00:40:21.713 - I'll give you a grown-up. - What was that, Ernie? 514 00:40:21.839 --> 00:40:26.093 (high-pitched) Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn. 515 00:40:26.218 --> 00:40:28.262 You blew it! 516 00:40:33.892 --> 00:40:38.564 Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver. 517 00:40:39.022 --> 00:40:42.025 (children ) Do it. Come on. 518 00:40:44.361 --> 00:40:45.904 Hey! 519 00:40:46.029 --> 00:40:48.490 Hey, who threw that? 520 00:40:50.534 --> 00:40:52.995 I'll turn this damn bus around. 521 00:40:53.120 --> 00:40:57.916 That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh? 522 00:40:59.168 --> 00:41:01.211 Bullshit. 523 00:41:08.051 --> 00:41:12.181 Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up! 524 00:41:12.306 --> 00:41:15.434 I dare you to touch her boobs. 525 00:41:15.559 --> 00:41:18.645 Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother. 526 00:41:22.900 --> 00:41:25.027 Ya double-dare me? 527 00:41:31.742 --> 00:41:34.495 Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there? 528 00:41:34.620 --> 00:41:38.373 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Probably about two minutes. 529 00:41:39.124 --> 00:41:42.669 Sorry about that. Damn guy drives like an animal. 530 00:41:43.670 --> 00:41:47.049 That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now? 531 00:41:47.174 --> 00:41:49.384 - OK. - I double-dare you. 532 00:41:49.510 --> 00:41:52.095 Da... I... Accident... 533 00:41:52.221 --> 00:41:54.348 Mistake... Tit... 534 00:41:54.473 --> 00:41:56.934 - Go sit down now. - Yes. 535 00:41:57.059 --> 00:41:59.102 (children giggle ) 536 00:42:04.066 --> 00:42:07.778 Yeah, here we go again. Another treat from the road. 537 00:42:07.903 --> 00:42:11.698 Grand, ripe banana. Trick of the day. Great... 538 00:42:15.994 --> 00:42:19.540 (woman ) What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? 539 00:42:19.665 --> 00:42:21.875 Are there any horse socks? 540 00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:24.044 Is anybody listening to me? 541 00:42:24.169 --> 00:42:27.047 Anyways, I am sorry about what happened back there,... 542 00:42:27.172 --> 00:42:30.467 ..but you have to admit, I've been tryin' to be good lately. 543 00:42:30.592 --> 00:42:33.929 Well, you're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest. 544 00:42:34.054 --> 00:42:37.766 I'm trying not to hold you to a higher standard than the rest of the students. 545 00:42:37.891 --> 00:42:40.644 Although maybe I should. You are, what, 50? 546 00:42:40.769 --> 00:42:45.774 No, but the other kids look up to me. I don't want them to think I'm a coward. 547 00:42:45.899 --> 00:42:50.737 Don't worry about it. Next week you're gonna have another teacher to annoy. 548 00:42:50.863 --> 00:42:55.534 I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you. 549 00:42:55.659 --> 00:42:59.621 - Miss Vaughn! - Somebody stole all our lunches. 550 00:43:00.664 --> 00:43:02.708 Who would steal 30 bagged lunches? 551 00:43:10.507 --> 00:43:13.051 I'll tell you who took those lunches. 552 00:43:13.177 --> 00:43:15.429 That damn sasquatch. 553 00:43:16.597 --> 00:43:20.726 Well, I guess that's it. OK, everybody! Back on the bus! 554 00:43:20.851 --> 00:43:24.771 - Hey, what's with Ernie? - I don't know. I'll be right back. 555 00:43:27.274 --> 00:43:29.318 Hey, Ernie, what's up? 556 00:43:30.402 --> 00:43:32.446 Nothing. 557 00:43:33.363 --> 00:43:37.075 You fallen in love with the wall or somethin'? 558 00:43:37.201 --> 00:43:40.287 - I had an accident. - An accident. What does that mean? 559 00:43:40.412 --> 00:43:41.705 Ooh! 560 00:43:42.498 --> 00:43:44.333 Oh, I know. OK. Uh... 561 00:43:47.920 --> 00:43:51.590 Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight. I'll be right back. 562 00:43:59.264 --> 00:44:02.267 Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants! 563 00:44:02.392 --> 00:44:07.231 Of course I peed my pants. Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest. 564 00:44:07.356 --> 00:44:09.149 - Really? - Yes! 565 00:44:09.274 --> 00:44:13.111 You ain't cool unless you pee your pants. 566 00:44:13.237 --> 00:44:16.657 - Wow. - Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too. 567 00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:19.785 All right! 568 00:44:23.330 --> 00:44:28.252 If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis. 569 00:44:28.377 --> 00:44:29.628 Oh! 570 00:44:29.795 --> 00:44:34.508 That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go! 571 00:44:34.633 --> 00:44:36.927 Get on the bus here. 572 00:44:37.052 --> 00:44:39.179 Move it. Get up there, Kyle. 573 00:44:39.304 --> 00:44:41.431 One, two, five, seven. 574 00:44:41.557 --> 00:44:45.143 Move it or lose it. Get on the b... 575 00:44:45.269 --> 00:44:47.729 Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya. 576 00:44:55.529 --> 00:45:00.909 That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. 577 00:45:02.035 --> 00:45:06.373 I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean. 578 00:45:06.498 --> 00:45:08.458 No, you don't. 579 00:45:08.584 --> 00:45:13.297 Well, not me personally, but a guy I know. Him and her got it on. 580 00:45:13.422 --> 00:45:15.465 Whoo-ee! 581 00:45:16.091 --> 00:45:18.343 No, they didn't. 582 00:45:18.468 --> 00:45:20.929 No, no, no, they didn't. 583 00:45:21.054 --> 00:45:24.975 But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? 584 00:45:31.857 --> 00:45:35.360 Everybody on? Good, great, grand, wonderful! 585 00:45:36.528 --> 00:45:39.448 No yelling on the bus! 586 00:45:39.573 --> 00:45:43.410 ~ Billy passed the third grade 587 00:45:43.535 --> 00:45:47.539 ~ Oh, what a glorious day 588 00:45:47.664 --> 00:45:51.335 ~ Oh, passin' third grade 589 00:45:51.502 --> 00:45:55.422 ~ The Billy Madison way 590 00:45:55.589 --> 00:45:57.341 Yeah! 591 00:45:57.466 --> 00:45:59.676 Rock on! Yes! 592 00:46:10.562 --> 00:46:12.481 (boy ) Stop it. 593 00:46:13.106 --> 00:46:18.153 Who are you? I don't even know you. Go away, mister. Stop it. 594 00:46:18.278 --> 00:46:20.322 - Are you OK? - Yeah. 595 00:46:24.409 --> 00:46:27.704 - Look! She came! - And she came too. 596 00:46:45.097 --> 00:46:47.558 The mucus queen is yours. 597 00:46:49.184 --> 00:46:50.185 Thanks. 598 00:46:50.310 --> 00:46:52.354 Hi! 599 00:46:53.564 --> 00:46:56.859 Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you. 600 00:47:01.238 --> 00:47:02.781 Oh, my God! 601 00:47:03.866 --> 00:47:06.326 Snack Pack! You're the coolest! 602 00:47:06.493 --> 00:47:10.330 - Those should last you the weekend. - Thank you very much. 603 00:47:10.497 --> 00:47:13.458 - Billy is on the right track. - He's on track all right. 604 00:47:13.584 --> 00:47:16.253 He's headed right down the toilet. 605 00:47:17.963 --> 00:47:20.007 Easy. 606 00:47:21.383 --> 00:47:23.594 You still don't think he's gonna make it? 607 00:47:23.760 --> 00:47:28.056 Trust me, Carl, baby. I know he's not gonna make it. 608 00:47:28.182 --> 00:47:30.642 Would you excuse me for a second? 609 00:47:33.145 --> 00:47:36.148 Who will help me destroy Billy Madison? 610 00:47:36.273 --> 00:47:38.317 Who? 611 00:47:56.126 --> 00:48:00.047 You know, that was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday. 612 00:48:00.172 --> 00:48:03.300 He would have done the same for me. 613 00:48:03.425 --> 00:48:06.386 So what's it like being back in school? 614 00:48:06.512 --> 00:48:09.056 I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. 615 00:48:09.223 --> 00:48:12.309 Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. 616 00:48:13.352 --> 00:48:16.772 Is it just you and your dad in here? 617 00:48:16.897 --> 00:48:21.693 Well, actually, no. There's Juanita, and some maids and butlers and stuff. 618 00:48:21.819 --> 00:48:24.947 And people who work for my dad are always stoppin' by. 619 00:48:25.072 --> 00:48:29.493 And my friends are always sleepin' over, even when I didn't ask 'em to. 620 00:48:29.618 --> 00:48:32.704 - Sounds like a hotel. - It kinda is. It can be distracting. 621 00:48:32.871 --> 00:48:35.332 That's why I moved out here. 622 00:48:47.177 --> 00:48:49.137 Wow. 623 00:48:49.263 --> 00:48:52.266 This is where I've been spending most of my time lately. 624 00:48:52.432 --> 00:48:54.893 Not exactly roughing it, are you? 625 00:49:00.274 --> 00:49:03.777 Those are, uh... They come with the tent, so... 626 00:49:09.324 --> 00:49:13.495 Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities. I don't think we're up to that one yet. 627 00:49:13.620 --> 00:49:17.124 I can understand nine words in that book now. 628 00:49:20.335 --> 00:49:24.256 So, it's, um... the last day of third grade. 629 00:49:25.299 --> 00:49:29.219 And you have the teacher, alone, in your tent. 630 00:49:30.137 --> 00:49:32.598 What do you wanna do? 631 00:49:33.432 --> 00:49:37.811 Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do. 632 00:49:37.936 --> 00:49:42.232 One would involve some ice cubes and a nine-iron. 633 00:49:43.650 --> 00:49:46.820 - Two would include a buffalo. - Really? 634 00:49:46.987 --> 00:49:52.326 Live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake. 635 00:49:52.451 --> 00:49:55.454 Three: we'd bring back some of those ice cubes,... 636 00:49:55.621 --> 00:49:58.707 ..but switch it over to a pitching wedge. 637 00:49:59.500 --> 00:50:01.960 How you guys doin'? 638 00:50:03.420 --> 00:50:07.090 Hey! Carl! Good to see you! 639 00:50:09.927 --> 00:50:12.471 This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl. 640 00:50:12.638 --> 00:50:16.391 Very pleased to meet you. Bill, I think Eric is up to something. 641 00:50:16.558 --> 00:50:19.311 - Who's Eric? - He works for my dad too. 642 00:50:19.436 --> 00:50:22.356 He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douchebag. 643 00:50:22.523 --> 00:50:26.985 He made some menacing comments to me, and then he did that little weasel laugh. 644 00:50:27.152 --> 00:50:31.281 - Yeah. How does that laugh go again? - You know. (laughs ) 645 00:50:32.032 --> 00:50:34.868 - Very good. It sounded just like him. - Thanks. 646 00:50:34.993 --> 00:50:37.996 Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve. 647 00:50:38.121 --> 00:50:39.748 - Thanks, buddy. - No problem. 648 00:50:40.499 --> 00:50:42.376 (~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5) 649 00:50:44.628 --> 00:50:46.755 ~ You went to school to learn, girl 650 00:50:46.880 --> 00:50:49.800 ~ Things you never, never knew before... 651 00:50:50.884 --> 00:50:54.847 (teacher ) The most densely populated part of the US is along the eastern seaboard. 652 00:50:55.013 --> 00:50:59.142 We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes. 653 00:50:59.309 --> 00:51:03.522 We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking a census... 654 00:51:07.276 --> 00:51:09.987 You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme... 655 00:51:10.112 --> 00:51:12.072 You want some of this? 656 00:51:12.239 --> 00:51:14.700 Oh, my dear Lord! 657 00:51:14.825 --> 00:51:18.412 You never leave me open, son, cos I'm gonna hit it every time. 658 00:51:18.537 --> 00:51:21.290 You want some more of that? I didn't think so! 659 00:51:22.332 --> 00:51:26.461 ~ Reading, writing, arithmetic are the branches of the learning tree 660 00:51:26.628 --> 00:51:29.882 ~ But without the roots of love every day, girl 661 00:51:30.007 --> 00:51:32.384 ~ Your education ain't complete 662 00:51:32.509 --> 00:51:34.887 ~ Teacher's gonna show you 663 00:51:35.053 --> 00:51:37.014 ~ How to get an A 664 00:51:37.139 --> 00:51:40.142 ~ How to spell 'me', 'you' and add the two 665 00:51:40.309 --> 00:51:42.603 ~ Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do 666 00:51:42.769 --> 00:51:44.229 ~ ABC 667 00:51:44.396 --> 00:51:46.773 ~ It's easy as 1-2-3 668 00:51:47.024 --> 00:51:50.444 ~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC... 669 00:52:19.640 --> 00:52:22.392 (belches the alphabet ) 670 00:52:26.605 --> 00:52:28.982 All right, stop before I throw up. 671 00:52:29.149 --> 00:52:32.486 Hey, Billy, you wanna go play soccer with us after school? 672 00:52:32.611 --> 00:52:35.864 No, I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week. 673 00:52:35.989 --> 00:52:39.076 - Next week you'll be in ninth grade. - Yeah, high school. 674 00:52:39.201 --> 00:52:40.327 Oh, yeah. 675 00:52:40.494 --> 00:52:45.207 You aren't gonna wanna hang round with a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids. 676 00:52:45.457 --> 00:52:48.961 That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time. 677 00:52:49.211 --> 00:52:51.255 Yeah, to see your girlfriend. 678 00:52:51.421 --> 00:52:53.298 (boys ) Whooo! 679 00:52:54.758 --> 00:52:56.552 (cackling ) 680 00:52:56.718 --> 00:53:00.389 Have some more Sloppy Joes. 681 00:53:01.765 --> 00:53:05.018 I made 'em extra sloppy for yous. 682 00:53:07.813 --> 00:53:11.483 I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy. 683 00:53:12.609 --> 00:53:15.028 Lady, you're scarin' us. 684 00:53:41.346 --> 00:53:46.059 - Do you know where the bathroom is? - Second door on the left. 685 00:53:49.688 --> 00:53:53.400 Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading? 686 00:53:53.567 --> 00:53:57.196 I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here. 687 00:53:58.447 --> 00:54:02.659 There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob. 688 00:54:04.411 --> 00:54:08.540 Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know. 689 00:54:09.750 --> 00:54:12.669 - Where'd you get that? - I have a subscription. 690 00:54:12.836 --> 00:54:18.425 Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens. 691 00:54:20.052 --> 00:54:22.971 Boy, this wacko looks familiar. 692 00:54:23.096 --> 00:54:26.767 What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy? 693 00:54:26.934 --> 00:54:28.894 My God. 694 00:54:29.019 --> 00:54:33.816 In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him. 695 00:54:33.982 --> 00:54:36.109 It was just a stunt! 696 00:54:36.276 --> 00:54:39.655 He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air. 697 00:54:39.822 --> 00:54:44.451 With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree? 698 00:54:44.618 --> 00:54:46.328 No! 699 00:54:46.453 --> 00:54:50.499 No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life! 700 00:54:50.666 --> 00:54:55.504 So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you? 701 00:54:55.671 --> 00:54:57.297 Max? 702 00:54:58.257 --> 00:55:00.092 Max? 703 00:55:00.259 --> 00:55:02.427 You ready to cooperate with me? 704 00:55:02.594 --> 00:55:04.471 Yes. 705 00:55:04.638 --> 00:55:07.307 Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine! 706 00:55:19.695 --> 00:55:21.697 (rock music from car ) 707 00:55:43.719 --> 00:55:46.138 (laughter ) 708 00:55:47.931 --> 00:55:50.100 - (student ) Nice shirt. - Yeah. Yep. 709 00:55:50.267 --> 00:55:52.269 (bell rings ) 710 00:55:57.858 --> 00:56:03.489 Now the cell's happy. But other molecules are saying ''We'd like some energy too.'' 711 00:56:03.655 --> 00:56:09.620 And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll, to carry out the action. 712 00:56:09.786 --> 00:56:13.081 This does not make the ribosomes happy. 713 00:56:14.374 --> 00:56:17.252 And poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this. 714 00:56:17.419 --> 00:56:21.006 Chlorophyll? More like ''bore-ophyll''! 715 00:56:22.466 --> 00:56:24.468 Right? 716 00:56:27.095 --> 00:56:31.517 - Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh? - Don't talk to me. 717 00:56:31.683 --> 00:56:34.353 - And why is that? - Because you're a loser. 718 00:56:34.520 --> 00:56:38.649 (teacher ) ..from these ribosomes. And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast... 719 00:56:38.774 --> 00:56:41.068 No, I will not make out with you! 720 00:56:42.110 --> 00:56:45.781 Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! 721 00:56:45.948 --> 00:56:49.034 You got ''chlorophyll man'' up there talkin' about God knows what. 722 00:56:49.201 --> 00:56:54.248 All she's talking about is makin' out with me. I'm here to learn, not to make out. 723 00:56:54.414 --> 00:56:56.625 Go on with the chlorophyll. 724 00:57:01.129 --> 00:57:03.131 O'Doyle rules. 725 00:57:03.882 --> 00:57:06.718 Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you. 726 00:57:07.761 --> 00:57:09.763 (giggling ) 727 00:57:11.265 --> 00:57:14.142 - Wait till they start with the wedgies. - Yeah. 728 00:57:14.309 --> 00:57:18.522 You oughta start cutting your underwear before you get to school. So it rips easier. 729 00:57:18.647 --> 00:57:20.691 I see. Who are you guys? 730 00:57:20.858 --> 00:57:23.777 The guys everybody used to pick on before you started here. 731 00:57:23.944 --> 00:57:28.782 No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin' me a hard time cos I'm the new guy. 732 00:57:28.949 --> 00:57:30.868 A little first-day hazing. 733 00:57:31.034 --> 00:57:35.664 - Are you in loser denial or something? - I had a bad case of loser denial myself. 734 00:57:35.831 --> 00:57:38.792 Till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass. 735 00:57:39.293 --> 00:57:43.338 Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school. 736 00:57:43.463 --> 00:57:46.758 A hundred friends, a million parties... 737 00:57:46.925 --> 00:57:49.219 You guys are losers, not me. 738 00:57:51.388 --> 00:57:54.266 And that is what a prime number is. 739 00:57:54.433 --> 00:57:56.602 (children ) Billy! 740 00:57:56.768 --> 00:58:00.063 I figured I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down and say hi. 741 00:58:00.189 --> 00:58:03.066 - How's high school, Billy? - Yeah, how's high school? 742 00:58:03.192 --> 00:58:07.196 High school is great. I mean, I'm learning a lot. 743 00:58:07.321 --> 00:58:11.867 And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great. 744 00:58:12.034 --> 00:58:15.037 Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school. 745 00:58:16.497 --> 00:58:18.749 Don't you say that. 746 00:58:18.874 --> 00:58:21.627 Don't you ever say that. 747 00:58:21.752 --> 00:58:23.879 Stay here. 748 00:58:24.004 --> 00:58:26.965 Stay as long as you can. 749 00:58:27.090 --> 00:58:30.469 For the love of God, cherish it. 750 00:58:30.594 --> 00:58:33.096 (Veronica ) Jennifer, why don't you read out loud? 751 00:58:33.222 --> 00:58:35.974 You gotta cherish it. 752 00:58:36.099 --> 00:58:38.185 You do. 753 00:58:38.310 --> 00:58:39.937 Hm. 754 00:58:44.066 --> 00:58:45.984 I don't understand it. 755 00:58:46.109 --> 00:58:50.364 I mean, ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun. 756 00:58:50.489 --> 00:58:53.492 I guess a little too much fun, since you've gotta do it again. 757 00:58:53.617 --> 00:58:59.331 I know. It's just that classes are so hard, and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof. 758 00:59:00.123 --> 00:59:02.417 Well, you are a goof. 759 00:59:02.543 --> 00:59:06.004 Suck it up. Eight more weeks and you're all set. 760 00:59:06.129 --> 00:59:08.799 Yeah, you're right. You're so smart. 761 00:59:11.844 --> 00:59:13.887 - I gotta go, OK? - OK. 762 00:59:14.805 --> 00:59:16.431 Billy, wait. 763 00:59:17.182 --> 00:59:20.269 It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it? 764 00:59:20.602 --> 00:59:21.478 No. 765 00:59:21.603 --> 00:59:24.148 Maybe the first time you went to high school,... 766 00:59:24.273 --> 00:59:28.902 ..you weren't as nice to the kids that you thought were losers. 767 00:59:29.027 --> 00:59:32.322 I know what you're sayin'. You're so smart. 768 00:59:42.332 --> 00:59:44.376 (phone rings ) 769 00:59:47.254 --> 00:59:48.255 Hello? 770 00:59:48.463 --> 00:59:51.633 - Hi. Is this Danny McGrath? - Yeah. 771 00:59:51.758 --> 00:59:55.262 The Danny McGrath that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984? 772 00:59:55.971 --> 01:00:00.267 - Uh, yeah. Who's this? - This is Billy Madison. 773 01:00:00.392 --> 01:00:04.605 You probably don't remember me, but I went to high school with you. 774 01:00:04.730 --> 01:00:07.232 I kinda gave you a hard time back then,... 775 01:00:07.357 --> 01:00:11.069 ..and I did some things that I thought were funny at the time,... 776 01:00:11.195 --> 01:00:14.573 ..but now I realise they were just mean and stupid. 777 01:00:14.698 --> 01:00:18.327 And I just wanted to apologise, and I hope you forgive me. 778 01:00:19.119 --> 01:00:21.288 Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it. 779 01:00:21.872 --> 01:00:24.583 Wow! That's great! 780 01:00:24.708 --> 01:00:27.794 Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together some time... 781 01:00:27.920 --> 01:00:29.963 ..and have coffee or somethin'. 782 01:00:30.547 --> 01:00:33.884 - Sure, I'd like that. - OK. Well, I'll see you around. 783 01:00:34.009 --> 01:00:36.053 OK. Bye. 784 01:00:36.178 --> 01:00:40.098 (~ 'Telephone Line' by Electric Light Orchestra ) 785 01:01:12.506 --> 01:01:14.508 Speak for yourself, moron. 786 01:01:16.093 --> 01:01:18.595 Oh, my God! That is funny! 787 01:01:18.720 --> 01:01:23.767 Next.: the shocking story of power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon. 788 01:01:23.892 --> 01:01:28.897 How his 27-year-old millionaire son cheated his way through school. 789 01:01:29.022 --> 01:01:32.734 - What the hell...? - Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else. 790 01:01:34.778 --> 01:01:36.822 My name is Max Anderson,... 791 01:01:36.947 --> 01:01:42.536 ..and I am the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School. 792 01:01:42.661 --> 01:01:46.623 Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there. 793 01:01:46.748 --> 01:01:50.335 During that time Mr Madison was disruptive. 794 01:01:50.460 --> 01:01:55.382 The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,... 795 01:01:55.507 --> 01:01:58.051 .. which I regrettably accepted. 796 01:01:59.094 --> 01:02:00.554 I'm sorry, Billy. 797 01:02:00.679 --> 01:02:05.309 (reporter ) That was Principal Anderson of Polly Fector Elementary School. 798 01:02:05.434 --> 01:02:07.728 Dad! He's lyin'! 799 01:02:08.896 --> 01:02:12.524 You made a fool out of me. This was a mistake from the beginning. 800 01:02:12.649 --> 01:02:15.944 Brian, I got some interim forecasts for you to... 801 01:02:17.279 --> 01:02:20.365 - Why is everybody so glum? - You seriously don't believe me? 802 01:02:20.491 --> 01:02:24.328 That's right. I seriously don't believe you. 803 01:02:24.453 --> 01:02:27.331 The deal's off. Eric's got the company. 804 01:02:29.500 --> 01:02:32.169 Wow. Good news for me. 805 01:02:38.425 --> 01:02:41.512 I can't believe this is happening right now. 806 01:02:44.097 --> 01:02:46.683 Are you gonna come to class on Monday? 807 01:02:46.809 --> 01:02:49.603 Wouldn't make much sense now, would it? 808 01:02:50.896 --> 01:02:53.565 Stupid idea in the first place. 809 01:02:54.566 --> 01:02:57.027 (~ 'Renegade' by Styx ) 810 01:02:57.319 --> 01:02:59.488 ~ They finally found me 811 01:02:59.613 --> 01:03:01.573 ~ The renegade who had it made 812 01:03:01.698 --> 01:03:04.451 ~ Retrieved for a bounty 813 01:03:04.576 --> 01:03:06.745 ~ Never more to go astray 814 01:03:06.870 --> 01:03:10.833 ~ This'll be the end today of the wanted man 815 01:03:13.377 --> 01:03:15.462 Better get up outta this bed! 816 01:03:15.587 --> 01:03:20.843 ~ I've been years on the lam And had a high price on my head 817 01:03:22.970 --> 01:03:26.181 ~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'... 818 01:03:26.306 --> 01:03:28.350 (Billy howling ) 819 01:03:34.064 --> 01:03:36.108 Yoo-hoo! 820 01:03:37.276 --> 01:03:38.819 Hello! 821 01:03:38.944 --> 01:03:40.988 Billy's here! 822 01:03:42.489 --> 01:03:44.491 Hey, baby! 823 01:03:45.033 --> 01:03:47.202 You lookin' hot tonight! 824 01:03:47.327 --> 01:03:51.290 - Billy, what has happened to you? - We're gonna go on a date. 825 01:03:51.415 --> 01:03:54.710 You, me, Jack and Frank... 826 01:03:54.835 --> 01:03:59.423 ..are gonna go around puttin' shit on people's doorsteps... 827 01:03:59.548 --> 01:04:02.259 ..and we're gonna set it on fire. 828 01:04:02.968 --> 01:04:07.973 Billy, why are you acting like this? I know that you didn't pay off Max. 829 01:04:08.098 --> 01:04:10.809 Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,... 830 01:04:10.934 --> 01:04:16.565 ..but it takes more than two to tango. Or somethin' like that. 831 01:04:17.149 --> 01:04:19.651 - So let's go. - No, let's stay. 832 01:04:19.776 --> 01:04:22.863 And the three of you can light dog shit on my living-room floor. 833 01:04:22.988 --> 01:04:27.367 - Come on, Billy, you know that... - Talky, talky, talky. 834 01:04:27.493 --> 01:04:29.620 No more talky. 835 01:04:29.745 --> 01:04:32.206 You got a lighter in here? 836 01:04:35.209 --> 01:04:37.294 Oh. 837 01:04:37.419 --> 01:04:40.214 I see what's goin' on in here. 838 01:04:43.550 --> 01:04:47.137 So sorry to interrupt! 839 01:04:52.267 --> 01:04:54.311 Proceed. 840 01:04:55.604 --> 01:04:58.065 Billy, you're losing your mind. 841 01:05:01.693 --> 01:05:03.904 All right, boys' night out! 842 01:05:04.071 --> 01:05:05.572 Let's go! 843 01:05:11.578 --> 01:05:13.622 (snoring ) 844 01:05:30.347 --> 01:05:32.891 Ow! 845 01:05:33.433 --> 01:05:35.894 I need to talk to you. 846 01:05:46.363 --> 01:05:48.407 Jeez! 847 01:05:49.283 --> 01:05:51.743 What's goin' on, man? 848 01:05:54.079 --> 01:05:59.585 I think Billy and his girlfriend are playin' water polo or somethin'. 849 01:06:01.295 --> 01:06:04.089 Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo. 850 01:06:04.882 --> 01:06:06.800 Marco. 851 01:06:08.135 --> 01:06:10.554 - Jeez, that was a great game. - Yeah. 852 01:06:15.934 --> 01:06:19.354 I got an idea for you. Instead of being an idiot every day,... 853 01:06:19.480 --> 01:06:22.816 ..why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company? 854 01:06:22.941 --> 01:06:25.152 Cos I don't want it any more. 855 01:06:25.903 --> 01:06:30.199 - What do you mean, you don't want it? - I got somethin' comin' outta my nose? 856 01:06:30.324 --> 01:06:33.368 I can't believe I liked someone who could roll over and die. 857 01:06:33.494 --> 01:06:38.373 I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up. And, worst of all, nobody believes me. 858 01:06:38.499 --> 01:06:42.044 I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you. 859 01:06:42.169 --> 01:06:45.881 You know, some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision. 860 01:06:46.006 --> 01:06:48.675 They just drift through life like lumps of crap. 861 01:06:48.800 --> 01:06:51.178 What is she talkin' about? 862 01:06:51.303 --> 01:06:55.265 And you have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em. 863 01:06:55.390 --> 01:07:00.312 Don't be. You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison. So win. 864 01:07:16.370 --> 01:07:19.206 ~ Yes, I will go back to school 865 01:07:19.331 --> 01:07:22.459 ~ And achieve victory 866 01:07:22.584 --> 01:07:25.587 ~ No man will take what my father has built 867 01:07:25.712 --> 01:07:30.217 ~ Unless that man is me 868 01:07:30.342 --> 01:07:33.554 ~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy 869 01:07:33.679 --> 01:07:36.140 ~ I knew you would go back 870 01:07:36.807 --> 01:07:39.935 ~ No one can stop you if you try 871 01:07:40.060 --> 01:07:42.271 ~ Don't I have a nice rack? 872 01:07:46.191 --> 01:07:49.069 ~ Veronica, I thank you 873 01:07:49.194 --> 01:07:52.573 ~ For beating the shit out of me 874 01:07:52.698 --> 01:07:55.576 ~ I see things so clearly now 875 01:07:55.701 --> 01:07:57.911 ~ I choose my destiny 876 01:07:58.036 --> 01:08:00.747 Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya. 877 01:08:01.832 --> 01:08:04.710 ~ We're here to help you, Billy 878 01:08:04.835 --> 01:08:07.880 ~ Get back in school to stay 879 01:08:08.005 --> 01:08:11.425 ~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out 880 01:08:11.550 --> 01:08:14.595 ~ Till graduation day 881 01:08:14.720 --> 01:08:17.264 ~ Hey, kids, it's me 882 01:08:17.389 --> 01:08:20.851 ~ I bet you thought that I was dead 883 01:08:20.976 --> 01:08:23.729 ~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg 884 01:08:23.854 --> 01:08:26.523 ~ And got a haemorrhage in my head 885 01:08:28.775 --> 01:08:31.570 ~ There are obstacles in the way 886 01:08:31.695 --> 01:08:34.990 - ~ But together we shall overcome - ~ Overcome 887 01:08:35.115 --> 01:08:39.828 ~ Cos you can't break our spirit and you can't kill our dream 888 01:08:39.953 --> 01:08:44.666 ~ Do you have any more gum, more gum, more gum, more gum? 889 01:08:44.791 --> 01:08:47.044 ~ Do you have any more gum? 890 01:08:55.719 --> 01:08:58.180 Oh. Hello, kids. 891 01:08:58.305 --> 01:09:00.516 Mr Anderson, is that you? 892 01:09:00.766 --> 01:09:01.642 Oh. 893 01:09:01.767 --> 01:09:04.269 Yes, actually, it is. 894 01:09:04.394 --> 01:09:07.189 This is just... Well, this is... 895 01:09:08.398 --> 01:09:12.986 Normally I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision. 896 01:09:13.111 --> 01:09:16.615 So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy. 897 01:09:16.740 --> 01:09:21.787 It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but I... 898 01:09:21.912 --> 01:09:25.582 Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff that you said didn't happen. 899 01:09:25.707 --> 01:09:28.126 Is he lying or are you lying? 900 01:09:28.252 --> 01:09:33.674 Oh, well, listen, kids. It's not always as simple as all that. 901 01:09:36.093 --> 01:09:40.305 The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue. 902 01:09:40.430 --> 01:09:41.265 No. 903 01:09:41.390 --> 01:09:43.851 I know now that I shall never escape my fate... 904 01:09:43.976 --> 01:09:48.480 - ..as the Revolting Blob. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 905 01:09:49.481 --> 01:09:52.901 (Anderson ) It's something I must learn to live with. 906 01:09:53.026 --> 01:09:54.611 Joyce? 907 01:09:55.404 --> 01:09:58.115 What a mess. 908 01:09:58.240 --> 01:10:02.619 First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it. 909 01:10:02.744 --> 01:10:05.956 And now Eric's secretary is in a coma. 910 01:10:06.081 --> 01:10:11.170 Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy? 911 01:10:11.295 --> 01:10:15.340 No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is. 912 01:10:15.465 --> 01:10:18.510 - I believed in Billy all along, sir. - Cut the horseshit! 913 01:10:18.635 --> 01:10:21.263 - I know you blackmailed Max. - Take it easy, Billy. 914 01:10:21.388 --> 01:10:26.768 Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. 915 01:10:28.061 --> 01:10:30.397 Billy should get another shot at high school. 916 01:10:30.522 --> 01:10:35.903 Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks... 917 01:10:36.028 --> 01:10:38.822 ..or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade. 918 01:10:38.947 --> 01:10:41.950 Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances. 919 01:10:42.075 --> 01:10:46.246 Extenuating, exschmenuating. We had a deal. A signed, written deal. 920 01:10:46.371 --> 01:10:48.790 Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company. 921 01:10:48.916 --> 01:10:51.710 Well, technically you're right, but... 922 01:10:51.835 --> 01:10:55.172 Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. 923 01:10:55.297 --> 01:10:57.466 ''Well, technically...'' 924 01:10:57.591 --> 01:11:02.346 Just shut up! Are you ready to hand the company over to me now? 925 01:11:02.471 --> 01:11:05.849 - No. - Then I'll see your ass in court. 926 01:11:06.725 --> 01:11:08.477 Good. 927 01:11:08.602 --> 01:11:11.146 Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads. 928 01:11:11.772 --> 01:11:14.900 Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this now, no lawyers? 929 01:11:15.025 --> 01:11:17.277 You and me, mano y mano. 930 01:11:17.402 --> 01:11:20.280 - What does that mean? - What does that mean? 931 01:11:20.405 --> 01:11:23.325 - Carl, what does that mean? - Uh... I don't know. 932 01:11:28.163 --> 01:11:30.207 It means an academic decathlon. 933 01:11:30.332 --> 01:11:34.253 One day, ten events, testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school. 934 01:11:34.378 --> 01:11:36.839 Me versus you. 935 01:11:36.964 --> 01:11:41.051 - You're joking, right? - Let's take it a little easy here, Billy. 936 01:11:41.176 --> 01:11:45.139 No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday. 937 01:11:45.264 --> 01:11:48.517 - Let's do it. - Is that all right with you, Daddy? 938 01:11:48.642 --> 01:11:50.894 Well, if you think you can beat him. 939 01:11:51.019 --> 01:11:54.815 Oh, I can. And I will. 940 01:11:55.524 --> 01:11:58.610 - It's a deal. - (whispers ) I know it was you. 941 01:12:01.071 --> 01:12:03.532 You broke my heart. 942 01:12:06.285 --> 01:12:08.620 Here are the trigonometry hand-outs. 943 01:12:08.745 --> 01:12:11.331 Last year's physics notes. Best I could do. 944 01:12:11.456 --> 01:12:14.793 Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life. 945 01:12:19.214 --> 01:12:20.757 O'Doyle rules. 946 01:12:20.883 --> 01:12:24.761 O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's goin' down. 947 01:12:25.220 --> 01:12:27.139 But for now I gotta study. 948 01:12:29.016 --> 01:12:32.728 (Veronica ) Norman invasion of England. 949 01:12:32.853 --> 01:12:35.063 1066. 950 01:12:36.648 --> 01:12:38.692 That is correct. 951 01:12:41.403 --> 01:12:43.572 The Magna Carta. 952 01:12:46.074 --> 01:12:49.411 1215? 953 01:12:51.288 --> 01:12:53.332 Yes. 954 01:12:55.459 --> 01:12:58.462 Spanish Armada. 955 01:13:01.089 --> 01:13:05.844 1466? 956 01:13:06.512 --> 01:13:09.223 '67? 1469? 957 01:13:09.765 --> 01:13:11.558 1514? 958 01:13:11.683 --> 01:13:14.937 1981? 1986? 959 01:13:15.437 --> 01:13:20.442 Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second. 960 01:13:20.567 --> 01:13:23.362 Please, God, give me the answer! 961 01:13:26.156 --> 01:13:28.492 Buenos dias. 962 01:13:28.617 --> 01:13:30.953 Buenas tardes. 963 01:13:31.078 --> 01:13:32.621 Buenas noches. 964 01:13:32.746 --> 01:13:35.499 (speaks French very quickly ) 965 01:13:39.795 --> 01:13:42.422 Slow down. 966 01:13:42.548 --> 01:13:45.217 (speaks French very quickly ) 967 01:13:49.304 --> 01:13:50.681 Oh(!) 968 01:13:55.477 --> 01:13:57.521 Spanish Armada... 969 01:13:58.397 --> 01:14:00.274 1588. 970 01:14:00.399 --> 01:14:02.442 That is correct. 971 01:14:13.745 --> 01:14:17.332 Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to a generous donation by Mr Madison... 972 01:14:17.457 --> 01:14:21.962 ..to the Knibb High School library, I have been able to arrange for ten teachers... 973 01:14:22.087 --> 01:14:26.258 ..to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study. 974 01:14:26.383 --> 01:14:30.387 However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,... 975 01:14:30.512 --> 01:14:37.269 ..especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap. 976 01:14:37.394 --> 01:14:40.397 Do I make myself clear? 977 01:14:40.522 --> 01:14:41.732 - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir. 978 01:14:41.857 --> 01:14:45.569 All right, then. Let the academic decathlon begin. 979 01:15:13.639 --> 01:15:15.474 (Billy laughs ) 980 01:15:34.952 --> 01:15:37.913 Second team, all-American, Harvard track. 981 01:15:38.664 --> 01:15:41.124 Is that right? 982 01:15:43.001 --> 01:15:46.839 Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls? 983 01:15:46.964 --> 01:15:49.424 Yeah, they were weird-lookin'. 984 01:15:54.847 --> 01:15:56.557 Whoa! 985 01:16:10.737 --> 01:16:12.781 (tuneful melody ) 986 01:16:29.840 --> 01:16:31.884 (squeaking ) 987 01:16:34.428 --> 01:16:35.888 He's good. 988 01:16:36.346 --> 01:16:39.433 To be, or not to be: 989 01:16:40.934 --> 01:16:42.811 that is the question: 990 01:16:42.936 --> 01:16:46.356 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 991 01:16:46.482 --> 01:16:50.611 The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... 992 01:16:50.736 --> 01:16:56.325 Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, 993 01:16:56.450 --> 01:17:00.370 And by opposing end them? 994 01:17:01.288 --> 01:17:05.209 To die: to sleep; 995 01:17:05.334 --> 01:17:07.377 No more. 996 01:17:08.170 --> 01:17:09.880 (boy ) Billy! 997 01:17:11.507 --> 01:17:13.342 Hey, hey, hey. Who rules? 998 01:17:13.467 --> 01:17:15.260 O'Doyle rules! 999 01:17:15.886 --> 01:17:16.887 O'Doyle rules! 1000 01:17:17.513 --> 01:17:18.514 O'Doyle rules! 1001 01:17:19.223 --> 01:17:20.224 O'Doyle rules! 1002 01:17:20.641 --> 01:17:22.059 O'Doyle rules! 1003 01:17:22.267 --> 01:17:23.268 O'Doyle rules! 1004 01:17:24.019 --> 01:17:25.020 O'Doyle rules! 1005 01:17:25.687 --> 01:17:27.314 O'Doyle rules! 1006 01:17:27.439 --> 01:17:29.483 (explosion ) 1007 01:17:42.246 --> 01:17:43.997 Good afternoon, students. 1008 01:17:44.122 --> 01:17:47.793 You've been invited here today to witness the tenth and final event... 1009 01:17:47.918 --> 01:17:53.340 ..in the competition between Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison. 1010 01:17:59.513 --> 01:18:03.851 As of this moment, Mr Madison is ahead by one point. 1011 01:18:05.644 --> 01:18:09.648 Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent. 1012 01:18:09.773 --> 01:18:14.278 Mr Madison will go first. Mr Gordon, choose the topic. 1013 01:18:15.404 --> 01:18:17.698 English Literature. 1014 01:18:17.823 --> 01:18:20.159 US Presidents. 1015 01:18:20.284 --> 01:18:22.744 My Wife, the Tramp. 1016 01:18:23.495 --> 01:18:26.582 Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response. 1017 01:18:26.707 --> 01:18:29.334 Reflections of Society in Literature. 1018 01:18:29.918 --> 01:18:32.796 Reflections of Society in Literature. 1019 01:18:33.672 --> 01:18:35.757 Good luck, schmuck. 1020 01:18:37.551 --> 01:18:39.178 Mr Madison. 1021 01:18:39.303 --> 01:18:43.432 The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel for ever. 1022 01:18:43.557 --> 01:18:47.060 Discuss, citing specific examples. 1023 01:18:49.730 --> 01:18:51.815 (yelling ) 1024 01:18:51.940 --> 01:18:53.984 (clears throat ) 1025 01:18:56.069 --> 01:18:57.863 Uh... 1026 01:18:57.988 --> 01:18:58.989 Come on! 1027 01:19:05.037 --> 01:19:06.914 OK. 1028 01:19:07.039 --> 01:19:10.417 The Industrial Revolution, to me, is just like a story I know... 1029 01:19:10.542 --> 01:19:13.837 ..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way. 1030 01:19:15.756 --> 01:19:18.509 The world was changing... 1031 01:19:18.634 --> 01:19:22.971 ..and the puppy was getting... bigger. 1032 01:19:23.597 --> 01:19:28.477 So, you see, the puppy was like industry,... 1033 01:19:28.602 --> 01:19:32.940 ..in that they were both lost in the woods,... 1034 01:19:33.065 --> 01:19:40.531 ..and nobody, especially the little boy - society - knew where to find them. 1035 01:19:43.325 --> 01:19:47.454 Except that the puppy... was a dog. 1036 01:19:48.664 --> 01:19:51.834 But the industry, my friends,... 1037 01:19:51.959 --> 01:19:54.419 ..that was a revolution. 1038 01:19:57.840 --> 01:20:00.300 Knibb High football rules! 1039 01:20:13.480 --> 01:20:17.067 Mr Madison, what you've just said... 1040 01:20:17.192 --> 01:20:21.280 ..is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. 1041 01:20:21.405 --> 01:20:25.909 At no point in your rambling, incoherent response... 1042 01:20:26.034 --> 01:20:31.081 ..were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. 1043 01:20:31.206 --> 01:20:36.211 Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. 1044 01:20:36.336 --> 01:20:41.300 I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. 1045 01:20:42.426 --> 01:20:45.554 OK. A simple ''wrong'' would have done just fine, but... 1046 01:20:45.679 --> 01:20:48.015 You remain one point ahead. 1047 01:20:48.140 --> 01:20:52.394 Mr Gordon, it is your turn. Mr Madison, choose the topic. 1048 01:20:58.775 --> 01:21:02.070 I choose Business Ethics. 1049 01:21:05.491 --> 01:21:10.329 Mr Gordon. The American business environment has fundamentally changed... 1050 01:21:10.454 --> 01:21:14.291 ..following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals. 1051 01:21:14.416 --> 01:21:18.545 Explain business ethics, and how they are applied today. 1052 01:21:28.680 --> 01:21:32.309 The, uh, ethics of, uh, business... 1053 01:21:32.434 --> 01:21:34.895 ..can be summarised in... 1054 01:21:38.440 --> 01:21:40.400 Yeah, um... 1055 01:21:40.526 --> 01:21:42.152 See... 1056 01:21:42.277 --> 01:21:44.112 Ethics are, uh... 1057 01:21:45.197 --> 01:21:48.367 You know, the... the thing about ethics... 1058 01:21:48.492 --> 01:21:50.536 Aagh! 1059 01:21:53.413 --> 01:21:56.792 That question was not fair! That was not in the reading. 1060 01:21:56.917 --> 01:22:00.420 - I demand a new question. - Take it easy, psycho. 1061 01:22:01.046 --> 01:22:03.340 You blew it. You lose. 1062 01:22:03.465 --> 01:22:05.843 I oughta blow you away, you miserable... 1063 01:22:05.968 --> 01:22:08.554 Well, go ahead and do it. 1064 01:22:08.679 --> 01:22:10.222 Yikes! 1065 01:22:14.184 --> 01:22:15.352 No! 1066 01:22:16.603 --> 01:22:18.647 (Eric ) Get off me! 1067 01:22:24.528 --> 01:22:25.654 No! 1068 01:22:32.494 --> 01:22:35.914 Man, I'm glad I called that guy. 1069 01:22:41.044 --> 01:22:44.298 - Max, are you OK? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK. 1070 01:22:44.423 --> 01:22:45.424 OK. 1071 01:22:45.549 --> 01:22:49.261 A little confused, kinda sweaty,... 1072 01:22:49.386 --> 01:22:51.263 ..a little hungry,... 1073 01:22:51.388 --> 01:22:54.141 ..but all in all I'm OK. 1074 01:23:05.027 --> 01:23:08.864 Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. 1075 01:23:08.989 --> 01:23:14.369 Well, what can I say? I graduated. It's over. I did it. 1076 01:23:14.495 --> 01:23:19.124 I know most of you are sayin' ''Hey, any idiot could do that.'' 1077 01:23:19.249 --> 01:23:23.170 Well, it was tough for me, so back off! 1078 01:23:24.213 --> 01:23:29.885 - Sorry. Sorry about that. - Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo! 1079 01:23:31.720 --> 01:23:33.555 (Billy ) That's nice, buddy. 1080 01:23:33.680 --> 01:23:35.265 Yahoo! 1081 01:23:35.390 --> 01:23:37.476 Yahoo for school! 1082 01:23:37.601 --> 01:23:39.645 Yahoo for me! 1083 01:23:41.772 --> 01:23:45.734 Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me,... 1084 01:23:45.859 --> 01:23:50.948 ..so I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels... 1085 01:23:51.073 --> 01:23:53.742 ..and give the company to Carl. 1086 01:23:58.622 --> 01:24:02.125 I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher. 1087 01:24:04.419 --> 01:24:08.215 - Peace! I'm outta here! - (cheering ) 1088 01:24:08.340 --> 01:24:09.842 Daddy. 1089 01:24:09.967 --> 01:24:13.178 What can I say? I saved the day, I guess. 1090 01:24:13.303 --> 01:24:16.181 I mean, Eric doesn't take over the company. 1091 01:24:16.306 --> 01:24:18.684 Are you sure this is what you wanna do? 1092 01:24:18.809 --> 01:24:21.687 I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything. 1093 01:24:24.773 --> 01:24:27.818 Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life. 1094 01:24:27.943 --> 01:24:31.446 You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you. 1095 01:24:32.114 --> 01:24:34.449 But I'm still horny. 1096 01:24:35.492 --> 01:24:38.162 All right, man. You're hurting me. 1097 01:24:42.499 --> 01:24:44.793 You think he's horny. 1098 01:24:44.918 --> 01:24:46.962 Come here.