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1
00:00:43.168 --> 00:00:46.672
~ Suntan lotion is good for me

2
00:00:46.797 --> 00:00:48.549
~ You protect me

3
00:00:48.674 --> 00:00:50.384
~ Tee-hee-hee

4
00:00:51.760 --> 00:00:57.140
Oh, the sun tries to burn me,
but you won't let it, will ya?

5
00:00:58.725 --> 00:01:03.146
Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.

6
00:01:03.272 --> 00:01:05.315
(blows raspberries )

7
00:01:07.484 --> 00:01:09.528
Smiley.

8
00:01:17.828 --> 00:01:21.915
There's something important
I was supposed to do today.

9
00:01:22.040 --> 00:01:24.418
Have five daiquiris?

10
00:01:24.585 --> 00:01:27.462
No, you remembered to do that.

11
00:01:28.589 --> 00:01:32.259
Man, why did I have so many drinks?
I can't remember.

12
00:01:33.427 --> 00:01:36.597
- What's today?
- October?

13
00:01:37.556 --> 00:01:40.309
It's nudie-magazine day!

14
00:01:41.226 --> 00:01:43.270
Yeah!

15
00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:55.324
Watch out, butler!

16
00:01:55.449 --> 00:01:57.492
Ooh, you're a quick one.

17
00:02:08.128 --> 00:02:11.215
Nudie-magazine day!
Nudie-magazine day!

18
00:02:11.757 --> 00:02:14.051
Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...

19
00:02:14.218 --> 00:02:16.261
Agh! Ooh!

20
00:02:38.700 --> 00:02:40.744
Ooh.

21
00:02:41.203 --> 00:02:42.371
Eee...

22
00:02:45.457 --> 00:02:47.501
Ah!

23
00:02:48.710 --> 00:02:50.754
Oh!

24
00:02:54.508 --> 00:02:56.552
(squawking )

25
00:03:00.389 --> 00:03:02.432
Holy jeez!

26
00:03:02.599 --> 00:03:07.646
Lookee what we got here.
That silly penguin is back again.

27
00:03:07.813 --> 00:03:11.400
No, Mr Madison, there no penguin.
You got too much sun today.

28
00:03:11.567 --> 00:03:14.361
- There no penguin!
- (squawks )

29
00:03:14.486 --> 00:03:19.199
It's too damn hot for a penguin
to be just walkin' around here.

30
00:03:20.868 --> 00:03:24.037
I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

31
00:03:25.789 --> 00:03:27.833
No!

32
00:03:36.884 --> 00:03:41.180
Penguin! Don't you dare run away!

33
00:03:42.347 --> 00:03:45.184
Come here, Mr Penguin!

34
00:03:46.602 --> 00:03:48.729
I'm one of the good guys, penguin.

35
00:03:48.854 --> 00:03:51.857
Don't run! Oh. Oh...

36
00:04:02.659 --> 00:04:05.204
Don't run!

37
00:04:05.329 --> 00:04:08.165
Don't run from me!

38
00:04:08.332 --> 00:04:10.375
Penguin!

39
00:04:14.963 --> 00:04:15.881
Penguin.

40
00:04:22.679 --> 00:04:25.599
You're a bad penguin.

41
00:04:26.183 --> 00:04:27.726
Whee-hee!

42
00:04:27.851 --> 00:04:29.728
Call the zoo!

43
00:04:33.315 --> 00:04:38.195
All the people at the zoo
are very nice, penguin.

44
00:04:38.320 --> 00:04:41.823
They'll treat you real respectable, like.

45
00:04:43.242 --> 00:04:46.411
There's nothing to worry about, big fella.

46
00:04:48.330 --> 00:04:50.207
Here I come!

47
00:04:58.131 --> 00:05:02.261
Right this way, gentlemen.
Mr Madison is expecting you.

48
00:05:06.014 --> 00:05:07.474
Leg.

49
00:05:09.935 --> 00:05:15.274
Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front
of your father's business associates.

50
00:05:15.399 --> 00:05:19.152
Now you get yourself upstairs
and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.

51
00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:21.613
- Yeah, yeah.
- Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy.

52
00:05:21.738 --> 00:05:24.908
This is a very important dinner.
You best be there.

53
00:05:25.075 --> 00:05:28.161
I will. Thank you, Juanita.

54
00:05:28.871 --> 00:05:32.374
You gotta dress yourself up
and look nice, too.

55
00:05:32.499 --> 00:05:36.170
Oh, that boy's a fine
piece of work all right.

56
00:05:37.629 --> 00:05:40.299
He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

57
00:05:47.764 --> 00:05:49.975
Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.

58
00:05:50.100 --> 00:05:54.396
I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car.
You should've had some.

59
00:05:54.563 --> 00:05:57.399
If you'd told me
there were Triscuit crackers,...

60
00:05:57.524 --> 00:06:00.110
- ..I could've enjoyed them with you.
- I'm sorry.

61
00:06:00.277 --> 00:06:03.906
Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers
in my stomach, does it, Carl?

62
00:06:04.072 --> 00:06:07.743
Gentlemen?
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

63
00:06:07.910 --> 00:06:12.873
Have you all met?
Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.

64
00:06:12.998 --> 00:06:17.711
And our operations manager Carl Alphonse.
Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

65
00:06:17.878 --> 00:06:19.838
Beautiful table.

66
00:06:19.963 --> 00:06:22.007
Good seeing you, sir.

67
00:06:25.469 --> 00:06:27.888
Where's Billy?

68
00:06:29.431 --> 00:06:32.100
Juanita said he'd be down
in a few minutes.

69
00:06:32.226 --> 00:06:35.062
I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.

70
00:06:35.187 --> 00:06:39.900
Shampoo is better.
I go on first and clean the hair.

71
00:06:40.067 --> 00:06:42.361
Conditioner is better.

72
00:06:42.528 --> 00:06:45.864
I leave the hair silky and smooth.

73
00:06:46.031 --> 00:06:48.450
Oh, really, fool? Really!

74
00:06:52.621 --> 00:06:54.665
Stop looking at me, swan.

75
00:07:06.051 --> 00:07:08.220
(slurps )

76
00:07:20.107 --> 00:07:22.442
- Hey, Carl, what's up?
- Nothing much, Billy.

77
00:07:22.609 --> 00:07:24.945
- I see you got a little sun today.
- You think so?

78
00:07:25.112 --> 00:07:29.950
- I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.
- Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

79
00:07:31.952 --> 00:07:34.204
Shut up!

80
00:07:34.371 --> 00:07:38.834
That's enough, Billy. Because you took
your sweet-ass time coming down here,...

81
00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.170
..these gentlemen will miss their flights.

82
00:07:41.336 --> 00:07:45.174
Well, this guy can stay in my room,
I'll tell you that much.

83
00:07:51.972 --> 00:07:54.349
Billy? Eat your soup.

84
00:07:55.058 --> 00:07:56.768
It's good soup.

85
00:07:58.145 --> 00:08:01.315
Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough
for coming this evening.

86
00:08:01.481 --> 00:08:03.901
(yells gibberish )

87
00:08:04.067 --> 00:08:07.404
Please, Billy, please,
no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.

88
00:08:07.571 --> 00:08:09.573
Sorry, Daddy.

89
00:08:10.407 --> 00:08:14.536
This is a big night for me tonight, gents.
I have an important announcement.

90
00:08:14.703 --> 00:08:16.955
(fast gibberish )

91
00:08:17.122 --> 00:08:20.209
That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!

92
00:08:22.461 --> 00:08:24.755
(slow gibberish )

93
00:08:33.013 --> 00:08:36.975
- Nice talkin' to you, Billy.
- (singsong gibberish )

94
00:08:38.101 --> 00:08:39.937
(yells )

95
00:08:49.446 --> 00:08:51.448
Right. One, two, three!

96
00:08:54.076 --> 00:08:56.995
Hey, Billy, how come
you ain't poundin' any tonight?

97
00:08:57.120 --> 00:09:01.416
I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me.
I'm just not in the mood.

98
00:09:02.876 --> 00:09:08.549
Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone,
Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

99
00:09:08.715 --> 00:09:12.511
Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4?

100
00:09:12.678 --> 00:09:14.680
'7 4.

101
00:09:16.098 --> 00:09:18.308
- Meg Ryan.
- Go.

102
00:09:18.475 --> 00:09:21.311
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

103
00:09:24.481 --> 00:09:26.733
Oh, my God! I am the winner!

104
00:09:26.900 --> 00:09:30.487
- Billy is not an idiot.
- I'm not saying he's an idiot.

105
00:09:30.654 --> 00:09:35.242
I just think he might not be mature
enough to run a Fortune 500 company.

106
00:09:36.326 --> 00:09:39.162
My late wife Emily and I
started this company...

107
00:09:39.288 --> 00:09:42.416
..with a 15-unit motel
in Patchogue, Long Island.

108
00:09:42.583 --> 00:09:45.043
We built it into 650 hotels.

109
00:09:45.210 --> 00:09:50.048
Our dream was to one day
turn it over to our only son Billy.

110
00:09:50.215 --> 00:09:53.677
- How many people work for Madison?
- 61,000 and change.

111
00:09:53.844 --> 00:09:59.600
How long will they have jobs once Billy
has the hotel operator speaking gibberish?

112
00:10:06.315 --> 00:10:08.192
Oh, Billy, Billy boy.

113
00:10:08.358 --> 00:10:12.070
When are you gonna find
whatever it is you're lookin' for?

114
00:10:12.237 --> 00:10:14.656
Here's a nice piece of shit.

115
00:10:20.787 --> 00:10:24.666
My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens
realises it's a bag of shit.

116
00:10:24.833 --> 00:10:27.878
He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit.

117
00:10:28.045 --> 00:10:30.589
Who got the lighter?

118
00:10:30.756 --> 00:10:32.758
Come on.

119
00:10:41.266 --> 00:10:43.268
Light it.

120
00:10:47.648 --> 00:10:49.650
(rings doorbell)

121
00:10:52.194 --> 00:10:54.696
Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!

122
00:10:54.863 --> 00:10:56.448
Shh. Here he comes!

123
00:10:56.615 --> 00:10:58.784
Who the hell is it? What do you want?

124
00:10:58.951 --> 00:11:01.745
Judas Priest, Barbara!
One of those flaming bags again!

125
00:11:01.912 --> 00:11:04.581
(Barbara ) Don't put it out
with your boots, Ted.

126
00:11:04.748 --> 00:11:07.042
Don't tell me my business, devil woman.

127
00:11:07.376 --> 00:11:10.921
Call the fire department.
This one's outta control(!)

128
00:11:15.092 --> 00:11:17.094
(sniffs )

129
00:11:19.888 --> 00:11:21.598
It's poop again!

130
00:11:21.723 --> 00:11:24.184
He called the shit ''poop''!

131
00:11:25.227 --> 00:11:28.021
This is the best night of my life!

132
00:11:28.146 --> 00:11:33.026
I'll get you damn kids for this!
You're all gonna die!

133
00:11:35.946 --> 00:11:38.657
Billy, could you step in here
for a moment?

134
00:11:38.824 --> 00:11:41.076
I have big news.

135
00:11:41.243 --> 00:11:45.164
Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy!

136
00:11:45.289 --> 00:11:48.917
Feel those kicks!
He's gonna be a soccer player. He is.

137
00:11:49.042 --> 00:11:51.670
He is.

138
00:11:55.549 --> 00:11:57.801
All right, what's up?

139
00:11:57.968 --> 00:12:00.470
I've had to face
some hard truths tonight, Billy.

140
00:12:00.596 --> 00:12:03.182
Do we have to do this
with Captain Dipshit here?

141
00:12:03.307 --> 00:12:07.269
You were brought up with
every advantage. I bought you everything.

142
00:12:07.394 --> 00:12:10.272
Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...

143
00:12:10.397 --> 00:12:12.858
Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

144
00:12:12.983 --> 00:12:17.070
Yeah, well, whatever.
It's all my fault. I made a mistake.

145
00:12:17.196 --> 00:12:20.991
Jeez, what...?
Are you some damned moron?

146
00:12:21.116 --> 00:12:23.577
Can't you just stop for two seconds?

147
00:12:23.702 --> 00:12:27.039
I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring,
and Eric, not you,...

148
00:12:27.164 --> 00:12:29.833
- ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels.
- Eric?!

149
00:12:30.334 --> 00:12:34.254
You're gonna give the company to Eric?
He is a bad, bad man!

150
00:12:34.379 --> 00:12:39.301
What do you care, Billy? What do you care
who I appoint to run the company, huh?

151
00:12:39.426 --> 00:12:43.889
I mean, I'm doin' you a favour.
You don't ever have to look for a job.

152
00:12:44.014 --> 00:12:49.102
You can sit around all day, goofing off,
sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.

153
00:12:49.561 --> 00:12:52.898
Is that it, Dad?
Did the penguin tell you to do this?

154
00:12:53.023 --> 00:12:55.150
- Penguin?
- What an idiot.

155
00:12:55.275 --> 00:12:58.153
You know, I could help Billy
until he gets the hang of it.

156
00:12:58.278 --> 00:13:02.950
I think crazy Carl is right. I mean,
I can do this if I set my mind to it.

157
00:13:03.075 --> 00:13:05.536
High school was a pain in the ass,
but I graduated.

158
00:13:05.661 --> 00:13:08.705
Because I paid your teachers
to give you decent grades.

159
00:13:08.831 --> 00:13:11.875
I've regretted it every day since.
I thought at the time...

160
00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:15.546
..if you could get good grades,
you might get into a good college...

161
00:13:15.671 --> 00:13:18.715
- ..and straighten yourself out.
- I don't believe that.

162
00:13:18.841 --> 00:13:22.177
Well, what do you believe?
That you were an honours student?

163
00:13:22.302 --> 00:13:27.683
How could I hand over my company to someone who
couldn't even get through school on his own?

164
00:13:27.808 --> 00:13:31.311
I don't know. Don't think about it.
Just hand it over.

165
00:13:33.355 --> 00:13:35.399
Forget it.

166
00:13:37.234 --> 00:13:40.988
Well, listen, don't you think you better
go to bed? Big day tomorrow.

167
00:13:41.113 --> 00:13:45.868
A day filled with daiquiris
and Nintendos and jack-off magazines...

168
00:13:48.495 --> 00:13:50.539
Dad!

169
00:13:51.373 --> 00:13:52.708
Yeah, what?

170
00:13:52.833 --> 00:13:55.669
Give me one more chance.
I'll prove I can take over.

171
00:13:55.794 --> 00:14:00.382
I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back
to high school and take the exams again.

172
00:14:00.507 --> 00:14:05.637
- I'll get my diploma all by myself.
- Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.

173
00:14:05.762 --> 00:14:08.473
Remember that spelling bee
you won in the first grade?

174
00:14:08.599 --> 00:14:11.518
- No, you didn't.
- Rock.

175
00:14:11.643 --> 00:14:14.021
R-o-k.

176
00:14:14.146 --> 00:14:16.899
Yeah? So what's your point?

177
00:14:17.024 --> 00:14:20.444
- R-o-c-k!
- The C is silent.

178
00:14:21.737 --> 00:14:23.906
OK, all right.

179
00:14:24.031 --> 00:14:28.619
All right, you got it. First grade
through 12th grade all over again.

180
00:14:29.536 --> 00:14:34.124
I'll do each grade in two weeks,
take the tests, regraduate,...

181
00:14:34.249 --> 00:14:40.047
..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then
I get to take over Madison Hotels.

182
00:14:40.172 --> 00:14:42.216
That's some idea.

183
00:14:43.258 --> 00:14:46.803
- You just think of that?
- Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

184
00:14:48.096 --> 00:14:51.183
Brian, don't you think
the future of Madison Hotels...

185
00:14:51.308 --> 00:14:56.021
..and its 61,000 employees is too
important to gamble on a game like this?

186
00:14:56.146 --> 00:14:58.190
No.

187
00:14:59.525 --> 00:15:02.361
You're on.
Carl, you make the arrangements.

188
00:15:03.487 --> 00:15:08.784
You pass every grade before June 15
and you take over instead of Eric.

189
00:15:10.244 --> 00:15:14.748
Have a nice weekend, son.
You start school on Monday.

190
00:15:15.249 --> 00:15:16.458
Oh!

191
00:15:16.583 --> 00:15:18.627
Give 'em hell, Bill.

192
00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:25.217
Nice try, asswipe.
But you're just delaying the inevitable.

193
00:15:29.096 --> 00:15:31.765
(~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club )

194
00:15:33.350 --> 00:15:37.437
~ Downtown we'll drown,
we're in our never splendour

195
00:15:37.563 --> 00:15:39.731
~ Flowers, showers

196
00:15:39.857 --> 00:15:42.109
~ Who's got the new boy gender?

197
00:15:42.234 --> 00:15:45.737
~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score

198
00:15:46.363 --> 00:15:49.366
~ I'll run the gun for you
and so much more

199
00:15:49.491 --> 00:15:51.118
~ I'll tumble for ya

200
00:15:51.618 --> 00:15:53.245
~ I'll tumble for ya

201
00:15:53.745 --> 00:15:57.875
~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you

202
00:15:58.000 --> 00:15:59.418
~ I'll tumble for ya

203
00:16:00.127 --> 00:16:01.712
~ I'll tumble for ya

204
00:16:02.254 --> 00:16:05.299
~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble

205
00:16:09.553 --> 00:16:13.473
~ I get a crazy feeling
that chases in my head

206
00:16:13.599 --> 00:16:17.311
~ It's nothing that you do to me,
it's nothing that you said

207
00:16:17.811 --> 00:16:19.605
Where's my Snack Pack?

208
00:16:19.730 --> 00:16:22.441
You've got a banana.
You don't need no Snack Pack.

209
00:16:22.566 --> 00:16:26.069
You know I like Snack Pack.
Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?!

210
00:16:26.195 --> 00:16:28.614
I thought I was your Snack Pack.

211
00:16:28.739 --> 00:16:30.991
- What are you talkin' about?
- Nothin'.

212
00:16:31.658 --> 00:16:33.785
Bill, you're gonna miss the bus.

213
00:16:33.911 --> 00:16:36.872
Yeah, you better get
your beautiful buns up that driveway.

214
00:16:36.997 --> 00:16:39.416
- What a weirdo!
- (Juanita laughs )

215
00:16:42.294 --> 00:16:44.963
~ Oh, back to school

216
00:16:45.088 --> 00:16:46.673
~ Back to school

217
00:16:46.798 --> 00:16:50.761
~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool

218
00:16:50.886 --> 00:16:54.139
~ I got my lunch packed up

219
00:16:54.264 --> 00:16:56.099
~ My boots tied tight

220
00:16:56.225 --> 00:16:59.561
~ I hope I don't get in a fight

221
00:17:00.145 --> 00:17:02.564
~ Oh, back to school

222
00:17:02.689 --> 00:17:06.443
~ Back to school, back to school...

223
00:17:09.988 --> 00:17:12.449
Well, here goes nothin'.

224
00:17:30.843 --> 00:17:32.886
Thank you, Daddy.

225
00:17:47.985 --> 00:17:49.945
- Hi. How you doin'?
- Fine.

226
00:17:50.070 --> 00:17:52.155
Are you going to class today, too?

227
00:17:52.281 --> 00:17:54.992
I'll be going to class to teach.
How about you?

228
00:17:55.284 --> 00:17:57.619
I'll be going to learn.

229
00:17:57.744 --> 00:18:00.706
Ah. You must be Billy Madison.

230
00:18:00.831 --> 00:18:02.082
Yes, I am.

231
00:18:02.207 --> 00:18:06.628
Don't you think it's pathetic that because
of your father you get to do school again?

232
00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:09.673
- Yes, I do.
- Well, as long as you know.

233
00:18:09.798 --> 00:18:11.842
Well, all right!

234
00:18:18.724 --> 00:18:20.767
(bell rings )

235
00:18:26.732 --> 00:18:28.775
(children shrieking )

236
00:18:32.863 --> 00:18:35.199
Hey, mister,
guess what I had for breakfast.

237
00:18:35.324 --> 00:18:37.367
- What?
- Beans.

238
00:18:42.623 --> 00:18:45.542
Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty?

239
00:18:46.919 --> 00:18:50.297
- Hey. How you doin'?
- Let's involve the class.

240
00:18:50.422 --> 00:18:52.883
Quiet down, my special people.

241
00:18:55.511 --> 00:18:57.763
I want you all to meet...

242
00:18:57.888 --> 00:19:00.557
..our new friend Billy.

243
00:19:00.682 --> 00:19:04.853
- Can everyone say hello to Billy?
- Hello, Billy.

244
00:19:04.978 --> 00:19:06.605
Hi.

245
00:19:06.730 --> 00:19:11.026
Billy is going to be sharing our fun
and learning for the next two weeks.

246
00:19:11.151 --> 00:19:15.364
Billy is special,
just like each and every one of you.

247
00:19:15.948 --> 00:19:19.034
And what do we do to our special people?

248
00:19:26.208 --> 00:19:28.252
All right. All right.

249
00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.925
Billy, why don't you take a seat
right up front here?

250
00:19:35.050 --> 00:19:38.762
And we can start story time.

251
00:19:40.013 --> 00:19:42.057
You got a misshaped head.

252
00:19:42.182 --> 00:19:44.226
Thank you.

253
00:19:48.438 --> 00:19:52.985
The Puppy Who Lost His Way
by Chrissy Taylor.

254
00:19:54.611 --> 00:19:57.030
''One fine morning...

255
00:19:57.155 --> 00:20:03.036
..a puppy popped his puppy paws
out of his puppy house.''

256
00:20:03.162 --> 00:20:05.914
''This was no ordinary puppy.''

257
00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:11.211
''This puppy was the happiest puppy
in the whole world.''

258
00:20:11.336 --> 00:20:17.718
''In fact, his name was Happy.
Happy looked through the bushes...''

259
00:20:17.843 --> 00:20:22.014
'''I'll never let you get lost again',
cried the little boy,...

260
00:20:22.139 --> 00:20:26.059
..who was so happy
that he gave Happy a kiss...

261
00:20:26.185 --> 00:20:29.062
..on his wet little puppy nose.''

262
00:20:30.063 --> 00:20:32.357
''The end.''

263
00:20:32.482 --> 00:20:37.029
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy.
The part of the story I don't like...

264
00:20:37.154 --> 00:20:40.741
..is that the little boy gave up
looking for Happy after an hour.

265
00:20:40.866 --> 00:20:45.704
He didn't put posters up. He just sat
on the porch like a goon and waited.

266
00:20:45.829 --> 00:20:50.292
That little boy's gotta think:
you got a pet, you got a responsibility.

267
00:20:50.417 --> 00:20:54.129
If your dog gets lost, you don't look
for an hour then call it quits.

268
00:20:54.254 --> 00:20:58.050
You get your ass out there
and you find that fuckin' dog!

269
00:21:01.470 --> 00:21:05.599
I think it's time to play dodge ball.

270
00:21:21.657 --> 00:21:24.117
You're out! O'Doyle rules!

271
00:21:31.792 --> 00:21:34.044
(sitar music )

272
00:21:47.307 --> 00:21:49.726
Billy. What are you doing back?

273
00:21:49.852 --> 00:21:51.895
I'm out.

274
00:21:52.980 --> 00:21:57.734
Well, that just means you stay
off to the side until a new game starts.

275
00:21:57.860 --> 00:22:01.947
That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway.
I'll just sit here and colour or something.

276
00:22:02.072 --> 00:22:06.451
Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time.

277
00:22:06.577 --> 00:22:11.832
Not just for you boys and girls,
but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside.

278
00:22:23.427 --> 00:22:25.345
(children ) Whoa!

279
00:22:25.470 --> 00:22:28.557
Now you're all in big, big trouble.

280
00:22:29.266 --> 00:22:31.935
(~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones )

281
00:22:40.152 --> 00:22:41.737
You're out!

282
00:22:41.862 --> 00:22:43.614
Oh, yeah!

283
00:22:48.243 --> 00:22:49.536
(bell rings )

284
00:22:49.661 --> 00:22:51.330
Lunchtime!

285
00:22:58.587 --> 00:23:01.256
I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.

286
00:23:03.717 --> 00:23:06.970
Wanna trade me the rest of it
for this banana?

287
00:23:08.388 --> 00:23:11.308
You know how badly I can beat you, right?

288
00:23:14.436 --> 00:23:18.148
Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis
is the best video game ever.

289
00:23:18.273 --> 00:23:22.694
I disagree. It's a very good game, but I
think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

290
00:23:22.819 --> 00:23:26.532
- Donkey Kong sucks.
- You know somethin'? You suck.

291
00:23:28.617 --> 00:23:31.537
~ Number one, number one

292
00:23:31.662 --> 00:23:34.248
~ Now my song has just begun

293
00:23:34.373 --> 00:23:37.709
~ With a rum tum taddelum,
Old John Braddelum

294
00:23:37.835 --> 00:23:40.796
~ Hey, what country folk we be

295
00:23:44.216 --> 00:23:47.261
~ Number two, number two

296
00:23:47.386 --> 00:23:50.013
~ Roosters crow,
cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo

297
00:23:50.138 --> 00:23:53.600
~ With a rum tum taddelum,
Old John Braddelum

298
00:23:53.725 --> 00:23:57.020
~ Hey, what countryfolk we be

299
00:24:00.232 --> 00:24:03.068
~ Number three, number three

300
00:24:03.193 --> 00:24:05.612
~ I like you and you like me

301
00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:22.129
Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up
your little brother here at school.

302
00:24:22.254 --> 00:24:24.882
He's not my brother. He's my son.

303
00:24:26.049 --> 00:24:30.179
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
- Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.

304
00:24:30.304 --> 00:24:32.723
I heard he's retarded or something.

305
00:24:33.724 --> 00:24:35.267
(laughs )

306
00:24:35.976 --> 00:24:39.813
Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make
Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.

307
00:24:39.938 --> 00:24:44.026
Daddy's in prison, and he won't
be home for a long time.

308
00:24:44.151 --> 00:24:46.195
My dear Lord.

309
00:24:46.320 --> 00:24:50.449
Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin'
right now. I gotta get on the bus.

310
00:24:50.574 --> 00:24:53.785
I ride the bus for the city
and watch the bus drivers.

311
00:24:53.911 --> 00:24:56.872
This programme to make sure
they turn the wheels right...

312
00:24:56.997 --> 00:24:59.249
Billy, you forgot your stuff.

313
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.965
Come on, honey.

314
00:25:07.090 --> 00:25:09.551
Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!

315
00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:15.557
- (phone rings )
- Yes.

316
00:25:15.682 --> 00:25:20.020
- (secretary ) Brian Madison for you.
- Tell him I'm out to lunch.

317
00:25:20.145 --> 00:25:22.272
Billy Madison.

318
00:25:22.397 --> 00:25:28.237
A buffoon. And yet a threat
to my eventual takeover of this company.

319
00:25:28.362 --> 00:25:31.740
A menace.
And what do we do with a menace?

320
00:25:31.865 --> 00:25:36.286
We eliminate it.
We eliminate Billy Madison.

321
00:25:36.411 --> 00:25:38.914
- Tricia Labonte?
- Here.

322
00:25:40.624 --> 00:25:42.876
- Scotty Logan?
- Here.

323
00:25:44.419 --> 00:25:46.964
- Billy Madison?
- (blows raspberry )

324
00:25:48.006 --> 00:25:50.050
(laughing )

325
00:25:59.685 --> 00:26:00.936
Hm...

326
00:26:25.502 --> 00:26:28.505
Hey. Look at all this milk.

327
00:26:28.630 --> 00:26:32.885
- You want some of this milk?
- That milk belongs to that classroom.

328
00:26:33.010 --> 00:26:36.722
Oh. They don't gots to know about it.
It could be our milk.

329
00:26:36.847 --> 00:26:39.725
No milk will ever be our milk.

330
00:26:40.601 --> 00:26:42.644
Ooh. That wasn't very nice.

331
00:26:42.769 --> 00:26:46.190
How 'bout you, sideburns?
You want some of this milk?

332
00:26:46.315 --> 00:26:47.941
Rather have a beer.

333
00:27:21.016 --> 00:27:24.394
I drew the duck blue because
I've never seen a blue duck before...

334
00:27:24.520 --> 00:27:27.606
..and, to be honest with ya,
I wanted to see a blue duck.

335
00:27:27.898 --> 00:27:30.984
Well, it's an excellent blue duck.

336
00:27:31.109 --> 00:27:35.072
Congratulations.
You just passed the first grade.

337
00:27:35.197 --> 00:27:37.950
Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great.

338
00:27:38.075 --> 00:27:40.202
What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck?

339
00:27:40.327 --> 00:27:42.788
That's quack-tastic!

340
00:27:46.166 --> 00:27:48.627
Wow! Look at all that candy!

341
00:27:49.586 --> 00:27:51.296
Rolex!

342
00:27:54.508 --> 00:27:58.428
- Thanks for the watch, Billy.
- You're welcome, buddy.

343
00:27:58.554 --> 00:28:04.393
This is great. When I graduated first grade
all my father did was tell me to get a job.

344
00:28:04.518 --> 00:28:05.519
(braying )

345
00:28:05.644 --> 00:28:09.523
Hey, you wanna feed that donkey
some beer, get it all messed up?

346
00:28:09.648 --> 00:28:13.443
- Maybe later.
- I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

347
00:28:13.569 --> 00:28:17.072
- OK.
- Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'?

348
00:28:17.197 --> 00:28:19.241
(Eric ) Go!

349
00:28:22.578 --> 00:28:25.247
Come on, kid! Get up! Get up!

350
00:28:25.372 --> 00:28:27.958
You're humiliating yourself! Get up!

351
00:28:30.544 --> 00:28:32.588
Whoa, whoa, whoa...

352
00:28:35.674 --> 00:28:37.384
Aaah!

353
00:28:53.192 --> 00:28:57.237
So he's passed first grade and
he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do.

354
00:28:57.362 --> 00:28:59.698
Any more information, Rollo?

355
00:29:04.036 --> 00:29:06.246
Billy likes to drink soda.

356
00:29:09.625 --> 00:29:12.669
Miss Lippy's car is green.

357
00:29:15.631 --> 00:29:18.717
And now we have just two students left.

358
00:29:20.719 --> 00:29:22.554
Bath.

359
00:29:22.930 --> 00:29:25.057
Bath.

360
00:29:25.182 --> 00:29:29.645
B-a-t-h.

361
00:29:29.770 --> 00:29:31.980
- Bath.
- Correct!

362
00:29:32.105 --> 00:29:36.360
Bath - that's a little easy.
Why don't you just give her the trophy?

363
00:29:37.528 --> 00:29:39.154
Cheese.

364
00:29:41.156 --> 00:29:42.199
Cheese.

365
00:29:42.449 --> 00:29:49.456
C-h-e-e-s-e.

366
00:29:49.581 --> 00:29:51.875
- Cheese.
- Correct.

367
00:29:53.502 --> 00:29:56.630
- Couch.
- Couch.

368
00:29:58.799 --> 00:30:00.175
C...

369
00:30:00.300 --> 00:30:03.554
C-o...

370
00:30:04.680 --> 00:30:06.974
- W?
- No!

371
00:30:07.307 --> 00:30:10.185
No, I'm sorry, that's not right.

372
00:30:10.310 --> 00:30:11.979
(laughs )

373
00:30:12.104 --> 00:30:16.066
Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly,
you pass second grade.

374
00:30:18.443 --> 00:30:19.778
Couch.

375
00:30:19.903 --> 00:30:21.947
C...

376
00:30:22.698 --> 00:30:24.324
Cou...

377
00:30:24.741 --> 00:30:26.326
Cou...

378
00:30:27.411 --> 00:30:29.454
C-o...

379
00:30:30.539 --> 00:30:34.668
R... Are you going to the mall later?
That's what I'm asking.

380
00:30:34.793 --> 00:30:38.380
No, I am not going to the mall.
Keep spelling, mister.

381
00:30:39.381 --> 00:30:41.425
C-o-u...

382
00:30:43.218 --> 00:30:45.345
..c-h?

383
00:30:46.555 --> 00:30:48.473
Correct!

384
00:30:48.599 --> 00:30:51.685
I am the smartest man alive!

385
00:30:53.103 --> 00:30:55.647
(squealing )

386
00:30:57.858 --> 00:31:01.278
Is he gonna have a stupid party
every time he passes a grade?

387
00:31:02.029 --> 00:31:04.364
(Carl) Everybody's having
a good time but you.

388
00:31:04.490 --> 00:31:06.950
Spoilt snot. Get outta here.

389
00:31:07.951 --> 00:31:12.956
Let me ask you something, Carl.
You started here, what, 25 years ago?

390
00:31:13.081 --> 00:31:15.667
Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?

391
00:31:15.792 --> 00:31:21.381
After all your hard work, how would you
feel working for some punk kid like Billy?

392
00:31:22.049 --> 00:31:23.884
Could be worse.

393
00:31:27.262 --> 00:31:28.555
That's nice.

394
00:31:31.391 --> 00:31:34.228
Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy,...

395
00:31:34.353 --> 00:31:38.398
..but social studies, division?
This is gonna be tough.

396
00:31:40.359 --> 00:31:43.195
Man, I'm so nervous.
First and second grade were easy,...

397
00:31:43.320 --> 00:31:46.198
..but social studies, division?
This is gonna be tough.

398
00:31:46.323 --> 00:31:48.534
Relax, dude.

399
00:31:49.660 --> 00:31:51.119
Jackpot.

400
00:31:51.245 --> 00:31:55.624
- Good morning, class.
- Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

401
00:31:55.749 --> 00:32:00.921
We're gonna start today by reading
a short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''.

402
00:32:01.046 --> 00:32:03.006
Quiet.

403
00:32:03.131 --> 00:32:07.386
OK, so let's all open up
our Reading is Fun books to page 69.

404
00:32:07.511 --> 00:32:09.555
69!

405
00:32:12.266 --> 00:32:15.102
Class, say hello to Billy Madison.

406
00:32:15.227 --> 00:32:18.564
Hello, Billy Madison.

407
00:32:18.689 --> 00:32:21.608
Billy is a nuisance.
He will be gone in two weeks.

408
00:32:21.733 --> 00:32:24.820
I apologise for this inconvenience.

409
00:32:25.612 --> 00:32:28.866
- Jeez! What's up her butt?
- What was that, Billy?

410
00:32:28.991 --> 00:32:32.077
I said ''Reading is good.''

411
00:32:32.202 --> 00:32:34.663
Can we start the story now?

412
00:32:37.040 --> 00:32:39.084
Dan, you may begin.

413
00:32:39.960 --> 00:32:41.628
''O... o... once...

414
00:32:41.753 --> 00:32:44.631
..th... th... there w... was...

415
00:32:44.756 --> 00:32:47.301
..a g... g... girl...

416
00:32:47.426 --> 00:32:49.511
..who w...''

417
00:32:49.636 --> 00:32:51.847
- He can't even read.
- Cut it out, dude.

418
00:32:51.972 --> 00:32:54.433
You're gonna get us in trouble.

419
00:32:55.225 --> 00:32:57.853
''..p... p... p... p...''

420
00:32:57.978 --> 00:33:00.063
T... t... t... today, junior!

421
00:33:10.240 --> 00:33:13.285
Ow! You're tearing my ear off!

422
00:33:13.410 --> 00:33:18.248
Making fun of a kid for trying to read.
Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

423
00:33:18.373 --> 00:33:21.919
I'm sorry. I can't hear you.
I've been physically abused in the ear.

424
00:33:22.044 --> 00:33:27.007
Keep your mouth shut for the next two
weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story.

425
00:33:27.132 --> 00:33:31.887
I see your lips movin', but I can't
make out your words. I'm deaf.

426
00:33:33.514 --> 00:33:36.892
Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot.

427
00:33:37.017 --> 00:33:39.228
Want to touch the heinie.

428
00:33:39.353 --> 00:33:41.230
(howls )

429
00:33:41.355 --> 00:33:45.150
So that girlie I've been chasin'?
Turns out she's my third-grade teacher.

430
00:33:45.275 --> 00:33:47.820
First thing she does
is kick me out of her class.

431
00:33:47.945 --> 00:33:50.864
Maybe she feels she has
to make an example of you.

432
00:33:50.989 --> 00:33:54.076
- Or she's got somethin' up her ass.
- That's what I said.

433
00:33:54.201 --> 00:33:56.703
- Poor Billy.
- I'm so depressed.

434
00:33:57.579 --> 00:34:00.165
- Want me to take my shirt off for you?
- No, thank you.

435
00:34:00.290 --> 00:34:03.961
OK, baby. But remember,
the offer is on the table.

436
00:34:05.754 --> 00:34:09.633
Oh, yes. Oh, my.

437
00:34:09.758 --> 00:34:11.844
Oh, God, yes.

438
00:34:11.969 --> 00:34:14.221
- Lordy.
- Billy Madison.

439
00:34:14.346 --> 00:34:15.472
Uh-huh?

440
00:34:15.597 --> 00:34:19.852
Would you like to try writing some words
in cursive on the blackboard today?

441
00:34:19.977 --> 00:34:22.020
OK. Sure.

442
00:34:28.944 --> 00:34:30.988
OK, how about the word ''dugout''?

443
00:34:41.540 --> 00:34:43.876
OK, good. How about ''bunt''?

444
00:34:52.926 --> 00:34:56.305
Bunt. B-u-n-t.

445
00:34:56.430 --> 00:35:00.893
In perfect cursive.
Any more brain-busters?

446
00:35:02.269 --> 00:35:04.313
Rizzuto.

447
00:35:11.069 --> 00:35:13.113
Z... Z...

448
00:35:22.122 --> 00:35:23.749
Rirruto?

449
00:35:24.833 --> 00:35:27.127
Those are Zs.

450
00:35:27.252 --> 00:35:29.171
They look like Rs to me.

451
00:35:29.296 --> 00:35:34.635
That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word.
He's a baseball player. You're cheating.

452
00:35:34.760 --> 00:35:37.137
Would you like to try the word ''buzz''?

453
00:35:37.262 --> 00:35:39.264
(children laugh )

454
00:35:39.389 --> 00:35:42.226
I hate cursive and I hate all of you!

455
00:35:42.351 --> 00:35:44.853
I'm never comin' back to school! Never!

456
00:35:44.978 --> 00:35:47.272
(children laugh )

457
00:35:51.401 --> 00:35:53.445
(Juanita ) Billy!

458
00:36:02.037 --> 00:36:04.206
I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school.

459
00:36:04.331 --> 00:36:08.836
If you're gonna stay home today,
you could help me shave my armpits.

460
00:36:08.961 --> 00:36:11.880
Oh, my God! I'll go to school.

461
00:36:15.634 --> 00:36:17.678
O'Doyle rules!

462
00:36:24.685 --> 00:36:29.439
- What's goin' on?
- Miss Vaughn's sick.

463
00:36:31.024 --> 00:36:32.818
(teacher claps )

464
00:36:32.943 --> 00:36:35.612
Please take your seats.

465
00:36:36.989 --> 00:36:40.450
- Who's that guy?
- Principal Anderson.

466
00:36:43.704 --> 00:36:48.709
As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling
well today, so I'll be taking her place.

467
00:36:48.834 --> 00:36:52.004
But don't get your hopes up,
because I plan on teaching,...

468
00:36:52.129 --> 00:36:54.715
..so I hope you plan on learning.

469
00:36:55.382 --> 00:37:00.304
Now, who can tell me where we are
in our social-studies reader?

470
00:37:00.429 --> 00:37:02.431
Yes?

471
00:37:02.556 --> 00:37:04.141
Michael?

472
00:37:04.850 --> 00:37:07.311
Excuse me. What's that in your hand?

473
00:37:09.605 --> 00:37:11.940
Bring that note up to me.

474
00:37:12.065 --> 00:37:14.401
(class ) Ooh.

475
00:37:18.238 --> 00:37:21.950
Now let's see what couldn't wait
till after class.

476
00:37:27.498 --> 00:37:31.752
''We're so lucky to have
Principal Anderson substituting.''

477
00:37:33.003 --> 00:37:38.175
''Now we have the privilege of staring
at that tub of lard all day long''?

478
00:37:39.551 --> 00:37:44.431
''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass
right into oncoming traffic.''

479
00:37:47.935 --> 00:37:51.480
Oh, man, Billy,
I just thought of the funniest thing.

480
00:37:52.231 --> 00:37:54.274
Billy?

481
00:37:55.651 --> 00:37:59.613
- Where's Billy?
- He's in school, man.

482
00:37:59.738 --> 00:38:00.989
Oh, yeah.

483
00:38:22.469 --> 00:38:25.305
(~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars )

484
00:38:25.430 --> 00:38:27.516
~ I'm not the one

485
00:38:28.392 --> 00:38:31.270
~ That you'll be shootin' for

486
00:38:31.395 --> 00:38:33.438
~ I'm not the one

487
00:38:34.481 --> 00:38:36.984
~ Who's coming back for more

488
00:38:37.109 --> 00:38:40.529
~ You know why

489
00:38:40.654 --> 00:38:42.990
~ We've been through this too many times

490
00:38:43.115 --> 00:38:45.993
~ You know why

491
00:38:46.118 --> 00:38:49.580
~ It's never clear it's pantomime

492
00:38:52.166 --> 00:38:56.712
I don't wanna sound like a weirdo,
but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.

493
00:38:56.837 --> 00:38:59.756
- Why? Do you like her or something?
- No!

494
00:38:59.882 --> 00:39:02.926
- Why? Did she say she likes me?
- Not to me.

495
00:39:03.051 --> 00:39:05.721
Well, let's find out.

496
00:39:17.691 --> 00:39:20.277
Uh, hello?

497
00:39:20.402 --> 00:39:22.529
Um, is this Miss Vaughn?

498
00:39:22.654 --> 00:39:24.573
Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.

499
00:39:24.698 --> 00:39:27.618
(whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend.

500
00:39:27.743 --> 00:39:31.246
Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?

501
00:39:33.332 --> 00:39:35.125
(whispers ) No.

502
00:39:35.751 --> 00:39:37.419
- Ask her...
- Shh!

503
00:39:37.544 --> 00:39:41.757
Ask her if she likes anybody from class,
like, more than a friend.

504
00:39:42.716 --> 00:39:47.262
Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like
anybody in class more than a friend?

505
00:39:52.017 --> 00:39:54.061
(whispers ) No.

506
00:39:55.062 --> 00:39:58.273
Ask her if she would ever
go out with somebody from class.

507
00:39:58.398 --> 00:40:00.359
- No!
- Just do it!

508
00:40:02.152 --> 00:40:06.490
Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever
go out with anybody from class?

509
00:40:07.407 --> 00:40:09.243
Uh-huh.

510
00:40:09.993 --> 00:40:12.162
Uh-huh.

511
00:40:12.287 --> 00:40:15.624
You see, Ernie, grown-ups like
to go out with other grown-ups.

512
00:40:15.749 --> 00:40:19.044
- What about Billy?
- You're more of a grown-up than Billy.

513
00:40:19.169 --> 00:40:21.713
- I'll give you a grown-up.
- What was that, Ernie?

514
00:40:21.839 --> 00:40:26.093
(high-pitched) Nothing.
See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.

515
00:40:26.218 --> 00:40:28.262
You blew it!

516
00:40:33.892 --> 00:40:38.564
Hey, I dare you to throw
your sandwich at the bus driver.

517
00:40:39.022 --> 00:40:42.025
(children ) Do it. Come on.

518
00:40:44.361 --> 00:40:45.904
Hey!

519
00:40:46.029 --> 00:40:48.490
Hey, who threw that?

520
00:40:50.534 --> 00:40:52.995
I'll turn this damn bus around.

521
00:40:53.120 --> 00:40:57.916
That'll end your precious little
field trip pretty damn quick, huh?

522
00:40:59.168 --> 00:41:01.211
Bullshit.

523
00:41:08.051 --> 00:41:12.181
Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with
the teacher today. Don't screw it up!

524
00:41:12.306 --> 00:41:15.434
I dare you to touch her boobs.

525
00:41:15.559 --> 00:41:18.645
Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother.

526
00:41:22.900 --> 00:41:25.027
Ya double-dare me?

527
00:41:31.742 --> 00:41:34.495
Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?

528
00:41:34.620 --> 00:41:38.373
- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Probably about two minutes.

529
00:41:39.124 --> 00:41:42.669
Sorry about that.
Damn guy drives like an animal.

530
00:41:43.670 --> 00:41:47.049
That's all right, Billy.
Why don't you go back and sit down now?

531
00:41:47.174 --> 00:41:49.384
- OK.
- I double-dare you.

532
00:41:49.510 --> 00:41:52.095
Da... I... Accident...

533
00:41:52.221 --> 00:41:54.348
Mistake... Tit...

534
00:41:54.473 --> 00:41:56.934
- Go sit down now.
- Yes.

535
00:41:57.059 --> 00:41:59.102
(children giggle )

536
00:42:04.066 --> 00:42:07.778
Yeah, here we go again.
Another treat from the road.

537
00:42:07.903 --> 00:42:11.698
Grand, ripe banana.
Trick of the day. Great...

538
00:42:15.994 --> 00:42:19.540
(woman ) What is a horseshoe?
What does a horseshoe do?

539
00:42:19.665 --> 00:42:21.875
Are there any horse socks?

540
00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:24.044
Is anybody listening to me?

541
00:42:24.169 --> 00:42:27.047
Anyways, I am sorry about
what happened back there,...

542
00:42:27.172 --> 00:42:30.467
..but you have to admit,
I've been tryin' to be good lately.

543
00:42:30.592 --> 00:42:33.929
Well, you're not the first person
that's tried to grab my chest.

544
00:42:34.054 --> 00:42:37.766
I'm trying not to hold you to a higher
standard than the rest of the students.

545
00:42:37.891 --> 00:42:40.644
Although maybe I should.
You are, what, 50?

546
00:42:40.769 --> 00:42:45.774
No, but the other kids look up to me.
I don't want them to think I'm a coward.

547
00:42:45.899 --> 00:42:50.737
Don't worry about it. Next week you're
gonna have another teacher to annoy.

548
00:42:50.863 --> 00:42:55.534
I don't want to annoy another teacher,
Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you.

549
00:42:55.659 --> 00:42:59.621
- Miss Vaughn!
- Somebody stole all our lunches.

550
00:43:00.664 --> 00:43:02.708
Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?

551
00:43:10.507 --> 00:43:13.051
I'll tell you who took those lunches.

552
00:43:13.177 --> 00:43:15.429
That damn sasquatch.

553
00:43:16.597 --> 00:43:20.726
Well, I guess that's it.
OK, everybody! Back on the bus!

554
00:43:20.851 --> 00:43:24.771
- Hey, what's with Ernie?
- I don't know. I'll be right back.

555
00:43:27.274 --> 00:43:29.318
Hey, Ernie, what's up?

556
00:43:30.402 --> 00:43:32.446
Nothing.

557
00:43:33.363 --> 00:43:37.075
You fallen in love
with the wall or somethin'?

558
00:43:37.201 --> 00:43:40.287
- I had an accident.
- An accident. What does that mean?

559
00:43:40.412 --> 00:43:41.705
Ooh!

560
00:43:42.498 --> 00:43:44.333
Oh, I know. OK. Uh...

561
00:43:47.920 --> 00:43:51.590
Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight.
I'll be right back.

562
00:43:59.264 --> 00:44:02.267
Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants!

563
00:44:02.392 --> 00:44:07.231
Of course I peed my pants. Everybody
my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

564
00:44:07.356 --> 00:44:09.149
- Really?
- Yes!

565
00:44:09.274 --> 00:44:13.111
You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.

566
00:44:13.237 --> 00:44:16.657
- Wow.
- Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too.

567
00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:19.785
All right!

568
00:44:23.330 --> 00:44:28.252
If peeing your pants is cool,
consider me Miles Davis.

569
00:44:28.377 --> 00:44:29.628
Oh!

570
00:44:29.795 --> 00:44:34.508
That was the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life! Let's go!

571
00:44:34.633 --> 00:44:36.927
Get on the bus here.

572
00:44:37.052 --> 00:44:39.179
Move it. Get up there, Kyle.

573
00:44:39.304 --> 00:44:41.431
One, two, five, seven.

574
00:44:41.557 --> 00:44:45.143
Move it or lose it. Get on the b...

575
00:44:45.269 --> 00:44:47.729
Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.

576
00:44:55.529 --> 00:45:00.909
That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass.

577
00:45:02.035 --> 00:45:06.373
I know from experience, dude,
if you know what I mean.

578
00:45:06.498 --> 00:45:08.458
No, you don't.

579
00:45:08.584 --> 00:45:13.297
Well, not me personally, but a guy I know.
Him and her got it on.

580
00:45:13.422 --> 00:45:15.465
Whoo-ee!

581
00:45:16.091 --> 00:45:18.343
No, they didn't.

582
00:45:18.468 --> 00:45:20.929
No, no, no, they didn't.

583
00:45:21.054 --> 00:45:24.975
But you can imagine
what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh?

584
00:45:31.857 --> 00:45:35.360
Everybody on?
Good, great, grand, wonderful!

585
00:45:36.528 --> 00:45:39.448
No yelling on the bus!

586
00:45:39.573 --> 00:45:43.410
~ Billy passed the third grade

587
00:45:43.535 --> 00:45:47.539
~ Oh, what a glorious day

588
00:45:47.664 --> 00:45:51.335
~ Oh, passin' third grade

589
00:45:51.502 --> 00:45:55.422
~ The Billy Madison way

590
00:45:55.589 --> 00:45:57.341
Yeah!

591
00:45:57.466 --> 00:45:59.676
Rock on! Yes!

592
00:46:10.562 --> 00:46:12.481
(boy ) Stop it.

593
00:46:13.106 --> 00:46:18.153
Who are you? I don't even know you.
Go away, mister. Stop it.

594
00:46:18.278 --> 00:46:20.322
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.

595
00:46:24.409 --> 00:46:27.704
- Look! She came!
- And she came too.

596
00:46:45.097 --> 00:46:47.558
The mucus queen is yours.

597
00:46:49.184 --> 00:46:50.185
Thanks.

598
00:46:50.310 --> 00:46:52.354
Hi!

599
00:46:53.564 --> 00:46:56.859
Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you.

600
00:47:01.238 --> 00:47:02.781
Oh, my God!

601
00:47:03.866 --> 00:47:06.326
Snack Pack! You're the coolest!

602
00:47:06.493 --> 00:47:10.330
- Those should last you the weekend.
- Thank you very much.

603
00:47:10.497 --> 00:47:13.458
- Billy is on the right track.
- He's on track all right.

604
00:47:13.584 --> 00:47:16.253
He's headed right down the toilet.

605
00:47:17.963 --> 00:47:20.007
Easy.

606
00:47:21.383 --> 00:47:23.594
You still don't think he's gonna make it?

607
00:47:23.760 --> 00:47:28.056
Trust me, Carl, baby.
I know he's not gonna make it.

608
00:47:28.182 --> 00:47:30.642
Would you excuse me for a second?

609
00:47:33.145 --> 00:47:36.148
Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?

610
00:47:36.273 --> 00:47:38.317
Who?

611
00:47:56.126 --> 00:48:00.047
You know, that was really sweet,
the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.

612
00:48:00.172 --> 00:48:03.300
He would have done the same for me.

613
00:48:03.425 --> 00:48:06.386
So what's it like being back in school?

614
00:48:06.512 --> 00:48:09.056
I don't know. I kinda feel
like an idiot sometimes.

615
00:48:09.223 --> 00:48:12.309
Although I am an idiot,
so it kinda works out.

616
00:48:13.352 --> 00:48:16.772
Is it just you and your dad in here?

617
00:48:16.897 --> 00:48:21.693
Well, actually, no. There's Juanita,
and some maids and butlers and stuff.

618
00:48:21.819 --> 00:48:24.947
And people who work for my dad
are always stoppin' by.

619
00:48:25.072 --> 00:48:29.493
And my friends are always sleepin' over,
even when I didn't ask 'em to.

620
00:48:29.618 --> 00:48:32.704
- Sounds like a hotel.
- It kinda is. It can be distracting.

621
00:48:32.871 --> 00:48:35.332
That's why I moved out here.

622
00:48:47.177 --> 00:48:49.137
Wow.

623
00:48:49.263 --> 00:48:52.266
This is where I've been spending
most of my time lately.

624
00:48:52.432 --> 00:48:54.893
Not exactly roughing it, are you?

625
00:49:00.274 --> 00:49:03.777
Those are, uh...
They come with the tent, so...

626
00:49:09.324 --> 00:49:13.495
Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities.
I don't think we're up to that one yet.

627
00:49:13.620 --> 00:49:17.124
I can understand nine words
in that book now.

628
00:49:20.335 --> 00:49:24.256
So, it's, um... the last day of third grade.

629
00:49:25.299 --> 00:49:29.219
And you have the teacher,
alone, in your tent.

630
00:49:30.137 --> 00:49:32.598
What do you wanna do?

631
00:49:33.432 --> 00:49:37.811
Well, I can think of three things
I'd like to do.

632
00:49:37.936 --> 00:49:42.232
One would involve some ice cubes
and a nine-iron.

633
00:49:43.650 --> 00:49:46.820
- Two would include a buffalo.
- Really?

634
00:49:46.987 --> 00:49:52.326
Live or stuffed.
Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake.

635
00:49:52.451 --> 00:49:55.454
Three: we'd bring back
some of those ice cubes,...

636
00:49:55.621 --> 00:49:58.707
..but switch it over to a pitching wedge.

637
00:49:59.500 --> 00:50:01.960
How you guys doin'?

638
00:50:03.420 --> 00:50:07.090
Hey! Carl! Good to see you!

639
00:50:09.927 --> 00:50:12.471
This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl.

640
00:50:12.638 --> 00:50:16.391
Very pleased to meet you.
Bill, I think Eric is up to something.

641
00:50:16.558 --> 00:50:19.311
- Who's Eric?
- He works for my dad too.

642
00:50:19.436 --> 00:50:22.356
He gets the company if I screw up.
He's a douchebag.

643
00:50:22.523 --> 00:50:26.985
He made some menacing comments to me,
and then he did that little weasel laugh.

644
00:50:27.152 --> 00:50:31.281
- Yeah. How does that laugh go again?
- You know. (laughs )

645
00:50:32.032 --> 00:50:34.868
- Very good. It sounded just like him.
- Thanks.

646
00:50:34.993 --> 00:50:37.996
Well, I'm sure he's got
something up his sleeve.

647
00:50:38.121 --> 00:50:39.748
- Thanks, buddy.
- No problem.

648
00:50:40.499 --> 00:50:42.376
(~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5)

649
00:50:44.628 --> 00:50:46.755
~ You went to school to learn, girl

650
00:50:46.880 --> 00:50:49.800
~ Things you never, never knew before...

651
00:50:50.884 --> 00:50:54.847
(teacher ) The most densely populated part
of the US is along the eastern seaboard.

652
00:50:55.013 --> 00:50:59.142
We're gonna talk about why that is
over the next few minutes.

653
00:50:59.309 --> 00:51:03.522
We all know what a census is, don't we?
That's like taking a census...

654
00:51:07.276 --> 00:51:09.987
You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme...

655
00:51:10.112 --> 00:51:12.072
You want some of this?

656
00:51:12.239 --> 00:51:14.700
Oh, my dear Lord!

657
00:51:14.825 --> 00:51:18.412
You never leave me open, son,
cos I'm gonna hit it every time.

658
00:51:18.537 --> 00:51:21.290
You want some more of that?
I didn't think so!

659
00:51:22.332 --> 00:51:26.461
~ Reading, writing, arithmetic
are the branches of the learning tree

660
00:51:26.628 --> 00:51:29.882
~ But without the roots
of love every day, girl

661
00:51:30.007 --> 00:51:32.384
~ Your education ain't complete

662
00:51:32.509 --> 00:51:34.887
~ Teacher's gonna show you

663
00:51:35.053 --> 00:51:37.014
~ How to get an A

664
00:51:37.139 --> 00:51:40.142
~ How to spell 'me', 'you'
and add the two

665
00:51:40.309 --> 00:51:42.603
~ Listen to me, baby,
that's all you gotta do

666
00:51:42.769 --> 00:51:44.229
~ ABC

667
00:51:44.396 --> 00:51:46.773
~ It's easy as 1-2-3

668
00:51:47.024 --> 00:51:50.444
~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC...

669
00:52:19.640 --> 00:52:22.392
(belches the alphabet )

670
00:52:26.605 --> 00:52:28.982
All right, stop before I throw up.

671
00:52:29.149 --> 00:52:32.486
Hey, Billy, you wanna go
play soccer with us after school?

672
00:52:32.611 --> 00:52:35.864
No, I got a test on Friday.
I'll play with you guys next week.

673
00:52:35.989 --> 00:52:39.076
- Next week you'll be in ninth grade.
- Yeah, high school.

674
00:52:39.201 --> 00:52:40.327
Oh, yeah.

675
00:52:40.494 --> 00:52:45.207
You aren't gonna wanna hang round with
a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids.

676
00:52:45.457 --> 00:52:48.961
That's not true. I'll come
and visit you guys all the time.

677
00:52:49.211 --> 00:52:51.255
Yeah, to see your girlfriend.

678
00:52:51.421 --> 00:52:53.298
(boys ) Whooo!

679
00:52:54.758 --> 00:52:56.552
(cackling )

680
00:52:56.718 --> 00:53:00.389
Have some more Sloppy Joes.

681
00:53:01.765 --> 00:53:05.018
I made 'em extra sloppy for yous.

682
00:53:07.813 --> 00:53:11.483
I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

683
00:53:12.609 --> 00:53:15.028
Lady, you're scarin' us.

684
00:53:41.346 --> 00:53:46.059
- Do you know where the bathroom is?
- Second door on the left.

685
00:53:49.688 --> 00:53:53.400
Hey, tubby, how about
a little bathroom reading?

686
00:53:53.567 --> 00:53:57.196
I have the August 1983 issue
of Wrestling World here.

687
00:53:58.447 --> 00:54:02.659
There's a terrific article about
a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.

688
00:54:04.411 --> 00:54:08.540
Gee, you know somethin'?
He kinda looks like someone I know.

689
00:54:09.750 --> 00:54:12.669
- Where'd you get that?
- I have a subscription.

690
00:54:12.836 --> 00:54:18.425
Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of
the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.

691
00:54:20.052 --> 00:54:22.971
Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

692
00:54:23.096 --> 00:54:26.767
What do I care about some
stupid phoney wrestling guy?

693
00:54:26.934 --> 00:54:28.894
My God.

694
00:54:29.019 --> 00:54:33.816
In June 1983 he sat on
some guy's head and killed him.

695
00:54:33.982 --> 00:54:36.109
It was just a stunt!

696
00:54:36.276 --> 00:54:39.655
He was supposed to pinch my leg
if he was running short of air.

697
00:54:39.822 --> 00:54:44.451
With this guy sitting on everyone's head,
I wonder how he got his teaching degree?

698
00:54:44.618 --> 00:54:46.328
No!

699
00:54:46.453 --> 00:54:50.499
No, you can't do that to me.
Those kids are my whole life!

700
00:54:50.666 --> 00:54:55.504
So you wouldn't want anything to happen
that would make 'em think less of you?

701
00:54:55.671 --> 00:54:57.297
Max?

702
00:54:58.257 --> 00:55:00.092
Max?

703
00:55:00.259 --> 00:55:02.427
You ready to cooperate with me?

704
00:55:02.594 --> 00:55:04.471
Yes.

705
00:55:04.638 --> 00:55:07.307
Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

706
00:55:19.695 --> 00:55:21.697
(rock music from car )

707
00:55:43.719 --> 00:55:46.138
(laughter )

708
00:55:47.931 --> 00:55:50.100
- (student ) Nice shirt.
- Yeah. Yep.

709
00:55:50.267 --> 00:55:52.269
(bell rings )

710
00:55:57.858 --> 00:56:03.489
Now the cell's happy. But other molecules
are saying ''We'd like some energy too.''

711
00:56:03.655 --> 00:56:09.620
And it uses its own pigment molecule,
chlorophyll, to carry out the action.

712
00:56:09.786 --> 00:56:13.081
This does not make the ribosomes happy.

713
00:56:14.374 --> 00:56:17.252
And poor chlorophyll is caught
in the middle of this.

714
00:56:17.419 --> 00:56:21.006
Chlorophyll? More like ''bore-ophyll''!

715
00:56:22.466 --> 00:56:24.468
Right?

716
00:56:27.095 --> 00:56:31.517
- Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh?
- Don't talk to me.

717
00:56:31.683 --> 00:56:34.353
- And why is that?
- Because you're a loser.

718
00:56:34.520 --> 00:56:38.649
(teacher ) ..from these ribosomes.
And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast...

719
00:56:38.774 --> 00:56:41.068
No, I will not make out with you!

720
00:56:42.110 --> 00:56:45.781
Did you hear that? This girl wants to
make out with me in the middle of class!

721
00:56:45.948 --> 00:56:49.034
You got ''chlorophyll man'' up there
talkin' about God knows what.

722
00:56:49.201 --> 00:56:54.248
All she's talking about is makin' out with
me. I'm here to learn, not to make out.

723
00:56:54.414 --> 00:56:56.625
Go on with the chlorophyll.

724
00:57:01.129 --> 00:57:03.131
O'Doyle rules.

725
00:57:03.882 --> 00:57:06.718
Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you.

726
00:57:07.761 --> 00:57:09.763
(giggling )

727
00:57:11.265 --> 00:57:14.142
- Wait till they start with the wedgies.
- Yeah.

728
00:57:14.309 --> 00:57:18.522
You oughta start cutting your underwear
before you get to school. So it rips easier.

729
00:57:18.647 --> 00:57:20.691
I see. Who are you guys?

730
00:57:20.858 --> 00:57:23.777
The guys everybody used to pick on
before you started here.

731
00:57:23.944 --> 00:57:28.782
No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin'
me a hard time cos I'm the new guy.

732
00:57:28.949 --> 00:57:30.868
A little first-day hazing.

733
00:57:31.034 --> 00:57:35.664
- Are you in loser denial or something?
- I had a bad case of loser denial myself.

734
00:57:35.831 --> 00:57:38.792
Till the lacrosse team stuck
a parking cone up my ass.

735
00:57:39.293 --> 00:57:43.338
Loser? I ain't no loser.
I was the king of this high school.

736
00:57:43.463 --> 00:57:46.758
A hundred friends, a million parties...

737
00:57:46.925 --> 00:57:49.219
You guys are losers, not me.

738
00:57:51.388 --> 00:57:54.266
And that is what a prime number is.

739
00:57:54.433 --> 00:57:56.602
(children ) Billy!

740
00:57:56.768 --> 00:58:00.063
I figured I got fourth period off,
I'd shoot down and say hi.

741
00:58:00.189 --> 00:58:03.066
- How's high school, Billy?
- Yeah, how's high school?

742
00:58:03.192 --> 00:58:07.196
High school is great.
I mean, I'm learning a lot.

743
00:58:07.321 --> 00:58:11.867
And all the kids are treating me
very nice. It's great.

744
00:58:12.034 --> 00:58:15.037
Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.

745
00:58:16.497 --> 00:58:18.749
Don't you say that.

746
00:58:18.874 --> 00:58:21.627
Don't you ever say that.

747
00:58:21.752 --> 00:58:23.879
Stay here.

748
00:58:24.004 --> 00:58:26.965
Stay as long as you can.

749
00:58:27.090 --> 00:58:30.469
For the love of God, cherish it.

750
00:58:30.594 --> 00:58:33.096
(Veronica ) Jennifer,
why don't you read out loud?

751
00:58:33.222 --> 00:58:35.974
You gotta cherish it.

752
00:58:36.099 --> 00:58:38.185
You do.

753
00:58:38.310 --> 00:58:39.937
Hm.

754
00:58:44.066 --> 00:58:45.984
I don't understand it.

755
00:58:46.109 --> 00:58:50.364
I mean, ten years ago high school
was the greatest. I had so much fun.

756
00:58:50.489 --> 00:58:53.492
I guess a little too much fun,
since you've gotta do it again.

757
00:58:53.617 --> 00:58:59.331
I know. It's just that classes are so hard,
and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.

758
00:59:00.123 --> 00:59:02.417
Well, you are a goof.

759
00:59:02.543 --> 00:59:06.004
Suck it up. Eight more weeks
and you're all set.

760
00:59:06.129 --> 00:59:08.799
Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.

761
00:59:11.844 --> 00:59:13.887
- I gotta go, OK?
- OK.

762
00:59:14.805 --> 00:59:16.431
Billy, wait.

763
00:59:17.182 --> 00:59:20.269
It doesn't feel so great
to be called a loser, does it?

764
00:59:20.602 --> 00:59:21.478
No.

765
00:59:21.603 --> 00:59:24.148
Maybe the first time
you went to high school,...

766
00:59:24.273 --> 00:59:28.902
..you weren't as nice to the kids
that you thought were losers.

767
00:59:29.027 --> 00:59:32.322
I know what you're sayin'.
You're so smart.

768
00:59:42.332 --> 00:59:44.376
(phone rings )

769
00:59:47.254 --> 00:59:48.255
Hello?

770
00:59:48.463 --> 00:59:51.633
- Hi. Is this Danny McGrath?
- Yeah.

771
00:59:51.758 --> 00:59:55.262
The Danny McGrath that graduated
from Knibb High School in 1984?

772
00:59:55.971 --> 01:00:00.267
- Uh, yeah. Who's this?
- This is Billy Madison.

773
01:00:00.392 --> 01:00:04.605
You probably don't remember me,
but I went to high school with you.

774
01:00:04.730 --> 01:00:07.232
I kinda gave you a hard time back then,...

775
01:00:07.357 --> 01:00:11.069
..and I did some things that
I thought were funny at the time,...

776
01:00:11.195 --> 01:00:14.573
..but now I realise they
were just mean and stupid.

777
01:00:14.698 --> 01:00:18.327
And I just wanted to apologise,
and I hope you forgive me.

778
01:00:19.119 --> 01:00:21.288
Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.

779
01:00:21.872 --> 01:00:24.583
Wow! That's great!

780
01:00:24.708 --> 01:00:27.794
Well, I am sorry, and maybe
we can get together some time...

781
01:00:27.920 --> 01:00:29.963
..and have coffee or somethin'.

782
01:00:30.547 --> 01:00:33.884
- Sure, I'd like that.
- OK. Well, I'll see you around.

783
01:00:34.009 --> 01:00:36.053
OK. Bye.

784
01:00:36.178 --> 01:00:40.098
(~ 'Telephone Line'
by Electric Light Orchestra )

785
01:01:12.506 --> 01:01:14.508
Speak for yourself, moron.

786
01:01:16.093 --> 01:01:18.595
Oh, my God! That is funny!

787
01:01:18.720 --> 01:01:23.767
Next.: the shocking story of power
and corruption involving a hotel tycoon.

788
01:01:23.892 --> 01:01:28.897
How his 27-year-old millionaire son
cheated his way through school.

789
01:01:29.022 --> 01:01:32.734
- What the hell...?
- Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else.

790
01:01:34.778 --> 01:01:36.822
My name is Max Anderson,...

791
01:01:36.947 --> 01:01:42.536
..and I am the principal
at the Polly Fector Elementary School.

792
01:01:42.661 --> 01:01:46.623
Recently a young man named
Billy Madison was enrolled there.

793
01:01:46.748 --> 01:01:50.335
During that time
Mr Madison was disruptive.

794
01:01:50.460 --> 01:01:55.382
The only reason he passed was that
he offered me a bribe of $5,000,...

795
01:01:55.507 --> 01:01:58.051
.. which I regrettably accepted.

796
01:01:59.094 --> 01:02:00.554
I'm sorry, Billy.

797
01:02:00.679 --> 01:02:05.309
(reporter ) That was Principal Anderson
of Polly Fector Elementary School.

798
01:02:05.434 --> 01:02:07.728
Dad! He's lyin'!

799
01:02:08.896 --> 01:02:12.524
You made a fool out of me.
This was a mistake from the beginning.

800
01:02:12.649 --> 01:02:15.944
Brian, I got some interim
forecasts for you to...

801
01:02:17.279 --> 01:02:20.365
- Why is everybody so glum?
- You seriously don't believe me?

802
01:02:20.491 --> 01:02:24.328
That's right. I seriously don't believe you.

803
01:02:24.453 --> 01:02:27.331
The deal's off. Eric's got the company.

804
01:02:29.500 --> 01:02:32.169
Wow. Good news for me.

805
01:02:38.425 --> 01:02:41.512
I can't believe this is happening right now.

806
01:02:44.097 --> 01:02:46.683
Are you gonna come to class on Monday?

807
01:02:46.809 --> 01:02:49.603
Wouldn't make much sense now, would it?

808
01:02:50.896 --> 01:02:53.565
Stupid idea in the first place.

809
01:02:54.566 --> 01:02:57.027
(~ 'Renegade' by Styx )

810
01:02:57.319 --> 01:02:59.488
~ They finally found me

811
01:02:59.613 --> 01:03:01.573
~ The renegade who had it made

812
01:03:01.698 --> 01:03:04.451
~ Retrieved for a bounty

813
01:03:04.576 --> 01:03:06.745
~ Never more to go astray

814
01:03:06.870 --> 01:03:10.833
~ This'll be the end today
of the wanted man

815
01:03:13.377 --> 01:03:15.462
Better get up outta this bed!

816
01:03:15.587 --> 01:03:20.843
~ I've been years on the lam
And had a high price on my head

817
01:03:22.970 --> 01:03:26.181
~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'...

818
01:03:26.306 --> 01:03:28.350
(Billy howling )

819
01:03:34.064 --> 01:03:36.108
Yoo-hoo!

820
01:03:37.276 --> 01:03:38.819
Hello!

821
01:03:38.944 --> 01:03:40.988
Billy's here!

822
01:03:42.489 --> 01:03:44.491
Hey, baby!

823
01:03:45.033 --> 01:03:47.202
You lookin' hot tonight!

824
01:03:47.327 --> 01:03:51.290
- Billy, what has happened to you?
- We're gonna go on a date.

825
01:03:51.415 --> 01:03:54.710
You, me, Jack and Frank...

826
01:03:54.835 --> 01:03:59.423
..are gonna go around puttin' shit
on people's doorsteps...

827
01:03:59.548 --> 01:04:02.259
..and we're gonna set it on fire.

828
01:04:02.968 --> 01:04:07.973
Billy, why are you acting like this?
I know that you didn't pay off Max.

829
01:04:08.098 --> 01:04:10.809
Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,...

830
01:04:10.934 --> 01:04:16.565
..but it takes more than two to tango.
Or somethin' like that.

831
01:04:17.149 --> 01:04:19.651
- So let's go.
- No, let's stay.

832
01:04:19.776 --> 01:04:22.863
And the three of you can light dog shit
on my living-room floor.

833
01:04:22.988 --> 01:04:27.367
- Come on, Billy, you know that...
- Talky, talky, talky.

834
01:04:27.493 --> 01:04:29.620
No more talky.

835
01:04:29.745 --> 01:04:32.206
You got a lighter in here?

836
01:04:35.209 --> 01:04:37.294
Oh.

837
01:04:37.419 --> 01:04:40.214
I see what's goin' on in here.

838
01:04:43.550 --> 01:04:47.137
So sorry to interrupt!

839
01:04:52.267 --> 01:04:54.311
Proceed.

840
01:04:55.604 --> 01:04:58.065
Billy, you're losing your mind.

841
01:05:01.693 --> 01:05:03.904
All right, boys' night out!

842
01:05:04.071 --> 01:05:05.572
Let's go!

843
01:05:11.578 --> 01:05:13.622
(snoring )

844
01:05:30.347 --> 01:05:32.891
Ow!

845
01:05:33.433 --> 01:05:35.894
I need to talk to you.

846
01:05:46.363 --> 01:05:48.407
Jeez!

847
01:05:49.283 --> 01:05:51.743
What's goin' on, man?

848
01:05:54.079 --> 01:05:59.585
I think Billy and his girlfriend
are playin' water polo or somethin'.

849
01:06:01.295 --> 01:06:04.089
Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo.

850
01:06:04.882 --> 01:06:06.800
Marco.

851
01:06:08.135 --> 01:06:10.554
- Jeez, that was a great game.
- Yeah.

852
01:06:15.934 --> 01:06:19.354
I got an idea for you.
Instead of being an idiot every day,...

853
01:06:19.480 --> 01:06:22.816
..why don't you go back to school,
graduate and get the company?

854
01:06:22.941 --> 01:06:25.152
Cos I don't want it any more.

855
01:06:25.903 --> 01:06:30.199
- What do you mean, you don't want it?
- I got somethin' comin' outta my nose?

856
01:06:30.324 --> 01:06:33.368
I can't believe I liked someone
who could roll over and die.

857
01:06:33.494 --> 01:06:38.373
I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up.
And, worst of all, nobody believes me.

858
01:06:38.499 --> 01:06:42.044
I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.

859
01:06:42.169 --> 01:06:45.881
You know, some people have no willpower,
no brains, no vision.

860
01:06:46.006 --> 01:06:48.675
They just drift through life
like lumps of crap.

861
01:06:48.800 --> 01:06:51.178
What is she talkin' about?

862
01:06:51.303 --> 01:06:55.265
And you have all those things.
You're just afraid to use 'em.

863
01:06:55.390 --> 01:07:00.312
Don't be. You say you're not a loser,
Billy Madison. So win.

864
01:07:16.370 --> 01:07:19.206
~ Yes, I will go back to school

865
01:07:19.331 --> 01:07:22.459
~ And achieve victory

866
01:07:22.584 --> 01:07:25.587
~ No man will take
what my father has built

867
01:07:25.712 --> 01:07:30.217
~ Unless that man is me

868
01:07:30.342 --> 01:07:33.554
~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy

869
01:07:33.679 --> 01:07:36.140
~ I knew you would go back

870
01:07:36.807 --> 01:07:39.935
~ No one can stop you if you try

871
01:07:40.060 --> 01:07:42.271
~ Don't I have a nice rack?

872
01:07:46.191 --> 01:07:49.069
~ Veronica, I thank you

873
01:07:49.194 --> 01:07:52.573
~ For beating the shit out of me

874
01:07:52.698 --> 01:07:55.576
~ I see things so clearly now

875
01:07:55.701 --> 01:07:57.911
~ I choose my destiny

876
01:07:58.036 --> 01:08:00.747
Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya.

877
01:08:01.832 --> 01:08:04.710
~ We're here to help you, Billy

878
01:08:04.835 --> 01:08:07.880
~ Get back in school to stay

879
01:08:08.005 --> 01:08:11.425
~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out

880
01:08:11.550 --> 01:08:14.595
~ Till graduation day

881
01:08:14.720 --> 01:08:17.264
~ Hey, kids, it's me

882
01:08:17.389 --> 01:08:20.851
~ I bet you thought that I was dead

883
01:08:20.976 --> 01:08:23.729
~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg

884
01:08:23.854 --> 01:08:26.523
~ And got a haemorrhage in my head

885
01:08:28.775 --> 01:08:31.570
~ There are obstacles in the way

886
01:08:31.695 --> 01:08:34.990
- ~ But together we shall overcome
- ~ Overcome

887
01:08:35.115 --> 01:08:39.828
~ Cos you can't break our spirit
and you can't kill our dream

888
01:08:39.953 --> 01:08:44.666
~ Do you have any more gum,
more gum, more gum, more gum?

889
01:08:44.791 --> 01:08:47.044
~ Do you have any more gum?

890
01:08:55.719 --> 01:08:58.180
Oh. Hello, kids.

891
01:08:58.305 --> 01:09:00.516
Mr Anderson, is that you?

892
01:09:00.766 --> 01:09:01.642
Oh.

893
01:09:01.767 --> 01:09:04.269
Yes, actually, it is.

894
01:09:04.394 --> 01:09:07.189
This is just... Well, this is...

895
01:09:08.398 --> 01:09:12.986
Normally I don't allow children to be
in my home without parental supervision.

896
01:09:13.111 --> 01:09:16.615
So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy.

897
01:09:16.740 --> 01:09:21.787
It sure is great to have all you kids come
surprise me like this at my home, but I...

898
01:09:21.912 --> 01:09:25.582
Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff
that you said didn't happen.

899
01:09:25.707 --> 01:09:28.126
Is he lying or are you lying?

900
01:09:28.252 --> 01:09:33.674
Oh, well, listen, kids.
It's not always as simple as all that.

901
01:09:36.093 --> 01:09:40.305
The statement I made about Billy Madison
was and is completely untrue.

902
01:09:40.430 --> 01:09:41.265
No.

903
01:09:41.390 --> 01:09:43.851
I know now that I shall
never escape my fate...

904
01:09:43.976 --> 01:09:48.480
- ..as the Revolting Blob.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

905
01:09:49.481 --> 01:09:52.901
(Anderson ) It's something
I must learn to live with.

906
01:09:53.026 --> 01:09:54.611
Joyce?

907
01:09:55.404 --> 01:09:58.115
What a mess.

908
01:09:58.240 --> 01:10:02.619
First this psycho goes on TV,
lies, then retracts it.

909
01:10:02.744 --> 01:10:05.956
And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.

910
01:10:06.081 --> 01:10:11.170
Carl, has anybody been able to find out
anything about this Max guy?

911
01:10:11.295 --> 01:10:15.340
No, sir. He's vanished.
Nobody has any idea where he is.

912
01:10:15.465 --> 01:10:18.510
- I believed in Billy all along, sir.
- Cut the horseshit!

913
01:10:18.635 --> 01:10:21.263
- I know you blackmailed Max.
- Take it easy, Billy.

914
01:10:21.388 --> 01:10:26.768
Things were going along great until
this wrestling freak messed things up.

915
01:10:28.061 --> 01:10:30.397
Billy should get
another shot at high school.

916
01:10:30.522 --> 01:10:35.903
Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to
finish each grade within the two weeks...

917
01:10:36.028 --> 01:10:38.822
..or I get the company.
He didn't finish ninth grade.

918
01:10:38.947 --> 01:10:41.950
Eric, certainly there are
extenuating circumstances.

919
01:10:42.075 --> 01:10:46.246
Extenuating, exschmenuating.
We had a deal. A signed, written deal.

920
01:10:46.371 --> 01:10:48.790
Each grade, two weeks,
or I get the company.

921
01:10:48.916 --> 01:10:51.710
Well, technically you're right, but...

922
01:10:51.835 --> 01:10:55.172
Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had
to listen to your jawing for too long.

923
01:10:55.297 --> 01:10:57.466
''Well, technically...''

924
01:10:57.591 --> 01:11:02.346
Just shut up! Are you ready
to hand the company over to me now?

925
01:11:02.471 --> 01:11:05.849
- No.
- Then I'll see your ass in court.

926
01:11:06.725 --> 01:11:08.477
Good.

927
01:11:08.602 --> 01:11:11.146
Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

928
01:11:11.772 --> 01:11:14.900
Hey, Eric, how would you like
to settle this now, no lawyers?

929
01:11:15.025 --> 01:11:17.277
You and me, mano y mano.

930
01:11:17.402 --> 01:11:20.280
- What does that mean?
- What does that mean?

931
01:11:20.405 --> 01:11:23.325
- Carl, what does that mean?
- Uh... I don't know.

932
01:11:28.163 --> 01:11:30.207
It means an academic decathlon.

933
01:11:30.332 --> 01:11:34.253
One day, ten events, testing all the
knowledge one would gain in high school.

934
01:11:34.378 --> 01:11:36.839
Me versus you.

935
01:11:36.964 --> 01:11:41.051
- You're joking, right?
- Let's take it a little easy here, Billy.

936
01:11:41.176 --> 01:11:45.139
No, I'm serious. Let's do it.
Let's do it on Friday.

937
01:11:45.264 --> 01:11:48.517
- Let's do it.
- Is that all right with you, Daddy?

938
01:11:48.642 --> 01:11:50.894
Well, if you think you can beat him.

939
01:11:51.019 --> 01:11:54.815
Oh, I can. And I will.

940
01:11:55.524 --> 01:11:58.610
- It's a deal.
- (whispers ) I know it was you.

941
01:12:01.071 --> 01:12:03.532
You broke my heart.

942
01:12:06.285 --> 01:12:08.620
Here are the trigonometry hand-outs.

943
01:12:08.745 --> 01:12:11.331
Last year's physics notes.
Best I could do.

944
01:12:11.456 --> 01:12:14.793
Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.

945
01:12:19.214 --> 01:12:20.757
O'Doyle rules.

946
01:12:20.883 --> 01:12:24.761
O'Doyle, I got a feeling
your whole family's goin' down.

947
01:12:25.220 --> 01:12:27.139
But for now I gotta study.

948
01:12:29.016 --> 01:12:32.728
(Veronica ) Norman invasion of England.

949
01:12:32.853 --> 01:12:35.063
1066.

950
01:12:36.648 --> 01:12:38.692
That is correct.

951
01:12:41.403 --> 01:12:43.572
The Magna Carta.

952
01:12:46.074 --> 01:12:49.411
1215?

953
01:12:51.288 --> 01:12:53.332
Yes.

954
01:12:55.459 --> 01:12:58.462
Spanish Armada.

955
01:13:01.089 --> 01:13:05.844
1466?

956
01:13:06.512 --> 01:13:09.223
'67? 1469?

957
01:13:09.765 --> 01:13:11.558
1514?

958
01:13:11.683 --> 01:13:14.937
1981? 1986?

959
01:13:15.437 --> 01:13:20.442
Please do not do that. Come on, I swear...
Just hang in there one second.

960
01:13:20.567 --> 01:13:23.362
Please, God, give me the answer!

961
01:13:26.156 --> 01:13:28.492
Buenos dias.

962
01:13:28.617 --> 01:13:30.953
Buenas tardes.

963
01:13:31.078 --> 01:13:32.621
Buenas noches.

964
01:13:32.746 --> 01:13:35.499
(speaks French very quickly )

965
01:13:39.795 --> 01:13:42.422
Slow down.

966
01:13:42.548 --> 01:13:45.217
(speaks French very quickly )

967
01:13:49.304 --> 01:13:50.681
Oh(!)

968
01:13:55.477 --> 01:13:57.521
Spanish Armada...

969
01:13:58.397 --> 01:14:00.274
1588.

970
01:14:00.399 --> 01:14:02.442
That is correct.

971
01:14:13.745 --> 01:14:17.332
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to
a generous donation by Mr Madison...

972
01:14:17.457 --> 01:14:21.962
..to the Knibb High School library, I have
been able to arrange for ten teachers...

973
01:14:22.087 --> 01:14:26.258
..to administer this academic decathlon
in various courses of study.

974
01:14:26.383 --> 01:14:30.387
However, if there is any attempt
by either contestant to cheat,...

975
01:14:30.512 --> 01:14:37.269
..especially with my wife, who is a dirty,
dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap.

976
01:14:37.394 --> 01:14:40.397
Do I make myself clear?

977
01:14:40.522 --> 01:14:41.732
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

978
01:14:41.857 --> 01:14:45.569
All right, then.
Let the academic decathlon begin.

979
01:15:13.639 --> 01:15:15.474
(Billy laughs )

980
01:15:34.952 --> 01:15:37.913
Second team, all-American, Harvard track.

981
01:15:38.664 --> 01:15:41.124
Is that right?

982
01:15:43.001 --> 01:15:46.839
Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?

983
01:15:46.964 --> 01:15:49.424
Yeah, they were weird-lookin'.

984
01:15:54.847 --> 01:15:56.557
Whoa!

985
01:16:10.737 --> 01:16:12.781
(tuneful melody )

986
01:16:29.840 --> 01:16:31.884
(squeaking )

987
01:16:34.428 --> 01:16:35.888
He's good.

988
01:16:36.346 --> 01:16:39.433
To be, or not to be:

989
01:16:40.934 --> 01:16:42.811
that is the question:

990
01:16:42.936 --> 01:16:46.356
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

991
01:16:46.482 --> 01:16:50.611
The slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune...

992
01:16:50.736 --> 01:16:56.325
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

993
01:16:56.450 --> 01:17:00.370
And by opposing end them?

994
01:17:01.288 --> 01:17:05.209
To die: to sleep;

995
01:17:05.334 --> 01:17:07.377
No more.

996
01:17:08.170 --> 01:17:09.880
(boy ) Billy!

997
01:17:11.507 --> 01:17:13.342
Hey, hey, hey. Who rules?

998
01:17:13.467 --> 01:17:15.260
O'Doyle rules!

999
01:17:15.886 --> 01:17:16.887
O'Doyle rules!

1000
01:17:17.513 --> 01:17:18.514
O'Doyle rules!

1001
01:17:19.223 --> 01:17:20.224
O'Doyle rules!

1002
01:17:20.641 --> 01:17:22.059
O'Doyle rules!

1003
01:17:22.267 --> 01:17:23.268
O'Doyle rules!

1004
01:17:24.019 --> 01:17:25.020
O'Doyle rules!

1005
01:17:25.687 --> 01:17:27.314
O'Doyle rules!

1006
01:17:27.439 --> 01:17:29.483
(explosion )

1007
01:17:42.246 --> 01:17:43.997
Good afternoon, students.

1008
01:17:44.122 --> 01:17:47.793
You've been invited here today
to witness the tenth and final event...

1009
01:17:47.918 --> 01:17:53.340
..in the competition between
Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison.

1010
01:17:59.513 --> 01:18:03.851
As of this moment, Mr Madison
is ahead by one point.

1011
01:18:05.644 --> 01:18:09.648
Each competitor will select
the final category for his opponent.

1012
01:18:09.773 --> 01:18:14.278
Mr Madison will go first.
Mr Gordon, choose the topic.

1013
01:18:15.404 --> 01:18:17.698
English Literature.

1014
01:18:17.823 --> 01:18:20.159
US Presidents.

1015
01:18:20.284 --> 01:18:22.744
My Wife, the Tramp.

1016
01:18:23.495 --> 01:18:26.582
Burning Dog Poo
and the Human Response.

1017
01:18:26.707 --> 01:18:29.334
Reflections of Society in Literature.

1018
01:18:29.918 --> 01:18:32.796
Reflections of Society in Literature.

1019
01:18:33.672 --> 01:18:35.757
Good luck, schmuck.

1020
01:18:37.551 --> 01:18:39.178
Mr Madison.

1021
01:18:39.303 --> 01:18:43.432
The Industrial Revolution changed
the face of the modern novel for ever.

1022
01:18:43.557 --> 01:18:47.060
Discuss, citing specific examples.

1023
01:18:49.730 --> 01:18:51.815
(yelling )

1024
01:18:51.940 --> 01:18:53.984
(clears throat )

1025
01:18:56.069 --> 01:18:57.863
Uh...

1026
01:18:57.988 --> 01:18:58.989
Come on!

1027
01:19:05.037 --> 01:19:06.914
OK.

1028
01:19:07.039 --> 01:19:10.417
The Industrial Revolution, to me,
is just like a story I know...

1029
01:19:10.542 --> 01:19:13.837
..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.

1030
01:19:15.756 --> 01:19:18.509
The world was changing...

1031
01:19:18.634 --> 01:19:22.971
..and the puppy was getting... bigger.

1032
01:19:23.597 --> 01:19:28.477
So, you see, the puppy was like industry,...

1033
01:19:28.602 --> 01:19:32.940
..in that they were both
lost in the woods,...

1034
01:19:33.065 --> 01:19:40.531
..and nobody, especially the little boy -
society - knew where to find them.

1035
01:19:43.325 --> 01:19:47.454
Except that the puppy... was a dog.

1036
01:19:48.664 --> 01:19:51.834
But the industry, my friends,...

1037
01:19:51.959 --> 01:19:54.419
..that was a revolution.

1038
01:19:57.840 --> 01:20:00.300
Knibb High football rules!

1039
01:20:13.480 --> 01:20:17.067
Mr Madison, what you've just said...

1040
01:20:17.192 --> 01:20:21.280
..is one of the most insanely
idiotic things I have ever heard.

1041
01:20:21.405 --> 01:20:25.909
At no point in your rambling,
incoherent response...

1042
01:20:26.034 --> 01:20:31.081
..were you even close to anything that
could be considered a rational thought.

1043
01:20:31.206 --> 01:20:36.211
Everyone in this room is now dumber
for having listened to it.

1044
01:20:36.336 --> 01:20:41.300
I award you no points,
and may God have mercy on your soul.

1045
01:20:42.426 --> 01:20:45.554
OK. A simple ''wrong''
would have done just fine, but...

1046
01:20:45.679 --> 01:20:48.015
You remain one point ahead.

1047
01:20:48.140 --> 01:20:52.394
Mr Gordon, it is your turn.
Mr Madison, choose the topic.

1048
01:20:58.775 --> 01:21:02.070
I choose Business Ethics.

1049
01:21:05.491 --> 01:21:10.329
Mr Gordon. The American business
environment has fundamentally changed...

1050
01:21:10.454 --> 01:21:14.291
..following the insider trading
and savings and loan scandals.

1051
01:21:14.416 --> 01:21:18.545
Explain business ethics,
and how they are applied today.

1052
01:21:28.680 --> 01:21:32.309
The, uh, ethics of, uh, business...

1053
01:21:32.434 --> 01:21:34.895
..can be summarised in...

1054
01:21:38.440 --> 01:21:40.400
Yeah, um...

1055
01:21:40.526 --> 01:21:42.152
See...

1056
01:21:42.277 --> 01:21:44.112
Ethics are, uh...

1057
01:21:45.197 --> 01:21:48.367
You know, the... the thing about ethics...

1058
01:21:48.492 --> 01:21:50.536
Aagh!

1059
01:21:53.413 --> 01:21:56.792
That question was not fair!
That was not in the reading.

1060
01:21:56.917 --> 01:22:00.420
- I demand a new question.
- Take it easy, psycho.

1061
01:22:01.046 --> 01:22:03.340
You blew it. You lose.

1062
01:22:03.465 --> 01:22:05.843
I oughta blow you away, you miserable...

1063
01:22:05.968 --> 01:22:08.554
Well, go ahead and do it.

1064
01:22:08.679 --> 01:22:10.222
Yikes!

1065
01:22:14.184 --> 01:22:15.352
No!

1066
01:22:16.603 --> 01:22:18.647
(Eric ) Get off me!

1067
01:22:24.528 --> 01:22:25.654
No!

1068
01:22:32.494 --> 01:22:35.914
Man, I'm glad I called that guy.

1069
01:22:41.044 --> 01:22:44.298
- Max, are you OK?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK.

1070
01:22:44.423 --> 01:22:45.424
OK.

1071
01:22:45.549 --> 01:22:49.261
A little confused, kinda sweaty,...

1072
01:22:49.386 --> 01:22:51.263
..a little hungry,...

1073
01:22:51.388 --> 01:22:54.141
..but all in all I'm OK.

1074
01:23:05.027 --> 01:23:08.864
Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much. Thank you.

1075
01:23:08.989 --> 01:23:14.369
Well, what can I say? I graduated.
It's over. I did it.

1076
01:23:14.495 --> 01:23:19.124
I know most of you are sayin'
''Hey, any idiot could do that.''

1077
01:23:19.249 --> 01:23:23.170
Well, it was tough for me, so back off!

1078
01:23:24.213 --> 01:23:29.885
- Sorry. Sorry about that.
- Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!

1079
01:23:31.720 --> 01:23:33.555
(Billy ) That's nice, buddy.

1080
01:23:33.680 --> 01:23:35.265
Yahoo!

1081
01:23:35.390 --> 01:23:37.476
Yahoo for school!

1082
01:23:37.601 --> 01:23:39.645
Yahoo for me!

1083
01:23:41.772 --> 01:23:45.734
Anyways, this hotel stuff
really isn't for me,...

1084
01:23:45.859 --> 01:23:50.948
..so I decided to step down
as chairman of Madison Hotels...

1085
01:23:51.073 --> 01:23:53.742
..and give the company to Carl.

1086
01:23:58.622 --> 01:24:02.125
I'm gonna go to college.
I'm gonna be a teacher.

1087
01:24:04.419 --> 01:24:08.215
- Peace! I'm outta here!
- (cheering )

1088
01:24:08.340 --> 01:24:09.842
Daddy.

1089
01:24:09.967 --> 01:24:13.178
What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.

1090
01:24:13.303 --> 01:24:16.181
I mean, Eric doesn't
take over the company.

1091
01:24:16.306 --> 01:24:18.684
Are you sure this is what you wanna do?

1092
01:24:18.809 --> 01:24:21.687
I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything.

1093
01:24:24.773 --> 01:24:27.818
Max! What can I say, buddy?
You saved my life.

1094
01:24:27.943 --> 01:24:31.446
You don't have to say anything.
I'm so proud of you.

1095
01:24:32.114 --> 01:24:34.449
But I'm still horny.

1096
01:24:35.492 --> 01:24:38.162
All right, man. You're hurting me.

1097
01:24:42.499 --> 01:24:44.793
You think he's horny.

1098
01:24:44.918 --> 01:24:46.962
Come here.


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