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WEBVTT - https://subtitletools.com 00:00:57.933 --> 00:00:59.853 MEGAN: (ON RECORDING) Wallace, whatever you saw, 00:00:59.935 --> 00:01:01.687 there's an explanation. 00:01:01.853 --> 00:01:03.573 I'm not saying that it's a good explanation, 00:01:03.730 --> 00:01:05.858 it's obviously a bad explanation, 00:01:06.024 --> 00:01:08.243 but we can't just leave things like this. 00:01:08.402 --> 00:01:09.995 You have to call me back, okay? 00:01:10.153 --> 00:01:11.913 Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you. 00:01:12.072 --> 00:01:13.119 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:01:13.282 --> 00:01:16.502 AUTOMATED VOICE: This message has been saved for 379 days. 00:01:16.660 --> 00:01:17.786 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:01:17.953 --> 00:01:19.796 Message deleted. 00:01:24.126 --> 00:01:27.847 (POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:01:31.842 --> 00:01:35.142 (CHATTERING) 00:01:47.357 --> 00:01:49.797 Yeah, that was supposed to be an anonymous fridge magnet poem. 00:01:49.943 --> 00:01:51.445 And here I am quietly judging you. 00:01:51.612 --> 00:01:53.580 Oh, I can handle it. I've humiliated myself 00:01:53.739 --> 00:01:56.162 much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know. 00:01:56.533 --> 00:01:58.410 - Cheers. - Cheers. 00:02:03.665 --> 00:02:04.712 (NEEDLE SCRATCHES) 00:02:04.875 --> 00:02:06.969 (POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:02:18.430 --> 00:02:19.727 I'm sorry, I moved your poem. 00:02:19.890 --> 00:02:21.938 I find this, like, weirdly addictive. 00:02:22.100 --> 00:02:24.780 WALLACE: Yeah, like face tattoos. CHANTRY: Like peeing in the ocean. 00:02:24.936 --> 00:02:25.983 ALLAN: Oh. CHANTRY: Aah! 00:02:26.146 --> 00:02:28.365 - Here it is. Here it is. - Hi. 00:02:28.523 --> 00:02:30.283 - Oh, did you guys meet? - Uh, kind of, yeah. 00:02:30.442 --> 00:02:33.286 ALLAN: Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry. She's an animator. 00:02:33.445 --> 00:02:36.164 - Chantry, this is Wallace. - You're Wallace? 00:02:36.323 --> 00:02:38.621 This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year. 00:02:38.784 --> 00:02:40.036 - Wow. WALLACE: - Yeah. 00:02:40.202 --> 00:02:41.795 Yeah, you do look pale. 00:02:41.953 --> 00:02:44.456 I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino. 00:02:44.623 --> 00:02:46.703 - It's both, actually. ALLAN: - He's been hibernating 00:02:46.792 --> 00:02:49.136 - like bear because of his broken heart. CHANTRY: - Aw. 00:02:49.294 --> 00:02:50.894 Stop telling people and stroking my face. 00:02:51.046 --> 00:02:52.172 (ALLAN CHUCKLES) 00:02:52.339 --> 00:02:54.717 CHANTRY: Anyway, um... NICOLE: Do you guys know Becky? 00:02:54.883 --> 00:02:57.887 Uh, she's small, has brown hair, always bragging about her eating disorder. 00:02:58.053 --> 00:02:59.305 I'm Becky. 00:02:59.471 --> 00:03:01.599 - It's been a while. WOMAN: - Oh, hello. 00:03:01.765 --> 00:03:03.108 It's so good to see you again. 00:03:03.266 --> 00:03:04.643 That's just what she sounds like! 00:03:04.810 --> 00:03:06.483 Can I give you a tour of the house? 00:03:06.645 --> 00:03:07.692 (ALLAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH) 00:03:07.854 --> 00:03:08.901 Come. 00:03:09.064 --> 00:03:10.111 (BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH) 00:03:10.482 --> 00:03:11.699 CHANTRY: To be fair, um, 00:03:11.983 --> 00:03:14.031 I don't always like parties, either. 00:03:14.194 --> 00:03:17.198 Awkward small talk is not my forte. 00:03:17.364 --> 00:03:18.661 It's "fort," actually. 00:03:18.824 --> 00:03:22.124 "Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully." And "fort" is French for "strength." 00:03:22.285 --> 00:03:24.128 But I still say "forte" too. If you say "fort," 00:03:24.287 --> 00:03:26.927 everyone thinks you're getting it wrong, even though it is correct. 00:03:27.082 --> 00:03:30.006 So is that, like, your thing? Correcting people's pronunciation? 00:03:30.168 --> 00:03:32.262 - Yeah, that's my thing. - How's that going for you? 00:03:32.421 --> 00:03:34.344 I have a dead-end job, live in my sister's attic, 00:03:34.506 --> 00:03:35.598 and I never go out. 00:03:35.757 --> 00:03:37.517 Uh, correcting pronunciation is my old thing. 00:03:37.676 --> 00:03:39.849 Actually, my new thing is over-sharing. 00:03:40.011 --> 00:03:42.105 - Heh. - Here, try some of Allan's beer. 00:03:42.264 --> 00:03:43.311 Thank you. 00:03:43.473 --> 00:03:44.833 You actually knocked yourself out? 00:03:44.975 --> 00:03:46.022 - I think so. - Wow. 00:03:46.184 --> 00:03:48.027 And I'll tell you something really weird. 00:03:48.186 --> 00:03:50.359 My face is, like, permanently damaged. 00:03:50.522 --> 00:03:53.150 Like, if you look up here, you can see there's, like... 00:03:53.316 --> 00:03:57.037 - I think there's, like, a dent. - Sort of like, uh, Quasimodo. 00:03:57.195 --> 00:03:58.242 Yeah. 00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:05.379 So, um, I've got to go to the bathroom. 00:04:05.537 --> 00:04:07.539 Do you need anything, like some dental floss, 00:04:07.706 --> 00:04:10.209 or, you know, um, expired aspirin? 00:04:10.375 --> 00:04:11.501 No, but I've left a matchbox in there, 00:04:11.668 --> 00:04:13.548 and I was hoping women could leave pubic hair... 00:04:13.670 --> 00:04:14.717 (LAUGHS) 00:04:14.880 --> 00:04:16.848 Uh, I'll just go around with, like, a party tray. 00:04:17.007 --> 00:04:18.224 No, they'll be in there. It'll be fine. 00:04:18.383 --> 00:04:19.805 - I'm stuffing a pillow. - Okay. 00:04:30.395 --> 00:04:31.738 (MOANING) 00:04:35.901 --> 00:04:38.154 WALLACE: - Oh. Hey. - Oh. Hi. 00:04:38.320 --> 00:04:42.370 I was just, um, leaving without saying goodbye, like a dick. 00:04:42.532 --> 00:04:47.083 Yeah. Yeah, that's totally what I am doing as well. 00:04:47.245 --> 00:04:48.292 - Heh. - Oh. 00:04:53.168 --> 00:04:54.670 - Where are you...? - Oh, um, 00:04:54.836 --> 00:04:56.838 I'm just, like, a couple blocks west. 00:04:57.005 --> 00:04:58.052 - Me too. - Oh. 00:04:58.215 --> 00:05:01.515 - Uh, would you like to walk together? - Um, yeah. Sure. 00:05:01.676 --> 00:05:03.599 Cool. 00:05:05.472 --> 00:05:07.520 I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal 00:05:07.682 --> 00:05:10.561 - and he faked Parkinson's for attention. - I read that too. Crazy. 00:05:10.727 --> 00:05:12.400 Awful people. Really. 00:05:12.562 --> 00:05:14.485 Um, this is actually me here. 00:05:14.648 --> 00:05:17.777 Oh. Right. Um, well, hey, I had a really good time talking to you. 00:05:17.943 --> 00:05:19.820 Yeah. Me too. Which is rare, actually. 00:05:19.986 --> 00:05:22.239 I'm usually not that social, so... 00:05:22.405 --> 00:05:24.407 Well, um. 00:05:24.574 --> 00:05:26.827 Maybe you'd like to talk again sometime. 00:05:26.993 --> 00:05:28.586 Yeah, definitely. We should hang out. 00:05:28.745 --> 00:05:30.839 Yeah. It'd be lovely. 00:05:30.997 --> 00:05:33.546 Okay, so, I'm gonna give you my number. 00:05:33.708 --> 00:05:35.210 - Okay. I will... - Top secret. 00:05:35.377 --> 00:05:36.424 Good. 00:05:36.586 --> 00:05:38.714 I did not mean to stay out so late. 00:05:38.880 --> 00:05:40.427 No, me neither. 00:05:40.590 --> 00:05:43.639 My boyfriend will be worried about, um, what happened to me, 00:05:43.802 --> 00:05:46.772 so, you know, call me. 00:05:46.930 --> 00:05:49.353 Yes. Thank you very much. Um... 00:05:49.975 --> 00:05:51.522 - Nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you. 00:05:51.685 --> 00:05:52.732 - Cool. - Good night. 00:05:52.894 --> 00:05:53.941 Good night. 00:05:54.479 --> 00:05:56.277 (SIGHS) 00:06:05.073 --> 00:06:06.120 (SIGHS) 00:06:29.306 --> 00:06:31.104 WALLACE: I had a good time talking to you. 00:06:31.266 --> 00:06:32.813 CHANTRY: Yeah. Me too. 00:06:34.978 --> 00:06:38.653 My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me. 00:06:48.116 --> 00:06:50.084 (CHIRPING) 00:07:12.933 --> 00:07:13.980 Hey, what's up, Felix? 00:07:14.142 --> 00:07:15.189 (THUD THEN ELLIE GRUNTS) 00:07:15.352 --> 00:07:17.275 - You all right? - Just dropped an earring. 00:07:17.437 --> 00:07:18.859 Your dinner's in the oven. 00:07:19.022 --> 00:07:21.150 - Good night. - What time will you be home? 00:07:21.316 --> 00:07:23.114 If the date is good, midnight. 00:07:23.276 --> 00:07:25.574 If the date is bad, 8. 00:07:25.737 --> 00:07:28.365 Uh, no treats, okay? And no horror movies. 00:07:28.531 --> 00:07:30.204 And don't let him go up on the roof. 00:07:30.367 --> 00:07:32.167 And don't sell his organs on the black market. 00:07:32.327 --> 00:07:34.079 Okay. I'm off. 00:07:34.245 --> 00:07:37.249 WALLACE: Take care. Have fun. Good luck. 00:07:39.793 --> 00:07:42.592 (MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ON TV) 00:07:44.631 --> 00:07:46.258 MAN 1: (ON TV) - Unh. - Clear! 00:07:46.424 --> 00:07:48.597 All right, mate, close your eyes. 00:07:48.760 --> 00:07:49.886 MAN 2: (ON TV) Clear. 00:07:50.053 --> 00:07:52.055 Aah! 00:07:54.182 --> 00:07:56.401 Okay, you can open them again. 00:07:57.769 --> 00:08:00.022 (GROWLING) 00:08:00.188 --> 00:08:02.611 (DOOR OPENS) 00:08:04.734 --> 00:08:06.361 (CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS ON TV) 00:08:06.528 --> 00:08:08.701 (GROANS) 00:08:11.866 --> 00:08:13.709 (SIGHS) 00:08:13.868 --> 00:08:16.621 (INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV) 00:08:20.500 --> 00:08:23.504 (MAN SCREAMING ON TV) 00:08:26.756 --> 00:08:28.633 (ELLIE SIGHS) 00:08:41.938 --> 00:08:43.815 CHANTRY: Thank you. 00:08:47.027 --> 00:08:49.029 NARRATOR: Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure 00:08:49.195 --> 00:08:51.539 as ordering Westley around. 00:08:51.698 --> 00:08:53.325 BUTTERCUP: Farm boy? 00:08:53.491 --> 00:08:55.209 Polish my horse's saddle. 00:08:55.368 --> 00:08:58.042 I want to see my face shining in it by morning. 00:08:58.204 --> 00:09:00.753 WESTLEY: As you wish. 00:09:02.709 --> 00:09:06.464 NARRATOR: "As you wish" was all he ever said to her. 00:09:10.175 --> 00:09:12.018 Thank you. 00:09:22.854 --> 00:09:23.901 (HORN HONKS) 00:09:24.064 --> 00:09:26.533 MAN: Hey. Need a ride? CHANTRY: Oh, hey. 00:09:26.691 --> 00:09:30.366 Hey. Um, no, I think we're okay. Thanks. Yeah. 00:09:31.196 --> 00:09:32.664 Sorry, I didn't see you there. 00:09:32.822 --> 00:09:36.167 No, I also didn't see you standing right next to me. 00:09:36.326 --> 00:09:37.623 Hi, Wallace. 00:09:37.786 --> 00:09:39.129 - Chantry. - Yes. 00:09:39.287 --> 00:09:41.381 - I'm here alone. - Me too. 00:09:41.539 --> 00:09:45.965 My boyfriend was supposed to come, but he had to work late, so... 00:09:46.127 --> 00:09:47.754 I like seeing movies by myself, though. 00:09:47.921 --> 00:09:50.015 I think it's, um, really cool you're here alone. 00:09:50.173 --> 00:09:52.141 Oh, yeah. Super cool. 00:09:52.300 --> 00:09:53.347 Yeah. 00:09:53.510 --> 00:09:55.888 CHANTRY: Seriously? WALLACE: Yeah, seriously. 00:09:56.054 --> 00:10:00.230 I don't think you can have Princess Bride as one of your favorite movies 00:10:00.391 --> 00:10:03.065 if you actually think love makes you a worse person. 00:10:03.228 --> 00:10:04.650 Well, no, it's irrelevant. 00:10:04.813 --> 00:10:06.486 The Princess Bride is a fairy tale. 00:10:06.648 --> 00:10:10.027 In fairy tales, love inspires you to be noble and courageous, 00:10:10.193 --> 00:10:14.369 but in real life, love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior. 00:10:14.531 --> 00:10:20.083 You can lie and cheat and hurt people, and it's all okay because you're in love. 00:10:23.248 --> 00:10:25.626 I don't know if you are actually cynical, 00:10:25.792 --> 00:10:29.842 or just a super crazy, romantic cheese ball. 00:10:30.004 --> 00:10:34.054 You go see Princess Bride by yourself, on a week night, like a total loser. 00:10:34.217 --> 00:10:38.313 Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you, and you still came all by yourself, 00:10:38.471 --> 00:10:40.565 - so who's the real loser? - Are you hungry? 00:10:41.391 --> 00:10:43.393 CHANTRY: I can't believe you ordered fried pickles. 00:10:43.560 --> 00:10:47.155 Pickles are disgusting. Pickling is like embalming, basically. 00:10:47.313 --> 00:10:49.782 Like, a pickle jar is like a tomb for cucumbers. 00:10:49.941 --> 00:10:53.115 I violated a tremendous amount of corpses in medical school, 00:10:53.278 --> 00:10:55.372 so I know that pickling is not the same as embalming. 00:10:55.738 --> 00:10:57.615 - You're a doctor? - Uh, heh, no. 00:10:57.782 --> 00:10:59.125 - Med school dropout. - All right. 00:10:59.868 --> 00:11:01.996 (CRUNCHING) 00:11:03.413 --> 00:11:07.043 The whole premise of deep-frying is it makes everything taste better. 00:11:07.208 --> 00:11:09.506 - I don't like deep-fried food. - French fries? 00:11:09.669 --> 00:11:11.467 - Eugh. - Onion rings? 00:11:11.629 --> 00:11:12.676 - Fried chicken? - Nope. 00:11:12.839 --> 00:11:13.886 - Fish and chips? - Gross. 00:11:14.048 --> 00:11:16.176 Funnel cakes? Doughnuts? Deep-fried banana sandwiches? 00:11:16.342 --> 00:11:17.935 No, but Elvis ate those. 00:11:18.094 --> 00:11:19.471 And something called Fool's Gold. 00:11:19.637 --> 00:11:21.157 - What is that? - I don't know exactly, 00:11:21.306 --> 00:11:23.559 but I read on the Internet that Elvis died 00:11:23.725 --> 00:11:27.150 with 40 pounds of undigested feces still in his intestine. 00:11:27.312 --> 00:11:29.565 Thank you for telling me that in the middle of dinner. 00:11:29.731 --> 00:11:31.529 - You're welcome. - Next time I take a bite, 00:11:31.691 --> 00:11:34.035 - you can say "diarrhea." - Diarrhea. 00:11:34.194 --> 00:11:35.834 Is this something you learn in Med school? 00:11:35.987 --> 00:11:38.115 Yeah. They go through the... 00:11:38.281 --> 00:11:40.454 - All the famous people. - All the famous people 00:11:40.617 --> 00:11:43.712 and how much feces were left in them at the time of their death. 00:11:43.870 --> 00:11:44.917 - Marie Antoinette? - Tons. 00:11:45.079 --> 00:11:48.299 In fact, they had to guillotine her intestine as well as her head. 00:11:48.458 --> 00:11:52.088 Yeah. They just, like, moved the body further along through the machine. 00:11:52.253 --> 00:11:53.675 Who do you think weighs the feces? 00:11:53.838 --> 00:11:55.215 I think, as the king, 00:11:55.381 --> 00:11:57.725 it would've been, like, a job that people fought for. 00:11:57.884 --> 00:11:59.852 - Mm-hm. - "Well, if I can't dress him, 00:12:00.011 --> 00:12:03.732 if I can't make him look pretty for the casket, can I at least touch his poo?" 00:12:03.890 --> 00:12:05.650 - You think he kept a bit? - I'm sure he did. 00:12:05.808 --> 00:12:07.401 In a matchbox or something, yeah. 00:12:07.560 --> 00:12:10.188 Like, one of those little vials you could wear around your neck. 00:12:10.355 --> 00:12:12.824 Like, yeah, he had, like, a little shit locket. 00:12:12.982 --> 00:12:14.199 - Heh-heh-heh-heh. - Yeah, yes. 00:12:15.318 --> 00:12:19.039 CHANTRY: So, like, I've been with Ben for five years, and, like, 00:12:19.197 --> 00:12:22.576 I get that guys don't want to hang out with the girl with the boyfriend, 00:12:23.409 --> 00:12:24.877 but it just sucks, you know. 00:12:25.036 --> 00:12:26.788 It just makes you feel like the only thing 00:12:26.955 --> 00:12:29.674 that's interesting about you is how you look with your clothes off. 00:12:29.832 --> 00:12:32.836 I mean, like, it should be easier to make friends if you have a boyfriend, 00:12:33.002 --> 00:12:34.675 because there's no confusion. 00:12:34.837 --> 00:12:37.090 Uh, so is that it? 00:12:37.257 --> 00:12:38.850 That's your big pitch to be my friend? 00:12:39.008 --> 00:12:40.681 - Um... - That was terrible. 00:12:40.843 --> 00:12:42.561 Yeah, I know, I know. 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:45.394 I'm just... I practiced in the mirror, and... 00:12:45.556 --> 00:12:46.933 - Anyway... - Friends? 00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:49.228 - Yeah, why not? Friends. - All right. 00:12:49.394 --> 00:12:51.396 Is this how you make friends? Like a business deal? 00:12:51.562 --> 00:12:53.735 Yeah, actually. It's just my style. 00:12:53.898 --> 00:12:55.866 - It's quite unnerving, but it's good. - Heh-heh. 00:12:56.442 --> 00:12:58.410 WALLACE: What's shaking, hot pants? 00:12:58.569 --> 00:13:00.867 You can't write, "What's shaking, hot pants." 00:13:01.030 --> 00:13:04.500 Have you seen anyone wearing hot pants in the last five years? 00:13:04.659 --> 00:13:06.787 That homeless man who shouts at people near the pool. 00:13:06.953 --> 00:13:08.000 (COMPUTER DINGS) 00:13:08.162 --> 00:13:09.755 WALLACE: So I found this website 00:13:09.914 --> 00:13:16.172 where they explain what Fool's Gold is. 00:13:16.838 --> 00:13:18.431 - You take... - Heh. 00:13:18.589 --> 00:13:21.593 ...a loaf of Italian white bread, 00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:23.386 you coat it in butter 00:13:24.178 --> 00:13:25.771 and bake it. 00:13:26.973 --> 00:13:28.065 (TIMER DINGS) 00:13:28.224 --> 00:13:31.478 Then you hollow out the inside 00:13:33.062 --> 00:13:39.115 and coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter, 00:13:39.277 --> 00:13:43.373 and an entire jar of jam. 00:13:44.115 --> 00:13:48.120 Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon. 00:13:49.954 --> 00:13:54.755 The website said it serves eight to ten people, or one Elvis. 00:13:56.127 --> 00:13:59.427 You know, a jar of peanut butter has, like, 6,000 calories in it. 00:13:59.589 --> 00:14:01.136 And bacon is not even a food. 00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:03.552 Technically, it's just pure fat. 00:14:03.718 --> 00:14:05.220 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 00:14:05.428 --> 00:14:09.274 "Championbeefcake@hotmail.Com, re: just pure fat." 00:14:09.432 --> 00:14:12.902 "I can't confirm how much feces were in Elvis's colon when he died, 00:14:13.061 --> 00:14:16.406 but I did find out how he discovered Fool's Gold." 00:14:16.564 --> 00:14:18.111 They get on the jet, private jet, 00:14:18.274 --> 00:14:20.072 fly to Denver, get to Denver, 00:14:20.234 --> 00:14:22.532 order Fool's Gold sandwiches to be delivered to the plane, 00:14:22.695 --> 00:14:25.335 eat them, fly back to Graceland without ever getting off the plane. 00:14:25.490 --> 00:14:28.710 - Wow. - And the best part is, 00:14:28.868 --> 00:14:33.590 February 1, 1976? The day my parents got married. 00:14:35.041 --> 00:14:37.635 - Oh, no! Wallace! WALLACE: - Come on. 00:14:37.794 --> 00:14:40.217 CHANTRY: Got it! WALLACE: Mail storm! 00:15:13.413 --> 00:15:14.539 (SIGHS) 00:15:14.705 --> 00:15:16.548 (MOUSE CLICKS) 00:15:16.707 --> 00:15:18.801 ALLAN: It starts dirty, it ends dirty. 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.305 A relationship that starts with a breakup is doomed to end with a breakup. 00:15:22.463 --> 00:15:23.589 - Who said that? - Me. 00:15:23.756 --> 00:15:27.511 You, after Vicky Cardero gave me a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party 00:15:27.677 --> 00:15:30.277 - and I wanted to ask her out. - I recall you ignored that advice. 00:15:30.430 --> 00:15:32.148 - What was the result? - It ended dirty. 00:15:32.306 --> 00:15:33.586 Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty. 00:15:33.724 --> 00:15:36.694 This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight. I'm not trying to break them up. 00:15:36.853 --> 00:15:40.323 I just... I'm happy just being friends with her. 00:15:41.190 --> 00:15:43.568 Is this a good housewarming gift for Nicole? 00:15:43.734 --> 00:15:45.111 Why are you buying her a gift? 00:15:45.278 --> 00:15:46.871 She's moving into your house. 00:15:47.029 --> 00:15:49.908 Girls are weird about this sort of stuff, and I'd rather overcompensate. 00:15:50.450 --> 00:15:52.293 How much for the flying moose? 00:15:52.452 --> 00:15:53.999 This dinner is a terrible idea. 00:15:54.162 --> 00:15:57.587 Normally, I wouldn't care about you tumbling into some mess with a girl. 00:15:57.748 --> 00:15:59.546 I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny 00:15:59.709 --> 00:16:02.553 but mathematical possible chance of a threesome, but this is my cousin. 00:16:02.712 --> 00:16:04.464 I accidentally saw her labia one time, 00:16:04.630 --> 00:16:06.098 immediately, explosive diarrhea. 00:16:06.257 --> 00:16:08.760 Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation, 00:16:08.926 --> 00:16:11.770 because you can't interact with a woman without sex screwing it up. 00:16:11.929 --> 00:16:13.522 But I can, because I'm a grown-up. 00:16:13.681 --> 00:16:15.729 And it's so adorable that you really believe that. 00:16:15.892 --> 00:16:18.111 More importantly, if this was your bedside lamp, 00:16:18.269 --> 00:16:21.273 do you think the warm glow would make you feel more sexually experimental? 00:16:21.981 --> 00:16:24.359 - Absolutely. - What do you think? 00:16:24.775 --> 00:16:26.777 I've got the same one at home. 00:16:29.947 --> 00:16:32.666 DALIA: It's the worst thing that's ever happened in all of history. 00:16:32.950 --> 00:16:36.079 Was it worse than when that meteor hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs? 00:16:36.245 --> 00:16:39.499 Yes. My breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor. 00:16:39.665 --> 00:16:41.425 I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you. 00:16:41.584 --> 00:16:43.757 - With a grad student! - No, I know. 00:16:43.920 --> 00:16:47.094 Her thesis is probably on how to be a rat-faced whore. 00:16:47.256 --> 00:16:49.475 And I really liked him. I'm so sorry. 00:16:49.634 --> 00:16:53.684 I liked him so much, I don't even want to sleep with his friends to get back at him. 00:16:53.846 --> 00:16:55.598 I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it. 00:16:55.765 --> 00:16:59.770 Do you think there might be, like, a less skanky option for rebounding? 00:16:59.936 --> 00:17:01.438 No. This is something you have to do. 00:17:01.604 --> 00:17:03.026 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 00:17:03.189 --> 00:17:06.864 - I don't want to wreck your dinner party. - No, no, it's not a dinner party. 00:17:07.026 --> 00:17:08.619 It's just, like, my friend, Wallace. 00:17:08.778 --> 00:17:11.497 Stay. This Wallace guy could be a good rebound for you. 00:17:13.407 --> 00:17:14.579 Okay. 00:17:14.742 --> 00:17:17.495 Please, go easy on him. He's delicate. 00:17:17.662 --> 00:17:19.881 - Hi! WALLACE: - Hi. 00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:22.292 - Hey. I brought booze. - Thank you! That's so nice. 00:17:22.458 --> 00:17:24.578 WALLACE: - You're welcome. - You can take your coat off. 00:17:24.585 --> 00:17:25.802 I will. Thank you very much. 00:17:25.962 --> 00:17:27.682 Well, this place looks just like I imagined. 00:17:27.838 --> 00:17:29.090 - Really? - Well, I mean, 00:17:29.257 --> 00:17:32.352 yeah, I pictured more potpourri and doilies and stuffed animals 00:17:32.510 --> 00:17:34.808 - and things, knowing you, but, yeah... - I put that away. 00:17:34.971 --> 00:17:36.689 I know that it weirds you out. 00:17:36.847 --> 00:17:39.225 Ben, Wallace is here. 00:17:39.392 --> 00:17:41.315 WALLACE: - Hi. - Hey, Wallace. How are you? 00:17:41.477 --> 00:17:42.524 Hi. 00:17:42.687 --> 00:17:44.735 Oh. Oh. Sorry. 00:17:44.897 --> 00:17:47.241 - No worries. BEN: - Let me dry off my hands. 00:17:47.567 --> 00:17:49.848 - Thanks for coming by. - No. Nice to meet you. Thank you. 00:17:49.986 --> 00:17:51.579 - Hey, everybody. - Hey. 00:17:51.737 --> 00:17:54.331 Oh, um, Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia. 00:17:54.490 --> 00:17:55.537 WALLACE: - Nice to... - Nice to meet you. 00:17:55.700 --> 00:17:56.997 WALLACE: - Oh. Hello. - Hi. 00:17:57.159 --> 00:17:58.206 (DALIA SNIFFS) 00:17:58.369 --> 00:17:59.837 - You smell really good. - Really? 00:17:59.996 --> 00:18:02.196 Yeah. Or maybe it just smells really bad in here, right? 00:18:02.331 --> 00:18:05.130 No, he smells great. But it is getting kind of oniony in here. 00:18:05.293 --> 00:18:08.012 - Can someone open the window? - Yeah, I'll get it. 00:18:08.170 --> 00:18:10.138 CHANTRY: Right over there. 00:18:10.298 --> 00:18:12.458 So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something. 00:18:12.592 --> 00:18:14.344 - Uh, yeah? - Europe. 00:18:14.510 --> 00:18:15.978 The...? The continent? 00:18:16.137 --> 00:18:17.184 - See? BEN: - Is it? 00:18:17.346 --> 00:18:18.939 - Is it? CHANTRY: - Yes, it is a Cont... 00:18:19.098 --> 00:18:20.725 BEN: - Is it a continent? - It is. 00:18:20.891 --> 00:18:22.689 He is from that continent, he should know. 00:18:22.852 --> 00:18:24.354 Okay, look at a map, any map, 00:18:24.520 --> 00:18:26.920 Europe's not a separate continent, it's clearly part of Asia. 00:18:27.064 --> 00:18:31.991 Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't a continent, then why is it a continent? 00:18:32.153 --> 00:18:34.906 Because Europeans were the ones who decided what the continents are, 00:18:35.072 --> 00:18:39.043 and they didn't want to get lumped in with all the, you know, Asians. 00:18:39.201 --> 00:18:43.251 Ben is trying to change the world from the inside out. 00:18:43.414 --> 00:18:45.462 Okay? Eurasia. That's what they should call it. 00:18:45.625 --> 00:18:48.424 - Europe plus Asia: Eurasia. WALLACE: - Okay. 00:18:48.586 --> 00:18:50.930 - Who wants more wine? CHANTRY: - I do. Please. 00:18:51.088 --> 00:18:52.368 - Um, in my glass. DALIA: - Here. 00:18:52.506 --> 00:18:55.055 And so, um, Ben, what is it exactly that you do at the UN? 00:18:55.217 --> 00:18:58.187 I'm part of an international consortium of lawyers with a UN mandate 00:18:58.346 --> 00:19:00.346 - to negotiate copyright standards. WALLACE: - Wow. 00:19:00.431 --> 00:19:02.831 More importantly, are you trying to sleep with my girlfriend? 00:19:03.434 --> 00:19:05.687 CHANTRY: Ben was working late and Allan invited me... 00:19:05.853 --> 00:19:08.948 Uh, don't worry, we're just talking "guy," okay? 00:19:09.106 --> 00:19:11.529 They think we're talking about international copyright law. 00:19:11.692 --> 00:19:12.818 Okay. 00:19:12.985 --> 00:19:15.989 Now, look, I have no problem with the concept of Chantry having guy friends, 00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:17.532 but if you're trying to move in... 00:19:17.698 --> 00:19:19.166 No, no, God, I wouldn't do that. 00:19:19.325 --> 00:19:21.293 I just want to be friends with her. And with you. 00:19:21.452 --> 00:19:23.671 Friends is fine. Okay? I can do friends. 00:19:23.829 --> 00:19:26.628 But you better not try and put your penis anywhere near her. 00:19:26.791 --> 00:19:28.839 - Okay. - Every country has different laws, 00:19:29.001 --> 00:19:32.175 so it's a logistical nightmare, but I think it's important work, you know? 00:19:32.338 --> 00:19:35.467 - I think it's worth it. - That is impressive. Very impressive. 00:19:38.594 --> 00:19:41.518 - Ah. Ah. Ah! Aah! - Oh, shit. 00:19:41.681 --> 00:19:42.961 BEN: Aah! WALLACE: You all right? 00:19:43.015 --> 00:19:45.268 BEN: Oh, my God, my eye! Aah! CHANTRY: What is it? 00:19:45.434 --> 00:19:46.686 He's just rubbed his eye. 00:19:46.852 --> 00:19:48.650 God! My eye! It's really burning. 00:19:48.813 --> 00:19:50.690 - Did you cut the jalapeño? - Yeah, I did. 00:19:50.856 --> 00:19:54.656 WALLACE: - Yeah. - Oh, my... Ow! Ow! Ow! 00:19:54.819 --> 00:19:56.739 - Wallace, medical school! BEN: - Shit, it hurts! 00:19:56.821 --> 00:19:59.324 Okay, well, do you...? Saline solution. Do you use contacts? 00:19:59.490 --> 00:20:01.618 - I do. It's in the bathroom. - Ben wears contacts. 00:20:01.784 --> 00:20:03.504 WALLACE: - Okay. Where? - Through that door! 00:20:03.577 --> 00:20:05.329 - Yeah. BEN: - Oh, God, that's painful! 00:20:05.496 --> 00:20:09.296 - Okay, what can I do, honey? BEN: - God, that burns so badly! 00:20:09.458 --> 00:20:12.211 It's on that rag and it's in the other eye now! 00:20:12.378 --> 00:20:13.550 Aah! 00:20:14.505 --> 00:20:15.973 CHANTRY: I'm sorry! Just... 00:20:17.091 --> 00:20:18.343 CHANTRY: Over there! 00:20:19.760 --> 00:20:21.603 (BEN GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS) 00:20:21.762 --> 00:20:24.936 CHANTRY: Ben? Aah! Ben! WALLACE: Oh, shit! 00:20:25.099 --> 00:20:26.442 - Oh, my God! - Ben? 00:20:26.600 --> 00:20:28.443 - Are you okay? BEN: - Unh. 00:20:28.602 --> 00:20:29.979 CHANTRY: Okay, don't move. Ben! 00:20:30.146 --> 00:20:31.523 (BEN GASPING) 00:20:31.689 --> 00:20:33.783 - Do something! - Call 911! 00:20:33.941 --> 00:20:36.410 CHANTRY: Oh, no! Okay, stay right there! Don't move! 00:20:38.112 --> 00:20:40.490 WALLACE: I'm sorry. You look fine. 00:20:40.656 --> 00:20:44.377 BEN: Aah! It hurts me! It hurts me! 00:20:44.535 --> 00:20:45.787 (SIREN WAILING) 00:20:45.953 --> 00:20:48.627 - Just be still. - What if I'm paralyzed? 00:20:48.789 --> 00:20:49.881 You're not paralyzed. 00:20:50.040 --> 00:20:52.400 I'm gonna give you something for the pain to help you relax. 00:20:52.543 --> 00:20:54.170 Oh, my God. What if I relax too much? 00:20:54.336 --> 00:20:56.384 What if I lose control of my bodily function? 00:20:56.547 --> 00:20:57.799 What if I shit myself? 00:20:57.965 --> 00:21:00.093 You know, that actually happens more than you'd think. 00:21:00.259 --> 00:21:02.387 It's the worst part of my job. It's super gross. 00:21:02.553 --> 00:21:03.679 Here we go. 00:21:03.846 --> 00:21:06.190 BEN: - Unh... - Okay. Okay. Okay. 00:21:06.348 --> 00:21:08.897 PARAMEDIC: - And there we are. - Just lie still. Shh. 00:21:09.059 --> 00:21:10.686 (BEN GROANING) 00:21:11.562 --> 00:21:12.859 BEN: Ooh. 00:21:13.022 --> 00:21:14.524 Should you really be eating? 00:21:14.690 --> 00:21:17.443 Stress makes me hungry. That's why I can never be a fighter pilot. 00:21:17.610 --> 00:21:20.614 I would be, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't even be able to fit in the cockpit. 00:21:20.780 --> 00:21:22.703 BEN: (SINGING) Holy night 00:21:22.865 --> 00:21:24.617 Shh. 00:21:24.784 --> 00:21:27.958 (ALL HUMMING) 00:21:34.668 --> 00:21:36.045 So, what's the prognosis, doc? 00:21:36.212 --> 00:21:37.839 He'll need the cast for a few more weeks, 00:21:38.005 --> 00:21:39.973 but the, uh, neck brace is a precaution. 00:21:40.132 --> 00:21:42.305 And he'll probably be out in the morning. 00:21:42.468 --> 00:21:44.749 If you're gonna spend the night, I can wait here with Ben. 00:21:44.887 --> 00:21:46.264 You guys get something to eat. 00:21:48.098 --> 00:21:50.021 CHANTRY: What are you getting? 00:21:50.976 --> 00:21:53.570 Tuna salad. Yeah. 00:21:53.729 --> 00:21:56.528 - I hate hospitals. - Mm, me too. 00:21:57.358 --> 00:22:00.202 I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child. 00:22:00.361 --> 00:22:02.113 Because of all your deformities? 00:22:02.613 --> 00:22:05.992 - Um, no, my parents met as interns. - Right. 00:22:06.158 --> 00:22:08.035 He does cardiology, she does orthopedics. 00:22:08.202 --> 00:22:12.127 He actually proposed to her on the roof of Charing Cross Hospital in London. 00:22:12.289 --> 00:22:13.461 That's romantic. 00:22:13.624 --> 00:22:15.626 Yeah, until the affairs. 00:22:15.793 --> 00:22:17.466 She cheated on him, he cheated on her. 00:22:17.628 --> 00:22:18.675 It was just a mess. 00:22:18.838 --> 00:22:20.636 How old were you when they got divorced? 00:22:20.798 --> 00:22:23.176 Uh, 7, I think. 00:22:23.342 --> 00:22:26.687 Oh, uh, you don't know how to teleport, do you? 00:22:26.846 --> 00:22:27.893 - No. - Okay. 00:22:28.055 --> 00:22:31.810 Then I apologize for the awkward situation you're about to witness. 00:22:31.976 --> 00:22:37.699 Hi. Um, sorry, Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, um... 00:22:37.857 --> 00:22:39.404 Well, my nothing in particular. 00:22:39.817 --> 00:22:42.070 CHANTRY: Nice to meet you. 00:22:42.611 --> 00:22:44.784 Wallace, what are you doing here? Are you sick? 00:22:44.947 --> 00:22:49.123 No, um, Chantry's boyfriend fell out of a window, but he's okay. 00:22:49.285 --> 00:22:52.084 - Do you want me to look in on him? - No. That won't be necessary. 00:22:54.081 --> 00:22:55.128 I'm gonna go. 00:22:55.291 --> 00:22:56.759 We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch. 00:22:57.167 --> 00:22:58.687 Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon, 00:22:58.836 --> 00:23:00.804 or the tuna, or anything with seafood. 00:23:00.963 --> 00:23:03.682 The company that stocks the machine has failed four inspections, 00:23:03.841 --> 00:23:05.641 but the manager's brother works for the mayor. 00:23:05.801 --> 00:23:08.850 I'm sorry, I've been on shift for 18 hours and I'm really tired. 00:23:09.013 --> 00:23:12.013 I had so much coffee, and when I saw her, I thought she was your girlfriend, 00:23:12.016 --> 00:23:13.734 and that made me want to cry. 00:23:13.893 --> 00:23:15.573 It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right? 00:23:15.728 --> 00:23:18.322 - You are, and it is. - I just want us to be friends. 00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:20.073 Not today, but someday. 00:23:20.232 --> 00:23:22.032 Whatever he said, it wasn't black-and-white... 00:23:22.192 --> 00:23:24.945 He hasn't said anything about you. 00:23:25.696 --> 00:23:27.164 He's never even mentioned you. 00:23:31.619 --> 00:23:33.166 Um... 00:23:33.329 --> 00:23:36.082 Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you. 00:23:36.248 --> 00:23:39.673 - I hope your boyfriend feels better. CHANTRY: - Thank you. 00:23:43.589 --> 00:23:45.432 That was my ex-girlfriend. 00:23:45.591 --> 00:23:47.639 - Yeah. - Yeah. 00:24:02.232 --> 00:24:05.577 Dude, you're really fishhooking me over this new manual. 00:24:05.736 --> 00:24:07.738 Is fishhooking good or bad? 00:24:07.905 --> 00:24:10.249 - You enjoy being fishhooked? - I've never been fishhooked. 00:24:10.407 --> 00:24:12.250 - Take a guess. - Probably not. 00:24:12.409 --> 00:24:13.456 Definitely not. 00:24:13.619 --> 00:24:14.996 Nobody wants to be fishhooked. 00:24:15.162 --> 00:24:18.132 All those girls in high school you fishhooked, they didn't like it. 00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:22.545 They just wanted to have sex with me. Uh, you. Uh, men. Men. 00:24:22.711 --> 00:24:23.758 I'm off topic. 00:24:23.921 --> 00:24:26.265 - God, I hope so. - Uh, yeah. Manual. 00:24:26.423 --> 00:24:27.925 Uh, it needs a lot of work. 00:24:28.092 --> 00:24:30.686 So I'll give you, uh, another wee... Uh, month. 00:24:30.844 --> 00:24:33.393 Extra month. So make it, uh... 00:24:33.555 --> 00:24:35.057 Make it right. 00:24:36.475 --> 00:24:38.022 (SIGHS) 00:24:39.103 --> 00:24:40.150 CHANTRY: Hang on a second. 00:24:40.312 --> 00:24:43.657 Seriously, Josh, this is where we're doing it? 00:24:43.816 --> 00:24:47.286 With the wood? Because I think it might be cleaner someplace else. 00:24:47.444 --> 00:24:49.993 - You're blocking the shot, so... CHANTRY: - Oh, sorry. 00:24:50.155 --> 00:24:52.374 - Keep going, Josh. - Douche. 00:24:52.533 --> 00:24:55.787 It is total bullshit that Josh got the project manager job over you. 00:24:55.953 --> 00:24:58.714 Everyone knows it's your design, and now Josh is acting like it's his. 00:24:58.872 --> 00:25:01.546 - It's, like, sexism or something. - Our boss is a woman. 00:25:01.709 --> 00:25:04.508 Uh, I am so pissed that I gave Josh a ho-jo after the Christmas party. 00:25:04.670 --> 00:25:08.300 It is kind of your tradition to give one of our coworkers a handsy for Christmas. 00:25:08.465 --> 00:25:09.887 Shh! 00:25:10.050 --> 00:25:12.553 Listen, guys, Holly offered me the promotion first. 00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:14.472 - I turned it down. BOTH: - What? 00:25:14.638 --> 00:25:17.482 GRETCHEN: - Why? - Because I like being an animator. 00:25:17.641 --> 00:25:18.688 (GIRL GROANS) 00:25:18.851 --> 00:25:21.775 I do, and the project manager has to deal with so much more, 00:25:21.937 --> 00:25:24.656 like, hassle and paperwork and meetings, 00:25:24.815 --> 00:25:27.819 and Josh is gonna end up stuck in Taiwan half the year. 00:25:27.985 --> 00:25:30.659 Yeah, all that extra power and money and travel is gonna suck. 00:25:30.821 --> 00:25:32.789 Stop. She doesn't want the hassle, okay? 00:25:32.948 --> 00:25:36.953 She's got a great job, a great boyfriend, great friends like me, kind of you. 00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:39.087 She's happy just the way things are, right? 00:25:39.872 --> 00:25:41.624 Right. 00:25:41.790 --> 00:25:42.837 (SIGHS) 00:25:45.044 --> 00:25:46.796 Oh, good, there they are. 00:25:46.962 --> 00:25:49.010 Servings per pack, about 107. 00:25:49.173 --> 00:25:50.220 - Oh, about. - About. 00:25:50.382 --> 00:25:51.884 Oh, okay. Heh-heh-heh. 00:25:52.051 --> 00:25:54.645 Just in case you want to eat all of it in one sitting. 00:25:54.803 --> 00:25:56.897 That is not a good idea. 00:25:57.056 --> 00:25:59.104 Please don't... Please don't eat it all. 00:25:59.266 --> 00:26:00.893 BEN: I won't. 00:26:04.354 --> 00:26:05.794 I wanna know where the weird shit is. 00:26:05.939 --> 00:26:08.533 Like, where are the animal parts that you think are trash, 00:26:08.692 --> 00:26:10.990 - but are actually food? - Chantry, I've been waiting 00:26:11.153 --> 00:26:13.406 for the right moment to, um, talk to you about this, 00:26:13.572 --> 00:26:16.542 but I think maybe it's better just to stop building it up and just say it. 00:26:16.700 --> 00:26:17.917 Okay. Is everything okay? 00:26:18.077 --> 00:26:19.920 Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah. 00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:22.252 Um, okay so we've been together five years, 00:26:22.414 --> 00:26:25.918 and it feels like our relationship is built to last. 00:26:26.085 --> 00:26:28.213 No matter what the future holds. 00:26:29.421 --> 00:26:31.924 I've been asked to take charge of the European negotiation. 00:26:32.382 --> 00:26:34.009 It's a six-month contract. 00:26:34.176 --> 00:26:36.520 Um, but the thing is, the team is based in Ireland, 00:26:36.678 --> 00:26:38.521 so I would have to live in Dublin, 00:26:38.680 --> 00:26:41.684 although I'd have to travel around the whole, um, continent. 00:26:44.019 --> 00:26:45.737 You mean the subcontinent, 00:26:45.896 --> 00:26:48.490 - but that's okay. - Right. 00:26:49.108 --> 00:26:50.951 Look, this is important to me, 00:26:51.110 --> 00:26:53.363 but there is nothing more important than you. 00:26:53.529 --> 00:26:55.748 So if you feel like, um, the long-distance thing 00:26:55.906 --> 00:26:57.453 is too much, I'll turn it down. 00:26:57.616 --> 00:27:01.621 This is a huge opportunity for you, right? 00:27:01.787 --> 00:27:03.664 Lead negotiator? 00:27:06.208 --> 00:27:07.648 BEN: I love you. CHANTRY: I love you. 00:27:07.793 --> 00:27:09.545 - Unh. WALLACE: - Go, Felix! 00:27:10.462 --> 00:27:13.432 Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it. I'm saying you'll get horribly sick. 00:27:13.590 --> 00:27:14.637 But it wouldn't kill you. 00:27:14.800 --> 00:27:16.177 You can eat your own poop, 00:27:16.343 --> 00:27:18.141 but if you eat the poop that you poop out 00:27:18.303 --> 00:27:21.182 after eating the first poop, it's so toxic, you'll die. 00:27:21.348 --> 00:27:23.567 So you can eat your poop once, but not twice. 00:27:23.725 --> 00:27:26.228 - Unh! NICOLE: - Hey, excuse me. Excuse me. 00:27:26.395 --> 00:27:28.944 Okay, where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament? 00:27:29.106 --> 00:27:31.746 (MIMICKING) Where'd you get beer at a children's karate tournament? 00:27:33.152 --> 00:27:35.780 (IN NORMAL VOICE) So, Wallace, we should get to know each other better. 00:27:35.946 --> 00:27:37.414 Talk about the issues of our time. 00:27:37.573 --> 00:27:41.043 Gay marriage, abortion, can men and women really be friends, 00:27:41.201 --> 00:27:43.078 or do you secretly want to bang Chantry? 00:27:43.245 --> 00:27:44.747 Thank you. She has a boyfriend. 00:27:44.913 --> 00:27:47.382 - Yeah, who you threw out a window. - By accident. 00:27:47.541 --> 00:27:50.010 Dude, listen, Ben is moving to Dublin, 00:27:50.169 --> 00:27:53.719 and your whole "if it starts dirty, it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways. 00:27:53.881 --> 00:27:55.724 The night I met Allan, I was so into him, 00:27:55.883 --> 00:28:00.480 it wasn't till I woke up the next morning that I remembered I had a boyfriend. 00:28:00.637 --> 00:28:02.355 Love is dirty, baby. 00:28:02.514 --> 00:28:03.936 Sometimes it's downright filthy. 00:28:05.225 --> 00:28:07.319 Oh, Christ. 00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:31.919 Hey. 00:28:32.085 --> 00:28:34.304 I need to wear something to this company dinner 00:28:34.463 --> 00:28:37.057 with our production partners from Taiwan. 00:28:37.216 --> 00:28:38.308 What do you think? 00:28:38.467 --> 00:28:39.719 I think that's quite a dress. 00:28:39.885 --> 00:28:42.638 CHANTRY: (WHISPERING) Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me? 00:28:42.804 --> 00:28:45.227 - No, nothing's too slutty for you. WOMAN: - Can I help you? 00:28:45.390 --> 00:28:47.859 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, actually, um, I would like to try on that dress. 00:28:48.018 --> 00:28:50.567 We only have the one left, and it's a size two. 00:28:50.729 --> 00:28:52.731 - Are you a two? - Yes. 00:28:52.898 --> 00:28:55.617 - I'm gonna get the measuring tape. - I'm a two. 00:29:00.322 --> 00:29:01.414 (GRUNTING) 00:29:10.374 --> 00:29:11.421 (FABRIC RIPPING) 00:29:22.511 --> 00:29:23.854 Aah! 00:29:24.012 --> 00:29:25.980 CHANTRY: (WHISPERING) Wallace? 00:29:26.723 --> 00:29:28.020 - Wallace! - Yes? 00:29:28.183 --> 00:29:31.608 CHANTRY: (IN NORMAL VOICE) Um, are you alone? 00:29:31.770 --> 00:29:33.147 Like, in the universe? 00:29:33.313 --> 00:29:35.111 No, in the hallway! 00:29:35.274 --> 00:29:36.366 Uh, yes. 00:29:36.525 --> 00:29:38.493 Okay, um... 00:29:38.652 --> 00:29:41.747 - Do you need me to get someone? CHANTRY: - No, no, don't get anyone. 00:29:41.905 --> 00:29:44.704 I need you to come in here. 00:29:44.866 --> 00:29:45.913 What? 00:29:46.076 --> 00:29:47.578 CHANTRY: I'm kind of stuck. 00:29:47.744 --> 00:29:51.123 So I need you to crawl under, but keep your eyes closed. 00:29:51.290 --> 00:29:53.167 - Really? Uh... - I am in a state of undress. 00:29:53.333 --> 00:29:55.053 - You need to close your eyes. - Okay, okay. 00:29:55.210 --> 00:29:56.837 Promise to close your eyes and keep them closed? 00:29:57.004 --> 00:29:58.881 - Yes, I promise. - Hurry! 00:29:59.047 --> 00:30:01.345 (SIGHS THEN GRUNTS) 00:30:01.508 --> 00:30:02.628 CHANTRY: - What? - I... No... 00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:05.199 CHANTRY: - Did you open your eyes? - No, I just banged my head 00:30:05.345 --> 00:30:06.597 because my eyes are closed. 00:30:06.763 --> 00:30:08.561 Okay, so here's what happened. 00:30:08.724 --> 00:30:11.398 I tried it on, and I think it got hooked on my bra or something, 00:30:11.560 --> 00:30:13.608 - and now I can't get it off. - Right. 00:30:13.770 --> 00:30:15.050 You're not gonna laugh, are you? 00:30:15.188 --> 00:30:17.737 - I can't even see what's going on. - Okay. 00:30:18.692 --> 00:30:20.035 Okay, um... 00:30:20.193 --> 00:30:23.697 - Are your eyes closed? - Yes. 00:30:24.865 --> 00:30:26.617 I think you need to move a bit. 00:30:26.783 --> 00:30:28.785 There, yeah. 00:30:41.006 --> 00:30:42.053 (CHANTRY SQUEALS) 00:30:42.215 --> 00:30:43.637 WALLACE: You're all right. CHANTRY: No. It's stuck. 00:30:43.800 --> 00:30:46.724 WALLACE: Okay, okay. Um, turn around, turn to me. 00:30:47.220 --> 00:30:48.847 Yeah. 00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:54.399 (WALLACE GRUNTING) 00:31:09.159 --> 00:31:10.502 - Thank you. - It's okay. 00:31:11.244 --> 00:31:13.042 Should I hold that? 00:31:25.509 --> 00:31:27.728 Here, hold this. 00:31:28.887 --> 00:31:30.855 And keep your eyes closed. 00:31:31.765 --> 00:31:33.608 (ALLAN MOANING) 00:31:36.728 --> 00:31:39.208 Oh, I love you so much, I wanna just rip off your arms and legs 00:31:39.356 --> 00:31:41.074 and carry you around in my purse all day. 00:31:41.233 --> 00:31:43.531 I love you so much I want to grind up your muscles 00:31:43.693 --> 00:31:46.367 and organs and bones and spread you on toast. 00:31:46.530 --> 00:31:50.660 Mm! I love you so much I want to just cut you open and scoop out your insides 00:31:50.826 --> 00:31:53.705 and wear your skin around town like an Allan suit. 00:31:54.162 --> 00:31:55.789 (BOTH MOANING) 00:31:59.084 --> 00:32:01.587 - Okay. Bye, Wallace. - Bye, Nicole. 00:32:01.962 --> 00:32:04.010 (TIMER DINGS THEN NICOLE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN) 00:32:05.924 --> 00:32:07.892 Can I talk to you about something? 00:32:08.051 --> 00:32:10.099 (NACHOS SIZZLING) 00:32:11.096 --> 00:32:14.316 I just had sex. I'm about to eat nachos! 00:32:14.474 --> 00:32:17.023 It's the greatest moment of my life! 00:32:17.352 --> 00:32:19.696 Unless you screw it up with whatever you're about to say. 00:32:20.063 --> 00:32:22.031 It's about your cousin. 00:32:22.190 --> 00:32:24.363 She's my cousin. It's like incest. 00:32:24.526 --> 00:32:25.698 Well, she's not my cousin. 00:32:25.861 --> 00:32:28.541 But you're like my brother, so it's like my brother asking my advice 00:32:28.697 --> 00:32:30.290 on how to incestuously bang my cousin. 00:32:30.449 --> 00:32:32.122 No, I'm not. She... She has a boyfriend. 00:32:32.284 --> 00:32:36.755 Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past five years. 00:32:36.913 --> 00:32:38.313 Okay, let me break it down for you. 00:32:38.457 --> 00:32:40.801 This perfect nacho chip is Ben. 00:32:40.959 --> 00:32:45.214 He works at the United Nations as an expert in international copyright law. 00:32:45.380 --> 00:32:47.348 This moldy banana is you. 00:32:47.507 --> 00:32:50.226 I have no idea what you do. Every time you tell me, I fall asleep. 00:32:50.385 --> 00:32:52.934 You know I write user manuals for dedicated purchasing software. 00:32:53.096 --> 00:32:54.143 (ALLAN SNORING) 00:32:54.306 --> 00:32:56.479 - Like copyright law is so exciting. - At least he's an expert in something. 00:32:56.641 --> 00:32:58.314 What are you an expert in? Nothing. 00:32:58.643 --> 00:33:02.523 "There are no people anywhere seeking my advice on any subject." 00:33:02.689 --> 00:33:04.942 Ben's been dating Chantry for five years. 00:33:05.108 --> 00:33:06.155 They live together. 00:33:06.318 --> 00:33:07.695 They own furniture. 00:33:07.861 --> 00:33:09.955 They have a cat. You have nothing. 00:33:10.113 --> 00:33:11.456 You don't even have a plant. 00:33:11.615 --> 00:33:14.209 You've been single since that douche-bag Megan 00:33:14.367 --> 00:33:15.647 broke your fragile little heart. 00:33:15.785 --> 00:33:17.753 Okay, okay. I broke up with Megan, all right? 00:33:17.913 --> 00:33:19.665 She wanted to stay together and work it out. 00:33:19.831 --> 00:33:21.754 I said no, so I dumped her. 00:33:22.709 --> 00:33:23.835 Of course you did. 00:33:24.002 --> 00:33:25.128 Anyway, I get it. It's fine. 00:33:25.295 --> 00:33:27.175 She's in a relationship. Nothing's gonna happen. 00:33:29.216 --> 00:33:31.310 You totally killed my sex nacho high. 00:33:31.468 --> 00:33:32.845 BEN: So... 00:33:33.011 --> 00:33:34.729 Keys, 00:33:34.888 --> 00:33:37.141 wallet, 00:33:37.641 --> 00:33:38.688 Passport, phone. 00:33:38.850 --> 00:33:42.104 Keys, wallet and... Yes, this. 00:33:42.646 --> 00:33:45.490 It's an open ticket to Dublin. It's a five-hour flight. 00:33:45.649 --> 00:33:47.822 It's already paid for, so use it whenever you want, 00:33:47.984 --> 00:33:49.531 even if it's just for a weekend, 00:33:49.694 --> 00:33:51.241 even if it's just for a day, 00:33:51.404 --> 00:33:53.156 even if it's just for a kiss. 00:33:53.698 --> 00:33:54.745 - Okay? - Mm-hm. 00:34:04.417 --> 00:34:05.760 (HORN HONKS) 00:34:05.919 --> 00:34:08.159 No, baby, baby, I got to go. I got to go. The cab's here. 00:34:08.296 --> 00:34:11.140 I'm so sorry. I can't miss my flight. 00:34:11.299 --> 00:34:13.597 Okay, I'm so late. Okay? 00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:15.637 Okay, baby? 00:34:17.305 --> 00:34:19.023 Goodbye. 00:34:21.017 --> 00:34:23.941 - Love you. - Love you too. 00:34:24.104 --> 00:34:25.822 Bye. 00:34:53.383 --> 00:34:54.430 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:34:54.593 --> 00:34:56.937 BEN: (ON RECORDING) Hey, it's me. Sorry I missed your call. 00:34:57.095 --> 00:34:58.517 I'm in Berlin. 00:34:58.680 --> 00:35:00.057 Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich. 00:35:00.223 --> 00:35:01.270 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:35:01.433 --> 00:35:03.811 Hey, I'm in Prague. I'm in Amsterdam. I'm in Florence. 00:35:03.977 --> 00:35:05.900 Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now. 00:35:06.187 --> 00:35:07.234 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:35:07.397 --> 00:35:10.196 I got your message. Cell reception in Athens is a mess. 00:35:10.358 --> 00:35:11.985 - Did you get my postcard? CHANTRY: - Hey, it's me. 00:35:12.152 --> 00:35:16.157 Why don't you call me right before you go to bed, even if it's a weird time here. 00:35:16.323 --> 00:35:18.075 I just want to hear your voice. 00:35:31.004 --> 00:35:32.884 BEN: (OVER PHONE) So I finally got my cast off. 00:35:33.006 --> 00:35:35.350 My arm's all smelly and shriveled. 00:35:35.508 --> 00:35:38.512 If I felt you up, it'd be like you were cheating on me with my evil twin. 00:35:38.678 --> 00:35:41.181 Please, tell me more about how you want to molest me 00:35:41.348 --> 00:35:43.476 with your creepy, rancid freak arm. 00:35:43.642 --> 00:35:45.064 You'd love Dublin, though. 00:35:45.226 --> 00:35:47.106 They've got us all staying in the same building, 00:35:47.228 --> 00:35:49.697 so the whole office is basically living together, 00:35:49.856 --> 00:35:51.608 but I've already made some good friends. 00:35:51.775 --> 00:35:54.324 It's nice, but I just... 00:35:54.486 --> 00:35:55.988 You know, I miss you so much. 00:35:56.154 --> 00:35:57.781 Yeah, I know, I... 00:35:57.947 --> 00:35:59.995 I really miss you too. 00:36:00.283 --> 00:36:02.786 Look, I got to go, okay? 00:36:02.952 --> 00:36:04.295 I love you. 00:36:04.454 --> 00:36:05.546 Okay. 00:36:05.705 --> 00:36:07.173 BEN: - See you. - Okay. 00:36:07.332 --> 00:36:09.812 BEN: - All right, speak tonight. - All right, talk to you then. 00:36:09.876 --> 00:36:12.299 BEN: - Bye-bye. - Bye. 00:36:12.462 --> 00:36:13.930 - Sorry. - No worries. 00:36:14.089 --> 00:36:16.717 - Black for you, milk for me. - Cheers. 00:36:18.343 --> 00:36:19.390 - Ah. - Yep. 00:36:19.761 --> 00:36:21.855 WALLACE: So is Ben settling in okay? 00:36:22.013 --> 00:36:24.482 Yeah, he's great. He's doing great. 00:36:24.641 --> 00:36:27.110 He's having a great time. 00:36:27.268 --> 00:36:29.987 Are you having a great time? 00:36:30.146 --> 00:36:33.867 Not really. I'm having kind of a crappy time, actually. 00:36:34.025 --> 00:36:36.699 - Sorry. - Yep, this, right now, 00:36:36.861 --> 00:36:39.034 this is the high point of my social calendar. 00:36:39.197 --> 00:36:40.665 Aw. See, that is sad. 00:36:40.824 --> 00:36:44.920 I know. I've been thinking about just starting drinking. 00:36:45.078 --> 00:36:46.125 - Yeah. - Yeah. 00:36:46.287 --> 00:36:47.334 - Heavily. - Heavily. 00:36:47.789 --> 00:36:50.588 Do you need someone to start drinking with you? 00:36:50.750 --> 00:36:53.173 - Really? - I'm very, very willing. 00:36:53.336 --> 00:36:55.304 You want to help me drown my sorrows? 00:36:55.463 --> 00:36:57.340 Of course. Absolutely. 00:36:57.507 --> 00:36:59.225 Done. 00:37:06.391 --> 00:37:07.438 WALLACE: Bottoms up! 00:37:07.600 --> 00:37:09.068 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:37:09.227 --> 00:37:10.945 - Unh! - Oh, my God! 00:37:11.104 --> 00:37:12.151 - Horrible! - Horrible! 00:37:12.313 --> 00:37:13.656 - As always! - And cheap! 00:37:13.815 --> 00:37:16.864 All right, prospective person at this bar for you. 00:37:17.026 --> 00:37:19.495 I don't think anyone I'd like would come to a place like this. 00:37:19.654 --> 00:37:20.701 You're here, Wallace. 00:37:20.864 --> 00:37:22.504 - Yeah, because you dragged me here. - So? 00:37:23.408 --> 00:37:25.456 Look at this girl. She's so pretty. 00:37:25.910 --> 00:37:27.207 Oh, uh, yeah. 00:37:27.370 --> 00:37:29.998 - Yeah? No, she's super pretty! - Yeah. Oh, okay. 00:37:30.165 --> 00:37:32.634 You want me to go tell her that you have six nipples? 00:37:32.792 --> 00:37:34.312 - Yeah. No, you know what? - All right. 00:37:34.461 --> 00:37:37.681 No, you know what? I'll do it myself. It'll be easier coming from me. 00:37:37.839 --> 00:37:39.199 - Thank you. MAN: - You're welcome. 00:37:39.257 --> 00:37:40.804 - I'm sorry, hi. Um... WOMAN: - Hi. 00:37:40.967 --> 00:37:43.140 Oh, wow. You've got amazing teeth. 00:37:43.303 --> 00:37:45.021 Um, sorry, can I buy this drink for you? 00:37:45.180 --> 00:37:47.979 Um, yeah, that's so sweet. 00:37:48.141 --> 00:37:49.313 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 00:37:49.476 --> 00:37:51.729 Um, so... 00:37:52.520 --> 00:37:54.522 Heh. Burn! 00:37:54.689 --> 00:37:57.192 CHANTRY: All right, weirdest place you've ever had sex. 00:37:57.358 --> 00:37:59.577 Um, bakery, night shift. 00:37:59.736 --> 00:38:01.909 I will never be comfortable eating a cupcake again. 00:38:02.071 --> 00:38:03.118 (WOMAN MOANING) 00:38:03.281 --> 00:38:05.659 - What about you? - Um... 00:38:05.825 --> 00:38:06.872 Ferris wheel. 00:38:07.035 --> 00:38:09.458 Stuck at the very top. We could see for miles around, 00:38:09.871 --> 00:38:11.214 but no one could see us. 00:38:12.040 --> 00:38:14.919 - Aah! - Yes! Oh, yeah! 00:38:15.084 --> 00:38:16.764 Thank you for being so gracious in victory. 00:38:16.920 --> 00:38:19.719 - Whoo! Uh-huh! - Hand clasp of champions. 00:38:19.881 --> 00:38:20.973 Rub it in. 00:38:21.633 --> 00:38:23.727 (POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:38:29.265 --> 00:38:32.314 So how many serious relationships have you actually had? 00:38:32.477 --> 00:38:34.571 Four! Two in high school, 00:38:34.729 --> 00:38:37.949 and one in college before Ben, and then Ben. 00:38:38.107 --> 00:38:39.575 - You? - Six? 00:38:40.151 --> 00:38:42.574 One in high school, one the summer after high school, 00:38:42.737 --> 00:38:44.614 three in college, and one since. 00:38:44.781 --> 00:38:46.749 No, sorry, two since. So seven. 00:38:46.908 --> 00:38:48.348 Are you usually the dumper or dumpee? 00:38:48.493 --> 00:38:52.464 Um, statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's not like I've never been dumped. 00:38:52.622 --> 00:38:54.795 I've just been really good at knowing when to get out. 00:38:54.958 --> 00:38:57.837 - You? - No, I've never dumped anyone. 00:38:58.002 --> 00:38:59.879 I always try to make it work. 00:39:00.421 --> 00:39:04.142 You know, I haven't hit the bar scene in, like, a very long time. 00:39:04.300 --> 00:39:07.270 I thought it was gonna be the worst, but that was surprisingly painless. 00:39:07.428 --> 00:39:09.522 I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight. 00:39:09.681 --> 00:39:11.775 Ah, well, you can't have it all. 00:39:11.933 --> 00:39:14.812 And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? 00:39:15.520 --> 00:39:17.320 Um, the worst thing that's ever happened to me 00:39:17.480 --> 00:39:20.484 is kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me. 00:39:20.650 --> 00:39:22.652 Megan, you met the other day, 00:39:22.819 --> 00:39:28.246 I burst in on her making out with our, frankly, gross anatomy professor, 00:39:28.408 --> 00:39:33.414 and I was like, "Wow, we actually are my parents." 00:39:34.122 --> 00:39:35.795 "We are almost both doctors, 00:39:35.957 --> 00:39:38.756 and we already started cheating on each other." 00:39:38.918 --> 00:39:41.967 So I got out of there, and yeah. 00:39:42.130 --> 00:39:43.598 So, in a way, that became 00:39:43.756 --> 00:39:45.804 the best thing that ever happened to me. 00:39:45.967 --> 00:39:49.562 So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you? 00:39:50.763 --> 00:39:55.018 My mom died when I was in junior high. 00:39:55.184 --> 00:39:57.186 Um... 00:39:57.353 --> 00:39:59.651 She had breast cancer. 00:40:01.441 --> 00:40:06.447 You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. 00:40:07.447 --> 00:40:11.293 Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. 00:40:13.953 --> 00:40:16.047 Can I change my answer? 00:40:16.205 --> 00:40:17.707 The worst thing that happened to me 00:40:17.874 --> 00:40:19.501 is saying my lame relationship drama 00:40:19.667 --> 00:40:21.214 is the worst thing that happened to me, 00:40:21.377 --> 00:40:23.471 when something really awful happened to you. 00:40:23.630 --> 00:40:25.098 It's okay. 00:40:25.256 --> 00:40:27.384 I like your answer. 00:40:27.550 --> 00:40:29.928 Plus, I get to be part of the worst part of your life now. 00:40:30.094 --> 00:40:31.516 That's really good. 00:40:31.846 --> 00:40:33.769 And for future reference, when the answer is 00:40:33.932 --> 00:40:36.560 your mom died of cancer, you should really go first. 00:40:37.393 --> 00:40:40.112 All right. Thanks for the etiquette lesson. 00:40:40.271 --> 00:40:42.023 No worries. 00:40:42.649 --> 00:40:44.367 Good night, Wallace. 00:40:44.984 --> 00:40:46.702 Good night, Chantry. 00:40:56.579 --> 00:40:58.752 CHANTRY: You know, he has all these new experiences, 00:40:58.915 --> 00:41:00.792 he's meeting all these new people. 00:41:00.959 --> 00:41:02.399 And then, "What's going on with you?" 00:41:02.543 --> 00:41:05.638 And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle of my same old life, 00:41:05.797 --> 00:41:07.845 except, whoops, my boyfriend's out of the country." 00:41:08.007 --> 00:41:09.054 TABBY: Ugh! 00:41:09.217 --> 00:41:11.640 So Dolly was telling us about this Wallace guy...? 00:41:12.553 --> 00:41:13.600 We're friends. 00:41:13.763 --> 00:41:17.267 Well, no, I know, obviously you guys are friends, but is he cute? 00:41:17.433 --> 00:41:18.685 Should you be introducing him 00:41:18.851 --> 00:41:20.649 to your single, desperate friends like me? 00:41:20.812 --> 00:41:23.065 No, no, I already called dibs on him. 00:41:23.231 --> 00:41:24.278 Why? 00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:27.319 He was supposed to be my rebound. That's why it didn't work with Noel. 00:41:27.485 --> 00:41:29.237 I needed a buffer between Rob and Noel. 00:41:29.404 --> 00:41:30.701 A buffer made of sex. 00:41:30.863 --> 00:41:33.241 GRETCHEN: You little prostitute. 00:41:33.408 --> 00:41:35.706 - Dalia, you barely know him. DALIA: - Well, you know him. 00:41:35.868 --> 00:41:38.068 You hang out with him all the time, so he's not a loser. 00:41:38.204 --> 00:41:39.724 He hasn't made some creepy move on you, 00:41:39.789 --> 00:41:41.917 so we know he's not a creep. He's vetted. 00:41:42.083 --> 00:41:44.962 TABBY: Well, is he funny or smart? 00:41:45.128 --> 00:41:47.130 He's definitely smart. He's not funny. 00:41:47.296 --> 00:41:49.173 He's, like, kind of, like, bantery. 00:41:49.340 --> 00:41:51.559 He's kind of like a male version of Chantry, actually. 00:41:51.718 --> 00:41:53.516 - Oh, wait, so he's Mantry? TABBY: - Oh, no. 00:41:53.678 --> 00:41:56.227 DALIA: - Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry. - No. No, We're not... 00:41:56.389 --> 00:41:58.733 TABBY: Dalia wants to have rebound sex with her sister's man-twin. 00:41:58.891 --> 00:42:00.814 ALLAN: Option one, make a move on her. 00:42:00.977 --> 00:42:02.650 Bold, direct. 00:42:02.812 --> 00:42:05.452 If you're lucky, you hook up, she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben. 00:42:05.606 --> 00:42:07.779 If you're unlucky, she's furious, ends your friendship. 00:42:07.942 --> 00:42:09.159 - So be sleazy? - Yeah. 00:42:09.318 --> 00:42:10.998 WALLACE: You think that'll work? ALLAN: No. 00:42:11.112 --> 00:42:13.991 Even if she goes for it, she'll resent you for getting her to cheat. 00:42:14.157 --> 00:42:16.125 She'll break up with him, but she won't go out with you because you're... 00:42:16.284 --> 00:42:17.331 - Sleazy. - Yeah. 00:42:17.493 --> 00:42:20.542 Option two, be the guy she goes to for advice. 00:42:20.705 --> 00:42:23.128 The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben. 00:42:23.291 --> 00:42:26.091 The upside is you can slant your advice to slowly turn her against him. 00:42:26.252 --> 00:42:27.299 - So be conniving? - Yeah. 00:42:27.462 --> 00:42:28.759 - And that'll work? - Maybe. 00:42:28.921 --> 00:42:30.423 Maybe she'll see through it and think you're... 00:42:30.590 --> 00:42:31.637 - Conniving? - Yeah. 00:42:31.799 --> 00:42:34.769 Option three, patiently wait it out. 00:42:34.927 --> 00:42:37.100 Either the distance gets to them and they break up, 00:42:37.263 --> 00:42:40.358 or it doesn't, and they get married, live a happy life, 00:42:40.516 --> 00:42:45.272 with you always on the outside, looking in, quietly pining indefinitely. 00:42:45.438 --> 00:42:47.156 - So be pathetic? - Yeah. 00:42:47.315 --> 00:42:48.362 That sounds fun. 00:42:48.524 --> 00:42:50.697 It's got the advantage of not being unethical, 00:42:50.860 --> 00:42:52.203 but the disadvantage of being... 00:42:52.361 --> 00:42:53.487 - Pathetic. - Yeah. 00:42:53.654 --> 00:42:57.375 So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic. 00:42:58.785 --> 00:43:02.415 Well, when you put it that way, it doesn't sound like very good advice. 00:43:02.663 --> 00:43:03.789 (ALLAN SHUDDERS) 00:43:03.956 --> 00:43:05.583 WALLACE: Aw... 00:43:06.334 --> 00:43:08.382 - Oh, my God. - Do you like it? 00:43:08.753 --> 00:43:10.755 Um, well, it's not my engagement ring. 00:43:10.922 --> 00:43:13.471 - It's whether she'll like it. - I think she'll love it. 00:43:13.633 --> 00:43:15.306 WALLACE: Then you're made for each other. 00:43:15.468 --> 00:43:19.063 Why'd you get all snaky when we were talking about Wallace earlier? 00:43:19.222 --> 00:43:20.724 I... Ugh. 00:43:20.890 --> 00:43:22.187 Come on. 00:43:22.934 --> 00:43:24.106 Look, you just, like... 00:43:24.268 --> 00:43:27.488 You don't have the greatest track record with guys. That's all. 00:43:27.647 --> 00:43:29.649 You think I'm gonna break his heart and mess up your friendship? 00:43:29.816 --> 00:43:30.863 No. 00:43:31.025 --> 00:43:32.698 So you think I'm not good enough for him? 00:43:32.860 --> 00:43:35.363 Obviously not. That's obviously not what it is. 00:43:35.530 --> 00:43:37.373 Some of us aren't as lucky as you and Ben. 00:43:37.532 --> 00:43:40.081 Some of us want a guy that doesn't make us feel like crap. 00:43:40.243 --> 00:43:41.290 There is a fourth option. 00:43:41.452 --> 00:43:42.624 - Yeah? - Be honest. 00:43:42.787 --> 00:43:43.959 Tell her how you feel. 00:43:44.122 --> 00:43:46.216 It might ruin the friendship, but at least you 00:43:46.374 --> 00:43:48.593 stood up like a man and expressed your feelings. 00:43:48.751 --> 00:43:51.254 Wait, I'm sorry. Since when does being a man 00:43:51.420 --> 00:43:53.013 involve expressing your feelings? 00:43:53.172 --> 00:43:54.719 Did I miss a memo? Because if I recall, 00:43:54.882 --> 00:43:57.101 being a man meant hiding your feelings forever. 00:43:57.260 --> 00:43:59.860 Like Bruce Willis. You never see Bruce Willis expressing feelings. 00:44:00.012 --> 00:44:02.293 The most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy 00:44:02.431 --> 00:44:04.231 - at the edge of a smirk. - Do you think Bruce 00:44:04.392 --> 00:44:06.941 would be happy just being friends? 00:44:07.103 --> 00:44:09.947 A hundred percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship. 00:44:10.106 --> 00:44:11.866 You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole? 00:44:12.024 --> 00:44:13.321 - Yes. Yep. - About everything. 00:44:13.484 --> 00:44:14.656 New Orleans, 2006? 00:44:14.819 --> 00:44:16.492 What was her name? Uh, Favia? 00:44:16.654 --> 00:44:19.032 Yeah, she did look like a woman, to be fair. 00:44:19.198 --> 00:44:22.042 Ninety-nine percent honesty is the foundation of any relationship. 00:44:22.201 --> 00:44:25.751 You know, it's not worth the risk, not if it means losing her as a friend. 00:44:25.913 --> 00:44:27.793 - Well, so then it's option five. - What's that? 00:44:27.874 --> 00:44:29.672 You move on. 00:44:33.671 --> 00:44:35.344 (CHATTERING) 00:44:44.599 --> 00:44:46.067 Hello. 00:44:46.225 --> 00:44:47.385 CHANTRY: Oh, hi. WALLACE: Hey. 00:44:48.644 --> 00:44:50.021 Hello, welcome. 00:44:50.188 --> 00:44:51.656 Welcome to our engagement party. 00:44:51.814 --> 00:44:56.741 We are so happy to have everybody we care about together in one space. 00:44:56.903 --> 00:44:59.281 Here's the thing, we both really want to get married, but... 00:44:59.447 --> 00:45:02.451 But we hate weddings. Every wedding I've been to has completely sucked. 00:45:03.034 --> 00:45:06.163 Sorry, uh, Aunt Cathy, Uncle Drew and Olivia. 00:45:06.329 --> 00:45:09.879 And we don't like long engagements, so we are getting married 00:45:10.041 --> 00:45:11.543 here, tonight. 00:45:11.709 --> 00:45:12.756 (CHATTERING) 00:45:12.919 --> 00:45:14.592 Zella is our registered civil officiant. 00:45:14.754 --> 00:45:17.382 NICOLE: Oh, and, uh, Mom, I got your wedding dress altered. 00:45:17.548 --> 00:45:18.595 I hope that's okay. 00:45:18.758 --> 00:45:20.431 Becky's gonna be Nicole's maid of honor. 00:45:20.593 --> 00:45:22.220 - Wallace... WALLACE: - Here! 00:45:22.386 --> 00:45:24.480 ...is gonna be my best man. Thank you very much. 00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:26.733 Everyone stay away from my Uncle Herman. All right. 00:45:26.891 --> 00:45:30.441 (APPLAUDING AND CHEERING) 00:45:33.356 --> 00:45:36.156 Okay, I... like, I don't need you finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious. 00:45:36.275 --> 00:45:37.715 - You look pretty. WALLACE: - Nicole? 00:45:37.777 --> 00:45:38.949 I've been sent to get an ETA. 00:45:39.111 --> 00:45:40.591 - Oh, is that Wallace? WALLACE: - Yes. 00:45:40.655 --> 00:45:42.407 Just come in. 00:45:42.573 --> 00:45:43.745 Oh, wow, you look amazing. 00:45:43.908 --> 00:45:45.160 Yes. Becky, seriously, 00:45:45.326 --> 00:45:47.203 if I don't get some alcohol, I'm gonna panic. 00:45:47.370 --> 00:45:48.997 WALLACE: - Hey, I'll go. - No, no, no, you stay. 00:45:49.163 --> 00:45:52.292 Becky's more nervous than I am, and frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go. 00:45:52.708 --> 00:45:54.460 You, stay, talk to me. 00:45:57.046 --> 00:45:58.218 (SIGHS) 00:45:58.381 --> 00:46:00.804 - So... - So? 00:46:01.509 --> 00:46:03.853 - So. - What? 00:46:04.011 --> 00:46:05.388 Why are you torturing yourself 00:46:05.554 --> 00:46:08.774 over a ten-second conversation with Chantry that would answer everything? 00:46:08.933 --> 00:46:09.980 It's your wedding day. 00:46:10.142 --> 00:46:12.440 - Can we talk about you? - Exactly. It's my wedding day. 00:46:12.603 --> 00:46:14.401 As best man, it's your job to keep me calm 00:46:14.563 --> 00:46:17.043 so that I don't crawl out that window and go and bang a sailor. 00:46:17.191 --> 00:46:19.614 - Where are you gonna find a sailor? - At the dock. 00:46:20.194 --> 00:46:22.492 God, what's the best-case scenario? 00:46:22.655 --> 00:46:26.080 "Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex forever until we die having sex"? 00:46:26.242 --> 00:46:27.482 That is the best-case scenario. 00:46:27.618 --> 00:46:29.666 Okay, and what's the worst-case scenario? 00:46:29.829 --> 00:46:31.229 "Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar." 00:46:31.330 --> 00:46:34.584 "This whole time, you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk." 00:46:34.750 --> 00:46:36.423 Anything involving the phrase "put your junk inside my trunk" 00:46:36.585 --> 00:46:38.303 actually would be the worst-case scenario. 00:46:38.462 --> 00:46:41.466 Look, the one thing I like about getting married 00:46:41.632 --> 00:46:44.135 is that you get to stand up in front of everyone you care about 00:46:44.302 --> 00:46:48.773 and state, for the record, that you believe in the best-case scenario. 00:46:49.640 --> 00:46:51.517 It terrifies me, 00:46:51.684 --> 00:46:53.402 but that's why the outfits are so nice. 00:46:53.561 --> 00:46:54.608 (DOOR OPENS) 00:46:54.770 --> 00:46:56.272 Okay. 00:46:57.356 --> 00:46:59.404 (MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:46:59.567 --> 00:47:00.910 - Thanks. - Cheers. 00:47:12.788 --> 00:47:14.165 (NICOLE WHOOPS) 00:47:14.332 --> 00:47:16.585 (CROWD CHEERING) 00:47:20.129 --> 00:47:23.599 ALLAN: I got her! She's mine! My wife. 00:47:24.175 --> 00:47:25.973 Yeah. Mommy! 00:47:26.552 --> 00:47:28.520 WALLACE: I can't believe no one stopped that. 00:47:28.679 --> 00:47:29.726 Nice. 00:47:30.473 --> 00:47:35.821 And I learned a lot of lessons that night about gambling addictions 00:47:35.978 --> 00:47:37.605 and identity theft 00:47:37.772 --> 00:47:40.446 and the Romanian legal system, 00:47:40.608 --> 00:47:45.580 but the most important lesson I learned was from Nicole, 00:47:45.738 --> 00:47:48.036 and it was about friendship. 00:47:48.199 --> 00:47:49.746 I love you, Nicole. 00:47:50.368 --> 00:47:51.494 Oh, so much fun. 00:47:51.660 --> 00:47:54.163 WOMAN 1: Yay! WOMAN 2: Yay. 00:47:54.330 --> 00:47:56.048 Look at you. You didn't even practice. 00:47:56.207 --> 00:47:57.459 DALIA: Whoo! Go, Wallace! 00:47:57.625 --> 00:48:00.003 CHANTRY: Go, Wallace! WALLACE: Uh, thank you, thank you. 00:48:00.378 --> 00:48:03.803 To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend... 00:48:03.964 --> 00:48:05.011 (MAN CHUCKLES) 00:48:05.174 --> 00:48:08.223 ...it seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour, 00:48:08.386 --> 00:48:09.763 let alone a lifetime. 00:48:10.346 --> 00:48:11.973 And then you meet Nicole, 00:48:12.139 --> 00:48:13.641 and that is the good news here. 00:48:13.808 --> 00:48:16.311 Um, if these two can find each other, 00:48:16.477 --> 00:48:19.731 then there truly is somebody for everyone. 00:48:19.897 --> 00:48:21.865 The bad news is that one day, they will procreate, 00:48:22.024 --> 00:48:24.652 and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the Apocalypse. 00:48:24.944 --> 00:48:27.663 But tonight, we celebrate the good news. 00:48:27.822 --> 00:48:31.372 I remember the night Allan and Nicole met, 00:48:31.534 --> 00:48:34.708 and that instant connection. 00:48:34.870 --> 00:48:36.918 You know, if you're lucky, 00:48:37.081 --> 00:48:38.298 it happens once in a lifetime, 00:48:39.166 --> 00:48:42.966 and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings 00:48:43.129 --> 00:48:44.802 and hear people like me talking about it, 00:48:44.964 --> 00:48:47.467 and assume that we are all hopeless romantics. 00:48:47.633 --> 00:48:48.680 Um... 00:48:49.760 --> 00:48:52.809 It's very easy to be cynical about love, 00:48:52.972 --> 00:48:54.474 but this, tonight, 00:48:54.640 --> 00:48:56.142 this is hard. 00:48:57.893 --> 00:48:59.611 Soto Allan and Nicole, 00:48:59.770 --> 00:49:01.693 for making the hard way look easy. 00:49:01.856 --> 00:49:04.826 ALL: Cheers! WOMAN 3: To Allan and Nicole. 00:49:06.902 --> 00:49:08.575 WALLACE: All right, thanks, everyone. 00:49:08.737 --> 00:49:09.784 Um... 00:49:10.364 --> 00:49:11.786 Yep. That's it. 00:49:11.949 --> 00:49:14.577 (POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS) 00:49:19.707 --> 00:49:21.926 (LAUGHING) 00:49:26.797 --> 00:49:28.640 Perfect timing. 00:49:50.196 --> 00:49:51.618 (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) 00:50:02.041 --> 00:50:05.420 Are you sure? It's so near here for me. 00:50:05.586 --> 00:50:08.339 Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about the door-to-door service. 00:50:09.507 --> 00:50:11.100 - Heh. - Okay. 00:50:12.426 --> 00:50:14.349 - Let me out? CHANTRY: - Sure. 00:50:14.512 --> 00:50:16.514 WALLACE: Unh. Oh, gosh. German cars. 00:50:19.141 --> 00:50:21.018 Good night. 00:50:21.727 --> 00:50:23.479 Wallace, you clean up nice. 00:50:23.646 --> 00:50:26.320 Yes, so do you. 00:50:26.482 --> 00:50:28.155 - Okay. - Good night. 00:50:31.529 --> 00:50:32.576 CHANTRY: Bye! 00:50:32.738 --> 00:50:33.910 - Bye. - Bye. 00:50:48.087 --> 00:50:50.590 Great. Thank you very much. 00:50:51.423 --> 00:50:53.266 Listen, 00:50:53.425 --> 00:50:56.099 I don't think it's a good idea for me to come inside with you. 00:50:57.179 --> 00:50:59.557 - What? - Heh. Don't get all mad. 00:50:59.723 --> 00:51:02.192 If you're gonna get mad, I guess we could make out, 00:51:02.351 --> 00:51:04.900 - but we are not having sex. - Uh, no. 00:51:05.062 --> 00:51:07.485 Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea. 00:51:07.648 --> 00:51:09.696 Why? Because I won't have sex with you? Pfft. 00:51:09.858 --> 00:51:11.906 That's really nice, Wallace. 00:51:12.069 --> 00:51:13.537 Uh, no, that's not what I meant. 00:51:14.029 --> 00:51:15.076 (CHUCKLES) 00:51:15.239 --> 00:51:16.661 I know, I'm just kidding. 00:51:16.824 --> 00:51:19.748 Oh, right. What part are you kidding about? 00:51:19.910 --> 00:51:22.629 - All of it. - I'm very confused by this conversation. 00:51:22.997 --> 00:51:25.045 Fine, let's go inside. 00:51:26.875 --> 00:51:28.752 (DALIA MOANING) 00:51:31.005 --> 00:51:34.976 - Dude, my sister. Sweet score. - Um, no, this isn't what it looks like. 00:51:35.551 --> 00:51:38.304 Well, okay. Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like. 00:51:38.470 --> 00:51:42.850 She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent genetically identical to me, so... 00:51:43.309 --> 00:51:47.314 Anyway, have fun making out with my sister. 00:51:47.479 --> 00:51:50.528 Um, actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this, 00:51:50.691 --> 00:51:52.659 you can be pretty much absolutely positive 00:51:52.818 --> 00:51:56.539 I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever. 00:51:57.072 --> 00:51:58.790 Bam! 00:52:00.492 --> 00:52:01.539 Ever! 00:52:02.453 --> 00:52:03.500 Um, I'm sorry. 00:52:03.662 --> 00:52:08.589 Dalia, I... Look, I think... I think you're great, but, um, I can't do this. 00:52:08.751 --> 00:52:11.800 Heh. Great? You think I'm great? I don't... 00:52:11.962 --> 00:52:13.805 I don't throw myself at guys, like, ever. 00:52:13.964 --> 00:52:16.934 I made an exception for you because you were cute, and you think I'm great? 00:52:17.092 --> 00:52:18.639 - Great? - Um... 00:52:18.802 --> 00:52:20.395 - Get the fuck out! - Sorry. 00:52:20.554 --> 00:52:21.897 - Um... - God, get your... 00:52:22.348 --> 00:52:23.748 - Get out faster! - Okay, I'm going! 00:52:23.891 --> 00:52:25.985 - Ow! - I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this! 00:52:26.143 --> 00:52:29.272 - Goodbye! - Jesus! 00:52:40.115 --> 00:52:41.708 (LINE RINGING) 00:52:43.827 --> 00:52:47.172 BEN: (OVER PHONE) - Hello? (WHISPERING) - Ben. Hi. 00:52:47.331 --> 00:52:48.833 - Hi. Are you okay? - Hi. 00:52:48.999 --> 00:52:50.592 It's the middle of the night there. 00:52:50.751 --> 00:52:52.094 (IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm really good. 00:52:52.252 --> 00:52:55.426 - I'm really just a little bit drunk. - Okay, but... 00:52:55.589 --> 00:53:00.060 And I'm wearing such a fancy, fancy dress. 00:53:00.219 --> 00:53:01.721 - I see. - Um, hang on a second. 00:53:01.887 --> 00:53:03.059 - But... - Hang on a second. 00:53:03.222 --> 00:53:04.895 Listen very closely, okay? 00:53:05.057 --> 00:53:07.435 - Okay. - Really closely. 00:53:07.601 --> 00:53:09.069 But... 00:53:11.647 --> 00:53:13.399 - Do you hear that? - Mm-hm, I can, but... 00:53:13.565 --> 00:53:17.945 That's the sound of me unzipping my very, very fancy dress... 00:53:18.112 --> 00:53:21.207 - Well, that's good news. - ...that I happen to be wearing 00:53:21.365 --> 00:53:23.868 really cute panties under. 00:53:24.034 --> 00:53:25.786 - You are? - And also, like, a bra 00:53:25.953 --> 00:53:28.957 that totally, totally matches. 00:53:29.123 --> 00:53:32.627 - Chantry... - Can you picture me in them? 00:53:32.793 --> 00:53:35.546 (WHISPERING) Hey, can you picture me out of them? 00:53:35.713 --> 00:53:37.340 I... I... I definitely can. 00:53:37.506 --> 00:53:41.056 The thing is, I'm just in the, uh, middle of the Brazilian presentation now. 00:53:41.218 --> 00:53:44.563 That's not to say I, um, don't fully support the concept. 00:53:44.722 --> 00:53:46.770 It sounds very interesting. 00:53:46.932 --> 00:53:51.654 And, um, I would love to continue discussing it at a later time. 00:53:51.812 --> 00:53:54.156 Okay, I'll confirm. Bye. 00:53:55.065 --> 00:53:56.237 (PHONE BEEPS) 00:53:57.443 --> 00:53:59.821 Sir. Please, carry on. 00:54:00.112 --> 00:54:01.659 - It's good? - Oh, yeah. 00:54:24.344 --> 00:54:27.314 DALIA: You never asked me what happened with Wallace the other night. 00:54:27.473 --> 00:54:30.067 CHANTRY: I'm respecting your privacy. 00:54:30.225 --> 00:54:33.024 He's a big, stupid, fat jerk. 00:54:33.187 --> 00:54:34.814 I hate him. 00:54:34.980 --> 00:54:36.277 Okay. 00:54:36.440 --> 00:54:38.067 He propositioned me. 00:54:38.233 --> 00:54:42.363 He said, like, dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do to me. 00:54:42.529 --> 00:54:44.497 Me, your little sister. 00:54:44.656 --> 00:54:45.782 That's so terrible. 00:54:45.949 --> 00:54:48.122 I know, and so I told him, "I'm not that kind of girl," 00:54:48.285 --> 00:54:49.753 and he just, like, flew into a rage, 00:54:49.912 --> 00:54:53.542 and he attacked me and tried to break all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out. 00:54:53.707 --> 00:54:55.709 So the cops had to come and pull him off me. 00:54:55.876 --> 00:54:57.628 - The cops came? - Yeah. 00:54:57.795 --> 00:55:00.674 And then he just shot them all in the face, and they all died. 00:55:00.839 --> 00:55:03.279 And some of them had kids and they'll never know their father. 00:55:03.425 --> 00:55:05.393 He didn't even care. He was just, like, laughing 00:55:05.552 --> 00:55:08.021 and shooting them all, and he had a huge chubby. 00:55:08.263 --> 00:55:10.663 And then he said he was gonna come to your house and kill you 00:55:10.808 --> 00:55:12.276 while you were sleeping. 00:55:12.434 --> 00:55:15.438 Yeah, that sounds exactly like Wallace. 00:55:15.604 --> 00:55:17.606 Have you talked to him lately? 00:55:17.773 --> 00:55:19.366 No. 00:55:20.484 --> 00:55:22.282 So he didn't say anything about me 00:55:22.444 --> 00:55:25.573 completely humiliating myself in front of him? 00:55:25.739 --> 00:55:27.707 No. 00:55:27.866 --> 00:55:29.493 He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk, 00:55:29.660 --> 00:55:31.628 and you shouldn't be friends with him anymore. 00:55:31.787 --> 00:55:33.915 Okay. 00:55:34.081 --> 00:55:36.254 Look how pregnant I can make myself look. 00:55:36.416 --> 00:55:37.884 (CHANTRY LAUGHS) 00:55:38.919 --> 00:55:40.262 You want to feel my baby? 00:55:40.420 --> 00:55:42.138 It's so hard. 00:55:42.297 --> 00:55:44.095 - Oh, my God, it kicked! - Shut up. Heh-heh. 00:55:44.967 --> 00:55:46.560 I'm gonna make you raise it. 00:55:46.718 --> 00:55:49.096 (BOTH LAUGH) 00:55:51.306 --> 00:55:52.353 HOLLY: I'm firing Josh. 00:55:52.516 --> 00:55:54.564 The Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him. 00:55:54.726 --> 00:55:57.570 On the plus side, I hear he's banging enough Taiwanese girls 00:55:57.729 --> 00:55:59.276 to qualify for the douche-bag Olympics. 00:55:59.439 --> 00:56:00.691 So there's a silver lining. 00:56:00.858 --> 00:56:02.610 That's, um, unfortunate. 00:56:02.776 --> 00:56:05.871 I need someone full-time in Taiwan to clean up Josh's mess. 00:56:06.029 --> 00:56:07.076 I want it to be you. 00:56:07.239 --> 00:56:08.839 I mean, this whole thing is your concept. 00:56:08.991 --> 00:56:11.031 If we had had you as project manager from the start, 00:56:11.159 --> 00:56:13.279 - we'd have saved a lot of time. - Honestly, I just... 00:56:13.370 --> 00:56:16.544 I don't even know if I would enjoy being the project manager, so... 00:56:16.707 --> 00:56:18.584 You get an apartment, car, language lessons. 00:56:18.750 --> 00:56:20.172 - Yeah. - Obviously a raise. 00:56:20.335 --> 00:56:22.015 I need your answer by the end of the month. 00:56:22.170 --> 00:56:25.470 And to be clear, this is the last time I offer you a promotion. 00:56:25.632 --> 00:56:28.101 Okay. I got it. 00:56:29.469 --> 00:56:30.516 Holly, um... 00:56:32.097 --> 00:56:33.849 I'm gonna think about it, I promise. 00:56:39.354 --> 00:56:40.526 (SIGHS) 00:56:40.689 --> 00:56:44.034 CHANTRY: So I was reading this thing about how, um, 00:56:44.192 --> 00:56:48.038 when, uh, they were trying to name Cool Whip, 00:56:48.196 --> 00:56:51.120 they came up with 10,000 ideas. 00:56:51.283 --> 00:56:53.627 Like, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas. 00:56:53.785 --> 00:56:55.465 And none of them were as good as Cool Whip? 00:56:55.621 --> 00:56:57.589 No, Cool Whip was the best. That's what they said. 00:56:57.748 --> 00:57:00.968 And they said, "Just try to, like, think of, like, ten of your own," 00:57:01.126 --> 00:57:05.302 just to see, like, um, how hard it is. 00:57:05.464 --> 00:57:06.886 - Cool Puff. - Puffy Whip. 00:57:07.049 --> 00:57:08.426 - Creamy Dream. - Zit Topping. 00:57:08.592 --> 00:57:09.969 - Angel Puff. - Angel Gas. 00:57:10.135 --> 00:57:12.763 Bruce Springscream and the E-Foam Band. 00:57:12.930 --> 00:57:15.058 - Puffin' Lovin'. - Dump That Puff on My Face. 00:57:15.223 --> 00:57:16.725 Whip-Master Cool and the Puff Brigade. 00:57:16.892 --> 00:57:18.412 NICOLE: - Ha-ha-ha. - Stuff Me with Puff. 00:57:18.477 --> 00:57:19.854 Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam. 00:57:20.020 --> 00:57:21.420 NICOLE: Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A. 00:57:21.438 --> 00:57:24.032 - Shove This Shit on Food. - Whip-Whippy-Whippy Pippitins. 00:57:24.191 --> 00:57:26.410 (ALL LAUGH) 00:57:26.568 --> 00:57:28.115 - So how many is that? - I don't know. 00:57:28.278 --> 00:57:29.871 - Yeah, it's not that hard. - No. 00:57:30.030 --> 00:57:31.657 - No. - Let's go swimming! 00:57:31.823 --> 00:57:33.370 (ALLAN GRUNTS) 00:57:34.159 --> 00:57:37.584 - I didn't bring my suit, did you? NICOLE: - No. 00:57:37.955 --> 00:57:40.208 ALLAN: We take our clothes off? NICOLE: Yeah. 00:57:40.374 --> 00:57:41.421 (GRUNTS) 00:57:41.583 --> 00:57:43.263 NICOLE: You gonna come get me? ALLAN: Yeah! 00:57:43.293 --> 00:57:45.466 Are you gonna come get me? Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha! 00:57:45.629 --> 00:57:47.723 ALLAN: Ow! You're hitting me! 00:57:47.881 --> 00:57:50.134 NICOLE: Ha-ha-ha! ALLAN: It's very warm. 00:57:50.300 --> 00:57:52.060 - Ooh! It's cold! It's cold! NICOLE: - Ha-ha! 00:57:52.177 --> 00:57:53.224 ALLAN: It's cold. 00:57:53.387 --> 00:57:55.185 ALLAN: (SINGING) It's cold! 00:57:56.056 --> 00:57:57.353 NICOLE: Allan! 00:58:00.477 --> 00:58:02.275 Ow! Don't! 00:58:06.984 --> 00:58:09.362 Do you want to go swimming? 00:58:10.779 --> 00:58:12.406 Yeah. 00:58:20.831 --> 00:58:22.128 Do you think it'll be cold? 00:58:22.290 --> 00:58:23.883 Yep. 00:58:54.698 --> 00:58:57.076 You've got a tattoo. 00:58:57.242 --> 00:58:58.994 Yeah. 00:59:00.495 --> 00:59:02.873 - Yeah, it's, um... - It... I know, it's... 00:59:03.457 --> 00:59:05.505 It's your mom, right? 00:59:08.879 --> 00:59:10.301 - Oh, God! - What? 00:59:10.464 --> 00:59:12.387 Something just... Something just touched my foot. 00:59:12.549 --> 00:59:14.017 - Okay. - No, it was really gross. 00:59:14.176 --> 00:59:15.678 WALLACE: - Okay. - It's not funny. 00:59:15.844 --> 00:59:16.891 WALLACE: That was funny. 00:59:19.931 --> 00:59:21.353 Oh... 00:59:25.187 --> 00:59:28.782 - Oh, wow. - Oh, yeah. Wow. 00:59:28.940 --> 00:59:30.066 (WALLACE CHUCKLES) 00:59:30.233 --> 00:59:32.327 CHANTRY: Wallace? 00:59:33.028 --> 00:59:34.496 WALLACE: Yes? 00:59:35.113 --> 00:59:37.332 I'll look if you look. 00:59:39.951 --> 00:59:41.294 Okay. 01:00:04.309 --> 01:00:06.403 Where are our clothes? 01:00:07.104 --> 01:00:10.699 WALLACE: - Did we drift further down? - No, the fire's right there. 01:00:12.692 --> 01:00:15.320 Yeah, they took our clothes. 01:00:27.582 --> 01:00:29.084 CHANTRY: Oh, God. 01:00:36.049 --> 01:00:37.847 The car is gone. 01:00:38.009 --> 01:00:40.262 God, how'd it get so cold? It wasn't cold at all before. 01:00:40.428 --> 01:00:42.180 It was, like, a warm night. 01:00:42.347 --> 01:00:45.442 Okay, um, you keep the sleeping bag and I will figure something out. 01:00:45.600 --> 01:00:48.069 No, I can't let you just, like, spend the night on the sand, 01:00:48.228 --> 01:00:51.107 like, all cold and wet and naked like a walrus. 01:00:51.273 --> 01:00:52.991 (LAUGHS) 01:00:53.150 --> 01:00:54.697 Do you think that's funny? 01:00:55.026 --> 01:00:57.245 Do you think this is, like, some hilarious prank 01:00:57.404 --> 01:01:00.499 played on us by our wacky pals? Because I don't. 01:01:00.657 --> 01:01:02.455 I thought you were trying to lighten the mood 01:01:02.617 --> 01:01:04.915 with a mildly amusing joke involving a walrus. 01:01:05.078 --> 01:01:08.048 I'm sorry if I misunderstood the seriousness of your walrus reference. 01:01:08.206 --> 01:01:09.423 Don't be an asshole. 01:01:09.583 --> 01:01:12.177 - I'm not being an arsehole. - You are. You are being an asshole. 01:01:12.335 --> 01:01:15.805 You're not taking this seriously, and you're treating it like a joke, and it's not. 01:01:15.964 --> 01:01:19.468 There is a line, a line that should not be crossed, and they crossed it. 01:01:19.634 --> 01:01:22.513 And you know what? Treating it like a joke is being an asshole. 01:01:22.679 --> 01:01:25.023 I'm not treating this like a joke, and I am not being an arsehole. 01:01:25.182 --> 01:01:27.150 Allan is being an arsehole, Nicole is being an arsehole, 01:01:27.309 --> 01:01:28.909 and right now, you are being an arsehole. 01:01:29.019 --> 01:01:31.021 Me? I'm standing here with a branch. 01:01:31.188 --> 01:01:34.863 A branch that cuts down zero percent of the wind-chill factor on my dick. 01:01:35.025 --> 01:01:36.785 I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag. 01:01:36.943 --> 01:01:39.071 How does that make me an arsehole? 01:01:39.821 --> 01:01:42.040 - Fine. - Fine? What does "fine" mean? 01:01:42.199 --> 01:01:44.998 Fine! It means we'll share. 01:01:59.966 --> 01:02:01.639 WALLACE: Ah. 01:02:06.640 --> 01:02:09.189 - Chantry? - What? 01:02:09.351 --> 01:02:11.649 They brought our clothes back. 01:02:27.494 --> 01:02:29.254 ALLAN: - I'll never doubt you again. - Mm-hm. 01:02:35.669 --> 01:02:38.172 NICOLE: Hey, you guys have fun last night? 01:02:42.884 --> 01:02:44.306 ALLAN: Hey. 01:02:46.721 --> 01:02:49.270 - Sleep well? WALLACE: - You're an arsehole. 01:04:00.045 --> 01:04:02.764 (PEOPLE LAUGHING) 01:04:06.801 --> 01:04:09.850 (BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH) 01:04:15.143 --> 01:04:16.190 CHANTRY: Ben. 01:04:17.437 --> 01:04:18.563 Chantry? 01:04:18.730 --> 01:04:20.170 (JULIANNE SCREAMS THEN CHANTRY GASPS) 01:04:21.691 --> 01:04:23.491 BEN: Julianne is part of the Argentinean team. 01:04:23.651 --> 01:04:25.574 She lives in the apartment next door. 01:04:25.737 --> 01:04:28.741 A bunch of us went for a drink after work, and I was just helping her home. 01:04:28.907 --> 01:04:30.387 Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything. 01:04:30.533 --> 01:04:32.080 JULIANNE: You need not worry about his fidelity. 01:04:32.243 --> 01:04:35.087 I'm not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl. 01:04:35.246 --> 01:04:36.793 Why didn't you tell me you were coming? 01:04:36.956 --> 01:04:39.755 Because I wanted to surprise you. 01:04:39.918 --> 01:04:40.965 Surprise. 01:04:41.127 --> 01:04:43.926 Okay, I need to go to my apartment now, 01:04:44.089 --> 01:04:46.933 and stuff old socks in my ears 01:04:47.092 --> 01:04:49.220 so I don't hear your lovemaking through the wall. 01:04:49.386 --> 01:04:51.263 And I'm keeping this meat. 01:04:51.805 --> 01:04:54.058 BEN: Good night. Sorry, you... You startled me. 01:04:54.224 --> 01:04:56.443 This isn't how I planned to welcome you to Dublin. 01:04:56.935 --> 01:04:58.312 Are you still startled? 01:04:58.478 --> 01:05:00.196 Should I get you some warm milk? 01:05:02.232 --> 01:05:03.859 Welcome to Dublin. 01:05:38.017 --> 01:05:39.860 (CHATTERING) 01:05:52.282 --> 01:05:55.081 So, um, I was reading this thing about, uh, 01:05:55.243 --> 01:05:57.803 how when they were trying to come up with the name for Cool Whip, 01:05:57.954 --> 01:06:00.154 - they brainstormed 10,000 ideas... - What is Cool Whip? 01:06:00.290 --> 01:06:02.543 It's a kind of processed cream. Comes in a spray can. 01:06:02.709 --> 01:06:03.756 - Ah! - Or in a tub. 01:06:03.918 --> 01:06:05.010 I've had the Cool Whip. 01:06:05.170 --> 01:06:07.639 I prefer the fresh whipped cream. 01:06:07.797 --> 01:06:10.558 Well, when they were trying to come up with the name for that product, 01:06:10.717 --> 01:06:13.470 uh, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas, 01:06:13.636 --> 01:06:17.641 and they said try to come up with ten of your own just to see how hard it is. 01:06:17.807 --> 01:06:21.482 Like Puffy Whip, or Whip... Wiffy Puff. 01:06:21.644 --> 01:06:23.692 Puffy Air. Whippy Air. 01:06:23.855 --> 01:06:26.153 Um, Cow Mixture? 01:06:26.316 --> 01:06:28.444 - Sweet Dreams? - Sweet Dreams. 01:06:28.985 --> 01:06:30.532 Cotton Vul-Candi-cow? 01:06:30.695 --> 01:06:31.947 It could be one. 01:06:32.113 --> 01:06:33.706 Cloudy Cow? 01:06:34.949 --> 01:06:38.328 So you must be really proud of our Benji. 01:06:38.495 --> 01:06:40.338 - Yeah. - He has the Brazilians on the run. 01:06:40.497 --> 01:06:43.626 Heh-heh-heh. You know he has the whole negotiation in his hands? 01:06:43.791 --> 01:06:46.089 We're so happy that he's able to stay another six months. 01:06:46.252 --> 01:06:48.596 And his Portuguese is really coming on. 01:06:48.755 --> 01:06:51.725 He's going to be so good by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro... 01:06:51.883 --> 01:06:53.403 BEN: I haven't accepted the offer yet. 01:06:53.551 --> 01:06:56.145 Obviously, I was planning on talking to you about it first, 01:06:56.304 --> 01:06:58.056 but I mean, I love it here. 01:06:58.223 --> 01:07:02.273 Not just the work. The people, the culture, the music. 01:07:02.435 --> 01:07:04.108 You never asked me to move here with you. 01:07:04.270 --> 01:07:06.193 When you got the job, you never asked me to come. 01:07:06.356 --> 01:07:07.983 I didn't want to ask you to quit a job. 01:07:08.149 --> 01:07:10.151 - And I mean, you never offered. - You never asked. 01:07:10.318 --> 01:07:12.992 Well, okay, I'm asking you now. 01:07:13.154 --> 01:07:15.373 I mean, there must be animation companies here. 01:07:15.532 --> 01:07:17.412 I couldn't do that to Holly. She's been generous 01:07:17.534 --> 01:07:19.161 giving me this week to make my decision. 01:07:19.327 --> 01:07:22.627 Okay, so take the job. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. 01:07:22.789 --> 01:07:24.132 You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here. 01:07:24.290 --> 01:07:25.382 We can meet in the middle. 01:07:25.542 --> 01:07:26.589 Like in Toronto? 01:07:26.751 --> 01:07:30.130 No, like Tel Aviv, Istanbul, Mumbai... 01:07:30.296 --> 01:07:33.140 It'll be a story we can tell our kids. 01:07:33.383 --> 01:07:35.886 - It's romantic. - Sounds lonely. 01:07:36.052 --> 01:07:39.898 Look, I'm just trying to make this work, okay? 01:07:40.640 --> 01:07:41.937 Don't you wanna make this work? 01:07:50.441 --> 01:07:52.910 Did you guys want to borrow some of my balls? 01:07:53.194 --> 01:07:56.949 I think someone sharted and it might be Mrs. Cole. 01:07:57.115 --> 01:07:59.584 Everyone, check. Check. Shart check. 01:07:59.742 --> 01:08:01.710 You can look it up on Urban Dictionary. 01:08:01.869 --> 01:08:05.373 Fail. You couldn't find that stone if it was in your kidney. 01:08:05.540 --> 01:08:07.588 I can see your back acne through your blouse. 01:08:07.750 --> 01:08:11.220 WALLACE: Look at you just drunkenly spewing out joy like a shit Santa. 01:08:11.379 --> 01:08:14.303 - Yep. WALLACE: - That's you now, yeah? 01:08:16.050 --> 01:08:18.348 Nicole's spending the night at Becky's. 01:08:18.511 --> 01:08:20.605 We had a fight. 01:08:21.222 --> 01:08:23.896 First fight as a married couple. 01:08:24.058 --> 01:08:26.026 Ta-da! You want a beer? 01:08:26.185 --> 01:08:27.732 Sure. 01:08:34.902 --> 01:08:38.202 So, um... 01:08:38.865 --> 01:08:41.459 I'm sorry, okay? 01:08:41.618 --> 01:08:44.371 I let Nicole talk me into it, even though I knew it was a bad idea. 01:08:44.537 --> 01:08:45.584 I'm not like you. 01:08:45.747 --> 01:08:48.546 I can't hook up with somebody if they're already with someone else. 01:08:48.708 --> 01:08:51.211 It's wrong. It was wrong when my parents did it to each other, 01:08:51.377 --> 01:08:52.879 it was wrong when Megan did it to me. 01:08:53.046 --> 01:08:55.014 It was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex. 01:08:55.173 --> 01:08:57.847 You don't think the fact that we got married kind of justifies it? 01:08:58.009 --> 01:09:00.809 Not unless you want to be married to someone who doesn't mind cheating. 01:09:00.970 --> 01:09:03.473 Hey, that's my wife, okay? 01:09:03.640 --> 01:09:06.985 Nicole talks a good game, but she's been hurt like everybody else. 01:09:07.143 --> 01:09:08.895 Her ex was a dick. 01:09:09.062 --> 01:09:10.439 He treated her real bad. 01:09:10.605 --> 01:09:11.652 It's complicated. 01:09:11.814 --> 01:09:14.533 All this love shit's complicated. And that's good. 01:09:14.692 --> 01:09:17.036 Because if it's too simple, you've got no reason to try. 01:09:17.195 --> 01:09:19.948 And if you got no reason to try, you don't. 01:09:20.114 --> 01:09:24.164 Oh. Oh... Wait, I just described you. 01:09:25.328 --> 01:09:27.171 You know what? Maybe you're right. 01:09:27.330 --> 01:09:29.958 But either way, you're an arsehole, Allan. 01:09:36.589 --> 01:09:38.432 Hit a three-pointer! 01:09:43.930 --> 01:09:45.432 (SIGHS) 01:09:48.226 --> 01:09:50.024 (KNOCKING) 01:09:53.648 --> 01:09:55.946 - Hi. - Hi. 01:09:56.109 --> 01:09:57.782 Come in or whatever. 01:09:58.111 --> 01:09:59.988 Uh... 01:10:00.988 --> 01:10:02.706 I just jogged over here to feed the cat. 01:10:02.865 --> 01:10:04.945 If I don't shower right away my pores get all clogged 01:10:05.076 --> 01:10:07.420 and I get this, like, zit nest on my forehead. 01:10:07.578 --> 01:10:09.546 So, uh, why are you feeding the cat? 01:10:09.706 --> 01:10:11.128 So it doesn't starve to death. 01:10:11.290 --> 01:10:13.839 - But why can't Chantry feed it? - Because she flew to Dublin. 01:10:14.794 --> 01:10:16.717 She flew to Dublin? 01:10:16.879 --> 01:10:18.802 Yes, of course she did. 01:10:20.091 --> 01:10:21.217 You like her. 01:10:21.592 --> 01:10:22.639 (DALIA SCOFFS) 01:10:22.802 --> 01:10:24.270 You like Chantry. 01:10:24.429 --> 01:10:26.589 Get in the shower. I can see your blackheads from here. 01:10:26.639 --> 01:10:29.392 No, don't get all snooty with me just because you're so busted. 01:10:29.559 --> 01:10:31.106 Look, I'm not in love with your sister. 01:10:31.269 --> 01:10:34.022 You are a nice-ish guy, 01:10:34.188 --> 01:10:35.235 and you're amusing, 01:10:35.398 --> 01:10:37.071 but Chantry loves Ben. 01:10:37.233 --> 01:10:39.782 They're gonna get married and live happily ever after. 01:10:40.361 --> 01:10:43.365 You're just gonna be this guy that she was friends with for a couple months. 01:10:43.531 --> 01:10:46.751 "What was his name...? Walter? I don't know." 01:10:46.909 --> 01:10:49.958 So you just need to do whatever you need to do to get over it, okay? 01:10:50.288 --> 01:10:52.837 Because it's never gonna happen. 01:11:08.473 --> 01:11:11.852 WOMAN: (OVER PA) Welcome to Dublin and thank you for flying with us. 01:11:29.494 --> 01:11:30.711 (DOORBELL RINGS) 01:11:32.622 --> 01:11:33.965 Okay. 01:11:39.504 --> 01:11:40.801 She's gone. 01:11:42.590 --> 01:11:45.844 Is she coming back? 01:11:50.515 --> 01:11:52.188 (WALLACE GRUNTING) 01:11:53.726 --> 01:11:55.728 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 01:11:59.941 --> 01:12:01.693 CHANTRY: (ON RECORDING) Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry. 01:12:01.859 --> 01:12:02.906 I'm getting on a plane right now, 01:12:03.069 --> 01:12:04.867 and I'm wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow 01:12:05.029 --> 01:12:07.999 at, like, noon, at the George Street Diner? 01:12:08.157 --> 01:12:10.501 Uh, there's something I want to talk to you about. 01:12:12.578 --> 01:12:16.424 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 01:12:16.582 --> 01:12:17.629 Taxi! 01:12:19.961 --> 01:12:21.008 George Street Diner! 01:12:22.213 --> 01:12:23.635 Shit! 01:12:27.969 --> 01:12:29.516 Excuse me! 01:12:37.061 --> 01:12:38.108 (EXHALES SHARPLY) 01:12:39.647 --> 01:12:41.149 (DOOR OPENS) 01:12:43.901 --> 01:12:45.903 CHANTRY: - Hi. - Hey. 01:12:47.238 --> 01:12:49.206 Oh, my God, what did you do to yourself? 01:12:49.365 --> 01:12:51.709 Oh, um, ninja attack. 01:12:51.868 --> 01:12:53.791 Oh! The stupid ninjas. 01:12:53.953 --> 01:12:55.045 - I know. - I hate them. 01:12:55.204 --> 01:12:58.003 Me too. Very annoying. 01:13:00.167 --> 01:13:01.840 Oh, thank you. 01:13:02.003 --> 01:13:03.846 I'm good. 01:13:05.590 --> 01:13:07.592 - How you doing? Heh. - Hi. 01:13:08.092 --> 01:13:09.810 So I went to Dublin, right? 01:13:09.969 --> 01:13:12.313 - Right. Yes. - Yes. Listen... 01:13:12.471 --> 01:13:14.071 There's a bunch of stuff going on with me 01:13:14.223 --> 01:13:16.772 that I haven't told you about because... 01:13:16.934 --> 01:13:20.029 ...I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is. 01:13:20.187 --> 01:13:21.780 Wallace, your face just looks terrible. 01:13:21.939 --> 01:13:25.614 Oh, no, don't worry about it, really. Um, what were you gonna say? 01:13:26.319 --> 01:13:29.698 Okay, so... Just that... 01:13:30.865 --> 01:13:34.790 I've been having to do a lot of big-picture thinking about... 01:13:35.453 --> 01:13:38.878 Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate because of your mangled head. 01:13:39.040 --> 01:13:41.134 What did you do to yourself? 01:13:41.292 --> 01:13:43.386 Did you hit yourself with something? 01:13:43.544 --> 01:13:44.921 Car accident? 01:13:45.087 --> 01:13:47.556 Did you walk into a door...? 01:13:50.051 --> 01:13:51.268 Ben punched me. 01:13:52.803 --> 01:13:54.976 I flew to Dublin. 01:14:00.436 --> 01:14:01.733 Why did you fly to Dublin? 01:14:02.563 --> 01:14:06.443 To tell you how I feel about you. 01:14:07.652 --> 01:14:10.246 - That's not why. - Well, I wanted to be honest with you. 01:14:10.404 --> 01:14:12.202 You could have been honest with me any time. 01:14:12.615 --> 01:14:16.586 You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben. 01:14:17.119 --> 01:14:18.712 Right? 01:14:19.038 --> 01:14:20.585 Uh... 01:14:21.457 --> 01:14:24.711 How long have you felt this way? 01:14:26.253 --> 01:14:28.676 Pretty much since the day we met. 01:14:28.839 --> 01:14:31.092 So... 01:14:31.258 --> 01:14:33.932 ...when I said "I have a boyfriend and I just want to be friends" 01:14:34.095 --> 01:14:36.295 and you said that's what you wanted too, that was a lie? 01:14:36.430 --> 01:14:38.683 - No. No. I wanted that to be true. - But it wasn't. 01:14:38.849 --> 01:14:41.068 - You never wanted to be my friend. - We are friends. 01:14:41.227 --> 01:14:46.028 I haven't just been trying to put my junk inside your trunk. 01:14:47.108 --> 01:14:50.282 I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy, but you're totally that kind of guy. 01:14:50.444 --> 01:14:53.244 God, he must think I'm such an idiot. You must think I'm such an idiot. 01:14:53.406 --> 01:14:54.686 - Of course not. - I trusted you. 01:14:54.824 --> 01:14:57.998 I trusted we were what we said we were: friends. 01:14:58.160 --> 01:15:00.128 But you can't be friends if you're skulking around 01:15:00.287 --> 01:15:01.967 waiting for some opportunity to screw them. 01:15:02.123 --> 01:15:04.171 No! Look... What are you talking about? 01:15:04.333 --> 01:15:06.711 I'm not... It's not like you've caught me 01:15:06.877 --> 01:15:09.756 bathing in orphan blood or masturbating in your kitchen. 01:15:09.922 --> 01:15:11.595 I just... 01:15:11.757 --> 01:15:14.556 I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on. 01:15:14.719 --> 01:15:15.766 It's not a crime. 01:15:16.554 --> 01:15:19.603 And if it is, you're not exactly innocent. 01:15:20.307 --> 01:15:21.604 What's that supposed to mean? 01:15:21.976 --> 01:15:24.980 You crossed all the same lines I did, and I was single. You weren't. 01:15:25.479 --> 01:15:27.698 I've never cheated on anybody. 01:15:27.857 --> 01:15:30.280 And now you're making me feel like I somehow cheated on Ben? 01:15:30.443 --> 01:15:31.535 Wait. Hold on. 01:15:31.694 --> 01:15:33.492 I'm making you feel like that? 01:15:33.654 --> 01:15:36.203 What, and you did nothing that I might possibly misconstrue? 01:15:36.365 --> 01:15:39.289 That night on the beach? "I'll look if you look"? 01:15:39.452 --> 01:15:40.920 I mean... 01:15:41.078 --> 01:15:42.438 What, did you tell Ben about that? 01:15:48.502 --> 01:15:50.004 That was a mistake. 01:15:50.171 --> 01:15:52.390 This was a mistake. 01:15:54.050 --> 01:15:55.097 - I'm leaving. - Please... 01:15:55.259 --> 01:15:57.603 - No, Chantry, please... - No, I'm leaving the country. 01:15:57.762 --> 01:15:59.002 - You're moving to Dublin? - No. 01:15:59.305 --> 01:16:01.524 I've been offered a job in Taiwan. 01:16:01.682 --> 01:16:03.025 I'm putting my career first. 01:16:03.184 --> 01:16:05.027 So I'll be gone soon, 01:16:05.186 --> 01:16:06.233 for a year. 01:16:06.937 --> 01:16:08.814 Maybe more. 01:16:09.398 --> 01:16:12.026 It's a really big promotion. 01:16:14.528 --> 01:16:16.496 Congratulations. 01:16:21.410 --> 01:16:22.457 See you around, Wallace. 01:16:36.008 --> 01:16:38.431 - Uncle Wallace? - Not right now, Felix. 01:16:38.594 --> 01:16:42.519 FELIX: - Can I talk to you? - Felix, I said not right now! 01:16:42.681 --> 01:16:45.025 I'm having a bad life. 01:16:47.019 --> 01:16:48.521 What are you doing that's so important 01:16:48.687 --> 01:16:50.689 that you don't have time for your nephew? 01:16:50.856 --> 01:16:52.233 I'm not the kid's dad, all right? 01:16:52.399 --> 01:16:54.697 - He's your responsibility, not mine. - Fine. 01:16:54.860 --> 01:16:56.112 I'm a bad morn. 01:16:56.278 --> 01:16:57.655 And when Felix grows up, 01:16:57.822 --> 01:17:00.245 he can blame me for all his problems 01:17:00.407 --> 01:17:01.847 and the circle of life can continue. 01:17:01.992 --> 01:17:03.585 I'm doing the best I can. 01:17:03.744 --> 01:17:06.418 Which is all any of us can do, except you. 01:17:06.580 --> 01:17:08.548 You are not doing the best you can do! You... 01:17:08.707 --> 01:17:09.799 (GASPS) 01:17:09.959 --> 01:17:12.553 What's wrong? What's wrong? Are you choking? 01:17:13.254 --> 01:17:15.097 Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you. 01:17:15.464 --> 01:17:16.807 Unh. Okay. Again. 01:17:16.966 --> 01:17:18.309 (ELLIE GASPS) 01:17:18.467 --> 01:17:19.810 - Big One! - Unh! 01:17:19.969 --> 01:17:21.016 WALLACE: Oh, God. 01:17:21.178 --> 01:17:22.225 (ELLIE PANTING) 01:17:28.060 --> 01:17:31.155 Ellie, you know you're not a bad mom, right? 01:17:31.313 --> 01:17:35.193 It wasn't my plan that you should be my son's primary male role model. 01:17:35.484 --> 01:17:37.578 But you are. 01:17:38.362 --> 01:17:41.787 DALIA: Mm... Mine. 01:17:42.575 --> 01:17:44.452 Gross. 01:17:44.618 --> 01:17:46.791 This expired months ago. 01:17:46.954 --> 01:17:49.173 Yeah, it's probably Ben's. 01:17:49.832 --> 01:17:52.506 So that's it? You're just gonna throw it away? 01:17:52.877 --> 01:17:54.845 Let me guess, we're not talking about salsa. 01:17:55.004 --> 01:17:57.177 I just think you're making a huge mistake. 01:17:57.339 --> 01:18:00.388 - You really think Taiwan's a mistake? - Yes, I do. 01:18:00.551 --> 01:18:03.145 I think you're totally screwing up your life, actually. 01:18:11.604 --> 01:18:13.231 (DALIA SIGHS) 01:18:16.734 --> 01:18:18.452 Or not, maybe? 01:18:18.611 --> 01:18:20.613 I just don't have any idea what I'm doing. 01:18:20.779 --> 01:18:23.578 I'm gonna be all the way over there, and I'm not gonna have anybody. 01:18:23.741 --> 01:18:26.836 I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna have all these responsibilities, 01:18:26.994 --> 01:18:29.292 and then... And you're gonna be so far away. 01:18:29.455 --> 01:18:30.707 And Ben and... 01:18:33.584 --> 01:18:35.837 And there's, you know... 01:18:38.047 --> 01:18:39.424 Wallace? 01:18:40.716 --> 01:18:42.468 Yeah. 01:18:43.636 --> 01:18:45.638 Yeah. Have you heard from him? 01:18:45.804 --> 01:18:49.058 No, but I think I messed it up really bad. 01:18:49.225 --> 01:18:51.648 I called him a liar. 01:18:51.810 --> 01:18:53.403 And I think that I might be the liar. 01:18:53.562 --> 01:18:55.360 - No. - Yes. 01:18:55.522 --> 01:18:58.241 I mean, I think it might count as lying if you lie to yourself. 01:18:58.400 --> 01:19:00.573 No. Come here. 01:19:03.155 --> 01:19:05.328 WALLACE: Everything might have turned out for the best. 01:19:05.491 --> 01:19:09.212 I'm, um... I'm going back to Med school. 01:19:09.370 --> 01:19:12.340 - I sent in my application today. - Oh. So you just gave up? 01:19:12.498 --> 01:19:14.296 Mm? No. 01:19:14.458 --> 01:19:16.301 I'm not giving up. I'm going... 01:19:16.460 --> 01:19:18.963 I'm getting back to the life I was supposed to have by now. 01:19:19.129 --> 01:19:21.803 When you're old and wrinkled and your penis doesn't work anymore... 01:19:21.966 --> 01:19:23.309 Not that it's in great shape now. 01:19:23.467 --> 01:19:27.973 But in that old, wrinkled, dickless future, will this seem like the right call? 01:19:28.305 --> 01:19:31.559 Yes. I'll think dropping out of Med school because of a girl was stupid. 01:19:31.725 --> 01:19:34.774 Not chasing after a girl who doesn't want me was definitely smart. 01:19:34.937 --> 01:19:35.984 I'm a doctor now. 01:19:36.146 --> 01:19:40.117 I've saved probably millions of lives, because I'm brilliant. 01:19:40.276 --> 01:19:42.199 I cured the zombie epidemic. You remember that? 01:19:42.361 --> 01:19:44.363 I found the cure, so you can all be grateful, 01:19:44.530 --> 01:19:46.703 shut up and stop questioning my decisions. 01:19:46.865 --> 01:19:49.664 ALLAN: Eh-eh. Eh... WALLACE: What? 01:19:49.827 --> 01:19:52.671 Well, it was supposed to be a secret, 01:19:52.830 --> 01:19:58.508 but loose lips over here knocked me up. 01:19:58.669 --> 01:19:59.966 - Oh, shit! ALLAN: - Ha-ha. 01:20:00.129 --> 01:20:01.631 You got a baby in you! 01:20:01.797 --> 01:20:03.757 NICOLE: - Yeah, I know. I know. - Congratulations! 01:20:03.841 --> 01:20:06.219 Oh, that means the Apocalypse has really started. 01:20:06.385 --> 01:20:08.729 - That's great! NICOLE: - Yay! 01:20:08.887 --> 01:20:11.936 And you're the first person we told, so you can't be mad at us anymore. 01:20:13.225 --> 01:20:16.274 You have to forgive pregnant people for anything they've ever done to you. 01:20:16.437 --> 01:20:18.314 - It's like a federal law. - Deal. 01:20:18.480 --> 01:20:20.528 Wow. I can't wait to meet this kid. 01:20:20.691 --> 01:20:22.989 NICOLE: Yeah. And... 01:20:23.152 --> 01:20:25.996 ...we're having a going-away party for Chantry, 01:20:26.155 --> 01:20:28.408 and you should come to it to say goodbye. 01:20:30.909 --> 01:20:32.206 No. 01:20:32.369 --> 01:20:35.088 No, we already said our goodbyes. 01:20:42.921 --> 01:20:44.719 (CHATTERING) 01:21:01.982 --> 01:21:04.405 - Wallace? - No. 01:21:09.990 --> 01:21:11.458 - It's nice. - So slutty. 01:21:11.617 --> 01:21:13.244 - No, it's not. - Yeah, it is. 01:21:40.521 --> 01:21:43.946 No, I think mine are normal and yours are tiny. 01:21:48.112 --> 01:21:49.580 (ALL LAUGH) 01:21:53.867 --> 01:21:55.307 GRETCHEN: I don't want you to leave. 01:21:55.411 --> 01:21:57.505 - No. - Me neither. 01:22:00.332 --> 01:22:01.675 I'm sorry I'm late. 01:22:03.961 --> 01:22:05.679 CHANTRY: Bye. Skype me. 01:22:05.838 --> 01:22:07.511 Be careful. Take care of yourselves. 01:22:07.673 --> 01:22:09.846 - I'm never gonna Skype. - Call me tomorrow. 01:22:10.008 --> 01:22:11.681 DALIA: Bye. 01:22:15.472 --> 01:22:17.474 CHANTRY: - Hey. - Hey. 01:22:22.354 --> 01:22:24.402 - How are you? - I'm great. How are you? 01:22:24.565 --> 01:22:26.784 WALLACE: - Good. - Good. 01:22:27.192 --> 01:22:30.992 Um, so your new job is going to be amazing. 01:22:31.155 --> 01:22:32.998 Um, and you get to live in Asia. 01:22:33.157 --> 01:22:35.159 - Yeah. - I hear Taiwan is incredible. 01:22:35.325 --> 01:22:37.544 Yeah, and you're gonna go back to Med school. 01:22:37.703 --> 01:22:38.750 Yeah. Yes. 01:22:38.912 --> 01:22:41.040 That is so great. 01:22:42.332 --> 01:22:44.050 You think so? 01:22:44.918 --> 01:22:46.920 No. Actually, I've always hated doctors, 01:22:47.087 --> 01:22:49.556 so I pretty much think you've become the Antichrist. 01:22:49.715 --> 01:22:51.558 Right. And Taiwan is shit. 01:22:51.717 --> 01:22:53.845 That was... Everything I said a second ago was a lie. 01:22:54.011 --> 01:22:55.729 And you're gonna have an awful time because 01:22:55.888 --> 01:22:59.108 - Chantry means "syphilitic woman." - Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. 01:22:59.266 --> 01:23:00.666 Well, at least it will be accurate. 01:23:00.809 --> 01:23:02.982 - Yeah, right. Exactly. - Yeah... 01:23:03.145 --> 01:23:05.694 So how long until you see, um, people just as, like, 01:23:05.856 --> 01:23:08.075 slabs of meat that you can cut up and sew back together, 01:23:08.233 --> 01:23:10.736 and not, like, actual people with, like, real feelings? 01:23:10.903 --> 01:23:12.423 Oh, God, hopefully as soon as possible. 01:23:12.571 --> 01:23:14.118 I mean, I've been practicing at night 01:23:14.281 --> 01:23:16.909 on tiny, defenseless animals and homeless people. 01:23:17.075 --> 01:23:19.475 Oh, good. That's actually what homeless people are there for. 01:23:19.620 --> 01:23:20.963 - Yes, I know. - Yeah. 01:23:21.121 --> 01:23:23.840 - They're all just bodies in waiting. - Especially for a sociopath. 01:23:23.999 --> 01:23:26.199 Especially for... Yeah, that... But that's been my goal, 01:23:26.335 --> 01:23:28.337 as you know: just to feel nothing. 01:23:28.504 --> 01:23:32.304 Yeah, it wouldn't be such a bad idea sometimes. 01:23:33.258 --> 01:23:34.510 - So Dublin... - It's okay. 01:23:34.676 --> 01:23:36.394 No, it's not. I'm really sorry. 01:23:36.553 --> 01:23:40.433 It was stupid, and I know Ben is a good guy and he didn't deserve that. 01:23:41.225 --> 01:23:43.774 - Yeah. - Yeah. 01:23:43.977 --> 01:23:45.229 So are you two okay? 01:23:47.272 --> 01:23:49.445 I'm not sure. 01:23:50.609 --> 01:23:52.828 About anything. 01:23:57.783 --> 01:24:00.707 So I got really creative when I was cleaning out my fridge. 01:24:00.869 --> 01:24:02.792 - Did you? - And, um... 01:24:02.955 --> 01:24:04.753 I, uh... 01:24:06.250 --> 01:24:08.252 I made you that. 01:24:15.884 --> 01:24:18.933 It's, um... It's Fool's Gold. 01:24:19.096 --> 01:24:24.193 I even coated the loaf in butter as you are supposed to. 01:24:24.351 --> 01:24:26.695 That's the real thing. 01:24:28.230 --> 01:24:29.607 I can't believe you did this. 01:24:32.401 --> 01:24:35.075 This is your going-away present. 01:24:35.612 --> 01:24:37.614 (PAPER TEARING) 01:25:02.055 --> 01:25:04.274 I don't know what to say. 01:25:07.769 --> 01:25:11.649 So I've thought a lot about something you said. 01:25:11.815 --> 01:25:15.365 About how, when you realize how quickly 01:25:15.527 --> 01:25:17.450 everything can fall apart, 01:25:17.613 --> 01:25:21.743 it makes you never want to give up anything good ever again. 01:25:22.784 --> 01:25:25.628 Whatever this is between us, 01:25:27.039 --> 01:25:29.292 it is good. 01:25:29.458 --> 01:25:30.505 It is so good. 01:25:30.667 --> 01:25:35.047 It is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, 01:25:35.213 --> 01:25:38.012 and I don't want it to be over. 01:25:42.471 --> 01:25:45.224 I don't want it to be over, either. 01:25:52.564 --> 01:25:55.283 I kind of wish, you know, like, 01:25:56.610 --> 01:26:00.285 we could invent a time machine or something. 01:26:01.573 --> 01:26:03.667 - If we ever invent time travel... - Yeah? 01:26:03.825 --> 01:26:06.749 ...I would go back to the night we met. 01:26:07.371 --> 01:26:09.840 - You would? - Yes. 01:26:15.045 --> 01:26:17.764 What would you do differently? 01:26:18.590 --> 01:26:20.263 Nothing. 01:26:23.387 --> 01:26:25.185 Me too. 01:27:00.632 --> 01:27:02.885 (PLANE ENGINE ROARING) 01:27:21.486 --> 01:27:23.784 Hey, Walter. 01:27:24.781 --> 01:27:26.374 - Wallace. - Oh, sorry. 01:27:26.533 --> 01:27:28.410 It's just so weird seeing you here. 01:27:28.577 --> 01:27:29.624 Yeah, really weird. 01:27:29.786 --> 01:27:31.546 - Where have you just come in from? - Taiwan. 01:27:31.705 --> 01:27:33.207 You've been in Taiwan this whole time? 01:27:33.373 --> 01:27:38.129 Yeah, I was, and then I was doing some traveling with my, um, fiancé. 01:27:38.587 --> 01:27:39.679 You got engaged? 01:27:39.838 --> 01:27:40.885 Uh, yeah. 01:27:41.047 --> 01:27:42.845 - Wow. Yeah, no, me too. - Oh! 01:27:43.008 --> 01:27:45.511 I don't know why I did that. I have nothing on this hand. 01:27:45.677 --> 01:27:47.600 So who is the incredibly lucky guy? 01:27:47.763 --> 01:27:50.812 He's just this dude who stalked me all the way to Taiwan. 01:27:50.974 --> 01:27:53.443 That's a coincidence. I followed my fiancée to Taiwan as well, 01:27:53.602 --> 01:27:56.151 but I made out with her sister first. I'm a bad-arse. 01:27:56.313 --> 01:27:57.530 Come here. 01:27:57.689 --> 01:27:59.066 (HORN HONKS) 01:28:00.525 --> 01:28:02.948 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! CHANTRY: - Aah! 01:28:03.403 --> 01:28:06.703 DALIA: I'm so happy you're home! 01:28:10.494 --> 01:28:11.586 (CRYING) 01:28:11.745 --> 01:28:12.917 She loved it. 01:28:28.470 --> 01:28:29.813 WALLACE: Mm. 01:28:30.388 --> 01:28:31.435 Three! 01:28:31.598 --> 01:28:33.566 (ALL SCREAMING) 01:28:33.725 --> 01:28:35.898 Oh, please, he's not even a real doctor. 01:28:36.061 --> 01:28:37.741 He's a real doctor. He finished his degree. 01:28:37.896 --> 01:28:40.936 - Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian. ALLAN: - It's legitimate medical training. 01:28:41.024 --> 01:28:42.947 - Wine, please. NICOLE: - Here, ask him. 01:28:43.985 --> 01:28:45.908 After you have a baby, if you eat the placenta, 01:28:46.071 --> 01:28:47.414 does it count as cannibalism? 01:28:47.572 --> 01:28:49.372 You know that's not a medical question, right? 01:28:49.449 --> 01:28:52.373 If a baby's hand is bigger than its face, will it have cancer? 01:28:52.536 --> 01:28:54.789 No, it just means your baby has massive hands. 01:28:54.955 --> 01:28:56.127 (BABY FARTING) 01:28:56.289 --> 01:28:59.543 - Oh. What's going on here? Hoo-hoo. - Oh, Jesus. 01:28:59.960 --> 01:29:04.887 Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write us a prescription or not? Oh, God. 01:29:05.048 --> 01:29:06.345 There goes my husband. 01:29:06.508 --> 01:29:08.306 I can't believe you have a husband. 01:29:08.468 --> 01:29:11.017 - It's crazy. - You're weirding me out. 01:29:11.972 --> 01:29:13.690 WALLACE: Hey. Oh. CHANTRY: So... 01:29:13.849 --> 01:29:15.289 WALLACE: Careful. Give me your hand. 01:29:15.392 --> 01:29:20.740 - You're up here alone, like a total loser. - Yeah, but who's the bigger loser? 01:29:20.897 --> 01:29:23.275 Me for escaping up here, or you for agreeing to marry me? 01:29:23.441 --> 01:29:25.409 - No, that's me. - Heh-heh. 01:29:27.070 --> 01:29:30.745 If I fell, do you think I'd die, or just become massively paralyzed? 01:29:30.907 --> 01:29:32.033 Probably just paralyzed. 01:29:32.200 --> 01:29:35.579 CHANTRY: You'd be so screwed. You'd have to stay married to me. 01:29:35.745 --> 01:29:37.292 If you didn't, people would be like, 01:29:37.455 --> 01:29:41.585 "He divorced his wife after she became paralyzed from the waist down." 01:29:41.751 --> 01:29:43.173 - From the waist down? - Yeah. 01:29:43.336 --> 01:29:45.576 So everything would still work down there, though, right? 01:29:45.714 --> 01:29:48.137 Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able to feel anything, but... 01:29:48.300 --> 01:29:50.394 I really don't even need you to feel anything now. 01:29:50.552 --> 01:29:51.912 I don't want the sex to be too good 01:29:52.012 --> 01:29:53.059 - right away. - Mm-hm. 01:29:53.221 --> 01:29:55.599 I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am 01:29:55.765 --> 01:29:57.688 so that it can just keep getting better forever. 01:29:57.851 --> 01:30:00.570 But, like, very slowly, over many, many decades 01:30:00.729 --> 01:30:02.481 so that we hit our sexual peak in our 903. 01:30:02.647 --> 01:30:04.524 Yeah. That's the plan, actually, 01:30:04.691 --> 01:30:10.789 is if the last time we have sex is also the best and that it actually kills you. 01:30:10.947 --> 01:30:12.745 That wouldn't be such a bad way to go. 01:30:14.492 --> 01:30:17.962 - We should head back soon, right? - Yes. 01:30:19.205 --> 01:30:22.209 Or we could stay here for another minute. 01:30:23.793 --> 01:30:26.216 Or maybe like forever.