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00:00:57.933 --> 00:00:59.853
MEGAN: (ON RECORDING) Wallace, whatever you saw,

00:00:59.935 --> 00:01:01.687
there's an explanation.

00:01:01.853 --> 00:01:03.573
I'm not saying
that it's a good explanation,

00:01:03.730 --> 00:01:05.858
it's obviously a bad explanation,

00:01:06.024 --> 00:01:08.243
but we can't just
leave things like this.

00:01:08.402 --> 00:01:09.995
You have to call me back, okay?

00:01:10.153 --> 00:01:11.913
Wallace, whatever happened,
I still love you.

00:01:12.072 --> 00:01:13.119
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:01:13.282 --> 00:01:16.502
AUTOMATED VOICE: This message
has been saved for 379 days.

00:01:16.660 --> 00:01:17.786
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:01:17.953 --> 00:01:19.796
Message deleted.

00:01:24.126 --> 00:01:27.847
(POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:01:31.842 --> 00:01:35.142
(CHATTERING)

00:01:47.357 --> 00:01:49.797
Yeah, that was supposed to be
an anonymous fridge magnet poem.

00:01:49.943 --> 00:01:51.445
And here I am quietly judging you.

00:01:51.612 --> 00:01:53.580
Oh, I can handle it.
I've humiliated myself

00:01:53.739 --> 00:01:56.162
much more thoroughly
in front of people I actually know.

00:01:56.533 --> 00:01:58.410
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

00:02:03.665 --> 00:02:04.712
(NEEDLE SCRATCHES)

00:02:04.875 --> 00:02:06.969
(POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:02:18.430 --> 00:02:19.727
I'm sorry, I moved your poem.

00:02:19.890 --> 00:02:21.938
I find this, like, weirdly addictive.

00:02:22.100 --> 00:02:24.780
WALLACE: Yeah, like face tattoos.
CHANTRY: Like peeing in the ocean.

00:02:24.936 --> 00:02:25.983
ALLAN: Oh.
CHANTRY: Aah!

00:02:26.146 --> 00:02:28.365
- Here it is. Here it is.
- Hi.

00:02:28.523 --> 00:02:30.283
- Oh, did you guys meet?
- Uh, kind of, yeah.

00:02:30.442 --> 00:02:33.286
ALLAN: Wallace, this is my cousin
Chantry. She's an animator.

00:02:33.445 --> 00:02:36.164
- Chantry, this is Wallace.
- You're Wallace?

00:02:36.323 --> 00:02:38.621
This is the first time
he's been outside in, like, a year.

00:02:38.784 --> 00:02:40.036
- Wow.
WALLACE: - Yeah.

00:02:40.202 --> 00:02:41.795
Yeah, you do look pale.

00:02:41.953 --> 00:02:44.456
I just assumed you were,
like, anemic or partially albino.

00:02:44.623 --> 00:02:46.703
- It's both, actually.
ALLAN: - He's been hibernating

00:02:46.792 --> 00:02:49.136
- like bear because of his broken heart.
CHANTRY: - Aw.

00:02:49.294 --> 00:02:50.894
Stop telling people
and stroking my face.

00:02:51.046 --> 00:02:52.172
(ALLAN CHUCKLES)

00:02:52.339 --> 00:02:54.717
CHANTRY: Anyway, um...
NICOLE: Do you guys know Becky?

00:02:54.883 --> 00:02:57.887
Uh, she's small, has brown hair, always
bragging about her eating disorder.

00:02:58.053 --> 00:02:59.305
I'm Becky.

00:02:59.471 --> 00:03:01.599
- It's been a while.
WOMAN: - Oh, hello.

00:03:01.765 --> 00:03:03.108
It's so good to see you again.

00:03:03.266 --> 00:03:04.643
That's just what she sounds like!

00:03:04.810 --> 00:03:06.483
Can I give you a tour of the house?

00:03:06.645 --> 00:03:07.692
(ALLAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

00:03:07.854 --> 00:03:08.901
Come.

00:03:09.064 --> 00:03:10.111
(BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH)

00:03:10.482 --> 00:03:11.699
CHANTRY: To be fair, um,

00:03:11.983 --> 00:03:14.031
I don't always like parties, either.

00:03:14.194 --> 00:03:17.198
Awkward small talk is not my forte.

00:03:17.364 --> 00:03:18.661
It's "fort," actually.

00:03:18.824 --> 00:03:22.124
"Forte" is Italian, it means "forcefully."
And "fort" is French for "strength."

00:03:22.285 --> 00:03:24.128
But I still say "forte" too.
If you say "fort,"

00:03:24.287 --> 00:03:26.927
everyone thinks you're getting it wrong,
even though it is correct.

00:03:27.082 --> 00:03:30.006
So is that, like, your thing?
Correcting people's pronunciation?

00:03:30.168 --> 00:03:32.262
- Yeah, that's my thing.
- How's that going for you?

00:03:32.421 --> 00:03:34.344
I have a dead-end job,
live in my sister's attic,

00:03:34.506 --> 00:03:35.598
and I never go out.

00:03:35.757 --> 00:03:37.517
Uh, correcting pronunciation
is my old thing.

00:03:37.676 --> 00:03:39.849
Actually, my new thing
is over-sharing.

00:03:40.011 --> 00:03:42.105
- Heh.
- Here, try some of Allan's beer.

00:03:42.264 --> 00:03:43.311
Thank you.

00:03:43.473 --> 00:03:44.833
You actually knocked yourself out?

00:03:44.975 --> 00:03:46.022
- I think so.
- Wow.

00:03:46.184 --> 00:03:48.027
And I'll tell you
something really weird.

00:03:48.186 --> 00:03:50.359
My face is, like,
permanently damaged.

00:03:50.522 --> 00:03:53.150
Like, if you look up here,
you can see there's, like...

00:03:53.316 --> 00:03:57.037
- I think there's, like, a dent.
- Sort of like, uh, Quasimodo.

00:03:57.195 --> 00:03:58.242
Yeah.

00:04:02.159 --> 00:04:05.379
So, um, I've got to go
to the bathroom.

00:04:05.537 --> 00:04:07.539
Do you need anything,
like some dental floss,

00:04:07.706 --> 00:04:10.209
or, you know, um, expired aspirin?

00:04:10.375 --> 00:04:11.501
No, but I've left
a matchbox in there,

00:04:11.668 --> 00:04:13.548
and I was hoping women
could leave pubic hair...

00:04:13.670 --> 00:04:14.717
(LAUGHS)

00:04:14.880 --> 00:04:16.848
Uh, I'll just go around with,
like, a party tray.

00:04:17.007 --> 00:04:18.224
No, they'll be in there.
It'll be fine.

00:04:18.383 --> 00:04:19.805
- I'm stuffing a pillow.
- Okay.

00:04:30.395 --> 00:04:31.738
(MOANING)

00:04:35.901 --> 00:04:38.154
WALLACE: - Oh. Hey.
- Oh. Hi.

00:04:38.320 --> 00:04:42.370
I was just, um, leaving
without saying goodbye, like a dick.

00:04:42.532 --> 00:04:47.083
Yeah. Yeah, that's totally
what I am doing as well.

00:04:47.245 --> 00:04:48.292
- Heh.
- Oh.

00:04:53.168 --> 00:04:54.670
- Where are you...?
- Oh, um,

00:04:54.836 --> 00:04:56.838
I'm just, like,
a couple blocks west.

00:04:57.005 --> 00:04:58.052
- Me too.
- Oh.

00:04:58.215 --> 00:05:01.515
- Uh, would you like to walk together?
- Um, yeah. Sure.

00:05:01.676 --> 00:05:03.599
Cool.

00:05:05.472 --> 00:05:07.520
I read in the tabloids
that she's a cannibal

00:05:07.682 --> 00:05:10.561
- and he faked Parkinson's for attention.
- I read that too. Crazy.

00:05:10.727 --> 00:05:12.400
Awful people. Really.

00:05:12.562 --> 00:05:14.485
Um, this is actually me here.

00:05:14.648 --> 00:05:17.777
Oh. Right. Um, well, hey,
I had a really good time talking to you.

00:05:17.943 --> 00:05:19.820
Yeah. Me too.
Which is rare, actually.

00:05:19.986 --> 00:05:22.239
I'm usually not that social, so...

00:05:22.405 --> 00:05:24.407
Well, um.

00:05:24.574 --> 00:05:26.827
Maybe you'd like
to talk again sometime.

00:05:26.993 --> 00:05:28.586
Yeah, definitely.
We should hang out.

00:05:28.745 --> 00:05:30.839
Yeah. It'd be lovely.

00:05:30.997 --> 00:05:33.546
Okay, so, I'm gonna
give you my number.

00:05:33.708 --> 00:05:35.210
- Okay. I will...
- Top secret.

00:05:35.377 --> 00:05:36.424
Good.

00:05:36.586 --> 00:05:38.714
I did not mean to stay out so late.

00:05:38.880 --> 00:05:40.427
No, me neither.

00:05:40.590 --> 00:05:43.639
My boyfriend will be worried about,
um, what happened to me,

00:05:43.802 --> 00:05:46.772
so, you know, call me.

00:05:46.930 --> 00:05:49.353
Yes. Thank you very much. Um...

00:05:49.975 --> 00:05:51.522
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

00:05:51.685 --> 00:05:52.732
- Cool.
- Good night.

00:05:52.894 --> 00:05:53.941
Good night.

00:05:54.479 --> 00:05:56.277
(SIGHS)

00:06:05.073 --> 00:06:06.120
(SIGHS)

00:06:29.306 --> 00:06:31.104
WALLACE: I had a good time talking to you.

00:06:31.266 --> 00:06:32.813
CHANTRY: Yeah. Me too.

00:06:34.978 --> 00:06:38.653
My boyfriend will be wondering
what happened to me.

00:06:48.116 --> 00:06:50.084
(CHIRPING)

00:07:12.933 --> 00:07:13.980
Hey, what's up, Felix?

00:07:14.142 --> 00:07:15.189
(THUD THEN ELLIE GRUNTS)

00:07:15.352 --> 00:07:17.275
- You all right?
- Just dropped an earring.

00:07:17.437 --> 00:07:18.859
Your dinner's in the oven.

00:07:19.022 --> 00:07:21.150
- Good night.
- What time will you be home?

00:07:21.316 --> 00:07:23.114
If the date is good, midnight.

00:07:23.276 --> 00:07:25.574
If the date is bad, 8.

00:07:25.737 --> 00:07:28.365
Uh, no treats, okay?
And no horror movies.

00:07:28.531 --> 00:07:30.204
And don't let him go up on the roof.

00:07:30.367 --> 00:07:32.167
And don't sell his organs
on the black market.

00:07:32.327 --> 00:07:34.079
Okay. I'm off.

00:07:34.245 --> 00:07:37.249
WALLACE: Take care. Have fun. Good luck.

00:07:39.793 --> 00:07:42.592
(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

00:07:44.631 --> 00:07:46.258
MAN 1: (ON TV) - Unh.
- Clear!

00:07:46.424 --> 00:07:48.597
All right, mate, close your eyes.

00:07:48.760 --> 00:07:49.886
MAN 2: (ON TV) Clear.

00:07:50.053 --> 00:07:52.055
Aah!

00:07:54.182 --> 00:07:56.401
Okay, you can open them again.

00:07:57.769 --> 00:08:00.022
(GROWLING)

00:08:00.188 --> 00:08:02.611
(DOOR OPENS)

00:08:04.734 --> 00:08:06.361
(CARTOON MUSIC PLAYS ON TV)

00:08:06.528 --> 00:08:08.701
(GROANS)

00:08:11.866 --> 00:08:13.709
(SIGHS)

00:08:13.868 --> 00:08:16.621
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)

00:08:20.500 --> 00:08:23.504
(MAN SCREAMING ON TV)

00:08:26.756 --> 00:08:28.633
(ELLIE SIGHS)

00:08:41.938 --> 00:08:43.815
CHANTRY: Thank you.

00:08:47.027 --> 00:08:49.029
NARRATOR: Nothing gave Buttercup
as much pleasure

00:08:49.195 --> 00:08:51.539
as ordering Westley around.

00:08:51.698 --> 00:08:53.325
BUTTERCUP: Farm boy?

00:08:53.491 --> 00:08:55.209
Polish my horse's saddle.

00:08:55.368 --> 00:08:58.042
I want to see my face
shining in it by morning.

00:08:58.204 --> 00:09:00.753
WESTLEY: As you wish.

00:09:02.709 --> 00:09:06.464
NARRATOR: "As you wish"
was all he ever said to her.

00:09:10.175 --> 00:09:12.018
Thank you.

00:09:22.854 --> 00:09:23.901
(HORN HONKS)

00:09:24.064 --> 00:09:26.533
MAN: Hey. Need a ride?
CHANTRY: Oh, hey.

00:09:26.691 --> 00:09:30.366
Hey. Um, no, I think we're okay.
Thanks. Yeah.

00:09:31.196 --> 00:09:32.664
Sorry, I didn't see you there.

00:09:32.822 --> 00:09:36.167
No, I also didn't see you
standing right next to me.

00:09:36.326 --> 00:09:37.623
Hi, Wallace.

00:09:37.786 --> 00:09:39.129
- Chantry.
- Yes.

00:09:39.287 --> 00:09:41.381
- I'm here alone.
- Me too.

00:09:41.539 --> 00:09:45.965
My boyfriend was supposed to come,
but he had to work late, so...

00:09:46.127 --> 00:09:47.754
I like seeing movies by myself, though.

00:09:47.921 --> 00:09:50.015
I think it's, um,
really cool you're here alone.

00:09:50.173 --> 00:09:52.141
Oh, yeah. Super cool.

00:09:52.300 --> 00:09:53.347
Yeah.

00:09:53.510 --> 00:09:55.888
CHANTRY: Seriously?
WALLACE: Yeah, seriously.

00:09:56.054 --> 00:10:00.230
I don't think you can have Princess
Bride as one of your favorite movies

00:10:00.391 --> 00:10:03.065
if you actually think love
makes you a worse person.

00:10:03.228 --> 00:10:04.650
Well, no, it's irrelevant.

00:10:04.813 --> 00:10:06.486
The Princess Bride
is a fairy tale.

00:10:06.648 --> 00:10:10.027
In fairy tales, love inspires you
to be noble and courageous,

00:10:10.193 --> 00:10:14.369
but in real life, love is just an
all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.

00:10:14.531 --> 00:10:20.083
You can lie and cheat and hurt people,
and it's all okay because you're in love.

00:10:23.248 --> 00:10:25.626
I don't know
if you are actually cynical,

00:10:25.792 --> 00:10:29.842
or just a super crazy,
romantic cheese ball.

00:10:30.004 --> 00:10:34.054
You go see Princess Bride by yourself,
on a week night, like a total loser.

00:10:34.217 --> 00:10:38.313
Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you,
and you still came all by yourself,

00:10:38.471 --> 00:10:40.565
- so who's the real loser?
- Are you hungry?

00:10:41.391 --> 00:10:43.393
CHANTRY: I can't believe
you ordered fried pickles.

00:10:43.560 --> 00:10:47.155
Pickles are disgusting.
Pickling is like embalming, basically.

00:10:47.313 --> 00:10:49.782
Like, a pickle jar
is like a tomb for cucumbers.

00:10:49.941 --> 00:10:53.115
I violated a tremendous amount
of corpses in medical school,

00:10:53.278 --> 00:10:55.372
so I know that pickling
is not the same as embalming.

00:10:55.738 --> 00:10:57.615
- You're a doctor?
- Uh, heh, no.

00:10:57.782 --> 00:10:59.125
- Med school dropout.
- All right.

00:10:59.868 --> 00:11:01.996
(CRUNCHING)

00:11:03.413 --> 00:11:07.043
The whole premise of deep-frying
is it makes everything taste better.

00:11:07.208 --> 00:11:09.506
- I don't like deep-fried food.
- French fries?

00:11:09.669 --> 00:11:11.467
- Eugh.
- Onion rings?

00:11:11.629 --> 00:11:12.676
- Fried chicken?
- Nope.

00:11:12.839 --> 00:11:13.886
- Fish and chips?
- Gross.

00:11:14.048 --> 00:11:16.176
Funnel cakes? Doughnuts?
Deep-fried banana sandwiches?

00:11:16.342 --> 00:11:17.935
No, but Elvis ate those.

00:11:18.094 --> 00:11:19.471
And something called Fool's Gold.

00:11:19.637 --> 00:11:21.157
- What is that?
- I don't know exactly,

00:11:21.306 --> 00:11:23.559
but I read on the Internet
that Elvis died

00:11:23.725 --> 00:11:27.150
with 40 pounds of undigested feces
still in his intestine.

00:11:27.312 --> 00:11:29.565
Thank you for telling me that
in the middle of dinner.

00:11:29.731 --> 00:11:31.529
- You're welcome.
- Next time I take a bite,

00:11:31.691 --> 00:11:34.035
- you can say "diarrhea."
- Diarrhea.

00:11:34.194 --> 00:11:35.834
Is this something
you learn in Med school?

00:11:35.987 --> 00:11:38.115
Yeah. They go through the...

00:11:38.281 --> 00:11:40.454
- All the famous people.
- All the famous people

00:11:40.617 --> 00:11:43.712
and how much feces were left in
them at the time of their death.

00:11:43.870 --> 00:11:44.917
- Marie Antoinette?
- Tons.

00:11:45.079 --> 00:11:48.299
In fact, they had to guillotine
her intestine as well as her head.

00:11:48.458 --> 00:11:52.088
Yeah. They just, like, moved the body
further along through the machine.

00:11:52.253 --> 00:11:53.675
Who do you think weighs the feces?

00:11:53.838 --> 00:11:55.215
I think, as the king,

00:11:55.381 --> 00:11:57.725
it would've been, like,
a job that people fought for.

00:11:57.884 --> 00:11:59.852
- Mm-hm.
- "Well, if I can't dress him,

00:12:00.011 --> 00:12:03.732
if I can't make him look pretty for the
casket, can I at least touch his poo?"

00:12:03.890 --> 00:12:05.650
- You think he kept a bit?
- I'm sure he did.

00:12:05.808 --> 00:12:07.401
In a matchbox or something, yeah.

00:12:07.560 --> 00:12:10.188
Like, one of those little vials
you could wear around your neck.

00:12:10.355 --> 00:12:12.824
Like, yeah, he had, like,
a little shit locket.

00:12:12.982 --> 00:12:14.199
- Heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Yeah, yes.

00:12:15.318 --> 00:12:19.039
CHANTRY: So, like, I've been
with Ben for five years, and, like,

00:12:19.197 --> 00:12:22.576
I get that guys don't want to hang out
with the girl with the boyfriend,

00:12:23.409 --> 00:12:24.877
but it just sucks, you know.

00:12:25.036 --> 00:12:26.788
It just makes you feel like
the only thing

00:12:26.955 --> 00:12:29.674
that's interesting about you
is how you look with your clothes off.

00:12:29.832 --> 00:12:32.836
I mean, like, it should be easier
to make friends if you have a boyfriend,

00:12:33.002 --> 00:12:34.675
because there's no confusion.

00:12:34.837 --> 00:12:37.090
Uh, so is that it?

00:12:37.257 --> 00:12:38.850
That's your big pitch
to be my friend?

00:12:39.008 --> 00:12:40.681
- Um...
- That was terrible.

00:12:40.843 --> 00:12:42.561
Yeah, I know, I know.

00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:45.394
I'm just...
I practiced in the mirror, and...

00:12:45.556 --> 00:12:46.933
- Anyway...
- Friends?

00:12:47.100 --> 00:12:49.228
- Yeah, why not? Friends.
- All right.

00:12:49.394 --> 00:12:51.396
Is this how you make friends?
Like a business deal?

00:12:51.562 --> 00:12:53.735
Yeah, actually. It's just my style.

00:12:53.898 --> 00:12:55.866
- It's quite unnerving, but it's good.
- Heh-heh.

00:12:56.442 --> 00:12:58.410
WALLACE: What's shaking, hot pants?

00:12:58.569 --> 00:13:00.867
You can't write,
"What's shaking, hot pants."

00:13:01.030 --> 00:13:04.500
Have you seen anyone wearing
hot pants in the last five years?

00:13:04.659 --> 00:13:06.787
That homeless man who shouts
at people near the pool.

00:13:06.953 --> 00:13:08.000
(COMPUTER DINGS)

00:13:08.162 --> 00:13:09.755
WALLACE: So I found this website

00:13:09.914 --> 00:13:16.172
where they explain what
Fool's Gold is.

00:13:16.838 --> 00:13:18.431
- You take...
- Heh.

00:13:18.589 --> 00:13:21.593
...a loaf of Italian white bread,

00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:23.386
you coat it in butter

00:13:24.178 --> 00:13:25.771
and bake it.

00:13:26.973 --> 00:13:28.065
(TIMER DINGS)

00:13:28.224 --> 00:13:31.478
Then you hollow out the inside

00:13:33.062 --> 00:13:39.115
and coat it
with an entire jar of peanut butter,

00:13:39.277 --> 00:13:43.373
and an entire jar of jam.

00:13:44.115 --> 00:13:48.120
Then you stuff it
with a pound of crispy bacon.

00:13:49.954 --> 00:13:54.755
The website said it serves
eight to ten people, or one Elvis.

00:13:56.127 --> 00:13:59.427
You know, a jar of peanut butter
has, like, 6,000 calories in it.

00:13:59.589 --> 00:14:01.136
And bacon is not even a food.

00:14:01.299 --> 00:14:03.552
Technically, it's just pure fat.

00:14:03.718 --> 00:14:05.220
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

00:14:05.428 --> 00:14:09.274
"[email protected],
re: just pure fat."

00:14:09.432 --> 00:14:12.902
"I can't confirm how much feces
were in Elvis's colon when he died,

00:14:13.061 --> 00:14:16.406
but I did find out
how he discovered Fool's Gold."

00:14:16.564 --> 00:14:18.111
They get on the jet, private jet,

00:14:18.274 --> 00:14:20.072
fly to Denver, get to Denver,

00:14:20.234 --> 00:14:22.532
order Fool's Gold sandwiches
to be delivered to the plane,

00:14:22.695 --> 00:14:25.335
eat them, fly back to Graceland
without ever getting off the plane.

00:14:25.490 --> 00:14:28.710
- Wow.
- And the best part is,

00:14:28.868 --> 00:14:33.590
February 1, 1976?
The day my parents got married.

00:14:35.041 --> 00:14:37.635
- Oh, no! Wallace!
WALLACE: - Come on.

00:14:37.794 --> 00:14:40.217
CHANTRY: Got it!
WALLACE: Mail storm!

00:15:13.413 --> 00:15:14.539
(SIGHS)

00:15:14.705 --> 00:15:16.548
(MOUSE CLICKS)

00:15:16.707 --> 00:15:18.801
ALLAN: It starts dirty, it ends dirty.

00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.305
A relationship that starts with a breakup
is doomed to end with a breakup.

00:15:22.463 --> 00:15:23.589
- Who said that?
- Me.

00:15:23.756 --> 00:15:27.511
You, after Vicky Cardero gave me
a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party

00:15:27.677 --> 00:15:30.277
- and I wanted to ask her out.
- I recall you ignored that advice.

00:15:30.430 --> 00:15:32.148
- What was the result?
- It ended dirty.

00:15:32.306 --> 00:15:33.586
Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.

00:15:33.724 --> 00:15:36.694
This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight.
I'm not trying to break them up.

00:15:36.853 --> 00:15:40.323
I just... I'm happy
just being friends with her.

00:15:41.190 --> 00:15:43.568
Is this a good
housewarming gift for Nicole?

00:15:43.734 --> 00:15:45.111
Why are you buying her a gift?

00:15:45.278 --> 00:15:46.871
She's moving into your house.

00:15:47.029 --> 00:15:49.908
Girls are weird about this sort of stuff,
and I'd rather overcompensate.

00:15:50.450 --> 00:15:52.293
How much for the flying moose?

00:15:52.452 --> 00:15:53.999
This dinner is a terrible idea.

00:15:54.162 --> 00:15:57.587
Normally, I wouldn't care about you
tumbling into some mess with a girl.

00:15:57.748 --> 00:15:59.546
I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny

00:15:59.709 --> 00:16:02.553
but mathematical possible chance
of a threesome, but this is my cousin.

00:16:02.712 --> 00:16:04.464
I accidentally saw her labia one time,

00:16:04.630 --> 00:16:06.098
immediately, explosive diarrhea.

00:16:06.257 --> 00:16:08.760
Oh, but you are misreading
this whole situation,

00:16:08.926 --> 00:16:11.770
because you can't interact with
a woman without sex screwing it up.

00:16:11.929 --> 00:16:13.522
But I can, because I'm a grown-up.

00:16:13.681 --> 00:16:15.729
And it's so adorable
that you really believe that.

00:16:15.892 --> 00:16:18.111
More importantly,
if this was your bedside lamp,

00:16:18.269 --> 00:16:21.273
do you think the warm glow would make
you feel more sexually experimental?

00:16:21.981 --> 00:16:24.359
- Absolutely.
- What do you think?

00:16:24.775 --> 00:16:26.777
I've got the same one at home.

00:16:29.947 --> 00:16:32.666
DALIA: It's the worst thing
that's ever happened in all of history.

00:16:32.950 --> 00:16:36.079
Was it worse than when that meteor
hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?

00:16:36.245 --> 00:16:39.499
Yes. My breakup is definitely
worse than a stupid meteor.

00:16:39.665 --> 00:16:41.425
I just can't believe
that Rob cheated on you.

00:16:41.584 --> 00:16:43.757
- With a grad student!
- No, I know.

00:16:43.920 --> 00:16:47.094
Her thesis is probably
on how to be a rat-faced whore.

00:16:47.256 --> 00:16:49.475
And I really liked him.
I'm so sorry.

00:16:49.634 --> 00:16:53.684
I liked him so much, I don't even want to
sleep with his friends to get back at him.

00:16:53.846 --> 00:16:55.598
I mean, I will,
but I'm not gonna enjoy it.

00:16:55.765 --> 00:16:59.770
Do you think there might be, like,
a less skanky option for rebounding?

00:16:59.936 --> 00:17:01.438
No. This is something
you have to do.

00:17:01.604 --> 00:17:03.026
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

00:17:03.189 --> 00:17:06.864
- I don't want to wreck your dinner party.
- No, no, it's not a dinner party.

00:17:07.026 --> 00:17:08.619
It's just, like, my friend, Wallace.

00:17:08.778 --> 00:17:11.497
Stay. This Wallace guy
could be a good rebound for you.

00:17:13.407 --> 00:17:14.579
Okay.

00:17:14.742 --> 00:17:17.495
Please, go easy on him.
He's delicate.

00:17:17.662 --> 00:17:19.881
- Hi!
WALLACE: - Hi.

00:17:20.039 --> 00:17:22.292
- Hey. I brought booze.
- Thank you! That's so nice.

00:17:22.458 --> 00:17:24.578
WALLACE: - You're welcome.
- You can take your coat off.

00:17:24.585 --> 00:17:25.802
I will. Thank you very much.

00:17:25.962 --> 00:17:27.682
Well, this place
looks just like I imagined.

00:17:27.838 --> 00:17:29.090
- Really?
- Well, I mean,

00:17:29.257 --> 00:17:32.352
yeah, I pictured more potpourri
and doilies and stuffed animals

00:17:32.510 --> 00:17:34.808
- and things, knowing you, but, yeah...
- I put that away.

00:17:34.971 --> 00:17:36.689
I know that it weirds you out.

00:17:36.847 --> 00:17:39.225
Ben, Wallace is here.

00:17:39.392 --> 00:17:41.315
WALLACE: - Hi.
- Hey, Wallace. How are you?

00:17:41.477 --> 00:17:42.524
Hi.

00:17:42.687 --> 00:17:44.735
Oh. Oh. Sorry.

00:17:44.897 --> 00:17:47.241
- No worries.
BEN: - Let me dry off my hands.

00:17:47.567 --> 00:17:49.848
- Thanks for coming by.
- No. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

00:17:49.986 --> 00:17:51.579
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.

00:17:51.737 --> 00:17:54.331
Oh, um, Wallace,
this is my sister, Dalia.

00:17:54.490 --> 00:17:55.537
WALLACE: - Nice to...
- Nice to meet you.

00:17:55.700 --> 00:17:56.997
WALLACE: - Oh. Hello.
- Hi.

00:17:57.159 --> 00:17:58.206
(DALIA SNIFFS)

00:17:58.369 --> 00:17:59.837
- You smell really good.
- Really?

00:17:59.996 --> 00:18:02.196
Yeah. Or maybe
it just smells really bad in here, right?

00:18:02.331 --> 00:18:05.130
No, he smells great.
But it is getting kind of oniony in here.

00:18:05.293 --> 00:18:08.012
- Can someone open the window?
- Yeah, I'll get it.

00:18:08.170 --> 00:18:10.138
CHANTRY: Right over there.

00:18:10.298 --> 00:18:12.458
So, Wallace, I'd like to get
your opinion on something.

00:18:12.592 --> 00:18:14.344
- Uh, yeah?
- Europe.

00:18:14.510 --> 00:18:15.978
The...? The continent?

00:18:16.137 --> 00:18:17.184
- See?
BEN: - Is it?

00:18:17.346 --> 00:18:18.939
- Is it?
CHANTRY: - Yes, it is a Cont...

00:18:19.098 --> 00:18:20.725
BEN: - Is it a continent?
- It is.

00:18:20.891 --> 00:18:22.689
He is from that continent,
he should know.

00:18:22.852 --> 00:18:24.354
Okay, look at a map, any map,

00:18:24.520 --> 00:18:26.920
Europe's not a separate continent,
it's clearly part of Asia.

00:18:27.064 --> 00:18:31.991
Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't
a continent, then why is it a continent?

00:18:32.153 --> 00:18:34.906
Because Europeans were the ones
who decided what the continents are,

00:18:35.072 --> 00:18:39.043
and they didn't want to get lumped in
with all the, you know, Asians.

00:18:39.201 --> 00:18:43.251
Ben is trying to change the world
from the inside out.

00:18:43.414 --> 00:18:45.462
Okay? Eurasia.
That's what they should call it.

00:18:45.625 --> 00:18:48.424
- Europe plus Asia: Eurasia.
WALLACE: - Okay.

00:18:48.586 --> 00:18:50.930
- Who wants more wine?
CHANTRY: - I do. Please.

00:18:51.088 --> 00:18:52.368
- Um, in my glass.
DALIA: - Here.

00:18:52.506 --> 00:18:55.055
And so, um, Ben, what is it exactly
that you do at the UN?

00:18:55.217 --> 00:18:58.187
I'm part of an international consortium
of lawyers with a UN mandate

00:18:58.346 --> 00:19:00.346
- to negotiate copyright standards.
WALLACE: - Wow.

00:19:00.431 --> 00:19:02.831
More importantly, are you trying
to sleep with my girlfriend?

00:19:03.434 --> 00:19:05.687
CHANTRY: Ben was working late
and Allan invited me...

00:19:05.853 --> 00:19:08.948
Uh, don't worry,
we're just talking "guy," okay?

00:19:09.106 --> 00:19:11.529
They think we're talking about
international copyright law.

00:19:11.692 --> 00:19:12.818
Okay.

00:19:12.985 --> 00:19:15.989
Now, look, I have no problem with the
concept of Chantry having guy friends,

00:19:16.155 --> 00:19:17.532
but if you're trying to move in...

00:19:17.698 --> 00:19:19.166
No, no, God, I wouldn't do that.

00:19:19.325 --> 00:19:21.293
I just want to be friends with her.
And with you.

00:19:21.452 --> 00:19:23.671
Friends is fine. Okay?
I can do friends.

00:19:23.829 --> 00:19:26.628
But you better not try
and put your penis anywhere near her.

00:19:26.791 --> 00:19:28.839
- Okay.
- Every country has different laws,

00:19:29.001 --> 00:19:32.175
so it's a logistical nightmare, but
I think it's important work, you know?

00:19:32.338 --> 00:19:35.467
- I think it's worth it.
- That is impressive. Very impressive.

00:19:38.594 --> 00:19:41.518
- Ah. Ah. Ah! Aah!
- Oh, shit.

00:19:41.681 --> 00:19:42.961
BEN: Aah!
WALLACE: You all right?

00:19:43.015 --> 00:19:45.268
BEN: Oh, my God, my eye! Aah!
CHANTRY: What is it?

00:19:45.434 --> 00:19:46.686
He's just rubbed his eye.

00:19:46.852 --> 00:19:48.650
God! My eye! It's really burning.

00:19:48.813 --> 00:19:50.690
- Did you cut the jalapeño?
- Yeah, I did.

00:19:50.856 --> 00:19:54.656
WALLACE: - Yeah.
- Oh, my... Ow! Ow! Ow!

00:19:54.819 --> 00:19:56.739
- Wallace, medical school!
BEN: - Shit, it hurts!

00:19:56.821 --> 00:19:59.324
Okay, well, do you...? Saline solution.
Do you use contacts?

00:19:59.490 --> 00:20:01.618
- I do. It's in the bathroom.
- Ben wears contacts.

00:20:01.784 --> 00:20:03.504
WALLACE: - Okay. Where?
- Through that door!

00:20:03.577 --> 00:20:05.329
- Yeah.
BEN: - Oh, God, that's painful!

00:20:05.496 --> 00:20:09.296
- Okay, what can I do, honey?
BEN: - God, that burns so badly!

00:20:09.458 --> 00:20:12.211
It's on that rag
and it's in the other eye now!

00:20:12.378 --> 00:20:13.550
Aah!

00:20:14.505 --> 00:20:15.973
CHANTRY: I'm sorry! Just...

00:20:17.091 --> 00:20:18.343
CHANTRY: Over there!

00:20:19.760 --> 00:20:21.603
(BEN GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS)

00:20:21.762 --> 00:20:24.936
CHANTRY: Ben? Aah! Ben!
WALLACE: Oh, shit!

00:20:25.099 --> 00:20:26.442
- Oh, my God!
- Ben?

00:20:26.600 --> 00:20:28.443
- Are you okay?
BEN: - Unh.

00:20:28.602 --> 00:20:29.979
CHANTRY: Okay, don't move. Ben!

00:20:30.146 --> 00:20:31.523
(BEN GASPING)

00:20:31.689 --> 00:20:33.783
- Do something!
- Call 911!

00:20:33.941 --> 00:20:36.410
CHANTRY: Oh, no!
Okay, stay right there! Don't move!

00:20:38.112 --> 00:20:40.490
WALLACE: I'm sorry. You look fine.

00:20:40.656 --> 00:20:44.377
BEN: Aah! It hurts me! It hurts me!

00:20:44.535 --> 00:20:45.787
(SIREN WAILING)

00:20:45.953 --> 00:20:48.627
- Just be still.
- What if I'm paralyzed?

00:20:48.789 --> 00:20:49.881
You're not paralyzed.

00:20:50.040 --> 00:20:52.400
I'm gonna give you something
for the pain to help you relax.

00:20:52.543 --> 00:20:54.170
Oh, my God.
What if I relax too much?

00:20:54.336 --> 00:20:56.384
What if I lose control
of my bodily function?

00:20:56.547 --> 00:20:57.799
What if I shit myself?

00:20:57.965 --> 00:21:00.093
You know, that actually happens
more than you'd think.

00:21:00.259 --> 00:21:02.387
It's the worst part of my job.
It's super gross.

00:21:02.553 --> 00:21:03.679
Here we go.

00:21:03.846 --> 00:21:06.190
BEN: - Unh...
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

00:21:06.348 --> 00:21:08.897
PARAMEDIC: - And there we are.
- Just lie still. Shh.

00:21:09.059 --> 00:21:10.686
(BEN GROANING)

00:21:11.562 --> 00:21:12.859
BEN: Ooh.

00:21:13.022 --> 00:21:14.524
Should you really be eating?

00:21:14.690 --> 00:21:17.443
Stress makes me hungry. That's why
I can never be a fighter pilot.

00:21:17.610 --> 00:21:20.614
I would be, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't
even be able to fit in the cockpit.

00:21:20.780 --> 00:21:22.703
BEN: (SINGING) Holy night

00:21:22.865 --> 00:21:24.617
Shh.

00:21:24.784 --> 00:21:27.958
(ALL HUMMING)

00:21:34.668 --> 00:21:36.045
So, what's the prognosis, doc?

00:21:36.212 --> 00:21:37.839
He'll need the cast
for a few more weeks,

00:21:38.005 --> 00:21:39.973
but the, uh, neck brace
is a precaution.

00:21:40.132 --> 00:21:42.305
And he'll probably
be out in the morning.

00:21:42.468 --> 00:21:44.749
If you're gonna spend the night,
I can wait here with Ben.

00:21:44.887 --> 00:21:46.264
You guys get something to eat.

00:21:48.098 --> 00:21:50.021
CHANTRY: What are you getting?

00:21:50.976 --> 00:21:53.570
Tuna salad. Yeah.

00:21:53.729 --> 00:21:56.528
- I hate hospitals.
- Mm, me too.

00:21:57.358 --> 00:22:00.202
I spent a lot of time
in hospitals as a child.

00:22:00.361 --> 00:22:02.113
Because of all your deformities?

00:22:02.613 --> 00:22:05.992
- Um, no, my parents met as interns.
- Right.

00:22:06.158 --> 00:22:08.035
He does cardiology,
she does orthopedics.

00:22:08.202 --> 00:22:12.127
He actually proposed to her on the roof
of Charing Cross Hospital in London.

00:22:12.289 --> 00:22:13.461
That's romantic.

00:22:13.624 --> 00:22:15.626
Yeah, until the affairs.

00:22:15.793 --> 00:22:17.466
She cheated on him,
he cheated on her.

00:22:17.628 --> 00:22:18.675
It was just a mess.

00:22:18.838 --> 00:22:20.636
How old were you
when they got divorced?

00:22:20.798 --> 00:22:23.176
Uh, 7, I think.

00:22:23.342 --> 00:22:26.687
Oh, uh, you don't know how
to teleport, do you?

00:22:26.846 --> 00:22:27.893
- No.
- Okay.

00:22:28.055 --> 00:22:31.810
Then I apologize for the awkward
situation you're about to witness.

00:22:31.976 --> 00:22:37.699
Hi. Um, sorry,
Chantry, uh, this is Megan, my, um...

00:22:37.857 --> 00:22:39.404
Well, my nothing in particular.

00:22:39.817 --> 00:22:42.070
CHANTRY: Nice to meet you.

00:22:42.611 --> 00:22:44.784
Wallace, what are you doing here?
Are you sick?

00:22:44.947 --> 00:22:49.123
No, um, Chantry's boyfriend
fell out of a window, but he's okay.

00:22:49.285 --> 00:22:52.084
- Do you want me to look in on him?
- No. That won't be necessary.

00:22:54.081 --> 00:22:55.128
I'm gonna go.

00:22:55.291 --> 00:22:56.759
We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch.

00:22:57.167 --> 00:22:58.687
Don't get the bagel
with smoked salmon,

00:22:58.836 --> 00:23:00.804
or the tuna, or anything with seafood.

00:23:00.963 --> 00:23:03.682
The company that stocks the machine
has failed four inspections,

00:23:03.841 --> 00:23:05.641
but the manager's brother
works for the mayor.

00:23:05.801 --> 00:23:08.850
I'm sorry, I've been on shift
for 18 hours and I'm really tired.

00:23:09.013 --> 00:23:12.013
I had so much coffee, and when I saw
her, I thought she was your girlfriend,

00:23:12.016 --> 00:23:13.734
and that made me want to cry.

00:23:13.893 --> 00:23:15.573
It's weird I'm saying this out loud,
right?

00:23:15.728 --> 00:23:18.322
- You are, and it is.
- I just want us to be friends.

00:23:18.480 --> 00:23:20.073
Not today, but someday.

00:23:20.232 --> 00:23:22.032
Whatever he said,
it wasn't black-and-white...

00:23:22.192 --> 00:23:24.945
He hasn't said anything about you.

00:23:25.696 --> 00:23:27.164
He's never even mentioned you.

00:23:31.619 --> 00:23:33.166
Um...

00:23:33.329 --> 00:23:36.082
Okay, uh, it was nice to meet you.

00:23:36.248 --> 00:23:39.673
- I hope your boyfriend feels better.
CHANTRY: - Thank you.

00:23:43.589 --> 00:23:45.432
That was my ex-girlfriend.

00:23:45.591 --> 00:23:47.639
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

00:24:02.232 --> 00:24:05.577
Dude, you're really fishhooking me
over this new manual.

00:24:05.736 --> 00:24:07.738
Is fishhooking good or bad?

00:24:07.905 --> 00:24:10.249
- You enjoy being fishhooked?
- I've never been fishhooked.

00:24:10.407 --> 00:24:12.250
- Take a guess.
- Probably not.

00:24:12.409 --> 00:24:13.456
Definitely not.

00:24:13.619 --> 00:24:14.996
Nobody wants to be fishhooked.

00:24:15.162 --> 00:24:18.132
All those girls in high school
you fishhooked, they didn't like it.

00:24:18.290 --> 00:24:22.545
They just wanted to have sex with me.
Uh, you. Uh, men. Men.

00:24:22.711 --> 00:24:23.758
I'm off topic.

00:24:23.921 --> 00:24:26.265
- God, I hope so.
- Uh, yeah. Manual.

00:24:26.423 --> 00:24:27.925
Uh, it needs a lot of work.

00:24:28.092 --> 00:24:30.686
So I'll give you, uh, another wee...
Uh, month.

00:24:30.844 --> 00:24:33.393
Extra month. So make it, uh...

00:24:33.555 --> 00:24:35.057
Make it right.

00:24:36.475 --> 00:24:38.022
(SIGHS)

00:24:39.103 --> 00:24:40.150
CHANTRY: Hang on a second.

00:24:40.312 --> 00:24:43.657
Seriously, Josh,
this is where we're doing it?

00:24:43.816 --> 00:24:47.286
With the wood? Because I think
it might be cleaner someplace else.

00:24:47.444 --> 00:24:49.993
- You're blocking the shot, so...
CHANTRY: - Oh, sorry.

00:24:50.155 --> 00:24:52.374
- Keep going, Josh.
- Douche.

00:24:52.533 --> 00:24:55.787
It is total bullshit that Josh got
the project manager job over you.

00:24:55.953 --> 00:24:58.714
Everyone knows it's your design,
and now Josh is acting like it's his.

00:24:58.872 --> 00:25:01.546
- It's, like, sexism or something.
- Our boss is a woman.

00:25:01.709 --> 00:25:04.508
Uh, I am so pissed that I gave Josh
a ho-jo after the Christmas party.

00:25:04.670 --> 00:25:08.300
It is kind of your tradition to give one of
our coworkers a handsy for Christmas.

00:25:08.465 --> 00:25:09.887
Shh!

00:25:10.050 --> 00:25:12.553
Listen, guys, Holly offered me
the promotion first.

00:25:12.720 --> 00:25:14.472
- I turned it down.
BOTH: - What?

00:25:14.638 --> 00:25:17.482
GRETCHEN: - Why?
- Because I like being an animator.

00:25:17.641 --> 00:25:18.688
(GIRL GROANS)

00:25:18.851 --> 00:25:21.775
I do, and the project manager
has to deal with so much more,

00:25:21.937 --> 00:25:24.656
like, hassle and paperwork
and meetings,

00:25:24.815 --> 00:25:27.819
and Josh is gonna end up
stuck in Taiwan half the year.

00:25:27.985 --> 00:25:30.659
Yeah, all that extra power and money
and travel is gonna suck.

00:25:30.821 --> 00:25:32.789
Stop. She doesn't want
the hassle, okay?

00:25:32.948 --> 00:25:36.953
She's got a great job, a great boyfriend,
great friends like me, kind of you.

00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:39.087
She's happy
just the way things are, right?

00:25:39.872 --> 00:25:41.624
Right.

00:25:41.790 --> 00:25:42.837
(SIGHS)

00:25:45.044 --> 00:25:46.796
Oh, good, there they are.

00:25:46.962 --> 00:25:49.010
Servings per pack, about 107.

00:25:49.173 --> 00:25:50.220
- Oh, about.
- About.

00:25:50.382 --> 00:25:51.884
Oh, okay. Heh-heh-heh.

00:25:52.051 --> 00:25:54.645
Just in case you want to eat
all of it in one sitting.

00:25:54.803 --> 00:25:56.897
That is not a good idea.

00:25:57.056 --> 00:25:59.104
Please don't...
Please don't eat it all.

00:25:59.266 --> 00:26:00.893
BEN: I won't.

00:26:04.354 --> 00:26:05.794
I wanna know
where the weird shit is.

00:26:05.939 --> 00:26:08.533
Like, where are the animal parts
that you think are trash,

00:26:08.692 --> 00:26:10.990
- but are actually food?
- Chantry, I've been waiting

00:26:11.153 --> 00:26:13.406
for the right moment to, um,
talk to you about this,

00:26:13.572 --> 00:26:16.542
but I think maybe it's better just
to stop building it up and just say it.

00:26:16.700 --> 00:26:17.917
Okay. Is everything okay?

00:26:18.077 --> 00:26:19.920
Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.

00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:22.252
Um, okay so we've been
together five years,

00:26:22.414 --> 00:26:25.918
and it feels like
our relationship is built to last.

00:26:26.085 --> 00:26:28.213
No matter what the future holds.

00:26:29.421 --> 00:26:31.924
I've been asked to take charge
of the European negotiation.

00:26:32.382 --> 00:26:34.009
It's a six-month contract.

00:26:34.176 --> 00:26:36.520
Um, but the thing is,
the team is based in Ireland,

00:26:36.678 --> 00:26:38.521
so I would have to live in Dublin,

00:26:38.680 --> 00:26:41.684
although I'd have to travel
around the whole, um, continent.

00:26:44.019 --> 00:26:45.737
You mean the subcontinent,

00:26:45.896 --> 00:26:48.490
- but that's okay.
- Right.

00:26:49.108 --> 00:26:50.951
Look, this is important to me,

00:26:51.110 --> 00:26:53.363
but there is nothing
more important than you.

00:26:53.529 --> 00:26:55.748
So if you feel like,
um, the long-distance thing

00:26:55.906 --> 00:26:57.453
is too much, I'll turn it down.

00:26:57.616 --> 00:27:01.621
This is a huge opportunity
for you, right?

00:27:01.787 --> 00:27:03.664
Lead negotiator?

00:27:06.208 --> 00:27:07.648
BEN: I love you.
CHANTRY: I love you.

00:27:07.793 --> 00:27:09.545
- Unh.
WALLACE: - Go, Felix!

00:27:10.462 --> 00:27:13.432
Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it.
I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.

00:27:13.590 --> 00:27:14.637
But it wouldn't kill you.

00:27:14.800 --> 00:27:16.177
You can eat your own poop,

00:27:16.343 --> 00:27:18.141
but if you eat the poop
that you poop out

00:27:18.303 --> 00:27:21.182
after eating the first poop,
it's so toxic, you'll die.

00:27:21.348 --> 00:27:23.567
So you can eat your poop once,
but not twice.

00:27:23.725 --> 00:27:26.228
- Unh!
NICOLE: - Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.

00:27:26.395 --> 00:27:28.944
Okay, where did you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?

00:27:29.106 --> 00:27:31.746
(MIMICKING) Where'd you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?

00:27:33.152 --> 00:27:35.780
(IN NORMAL VOICE) So, Wallace, we
should get to know each other better.

00:27:35.946 --> 00:27:37.414
Talk about the issues of our time.

00:27:37.573 --> 00:27:41.043
Gay marriage, abortion,
can men and women really be friends,

00:27:41.201 --> 00:27:43.078
or do you secretly
want to bang Chantry?

00:27:43.245 --> 00:27:44.747
Thank you.
She has a boyfriend.

00:27:44.913 --> 00:27:47.382
- Yeah, who you threw out a window.
- By accident.

00:27:47.541 --> 00:27:50.010
Dude, listen,
Ben is moving to Dublin,

00:27:50.169 --> 00:27:53.719
and your whole "if it starts dirty,
it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.

00:27:53.881 --> 00:27:55.724
The night I met Allan,
I was so into him,

00:27:55.883 --> 00:28:00.480
it wasn't till I woke up the next morning
that I remembered I had a boyfriend.

00:28:00.637 --> 00:28:02.355
Love is dirty, baby.

00:28:02.514 --> 00:28:03.936
Sometimes it's downright filthy.

00:28:05.225 --> 00:28:07.319
Oh, Christ.

00:28:30.542 --> 00:28:31.919
Hey.

00:28:32.085 --> 00:28:34.304
I need to wear something
to this company dinner

00:28:34.463 --> 00:28:37.057
with our production partners
from Taiwan.

00:28:37.216 --> 00:28:38.308
What do you think?

00:28:38.467 --> 00:28:39.719
I think that's quite a dress.

00:28:39.885 --> 00:28:42.638
CHANTRY: (WHISPERING) Do you
think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?

00:28:42.804 --> 00:28:45.227
- No, nothing's too slutty for you.
WOMAN: - Can I help you?

00:28:45.390 --> 00:28:47.859
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, actually,
um, I would like to try on that dress.

00:28:48.018 --> 00:28:50.567
We only have the one left,
and it's a size two.

00:28:50.729 --> 00:28:52.731
- Are you a two?
- Yes.

00:28:52.898 --> 00:28:55.617
- I'm gonna get the measuring tape.
- I'm a two.

00:29:00.322 --> 00:29:01.414
(GRUNTING)

00:29:10.374 --> 00:29:11.421
(FABRIC RIPPING)

00:29:22.511 --> 00:29:23.854
Aah!

00:29:24.012 --> 00:29:25.980
CHANTRY: (WHISPERING)
Wallace?

00:29:26.723 --> 00:29:28.020
- Wallace!
- Yes?

00:29:28.183 --> 00:29:31.608
CHANTRY: (IN NORMAL VOICE)
Um, are you alone?

00:29:31.770 --> 00:29:33.147
Like, in the universe?

00:29:33.313 --> 00:29:35.111
No, in the hallway!

00:29:35.274 --> 00:29:36.366
Uh, yes.

00:29:36.525 --> 00:29:38.493
Okay, um...

00:29:38.652 --> 00:29:41.747
- Do you need me to get someone?
CHANTRY: - No, no, don't get anyone.

00:29:41.905 --> 00:29:44.704
I need you to come in here.

00:29:44.866 --> 00:29:45.913
What?

00:29:46.076 --> 00:29:47.578
CHANTRY: I'm kind of stuck.

00:29:47.744 --> 00:29:51.123
So I need you to crawl under,
but keep your eyes closed.

00:29:51.290 --> 00:29:53.167
- Really? Uh...
- I am in a state of undress.

00:29:53.333 --> 00:29:55.053
- You need to close your eyes.
- Okay, okay.

00:29:55.210 --> 00:29:56.837
Promise to close your eyes
and keep them closed?

00:29:57.004 --> 00:29:58.881
- Yes, I promise.
- Hurry!

00:29:59.047 --> 00:30:01.345
(SIGHS THEN GRUNTS)

00:30:01.508 --> 00:30:02.628
CHANTRY: - What?
- I... No...

00:30:02.759 --> 00:30:05.199
CHANTRY: - Did you open your eyes?
- No, I just banged my head

00:30:05.345 --> 00:30:06.597
because my eyes are closed.

00:30:06.763 --> 00:30:08.561
Okay, so here's what happened.

00:30:08.724 --> 00:30:11.398
I tried it on, and I think
it got hooked on my bra or something,

00:30:11.560 --> 00:30:13.608
- and now I can't get it off.
- Right.

00:30:13.770 --> 00:30:15.050
You're not gonna laugh, are you?

00:30:15.188 --> 00:30:17.737
- I can't even see what's going on.
- Okay.

00:30:18.692 --> 00:30:20.035
Okay, um...

00:30:20.193 --> 00:30:23.697
- Are your eyes closed?
- Yes.

00:30:24.865 --> 00:30:26.617
I think you need to move a bit.

00:30:26.783 --> 00:30:28.785
There, yeah.

00:30:41.006 --> 00:30:42.053
(CHANTRY SQUEALS)

00:30:42.215 --> 00:30:43.637
WALLACE: You're all right.
CHANTRY: No. It's stuck.

00:30:43.800 --> 00:30:46.724
WALLACE: Okay, okay.
Um, turn around, turn to me.

00:30:47.220 --> 00:30:48.847
Yeah.

00:30:51.850 --> 00:30:54.399
(WALLACE GRUNTING)

00:31:09.159 --> 00:31:10.502
- Thank you.
- It's okay.

00:31:11.244 --> 00:31:13.042
Should I hold that?

00:31:25.509 --> 00:31:27.728
Here, hold this.

00:31:28.887 --> 00:31:30.855
And keep your eyes closed.

00:31:31.765 --> 00:31:33.608
(ALLAN MOANING)

00:31:36.728 --> 00:31:39.208
Oh, I love you so much,
I wanna just rip off your arms and legs

00:31:39.356 --> 00:31:41.074
and carry you
around in my purse all day.

00:31:41.233 --> 00:31:43.531
I love you so much I want
to grind up your muscles

00:31:43.693 --> 00:31:46.367
and organs and bones
and spread you on toast.

00:31:46.530 --> 00:31:50.660
Mm! I love you so much I want to just
cut you open and scoop out your insides

00:31:50.826 --> 00:31:53.705
and wear your skin around town
like an Allan suit.

00:31:54.162 --> 00:31:55.789
(BOTH MOANING)

00:31:59.084 --> 00:32:01.587
- Okay. Bye, Wallace.
- Bye, Nicole.

00:32:01.962 --> 00:32:04.010
(TIMER DINGS
THEN NICOLE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN)

00:32:05.924 --> 00:32:07.892
Can I talk to you about something?

00:32:08.051 --> 00:32:10.099
(NACHOS SIZZLING)

00:32:11.096 --> 00:32:14.316
I just had sex.
I'm about to eat nachos!

00:32:14.474 --> 00:32:17.023
It's the greatest moment of my life!

00:32:17.352 --> 00:32:19.696
Unless you screw it up
with whatever you're about to say.

00:32:20.063 --> 00:32:22.031
It's about your cousin.

00:32:22.190 --> 00:32:24.363
She's my cousin. It's like incest.

00:32:24.526 --> 00:32:25.698
Well, she's not my cousin.

00:32:25.861 --> 00:32:28.541
But you're like my brother,
so it's like my brother asking my advice

00:32:28.697 --> 00:32:30.290
on how to incestuously bang
my cousin.

00:32:30.449 --> 00:32:32.122
No, I'm not. She...
She has a boyfriend.

00:32:32.284 --> 00:32:36.755
Yeah. He's been over for Thanksgiving
and Christmas for the past five years.

00:32:36.913 --> 00:32:38.313
Okay, let me break it down for you.

00:32:38.457 --> 00:32:40.801
This perfect nacho chip is Ben.

00:32:40.959 --> 00:32:45.214
He works at the United Nations as
an expert in international copyright law.

00:32:45.380 --> 00:32:47.348
This moldy banana is you.

00:32:47.507 --> 00:32:50.226
I have no idea what you do.
Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.

00:32:50.385 --> 00:32:52.934
You know I write user manuals
for dedicated purchasing software.

00:32:53.096 --> 00:32:54.143
(ALLAN SNORING)

00:32:54.306 --> 00:32:56.479
- Like copyright law is so exciting.
- At least he's an expert in something.

00:32:56.641 --> 00:32:58.314
What are you an expert in? Nothing.

00:32:58.643 --> 00:33:02.523
"There are no people anywhere
seeking my advice on any subject."

00:33:02.689 --> 00:33:04.942
Ben's been dating Chantry
for five years.

00:33:05.108 --> 00:33:06.155
They live together.

00:33:06.318 --> 00:33:07.695
They own furniture.

00:33:07.861 --> 00:33:09.955
They have a cat. You have nothing.

00:33:10.113 --> 00:33:11.456
You don't even have a plant.

00:33:11.615 --> 00:33:14.209
You've been single
since that douche-bag Megan

00:33:14.367 --> 00:33:15.647
broke your fragile little heart.

00:33:15.785 --> 00:33:17.753
Okay, okay.
I broke up with Megan, all right?

00:33:17.913 --> 00:33:19.665
She wanted to stay together
and work it out.

00:33:19.831 --> 00:33:21.754
I said no, so I dumped her.

00:33:22.709 --> 00:33:23.835
Of course you did.

00:33:24.002 --> 00:33:25.128
Anyway, I get it. It's fine.

00:33:25.295 --> 00:33:27.175
She's in a relationship.
Nothing's gonna happen.

00:33:29.216 --> 00:33:31.310
You totally killed
my sex nacho high.

00:33:31.468 --> 00:33:32.845
BEN: So...

00:33:33.011 --> 00:33:34.729
Keys,

00:33:34.888 --> 00:33:37.141
wallet,

00:33:37.641 --> 00:33:38.688
Passport, phone.

00:33:38.850 --> 00:33:42.104
Keys, wallet and... Yes, this.

00:33:42.646 --> 00:33:45.490
It's an open ticket to Dublin.
It's a five-hour flight.

00:33:45.649 --> 00:33:47.822
It's already paid for,
so use it whenever you want,

00:33:47.984 --> 00:33:49.531
even if it's just for a weekend,

00:33:49.694 --> 00:33:51.241
even if it's just for a day,

00:33:51.404 --> 00:33:53.156
even if it's just for a kiss.

00:33:53.698 --> 00:33:54.745
- Okay?
- Mm-hm.

00:34:04.417 --> 00:34:05.760
(HORN HONKS)

00:34:05.919 --> 00:34:08.159
No, baby, baby, I got to go.
I got to go. The cab's here.

00:34:08.296 --> 00:34:11.140
I'm so sorry.
I can't miss my flight.

00:34:11.299 --> 00:34:13.597
Okay, I'm so late. Okay?

00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:15.637
Okay, baby?

00:34:17.305 --> 00:34:19.023
Goodbye.

00:34:21.017 --> 00:34:23.941
- Love you.
- Love you too.

00:34:24.104 --> 00:34:25.822
Bye.

00:34:53.383 --> 00:34:54.430
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:34:54.593 --> 00:34:56.937
BEN: (ON RECORDING) Hey, it's me.
Sorry I missed your call.

00:34:57.095 --> 00:34:58.517
I'm in Berlin.

00:34:58.680 --> 00:35:00.057
Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.

00:35:00.223 --> 00:35:01.270
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:35:01.433 --> 00:35:03.811
Hey, I'm in Prague.
I'm in Amsterdam. I'm in Florence.

00:35:03.977 --> 00:35:05.900
Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.

00:35:06.187 --> 00:35:07.234
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:35:07.397 --> 00:35:10.196
I got your message.
Cell reception in Athens is a mess.

00:35:10.358 --> 00:35:11.985
- Did you get my postcard?
CHANTRY: - Hey, it's me.

00:35:12.152 --> 00:35:16.157
Why don't you call me right before you
go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.

00:35:16.323 --> 00:35:18.075
I just want to hear your voice.

00:35:31.004 --> 00:35:32.884
BEN: (OVER PHONE) So I finally got my cast off.

00:35:33.006 --> 00:35:35.350
My arm's all smelly and shriveled.

00:35:35.508 --> 00:35:38.512
If I felt you up, it'd be like you were
cheating on me with my evil twin.

00:35:38.678 --> 00:35:41.181
Please, tell me more
about how you want to molest me

00:35:41.348 --> 00:35:43.476
with your creepy, rancid freak arm.

00:35:43.642 --> 00:35:45.064
You'd love Dublin, though.

00:35:45.226 --> 00:35:47.106
They've got us all staying
in the same building,

00:35:47.228 --> 00:35:49.697
so the whole office
is basically living together,

00:35:49.856 --> 00:35:51.608
but I've already made
some good friends.

00:35:51.775 --> 00:35:54.324
It's nice, but I just...

00:35:54.486 --> 00:35:55.988
You know, I miss you so much.

00:35:56.154 --> 00:35:57.781
Yeah, I know, I...

00:35:57.947 --> 00:35:59.995
I really miss you too.

00:36:00.283 --> 00:36:02.786
Look, I got to go, okay?

00:36:02.952 --> 00:36:04.295
I love you.

00:36:04.454 --> 00:36:05.546
Okay.

00:36:05.705 --> 00:36:07.173
BEN: - See you.
- Okay.

00:36:07.332 --> 00:36:09.812
BEN: - All right, speak tonight.
- All right, talk to you then.

00:36:09.876 --> 00:36:12.299
BEN: - Bye-bye.
- Bye.

00:36:12.462 --> 00:36:13.930
- Sorry.
- No worries.

00:36:14.089 --> 00:36:16.717
- Black for you, milk for me.
- Cheers.

00:36:18.343 --> 00:36:19.390
- Ah.
- Yep.

00:36:19.761 --> 00:36:21.855
WALLACE: So is Ben settling in okay?

00:36:22.013 --> 00:36:24.482
Yeah, he's great. He's doing great.

00:36:24.641 --> 00:36:27.110
He's having a great time.

00:36:27.268 --> 00:36:29.987
Are you having a great time?

00:36:30.146 --> 00:36:33.867
Not really. I'm having
kind of a crappy time, actually.

00:36:34.025 --> 00:36:36.699
- Sorry.
- Yep, this, right now,

00:36:36.861 --> 00:36:39.034
this is the high point
of my social calendar.

00:36:39.197 --> 00:36:40.665
Aw. See, that is sad.

00:36:40.824 --> 00:36:44.920
I know. I've been thinking
about just starting drinking.

00:36:45.078 --> 00:36:46.125
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

00:36:46.287 --> 00:36:47.334
- Heavily.
- Heavily.

00:36:47.789 --> 00:36:50.588
Do you need someone
to start drinking with you?

00:36:50.750 --> 00:36:53.173
- Really?
- I'm very, very willing.

00:36:53.336 --> 00:36:55.304
You want to help me
drown my sorrows?

00:36:55.463 --> 00:36:57.340
Of course. Absolutely.

00:36:57.507 --> 00:36:59.225
Done.

00:37:06.391 --> 00:37:07.438
WALLACE: Bottoms up!

00:37:07.600 --> 00:37:09.068
(DANCE MUSIC
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:37:09.227 --> 00:37:10.945
- Unh!
- Oh, my God!

00:37:11.104 --> 00:37:12.151
- Horrible!
- Horrible!

00:37:12.313 --> 00:37:13.656
- As always!
- And cheap!

00:37:13.815 --> 00:37:16.864
All right, prospective person
at this bar for you.

00:37:17.026 --> 00:37:19.495
I don't think anyone I'd like
would come to a place like this.

00:37:19.654 --> 00:37:20.701
You're here, Wallace.

00:37:20.864 --> 00:37:22.504
- Yeah, because you dragged me here.
- So?

00:37:23.408 --> 00:37:25.456
Look at this girl. She's so pretty.

00:37:25.910 --> 00:37:27.207
Oh, uh, yeah.

00:37:27.370 --> 00:37:29.998
- Yeah? No, she's super pretty!
- Yeah. Oh, okay.

00:37:30.165 --> 00:37:32.634
You want me to go tell her
that you have six nipples?

00:37:32.792 --> 00:37:34.312
- Yeah. No, you know what?
- All right.

00:37:34.461 --> 00:37:37.681
No, you know what? I'll do it myself.
It'll be easier coming from me.

00:37:37.839 --> 00:37:39.199
- Thank you.
MAN: - You're welcome.

00:37:39.257 --> 00:37:40.804
- I'm sorry, hi. Um...
WOMAN: - Hi.

00:37:40.967 --> 00:37:43.140
Oh, wow.
You've got amazing teeth.

00:37:43.303 --> 00:37:45.021
Um, sorry, can I buy
this drink for you?

00:37:45.180 --> 00:37:47.979
Um, yeah, that's so sweet.

00:37:48.141 --> 00:37:49.313
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

00:37:49.476 --> 00:37:51.729
Um, so...

00:37:52.520 --> 00:37:54.522
Heh. Burn!

00:37:54.689 --> 00:37:57.192
CHANTRY: All right,
weirdest place you've ever had sex.

00:37:57.358 --> 00:37:59.577
Um, bakery, night shift.

00:37:59.736 --> 00:38:01.909
I will never be comfortable
eating a cupcake again.

00:38:02.071 --> 00:38:03.118
(WOMAN MOANING)

00:38:03.281 --> 00:38:05.659
- What about you?
- Um...

00:38:05.825 --> 00:38:06.872
Ferris wheel.

00:38:07.035 --> 00:38:09.458
Stuck at the very top.
We could see for miles around,

00:38:09.871 --> 00:38:11.214
but no one could see us.

00:38:12.040 --> 00:38:14.919
- Aah!
- Yes! Oh, yeah!

00:38:15.084 --> 00:38:16.764
Thank you for being
so gracious in victory.

00:38:16.920 --> 00:38:19.719
- Whoo! Uh-huh!
- Hand clasp of champions.

00:38:19.881 --> 00:38:20.973
Rub it in.

00:38:21.633 --> 00:38:23.727
(POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:38:29.265 --> 00:38:32.314
So how many serious relationships
have you actually had?

00:38:32.477 --> 00:38:34.571
Four! Two in high school,

00:38:34.729 --> 00:38:37.949
and one in college before Ben,
and then Ben.

00:38:38.107 --> 00:38:39.575
- You?
- Six?

00:38:40.151 --> 00:38:42.574
One in high school,
one the summer after high school,

00:38:42.737 --> 00:38:44.614
three in college, and one since.

00:38:44.781 --> 00:38:46.749
No, sorry, two since. So seven.

00:38:46.908 --> 00:38:48.348
Are you usually
the dumper or dumpee?

00:38:48.493 --> 00:38:52.464
Um, statistically, I'm a dumper,
but it's not like I've never been dumped.

00:38:52.622 --> 00:38:54.795
I've just been really good
at knowing when to get out.

00:38:54.958 --> 00:38:57.837
- You?
- No, I've never dumped anyone.

00:38:58.002 --> 00:38:59.879
I always try to make it work.

00:39:00.421 --> 00:39:04.142
You know, I haven't hit the bar scene
in, like, a very long time.

00:39:04.300 --> 00:39:07.270
I thought it was gonna be the worst,
but that was surprisingly painless.

00:39:07.428 --> 00:39:09.522
I'm just sorry
you didn't find true love tonight.

00:39:09.681 --> 00:39:11.775
Ah, well, you can't have it all.

00:39:11.933 --> 00:39:14.812
And what's the worst thing
that's ever happened to you?

00:39:15.520 --> 00:39:17.320
Um, the worst thing
that's ever happened to me

00:39:17.480 --> 00:39:20.484
is kind of the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

00:39:20.650 --> 00:39:22.652
Megan, you met the other day,

00:39:22.819 --> 00:39:28.246
I burst in on her making out with our,
frankly, gross anatomy professor,

00:39:28.408 --> 00:39:33.414
and I was like,
"Wow, we actually are my parents."

00:39:34.122 --> 00:39:35.795
"We are almost both doctors,

00:39:35.957 --> 00:39:38.756
and we already started cheating
on each other."

00:39:38.918 --> 00:39:41.967
So I got out of there, and yeah.

00:39:42.130 --> 00:39:43.598
So, in a way, that became

00:39:43.756 --> 00:39:45.804
the best thing
that ever happened to me.

00:39:45.967 --> 00:39:49.562
So, what is the worst thing
that ever happened to you?

00:39:50.763 --> 00:39:55.018
My mom died
when I was in junior high.

00:39:55.184 --> 00:39:57.186
Um...

00:39:57.353 --> 00:39:59.651
She had breast cancer.

00:40:01.441 --> 00:40:06.447
You don't realize how quickly
everything can fall apart until it does.

00:40:07.447 --> 00:40:11.293
Makes you never want to give up
anything good ever again.

00:40:13.953 --> 00:40:16.047
Can I change my answer?

00:40:16.205 --> 00:40:17.707
The worst thing
that happened to me

00:40:17.874 --> 00:40:19.501
is saying
my lame relationship drama

00:40:19.667 --> 00:40:21.214
is the worst thing
that happened to me,

00:40:21.377 --> 00:40:23.471
when something really awful
happened to you.

00:40:23.630 --> 00:40:25.098
It's okay.

00:40:25.256 --> 00:40:27.384
I like your answer.

00:40:27.550 --> 00:40:29.928
Plus, I get to be part of
the worst part of your life now.

00:40:30.094 --> 00:40:31.516
That's really good.

00:40:31.846 --> 00:40:33.769
And for future reference,
when the answer is

00:40:33.932 --> 00:40:36.560
your mom died of cancer,
you should really go first.

00:40:37.393 --> 00:40:40.112
All right.
Thanks for the etiquette lesson.

00:40:40.271 --> 00:40:42.023
No worries.

00:40:42.649 --> 00:40:44.367
Good night, Wallace.

00:40:44.984 --> 00:40:46.702
Good night, Chantry.

00:40:56.579 --> 00:40:58.752
CHANTRY: You know,
he has all these new experiences,

00:40:58.915 --> 00:41:00.792
he's meeting
all these new people.

00:41:00.959 --> 00:41:02.399
And then,
"What's going on with you?"

00:41:02.543 --> 00:41:05.638
And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle
of my same old life,

00:41:05.797 --> 00:41:07.845
except, whoops,
my boyfriend's out of the country."

00:41:08.007 --> 00:41:09.054
TABBY: Ugh!

00:41:09.217 --> 00:41:11.640
So Dolly was telling us
about this Wallace guy...?

00:41:12.553 --> 00:41:13.600
We're friends.

00:41:13.763 --> 00:41:17.267
Well, no, I know, obviously
you guys are friends, but is he cute?

00:41:17.433 --> 00:41:18.685
Should you be introducing him

00:41:18.851 --> 00:41:20.649
to your single,
desperate friends like me?

00:41:20.812 --> 00:41:23.065
No, no, I already called dibs on him.

00:41:23.231 --> 00:41:24.278
Why?

00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:27.319
He was supposed to be my rebound.
That's why it didn't work with Noel.

00:41:27.485 --> 00:41:29.237
I needed a buffer
between Rob and Noel.

00:41:29.404 --> 00:41:30.701
A buffer made of sex.

00:41:30.863 --> 00:41:33.241
GRETCHEN: You little prostitute.

00:41:33.408 --> 00:41:35.706
- Dalia, you barely know him.
DALIA: - Well, you know him.

00:41:35.868 --> 00:41:38.068
You hang out with him all the time,
so he's not a loser.

00:41:38.204 --> 00:41:39.724
He hasn't made some
creepy move on you,

00:41:39.789 --> 00:41:41.917
so we know he's not a creep.
He's vetted.

00:41:42.083 --> 00:41:44.962
TABBY: Well, is he funny or smart?

00:41:45.128 --> 00:41:47.130
He's definitely smart.
He's not funny.

00:41:47.296 --> 00:41:49.173
He's, like, kind of, like, bantery.

00:41:49.340 --> 00:41:51.559
He's kind of like a male version
of Chantry, actually.

00:41:51.718 --> 00:41:53.516
- Oh, wait, so he's Mantry?
TABBY: - Oh, no.

00:41:53.678 --> 00:41:56.227
DALIA: - Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry.
- No. No, We're not...

00:41:56.389 --> 00:41:58.733
TABBY: Dalia wants to have rebound
sex with her sister's man-twin.

00:41:58.891 --> 00:42:00.814
ALLAN: Option one, make a move on her.

00:42:00.977 --> 00:42:02.650
Bold, direct.

00:42:02.812 --> 00:42:05.452
If you're lucky, you hook up,
she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben.

00:42:05.606 --> 00:42:07.779
If you're unlucky, she's furious,
ends your friendship.

00:42:07.942 --> 00:42:09.159
- So be sleazy?
- Yeah.

00:42:09.318 --> 00:42:10.998
WALLACE: You think that'll work?
ALLAN: No.

00:42:11.112 --> 00:42:13.991
Even if she goes for it, she'll
resent you for getting her to cheat.

00:42:14.157 --> 00:42:16.125
She'll break up with him, but she won't
go out with you because you're...

00:42:16.284 --> 00:42:17.331
- Sleazy.
- Yeah.

00:42:17.493 --> 00:42:20.542
Option two,
be the guy she goes to for advice.

00:42:20.705 --> 00:42:23.128
The downside is you have to listen
to her talk about Ben.

00:42:23.291 --> 00:42:26.091
The upside is you can slant your
advice to slowly turn her against him.

00:42:26.252 --> 00:42:27.299
- So be conniving?
- Yeah.

00:42:27.462 --> 00:42:28.759
- And that'll work?
- Maybe.

00:42:28.921 --> 00:42:30.423
Maybe she'll see through it
and think you're...

00:42:30.590 --> 00:42:31.637
- Conniving?
- Yeah.

00:42:31.799 --> 00:42:34.769
Option three, patiently wait it out.

00:42:34.927 --> 00:42:37.100
Either the distance
gets to them and they break up,

00:42:37.263 --> 00:42:40.358
or it doesn't, and they get married,
live a happy life,

00:42:40.516 --> 00:42:45.272
with you always on the outside,
looking in, quietly pining indefinitely.

00:42:45.438 --> 00:42:47.156
- So be pathetic?
- Yeah.

00:42:47.315 --> 00:42:48.362
That sounds fun.

00:42:48.524 --> 00:42:50.697
It's got the advantage
of not being unethical,

00:42:50.860 --> 00:42:52.203
but the disadvantage of being...

00:42:52.361 --> 00:42:53.487
- Pathetic.
- Yeah.

00:42:53.654 --> 00:42:57.375
So your advice is be sleazy,
conniving or pathetic.

00:42:58.785 --> 00:43:02.415
Well, when you put it that way,
it doesn't sound like very good advice.

00:43:02.663 --> 00:43:03.789
(ALLAN SHUDDERS)

00:43:03.956 --> 00:43:05.583
WALLACE: Aw...

00:43:06.334 --> 00:43:08.382
- Oh, my God.
- Do you like it?

00:43:08.753 --> 00:43:10.755
Um, well,
it's not my engagement ring.

00:43:10.922 --> 00:43:13.471
- It's whether she'll like it.
- I think she'll love it.

00:43:13.633 --> 00:43:15.306
WALLACE: Then you're made for each other.

00:43:15.468 --> 00:43:19.063
Why'd you get all snaky when we
were talking about Wallace earlier?

00:43:19.222 --> 00:43:20.724
I... Ugh.

00:43:20.890 --> 00:43:22.187
Come on.

00:43:22.934 --> 00:43:24.106
Look, you just, like...

00:43:24.268 --> 00:43:27.488
You don't have the greatest
track record with guys. That's all.

00:43:27.647 --> 00:43:29.649
You think I'm gonna break his heart
and mess up your friendship?

00:43:29.816 --> 00:43:30.863
No.

00:43:31.025 --> 00:43:32.698
So you think I'm not
good enough for him?

00:43:32.860 --> 00:43:35.363
Obviously not.
That's obviously not what it is.

00:43:35.530 --> 00:43:37.373
Some of us
aren't as lucky as you and Ben.

00:43:37.532 --> 00:43:40.081
Some of us want a guy
that doesn't make us feel like crap.

00:43:40.243 --> 00:43:41.290
There is a fourth option.

00:43:41.452 --> 00:43:42.624
- Yeah?
- Be honest.

00:43:42.787 --> 00:43:43.959
Tell her how you feel.

00:43:44.122 --> 00:43:46.216
It might ruin the friendship,
but at least you

00:43:46.374 --> 00:43:48.593
stood up like a man
and expressed your feelings.

00:43:48.751 --> 00:43:51.254
Wait, I'm sorry.
Since when does being a man

00:43:51.420 --> 00:43:53.013
involve expressing your feelings?

00:43:53.172 --> 00:43:54.719
Did I miss a memo?
Because if I recall,

00:43:54.882 --> 00:43:57.101
being a man meant
hiding your feelings forever.

00:43:57.260 --> 00:43:59.860
Like Bruce Willis. You never see
Bruce Willis expressing feelings.

00:44:00.012 --> 00:44:02.293
The most you ever get out of Bruce
is a hint of melancholy

00:44:02.431 --> 00:44:04.231
- at the edge of a smirk.
- Do you think Bruce

00:44:04.392 --> 00:44:06.941
would be happy just being friends?

00:44:07.103 --> 00:44:09.947
A hundred percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.

00:44:10.106 --> 00:44:11.866
You are a hundred percent honest
with Nicole?

00:44:12.024 --> 00:44:13.321
- Yes. Yep.
- About everything.

00:44:13.484 --> 00:44:14.656
New Orleans, 2006?

00:44:14.819 --> 00:44:16.492
What was her name?
Uh, Favia?

00:44:16.654 --> 00:44:19.032
Yeah, she did look like a woman,
to be fair.

00:44:19.198 --> 00:44:22.042
Ninety-nine percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.

00:44:22.201 --> 00:44:25.751
You know, it's not worth the risk,
not if it means losing her as a friend.

00:44:25.913 --> 00:44:27.793
- Well, so then it's option five.
- What's that?

00:44:27.874 --> 00:44:29.672
You move on.

00:44:33.671 --> 00:44:35.344
(CHATTERING)

00:44:44.599 --> 00:44:46.067
Hello.

00:44:46.225 --> 00:44:47.385
CHANTRY: Oh, hi.
WALLACE: Hey.

00:44:48.644 --> 00:44:50.021
Hello, welcome.

00:44:50.188 --> 00:44:51.656
Welcome to our engagement party.

00:44:51.814 --> 00:44:56.741
We are so happy to have everybody
we care about together in one space.

00:44:56.903 --> 00:44:59.281
Here's the thing, we both
really want to get married, but...

00:44:59.447 --> 00:45:02.451
But we hate weddings. Every wedding
I've been to has completely sucked.

00:45:03.034 --> 00:45:06.163
Sorry, uh, Aunt Cathy,
Uncle Drew and Olivia.

00:45:06.329 --> 00:45:09.879
And we don't like long engagements,
so we are getting married

00:45:10.041 --> 00:45:11.543
here, tonight.

00:45:11.709 --> 00:45:12.756
(CHATTERING)

00:45:12.919 --> 00:45:14.592
Zella is our registered civil officiant.

00:45:14.754 --> 00:45:17.382
NICOLE: Oh, and, uh, Mom,
I got your wedding dress altered.

00:45:17.548 --> 00:45:18.595
I hope that's okay.

00:45:18.758 --> 00:45:20.431
Becky's gonna be
Nicole's maid of honor.

00:45:20.593 --> 00:45:22.220
- Wallace...
WALLACE: - Here!

00:45:22.386 --> 00:45:24.480
...is gonna be my best man.
Thank you very much.

00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:26.733
Everyone stay away
from my Uncle Herman. All right.

00:45:26.891 --> 00:45:30.441
(APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

00:45:33.356 --> 00:45:36.156
Okay, I... like, I don't need you
finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious.

00:45:36.275 --> 00:45:37.715
- You look pretty.
WALLACE: - Nicole?

00:45:37.777 --> 00:45:38.949
I've been sent to get an ETA.

00:45:39.111 --> 00:45:40.591
- Oh, is that Wallace?
WALLACE: - Yes.

00:45:40.655 --> 00:45:42.407
Just come in.

00:45:42.573 --> 00:45:43.745
Oh, wow, you look amazing.

00:45:43.908 --> 00:45:45.160
Yes. Becky, seriously,

00:45:45.326 --> 00:45:47.203
if I don't get some alcohol,
I'm gonna panic.

00:45:47.370 --> 00:45:48.997
WALLACE: - Hey, I'll go.
- No, no, no, you stay.

00:45:49.163 --> 00:45:52.292
Becky's more nervous than I am, and
frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go.

00:45:52.708 --> 00:45:54.460
You, stay, talk to me.

00:45:57.046 --> 00:45:58.218
(SIGHS)

00:45:58.381 --> 00:46:00.804
- So...
- So?

00:46:01.509 --> 00:46:03.853
- So.
- What?

00:46:04.011 --> 00:46:05.388
Why are you torturing yourself

00:46:05.554 --> 00:46:08.774
over a ten-second conversation with
Chantry that would answer everything?

00:46:08.933 --> 00:46:09.980
It's your wedding day.

00:46:10.142 --> 00:46:12.440
- Can we talk about you?
- Exactly. It's my wedding day.

00:46:12.603 --> 00:46:14.401
As best man,
it's your job to keep me calm

00:46:14.563 --> 00:46:17.043
so that I don't crawl out that window
and go and bang a sailor.

00:46:17.191 --> 00:46:19.614
- Where are you gonna find a sailor?
- At the dock.

00:46:20.194 --> 00:46:22.492
God, what's the best-case scenario?

00:46:22.655 --> 00:46:26.080
"Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex
forever until we die having sex"?

00:46:26.242 --> 00:46:27.482
That is the best-case scenario.

00:46:27.618 --> 00:46:29.666
Okay, and what's
the worst-case scenario?

00:46:29.829 --> 00:46:31.229
"Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar."

00:46:31.330 --> 00:46:34.584
"This whole time, you've just been
trying to put your junk inside my trunk."

00:46:34.750 --> 00:46:36.423
Anything involving the phrase
"put your junk inside my trunk"

00:46:36.585 --> 00:46:38.303
actually would be
the worst-case scenario.

00:46:38.462 --> 00:46:41.466
Look, the one thing
I like about getting married

00:46:41.632 --> 00:46:44.135
is that you get to stand up
in front of everyone you care about

00:46:44.302 --> 00:46:48.773
and state, for the record, that you
believe in the best-case scenario.

00:46:49.640 --> 00:46:51.517
It terrifies me,

00:46:51.684 --> 00:46:53.402
but that's why the outfits
are so nice.

00:46:53.561 --> 00:46:54.608
(DOOR OPENS)

00:46:54.770 --> 00:46:56.272
Okay.

00:46:57.356 --> 00:46:59.404
(MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING
MARCH" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:46:59.567 --> 00:47:00.910
- Thanks.
- Cheers.

00:47:12.788 --> 00:47:14.165
(NICOLE WHOOPS)

00:47:14.332 --> 00:47:16.585
(CROWD CHEERING)

00:47:20.129 --> 00:47:23.599
ALLAN: I got her! She's mine! My wife.

00:47:24.175 --> 00:47:25.973
Yeah. Mommy!

00:47:26.552 --> 00:47:28.520
WALLACE: I can't believe no one stopped that.

00:47:28.679 --> 00:47:29.726
Nice.

00:47:30.473 --> 00:47:35.821
And I learned a lot of lessons that night
about gambling addictions

00:47:35.978 --> 00:47:37.605
and identity theft

00:47:37.772 --> 00:47:40.446
and the Romanian legal system,

00:47:40.608 --> 00:47:45.580
but the most important lesson
I learned was from Nicole,

00:47:45.738 --> 00:47:48.036
and it was about friendship.

00:47:48.199 --> 00:47:49.746
I love you, Nicole.

00:47:50.368 --> 00:47:51.494
Oh, so much fun.

00:47:51.660 --> 00:47:54.163
WOMAN 1: Yay!
WOMAN 2: Yay.

00:47:54.330 --> 00:47:56.048
Look at you.
You didn't even practice.

00:47:56.207 --> 00:47:57.459
DALIA: Whoo! Go, Wallace!

00:47:57.625 --> 00:48:00.003
CHANTRY: Go, Wallace!
WALLACE: Uh, thank you, thank you.

00:48:00.378 --> 00:48:03.803
To those of us who begrudgingly
call Allan a friend...

00:48:03.964 --> 00:48:05.011
(MAN CHUCKLES)

00:48:05.174 --> 00:48:08.223
...it seems impossible that any woman
could handle him for an hour,

00:48:08.386 --> 00:48:09.763
let alone a lifetime.

00:48:10.346 --> 00:48:11.973
And then you meet Nicole,

00:48:12.139 --> 00:48:13.641
and that is the good news here.

00:48:13.808 --> 00:48:16.311
Um, if these two can find each other,

00:48:16.477 --> 00:48:19.731
then there truly
is somebody for everyone.

00:48:19.897 --> 00:48:21.865
The bad news is that one day,
they will procreate,

00:48:22.024 --> 00:48:24.652
and their hideous offspring
will obviously cause the Apocalypse.

00:48:24.944 --> 00:48:27.663
But tonight,
we celebrate the good news.

00:48:27.822 --> 00:48:31.372
I remember the night
Allan and Nicole met,

00:48:31.534 --> 00:48:34.708
and that instant connection.

00:48:34.870 --> 00:48:36.918
You know, if you're lucky,

00:48:37.081 --> 00:48:38.298
it happens once in a lifetime,

00:48:39.166 --> 00:48:42.966
and if you're unlucky,
then you have to come to weddings

00:48:43.129 --> 00:48:44.802
and hear people like me
talking about it,

00:48:44.964 --> 00:48:47.467
and assume that we are all
hopeless romantics.

00:48:47.633 --> 00:48:48.680
Um...

00:48:49.760 --> 00:48:52.809
It's very easy
to be cynical about love,

00:48:52.972 --> 00:48:54.474
but this, tonight,

00:48:54.640 --> 00:48:56.142
this is hard.

00:48:57.893 --> 00:48:59.611
Soto Allan and Nicole,

00:48:59.770 --> 00:49:01.693
for making the hard way
look easy.

00:49:01.856 --> 00:49:04.826
ALL: Cheers!
WOMAN 3: To Allan and Nicole.

00:49:06.902 --> 00:49:08.575
WALLACE: All right, thanks, everyone.

00:49:08.737 --> 00:49:09.784
Um...

00:49:10.364 --> 00:49:11.786
Yep. That's it.

00:49:11.949 --> 00:49:14.577
(POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS)

00:49:19.707 --> 00:49:21.926
(LAUGHING)

00:49:26.797 --> 00:49:28.640
Perfect timing.

00:49:50.196 --> 00:49:51.618
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

00:50:02.041 --> 00:50:05.420
Are you sure?
It's so near here for me.

00:50:05.586 --> 00:50:08.339
Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about
the door-to-door service.

00:50:09.507 --> 00:50:11.100
- Heh.
- Okay.

00:50:12.426 --> 00:50:14.349
- Let me out?
CHANTRY: - Sure.

00:50:14.512 --> 00:50:16.514
WALLACE: Unh. Oh, gosh. German cars.

00:50:19.141 --> 00:50:21.018
Good night.

00:50:21.727 --> 00:50:23.479
Wallace, you clean up nice.

00:50:23.646 --> 00:50:26.320
Yes, so do you.

00:50:26.482 --> 00:50:28.155
- Okay.
- Good night.

00:50:31.529 --> 00:50:32.576
CHANTRY: Bye!

00:50:32.738 --> 00:50:33.910
- Bye.
- Bye.

00:50:48.087 --> 00:50:50.590
Great. Thank you very much.

00:50:51.423 --> 00:50:53.266
Listen,

00:50:53.425 --> 00:50:56.099
I don't think it's a good idea for me
to come inside with you.

00:50:57.179 --> 00:50:59.557
- What?
- Heh. Don't get all mad.

00:50:59.723 --> 00:51:02.192
If you're gonna get mad,
I guess we could make out,

00:51:02.351 --> 00:51:04.900
- but we are not having sex.
- Uh, no.

00:51:05.062 --> 00:51:07.485
Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea.

00:51:07.648 --> 00:51:09.696
Why? Because I won't
have sex with you? Pfft.

00:51:09.858 --> 00:51:11.906
That's really nice, Wallace.

00:51:12.069 --> 00:51:13.537
Uh, no, that's not what I meant.

00:51:14.029 --> 00:51:15.076
(CHUCKLES)

00:51:15.239 --> 00:51:16.661
I know, I'm just kidding.

00:51:16.824 --> 00:51:19.748
Oh, right.
What part are you kidding about?

00:51:19.910 --> 00:51:22.629
- All of it.
- I'm very confused by this conversation.

00:51:22.997 --> 00:51:25.045
Fine, let's go inside.

00:51:26.875 --> 00:51:28.752
(DALIA MOANING)

00:51:31.005 --> 00:51:34.976
- Dude, my sister. Sweet score.
- Um, no, this isn't what it looks like.

00:51:35.551 --> 00:51:38.304
Well, okay.
Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like.

00:51:38.470 --> 00:51:42.850
She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent
genetically identical to me, so...

00:51:43.309 --> 00:51:47.314
Anyway, have fun
making out with my sister.

00:51:47.479 --> 00:51:50.528
Um, actually, just FYI,
if you do go through with this,

00:51:50.691 --> 00:51:52.659
you can be pretty much
absolutely positive

00:51:52.818 --> 00:51:56.539
I will never, ever, ever, ever
have sex with you ever.

00:51:57.072 --> 00:51:58.790
Bam!

00:52:00.492 --> 00:52:01.539
Ever!

00:52:02.453 --> 00:52:03.500
Um, I'm sorry.

00:52:03.662 --> 00:52:08.589
Dalia, I... Look, I think... I think
you're great, but, um, I can't do this.

00:52:08.751 --> 00:52:11.800
Heh. Great?
You think I'm great? I don't...

00:52:11.962 --> 00:52:13.805
I don't throw myself at guys,
like, ever.

00:52:13.964 --> 00:52:16.934
I made an exception for you because
you were cute, and you think I'm great?

00:52:17.092 --> 00:52:18.639
- Great?
- Um...

00:52:18.802 --> 00:52:20.395
- Get the fuck out!
- Sorry.

00:52:20.554 --> 00:52:21.897
- Um...
- God, get your...

00:52:22.348 --> 00:52:23.748
- Get out faster!
- Okay, I'm going!

00:52:23.891 --> 00:52:25.985
- Ow!
- I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this!

00:52:26.143 --> 00:52:29.272
- Goodbye!
- Jesus!

00:52:40.115 --> 00:52:41.708
(LINE RINGING)

00:52:43.827 --> 00:52:47.172
BEN: (OVER PHONE) - Hello?
(WHISPERING) - Ben. Hi.

00:52:47.331 --> 00:52:48.833
- Hi. Are you okay?
- Hi.

00:52:48.999 --> 00:52:50.592
It's the middle of the night there.

00:52:50.751 --> 00:52:52.094
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I'm really good.

00:52:52.252 --> 00:52:55.426
- I'm really just a little bit drunk.
- Okay, but...

00:52:55.589 --> 00:53:00.060
And I'm wearing
such a fancy, fancy dress.

00:53:00.219 --> 00:53:01.721
- I see.
- Um, hang on a second.

00:53:01.887 --> 00:53:03.059
- But...
- Hang on a second.

00:53:03.222 --> 00:53:04.895
Listen very closely, okay?

00:53:05.057 --> 00:53:07.435
- Okay.
- Really closely.

00:53:07.601 --> 00:53:09.069
But...

00:53:11.647 --> 00:53:13.399
- Do you hear that?
- Mm-hm, I can, but...

00:53:13.565 --> 00:53:17.945
That's the sound of me unzipping
my very, very fancy dress...

00:53:18.112 --> 00:53:21.207
- Well, that's good news.
- ...that I happen to be wearing

00:53:21.365 --> 00:53:23.868
really cute panties under.

00:53:24.034 --> 00:53:25.786
- You are?
- And also, like, a bra

00:53:25.953 --> 00:53:28.957
that totally, totally matches.

00:53:29.123 --> 00:53:32.627
- Chantry...
- Can you picture me in them?

00:53:32.793 --> 00:53:35.546
(WHISPERING)
Hey, can you picture me out of them?

00:53:35.713 --> 00:53:37.340
I... I... I definitely can.

00:53:37.506 --> 00:53:41.056
The thing is, I'm just in the, uh, middle
of the Brazilian presentation now.

00:53:41.218 --> 00:53:44.563
That's not to say I, um,
don't fully support the concept.

00:53:44.722 --> 00:53:46.770
It sounds very interesting.

00:53:46.932 --> 00:53:51.654
And, um, I would love to continue
discussing it at a later time.

00:53:51.812 --> 00:53:54.156
Okay, I'll confirm. Bye.

00:53:55.065 --> 00:53:56.237
(PHONE BEEPS)

00:53:57.443 --> 00:53:59.821
Sir. Please, carry on.

00:54:00.112 --> 00:54:01.659
- It's good?
- Oh, yeah.

00:54:24.344 --> 00:54:27.314
DALIA: You never asked me what
happened with Wallace the other night.

00:54:27.473 --> 00:54:30.067
CHANTRY: I'm respecting your privacy.

00:54:30.225 --> 00:54:33.024
He's a big, stupid, fat jerk.

00:54:33.187 --> 00:54:34.814
I hate him.

00:54:34.980 --> 00:54:36.277
Okay.

00:54:36.440 --> 00:54:38.067
He propositioned me.

00:54:38.233 --> 00:54:42.363
He said, like, dirty, disgusting
things he wanted to do to me.

00:54:42.529 --> 00:54:44.497
Me, your little sister.

00:54:44.656 --> 00:54:45.782
That's so terrible.

00:54:45.949 --> 00:54:48.122
I know, and so I told him,
"I'm not that kind of girl,"

00:54:48.285 --> 00:54:49.753
and he just, like, flew into a rage,

00:54:49.912 --> 00:54:53.542
and he attacked me and tried to break
all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out.

00:54:53.707 --> 00:54:55.709
So the cops had to come
and pull him off me.

00:54:55.876 --> 00:54:57.628
- The cops came?
- Yeah.

00:54:57.795 --> 00:55:00.674
And then he just shot them all
in the face, and they all died.

00:55:00.839 --> 00:55:03.279
And some of them had kids
and they'll never know their father.

00:55:03.425 --> 00:55:05.393
He didn't even care.
He was just, like, laughing

00:55:05.552 --> 00:55:08.021
and shooting them all,
and he had a huge chubby.

00:55:08.263 --> 00:55:10.663
And then he said he was gonna
come to your house and kill you

00:55:10.808 --> 00:55:12.276
while you were sleeping.

00:55:12.434 --> 00:55:15.438
Yeah, that sounds
exactly like Wallace.

00:55:15.604 --> 00:55:17.606
Have you talked to him lately?

00:55:17.773 --> 00:55:19.366
No.

00:55:20.484 --> 00:55:22.282
So he didn't say anything about me

00:55:22.444 --> 00:55:25.573
completely humiliating myself
in front of him?

00:55:25.739 --> 00:55:27.707
No.

00:55:27.866 --> 00:55:29.493
He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk,

00:55:29.660 --> 00:55:31.628
and you shouldn't be friends
with him anymore.

00:55:31.787 --> 00:55:33.915
Okay.

00:55:34.081 --> 00:55:36.254
Look how pregnant
I can make myself look.

00:55:36.416 --> 00:55:37.884
(CHANTRY LAUGHS)

00:55:38.919 --> 00:55:40.262
You want to feel my baby?

00:55:40.420 --> 00:55:42.138
It's so hard.

00:55:42.297 --> 00:55:44.095
- Oh, my God, it kicked!
- Shut up. Heh-heh.

00:55:44.967 --> 00:55:46.560
I'm gonna make you raise it.

00:55:46.718 --> 00:55:49.096
(BOTH LAUGH)

00:55:51.306 --> 00:55:52.353
HOLLY: I'm firing Josh.

00:55:52.516 --> 00:55:54.564
The Taiwan team hates him,
nobody listens to him.

00:55:54.726 --> 00:55:57.570
On the plus side, I hear
he's banging enough Taiwanese girls

00:55:57.729 --> 00:55:59.276
to qualify for
the douche-bag Olympics.

00:55:59.439 --> 00:56:00.691
So there's a silver lining.

00:56:00.858 --> 00:56:02.610
That's, um, unfortunate.

00:56:02.776 --> 00:56:05.871
I need someone full-time in Taiwan
to clean up Josh's mess.

00:56:06.029 --> 00:56:07.076
I want it to be you.

00:56:07.239 --> 00:56:08.839
I mean, this whole thing
is your concept.

00:56:08.991 --> 00:56:11.031
If we had had you as project manager
from the start,

00:56:11.159 --> 00:56:13.279
- we'd have saved a lot of time.
- Honestly, I just...

00:56:13.370 --> 00:56:16.544
I don't even know if I would enjoy
being the project manager, so...

00:56:16.707 --> 00:56:18.584
You get an apartment, car,
language lessons.

00:56:18.750 --> 00:56:20.172
- Yeah.
- Obviously a raise.

00:56:20.335 --> 00:56:22.015
I need your answer
by the end of the month.

00:56:22.170 --> 00:56:25.470
And to be clear, this is the last time
I offer you a promotion.

00:56:25.632 --> 00:56:28.101
Okay. I got it.

00:56:29.469 --> 00:56:30.516
Holly, um...

00:56:32.097 --> 00:56:33.849
I'm gonna think about it,
I promise.

00:56:39.354 --> 00:56:40.526
(SIGHS)

00:56:40.689 --> 00:56:44.034
CHANTRY: So I was reading
this thing about how, um,

00:56:44.192 --> 00:56:48.038
when, uh, they were trying
to name Cool Whip,

00:56:48.196 --> 00:56:51.120
they came up with 10,000 ideas.

00:56:51.283 --> 00:56:53.627
Like, they brainstormed
10,000 ideas.

00:56:53.785 --> 00:56:55.465
And none of them
were as good as Cool Whip?

00:56:55.621 --> 00:56:57.589
No, Cool Whip was the best.
That's what they said.

00:56:57.748 --> 00:57:00.968
And they said, "Just try to, like,
think of, like, ten of your own,"

00:57:01.126 --> 00:57:05.302
just to see, like, um, how hard it is.

00:57:05.464 --> 00:57:06.886
- Cool Puff.
- Puffy Whip.

00:57:07.049 --> 00:57:08.426
- Creamy Dream.
- Zit Topping.

00:57:08.592 --> 00:57:09.969
- Angel Puff.
- Angel Gas.

00:57:10.135 --> 00:57:12.763
Bruce Springscream
and the E-Foam Band.

00:57:12.930 --> 00:57:15.058
- Puffin' Lovin'.
- Dump That Puff on My Face.

00:57:15.223 --> 00:57:16.725
Whip-Master Cool
and the Puff Brigade.

00:57:16.892 --> 00:57:18.412
NICOLE: - Ha-ha-ha.
- Stuff Me with Puff.

00:57:18.477 --> 00:57:19.854
Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam.

00:57:20.020 --> 00:57:21.420
NICOLE: Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A.

00:57:21.438 --> 00:57:24.032
- Shove This Shit on Food.
- Whip-Whippy-Whippy Pippitins.

00:57:24.191 --> 00:57:26.410
(ALL LAUGH)

00:57:26.568 --> 00:57:28.115
- So how many is that?
- I don't know.

00:57:28.278 --> 00:57:29.871
- Yeah, it's not that hard.
- No.

00:57:30.030 --> 00:57:31.657
- No.
- Let's go swimming!

00:57:31.823 --> 00:57:33.370
(ALLAN GRUNTS)

00:57:34.159 --> 00:57:37.584
- I didn't bring my suit, did you?
NICOLE: - No.

00:57:37.955 --> 00:57:40.208
ALLAN: We take our clothes off?
NICOLE: Yeah.

00:57:40.374 --> 00:57:41.421
(GRUNTS)

00:57:41.583 --> 00:57:43.263
NICOLE: You gonna come get me?
ALLAN: Yeah!

00:57:43.293 --> 00:57:45.466
Are you gonna come get me?
Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

00:57:45.629 --> 00:57:47.723
ALLAN: Ow! You're hitting me!

00:57:47.881 --> 00:57:50.134
NICOLE: Ha-ha-ha!
ALLAN: It's very warm.

00:57:50.300 --> 00:57:52.060
- Ooh! It's cold! It's cold!
NICOLE: - Ha-ha!

00:57:52.177 --> 00:57:53.224
ALLAN: It's cold.

00:57:53.387 --> 00:57:55.185
ALLAN: (SINGING) It's cold!

00:57:56.056 --> 00:57:57.353
NICOLE: Allan!

00:58:00.477 --> 00:58:02.275
Ow! Don't!

00:58:06.984 --> 00:58:09.362
Do you want to go swimming?

00:58:10.779 --> 00:58:12.406
Yeah.

00:58:20.831 --> 00:58:22.128
Do you think it'll be cold?

00:58:22.290 --> 00:58:23.883
Yep.

00:58:54.698 --> 00:58:57.076
You've got a tattoo.

00:58:57.242 --> 00:58:58.994
Yeah.

00:59:00.495 --> 00:59:02.873
- Yeah, it's, um...
- It... I know, it's...

00:59:03.457 --> 00:59:05.505
It's your mom, right?

00:59:08.879 --> 00:59:10.301
- Oh, God!
- What?

00:59:10.464 --> 00:59:12.387
Something just...
Something just touched my foot.

00:59:12.549 --> 00:59:14.017
- Okay.
- No, it was really gross.

00:59:14.176 --> 00:59:15.678
WALLACE: - Okay.
- It's not funny.

00:59:15.844 --> 00:59:16.891
WALLACE: That was funny.

00:59:19.931 --> 00:59:21.353
Oh...

00:59:25.187 --> 00:59:28.782
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, yeah. Wow.

00:59:28.940 --> 00:59:30.066
(WALLACE CHUCKLES)

00:59:30.233 --> 00:59:32.327
CHANTRY: Wallace?

00:59:33.028 --> 00:59:34.496
WALLACE: Yes?

00:59:35.113 --> 00:59:37.332
I'll look if you look.

00:59:39.951 --> 00:59:41.294
Okay.

01:00:04.309 --> 01:00:06.403
Where are our clothes?

01:00:07.104 --> 01:00:10.699
WALLACE: - Did we drift further down?
- No, the fire's right there.

01:00:12.692 --> 01:00:15.320
Yeah, they took our clothes.

01:00:27.582 --> 01:00:29.084
CHANTRY: Oh, God.

01:00:36.049 --> 01:00:37.847
The car is gone.

01:00:38.009 --> 01:00:40.262
God, how'd it get so cold?
It wasn't cold at all before.

01:00:40.428 --> 01:00:42.180
It was, like, a warm night.

01:00:42.347 --> 01:00:45.442
Okay, um, you keep the sleeping bag
and I will figure something out.

01:00:45.600 --> 01:00:48.069
No, I can't let you just, like,
spend the night on the sand,

01:00:48.228 --> 01:00:51.107
like, all cold and wet
and naked like a walrus.

01:00:51.273 --> 01:00:52.991
(LAUGHS)

01:00:53.150 --> 01:00:54.697
Do you think that's funny?

01:00:55.026 --> 01:00:57.245
Do you think this is, like,
some hilarious prank

01:00:57.404 --> 01:01:00.499
played on us by our wacky pals?
Because I don't.

01:01:00.657 --> 01:01:02.455
I thought you were trying
to lighten the mood

01:01:02.617 --> 01:01:04.915
with a mildly amusing joke
involving a walrus.

01:01:05.078 --> 01:01:08.048
I'm sorry if I misunderstood the
seriousness of your walrus reference.

01:01:08.206 --> 01:01:09.423
Don't be an asshole.

01:01:09.583 --> 01:01:12.177
- I'm not being an arsehole.
- You are. You are being an asshole.

01:01:12.335 --> 01:01:15.805
You're not taking this seriously, and
you're treating it like a joke, and it's not.

01:01:15.964 --> 01:01:19.468
There is a line, a line that should not
be crossed, and they crossed it.

01:01:19.634 --> 01:01:22.513
And you know what? Treating it
like a joke is being an asshole.

01:01:22.679 --> 01:01:25.023
I'm not treating this like a joke,
and I am not being an arsehole.

01:01:25.182 --> 01:01:27.150
Allan is being an arsehole,
Nicole is being an arsehole,

01:01:27.309 --> 01:01:28.909
and right now,
you are being an arsehole.

01:01:29.019 --> 01:01:31.021
Me? I'm standing here with a branch.

01:01:31.188 --> 01:01:34.863
A branch that cuts down zero percent
of the wind-chill factor on my dick.

01:01:35.025 --> 01:01:36.785
I've got a branch,
you've got a sleeping bag.

01:01:36.943 --> 01:01:39.071
How does that make me an arsehole?

01:01:39.821 --> 01:01:42.040
- Fine.
- Fine? What does "fine" mean?

01:01:42.199 --> 01:01:44.998
Fine! It means we'll share.

01:01:59.966 --> 01:02:01.639
WALLACE: Ah.

01:02:06.640 --> 01:02:09.189
- Chantry?
- What?

01:02:09.351 --> 01:02:11.649
They brought our clothes back.

01:02:27.494 --> 01:02:29.254
ALLAN: - I'll never doubt you again.
- Mm-hm.

01:02:35.669 --> 01:02:38.172
NICOLE: Hey, you guys have fun last night?

01:02:42.884 --> 01:02:44.306
ALLAN: Hey.

01:02:46.721 --> 01:02:49.270
- Sleep well?
WALLACE: - You're an arsehole.

01:04:00.045 --> 01:04:02.764
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

01:04:06.801 --> 01:04:09.850
(BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH)

01:04:15.143 --> 01:04:16.190
CHANTRY: Ben.

01:04:17.437 --> 01:04:18.563
Chantry?

01:04:18.730 --> 01:04:20.170
(JULIANNE SCREAMS
THEN CHANTRY GASPS)

01:04:21.691 --> 01:04:23.491
BEN: Julianne is part of
the Argentinean team.

01:04:23.651 --> 01:04:25.574
She lives in the apartment
next door.

01:04:25.737 --> 01:04:28.741
A bunch of us went for a drink after
work, and I was just helping her home.

01:04:28.907 --> 01:04:30.387
Ben, I'm not accusing you
of anything.

01:04:30.533 --> 01:04:32.080
JULIANNE: You need not worry about his fidelity.

01:04:32.243 --> 01:04:35.087
I'm not some beautiful
but morally corrupt Argentine girl.

01:04:35.246 --> 01:04:36.793
Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?

01:04:36.956 --> 01:04:39.755
Because I wanted
to surprise you.

01:04:39.918 --> 01:04:40.965
Surprise.

01:04:41.127 --> 01:04:43.926
Okay, I need to go
to my apartment now,

01:04:44.089 --> 01:04:46.933
and stuff old socks in my ears

01:04:47.092 --> 01:04:49.220
so I don't hear your lovemaking
through the wall.

01:04:49.386 --> 01:04:51.263
And I'm keeping this meat.

01:04:51.805 --> 01:04:54.058
BEN: Good night.
Sorry, you... You startled me.

01:04:54.224 --> 01:04:56.443
This isn't how I planned
to welcome you to Dublin.

01:04:56.935 --> 01:04:58.312
Are you still startled?

01:04:58.478 --> 01:05:00.196
Should I get you some warm milk?

01:05:02.232 --> 01:05:03.859
Welcome to Dublin.

01:05:38.017 --> 01:05:39.860
(CHATTERING)

01:05:52.282 --> 01:05:55.081
So, um, I was reading this thing
about, uh,

01:05:55.243 --> 01:05:57.803
how when they were trying to come up
with the name for Cool Whip,

01:05:57.954 --> 01:06:00.154
- they brainstormed 10,000 ideas...
- What is Cool Whip?

01:06:00.290 --> 01:06:02.543
It's a kind of processed cream.
Comes in a spray can.

01:06:02.709 --> 01:06:03.756
- Ah!
- Or in a tub.

01:06:03.918 --> 01:06:05.010
I've had the Cool Whip.

01:06:05.170 --> 01:06:07.639
I prefer the fresh whipped cream.

01:06:07.797 --> 01:06:10.558
Well, when they were trying to come
up with the name for that product,

01:06:10.717 --> 01:06:13.470
uh, they brainstormed
10,000 ideas,

01:06:13.636 --> 01:06:17.641
and they said try to come up with ten
of your own just to see how hard it is.

01:06:17.807 --> 01:06:21.482
Like Puffy Whip,
or Whip... Wiffy Puff.

01:06:21.644 --> 01:06:23.692
Puffy Air. Whippy Air.

01:06:23.855 --> 01:06:26.153
Um, Cow Mixture?

01:06:26.316 --> 01:06:28.444
- Sweet Dreams?
- Sweet Dreams.

01:06:28.985 --> 01:06:30.532
Cotton Vul-Candi-cow?

01:06:30.695 --> 01:06:31.947
It could be one.

01:06:32.113 --> 01:06:33.706
Cloudy Cow?

01:06:34.949 --> 01:06:38.328
So you must be
really proud of our Benji.

01:06:38.495 --> 01:06:40.338
- Yeah.
- He has the Brazilians on the run.

01:06:40.497 --> 01:06:43.626
Heh-heh-heh. You know he has
the whole negotiation in his hands?

01:06:43.791 --> 01:06:46.089
We're so happy that he's able
to stay another six months.

01:06:46.252 --> 01:06:48.596
And his Portuguese
is really coming on.

01:06:48.755 --> 01:06:51.725
He's going to be so good
by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro...

01:06:51.883 --> 01:06:53.403
BEN: I haven't accepted the offer yet.

01:06:53.551 --> 01:06:56.145
Obviously, I was planning
on talking to you about it first,

01:06:56.304 --> 01:06:58.056
but I mean, I love it here.

01:06:58.223 --> 01:07:02.273
Not just the work.
The people, the culture, the music.

01:07:02.435 --> 01:07:04.108
You never asked me
to move here with you.

01:07:04.270 --> 01:07:06.193
When you got the job,
you never asked me to come.

01:07:06.356 --> 01:07:07.983
I didn't want to ask you
to quit a job.

01:07:08.149 --> 01:07:10.151
- And I mean, you never offered.
- You never asked.

01:07:10.318 --> 01:07:12.992
Well, okay, I'm asking you now.

01:07:13.154 --> 01:07:15.373
I mean, there must be
animation companies here.

01:07:15.532 --> 01:07:17.412
I couldn't do that to Holly.
She's been generous

01:07:17.534 --> 01:07:19.161
giving me this week
to make my decision.

01:07:19.327 --> 01:07:22.627
Okay, so take the job.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

01:07:22.789 --> 01:07:24.132
You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here.

01:07:24.290 --> 01:07:25.382
We can meet in the middle.

01:07:25.542 --> 01:07:26.589
Like in Toronto?

01:07:26.751 --> 01:07:30.130
No, like Tel Aviv,
Istanbul, Mumbai...

01:07:30.296 --> 01:07:33.140
It'll be a story
we can tell our kids.

01:07:33.383 --> 01:07:35.886
- It's romantic.
- Sounds lonely.

01:07:36.052 --> 01:07:39.898
Look, I'm just trying
to make this work, okay?

01:07:40.640 --> 01:07:41.937
Don't you wanna make this work?

01:07:50.441 --> 01:07:52.910
Did you guys want to borrow
some of my balls?

01:07:53.194 --> 01:07:56.949
I think someone sharted
and it might be Mrs. Cole.

01:07:57.115 --> 01:07:59.584
Everyone, check.
Check. Shart check.

01:07:59.742 --> 01:08:01.710
You can look it up
on Urban Dictionary.

01:08:01.869 --> 01:08:05.373
Fail. You couldn't find that stone
if it was in your kidney.

01:08:05.540 --> 01:08:07.588
I can see your back acne
through your blouse.

01:08:07.750 --> 01:08:11.220
WALLACE: Look at you just drunkenly
spewing out joy like a shit Santa.

01:08:11.379 --> 01:08:14.303
- Yep.
WALLACE: - That's you now, yeah?

01:08:16.050 --> 01:08:18.348
Nicole's spending the night
at Becky's.

01:08:18.511 --> 01:08:20.605
We had a fight.

01:08:21.222 --> 01:08:23.896
First fight as a married couple.

01:08:24.058 --> 01:08:26.026
Ta-da! You want a beer?

01:08:26.185 --> 01:08:27.732
Sure.

01:08:34.902 --> 01:08:38.202
So, um...

01:08:38.865 --> 01:08:41.459
I'm sorry, okay?

01:08:41.618 --> 01:08:44.371
I let Nicole talk me into it,
even though I knew it was a bad idea.

01:08:44.537 --> 01:08:45.584
I'm not like you.

01:08:45.747 --> 01:08:48.546
I can't hook up with somebody
if they're already with someone else.

01:08:48.708 --> 01:08:51.211
It's wrong. It was wrong
when my parents did it to each other,

01:08:51.377 --> 01:08:52.879
it was wrong
when Megan did it to me.

01:08:53.046 --> 01:08:55.014
It was wrong when you and Nicole
did it to her ex.

01:08:55.173 --> 01:08:57.847
You don't think the fact
that we got married kind of justifies it?

01:08:58.009 --> 01:09:00.809
Not unless you want to be married
to someone who doesn't mind cheating.

01:09:00.970 --> 01:09:03.473
Hey, that's my wife, okay?

01:09:03.640 --> 01:09:06.985
Nicole talks a good game, but she's
been hurt like everybody else.

01:09:07.143 --> 01:09:08.895
Her ex was a dick.

01:09:09.062 --> 01:09:10.439
He treated her real bad.

01:09:10.605 --> 01:09:11.652
It's complicated.

01:09:11.814 --> 01:09:14.533
All this love shit's complicated.
And that's good.

01:09:14.692 --> 01:09:17.036
Because if it's too simple,
you've got no reason to try.

01:09:17.195 --> 01:09:19.948
And if you got no reason to try,
you don't.

01:09:20.114 --> 01:09:24.164
Oh. Oh... Wait, I just described you.

01:09:25.328 --> 01:09:27.171
You know what? Maybe you're right.

01:09:27.330 --> 01:09:29.958
But either way,
you're an arsehole, Allan.

01:09:36.589 --> 01:09:38.432
Hit a three-pointer!

01:09:43.930 --> 01:09:45.432
(SIGHS)

01:09:48.226 --> 01:09:50.024
(KNOCKING)

01:09:53.648 --> 01:09:55.946
- Hi.
- Hi.

01:09:56.109 --> 01:09:57.782
Come in or whatever.

01:09:58.111 --> 01:09:59.988
Uh...

01:10:00.988 --> 01:10:02.706
I just jogged over here
to feed the cat.

01:10:02.865 --> 01:10:04.945
If I don't shower right away
my pores get all clogged

01:10:05.076 --> 01:10:07.420
and I get this, like, zit nest
on my forehead.

01:10:07.578 --> 01:10:09.546
So, uh, why are you
feeding the cat?

01:10:09.706 --> 01:10:11.128
So it doesn't starve to death.

01:10:11.290 --> 01:10:13.839
- But why can't Chantry feed it?
- Because she flew to Dublin.

01:10:14.794 --> 01:10:16.717
She flew to Dublin?

01:10:16.879 --> 01:10:18.802
Yes, of course she did.

01:10:20.091 --> 01:10:21.217
You like her.

01:10:21.592 --> 01:10:22.639
(DALIA SCOFFS)

01:10:22.802 --> 01:10:24.270
You like Chantry.

01:10:24.429 --> 01:10:26.589
Get in the shower.
I can see your blackheads from here.

01:10:26.639 --> 01:10:29.392
No, don't get all snooty with me
just because you're so busted.

01:10:29.559 --> 01:10:31.106
Look,
I'm not in love with your sister.

01:10:31.269 --> 01:10:34.022
You are a nice-ish guy,

01:10:34.188 --> 01:10:35.235
and you're amusing,

01:10:35.398 --> 01:10:37.071
but Chantry loves Ben.

01:10:37.233 --> 01:10:39.782
They're gonna get married
and live happily ever after.

01:10:40.361 --> 01:10:43.365
You're just gonna be this guy that she
was friends with for a couple months.

01:10:43.531 --> 01:10:46.751
"What was his name...?
Walter? I don't know."

01:10:46.909 --> 01:10:49.958
So you just need to do whatever
you need to do to get over it, okay?

01:10:50.288 --> 01:10:52.837
Because it's never gonna happen.

01:11:08.473 --> 01:11:11.852
WOMAN: (OVER PA) Welcome to
Dublin and thank you for flying with us.

01:11:29.494 --> 01:11:30.711
(DOORBELL RINGS)

01:11:32.622 --> 01:11:33.965
Okay.

01:11:39.504 --> 01:11:40.801
She's gone.

01:11:42.590 --> 01:11:45.844
Is she coming back?

01:11:50.515 --> 01:11:52.188
(WALLACE GRUNTING)

01:11:53.726 --> 01:11:55.728
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

01:11:59.941 --> 01:12:01.693
CHANTRY: (ON RECORDING) Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry.

01:12:01.859 --> 01:12:02.906
I'm getting on a plane right now,

01:12:03.069 --> 01:12:04.867
and I'm wondering
if you're free for lunch tomorrow

01:12:05.029 --> 01:12:07.999
at, like, noon,
at the George Street Diner?

01:12:08.157 --> 01:12:10.501
Uh, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

01:12:12.578 --> 01:12:16.424
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

01:12:16.582 --> 01:12:17.629
Taxi!

01:12:19.961 --> 01:12:21.008
George Street Diner!

01:12:22.213 --> 01:12:23.635
Shit!

01:12:27.969 --> 01:12:29.516
Excuse me!

01:12:37.061 --> 01:12:38.108
(EXHALES SHARPLY)

01:12:39.647 --> 01:12:41.149
(DOOR OPENS)

01:12:43.901 --> 01:12:45.903
CHANTRY: - Hi.
- Hey.

01:12:47.238 --> 01:12:49.206
Oh, my God,
what did you do to yourself?

01:12:49.365 --> 01:12:51.709
Oh, um, ninja attack.

01:12:51.868 --> 01:12:53.791
Oh! The stupid ninjas.

01:12:53.953 --> 01:12:55.045
- I know.
- I hate them.

01:12:55.204 --> 01:12:58.003
Me too. Very annoying.

01:13:00.167 --> 01:13:01.840
Oh, thank you.

01:13:02.003 --> 01:13:03.846
I'm good.

01:13:05.590 --> 01:13:07.592
- How you doing? Heh.
- Hi.

01:13:08.092 --> 01:13:09.810
So I went to Dublin, right?

01:13:09.969 --> 01:13:12.313
- Right. Yes.
- Yes. Listen...

01:13:12.471 --> 01:13:14.071
There's a bunch of stuff
going on with me

01:13:14.223 --> 01:13:16.772
that I haven't told you about
because...

01:13:16.934 --> 01:13:20.029
...I haven't been sure
what the right thing to do is.

01:13:20.187 --> 01:13:21.780
Wallace, your face
just looks terrible.

01:13:21.939 --> 01:13:25.614
Oh, no, don't worry about it, really.
Um, what were you gonna say?

01:13:26.319 --> 01:13:29.698
Okay, so... Just that...

01:13:30.865 --> 01:13:34.790
I've been having to do
a lot of big-picture thinking about...

01:13:35.453 --> 01:13:38.878
Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate
because of your mangled head.

01:13:39.040 --> 01:13:41.134
What did you do to yourself?

01:13:41.292 --> 01:13:43.386
Did you hit yourself with something?

01:13:43.544 --> 01:13:44.921
Car accident?

01:13:45.087 --> 01:13:47.556
Did you walk into a door...?

01:13:50.051 --> 01:13:51.268
Ben punched me.

01:13:52.803 --> 01:13:54.976
I flew to Dublin.

01:14:00.436 --> 01:14:01.733
Why did you fly to Dublin?

01:14:02.563 --> 01:14:06.443
To tell you how I feel about you.

01:14:07.652 --> 01:14:10.246
- That's not why.
- Well, I wanted to be honest with you.

01:14:10.404 --> 01:14:12.202
You could have been
honest with me any time.

01:14:12.615 --> 01:14:16.586
You flew to Dublin
to break up me and Ben.

01:14:17.119 --> 01:14:18.712
Right?

01:14:19.038 --> 01:14:20.585
Uh...

01:14:21.457 --> 01:14:24.711
How long have you felt this way?

01:14:26.253 --> 01:14:28.676
Pretty much since the day we met.

01:14:28.839 --> 01:14:31.092
So...

01:14:31.258 --> 01:14:33.932
...when I said "I have a boyfriend
and I just want to be friends"

01:14:34.095 --> 01:14:36.295
and you said that's what
you wanted too, that was a lie?

01:14:36.430 --> 01:14:38.683
- No. No. I wanted that to be true.
- But it wasn't.

01:14:38.849 --> 01:14:41.068
- You never wanted to be my friend.
- We are friends.

01:14:41.227 --> 01:14:46.028
I haven't just been trying to
put my junk inside your trunk.

01:14:47.108 --> 01:14:50.282
I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy,
but you're totally that kind of guy.

01:14:50.444 --> 01:14:53.244
God, he must think I'm such an idiot.
You must think I'm such an idiot.

01:14:53.406 --> 01:14:54.686
- Of course not.
- I trusted you.

01:14:54.824 --> 01:14:57.998
I trusted we were
what we said we were: friends.

01:14:58.160 --> 01:15:00.128
But you can't be friends
if you're skulking around

01:15:00.287 --> 01:15:01.967
waiting for some opportunity
to screw them.

01:15:02.123 --> 01:15:04.171
No! Look...
What are you talking about?

01:15:04.333 --> 01:15:06.711
I'm not...
It's not like you've caught me

01:15:06.877 --> 01:15:09.756
bathing in orphan blood
or masturbating in your kitchen.

01:15:09.922 --> 01:15:11.595
I just...

01:15:11.757 --> 01:15:14.556
I like you a little bit more romantically
than I let on.

01:15:14.719 --> 01:15:15.766
It's not a crime.

01:15:16.554 --> 01:15:19.603
And if it is,
you're not exactly innocent.

01:15:20.307 --> 01:15:21.604
What's that supposed to mean?

01:15:21.976 --> 01:15:24.980
You crossed all the same lines I did,
and I was single. You weren't.

01:15:25.479 --> 01:15:27.698
I've never cheated on anybody.

01:15:27.857 --> 01:15:30.280
And now you're making me feel like
I somehow cheated on Ben?

01:15:30.443 --> 01:15:31.535
Wait. Hold on.

01:15:31.694 --> 01:15:33.492
I'm making you feel like that?

01:15:33.654 --> 01:15:36.203
What, and you did nothing
that I might possibly misconstrue?

01:15:36.365 --> 01:15:39.289
That night on the beach?
"I'll look if you look"?

01:15:39.452 --> 01:15:40.920
I mean...

01:15:41.078 --> 01:15:42.438
What, did you tell Ben about that?

01:15:48.502 --> 01:15:50.004
That was a mistake.

01:15:50.171 --> 01:15:52.390
This was a mistake.

01:15:54.050 --> 01:15:55.097
- I'm leaving.
- Please...

01:15:55.259 --> 01:15:57.603
- No, Chantry, please...
- No, I'm leaving the country.

01:15:57.762 --> 01:15:59.002
- You're moving to Dublin?
- No.

01:15:59.305 --> 01:16:01.524
I've been offered a job in Taiwan.

01:16:01.682 --> 01:16:03.025
I'm putting my career first.

01:16:03.184 --> 01:16:05.027
So I'll be gone soon,

01:16:05.186 --> 01:16:06.233
for a year.

01:16:06.937 --> 01:16:08.814
Maybe more.

01:16:09.398 --> 01:16:12.026
It's a really big promotion.

01:16:14.528 --> 01:16:16.496
Congratulations.

01:16:21.410 --> 01:16:22.457
See you around, Wallace.

01:16:36.008 --> 01:16:38.431
- Uncle Wallace?
- Not right now, Felix.

01:16:38.594 --> 01:16:42.519
FELIX: - Can I talk to you?
- Felix, I said not right now!

01:16:42.681 --> 01:16:45.025
I'm having a bad life.

01:16:47.019 --> 01:16:48.521
What are you doing
that's so important

01:16:48.687 --> 01:16:50.689
that you don't have time
for your nephew?

01:16:50.856 --> 01:16:52.233
I'm not the kid's dad, all right?

01:16:52.399 --> 01:16:54.697
- He's your responsibility, not mine.
- Fine.

01:16:54.860 --> 01:16:56.112
I'm a bad morn.

01:16:56.278 --> 01:16:57.655
And when Felix grows up,

01:16:57.822 --> 01:17:00.245
he can blame me
for all his problems

01:17:00.407 --> 01:17:01.847
and the circle of life can continue.

01:17:01.992 --> 01:17:03.585
I'm doing the best I can.

01:17:03.744 --> 01:17:06.418
Which is all any of us can do,
except you.

01:17:06.580 --> 01:17:08.548
You are not doing
the best you can do! You...

01:17:08.707 --> 01:17:09.799
(GASPS)

01:17:09.959 --> 01:17:12.553
What's wrong? What's wrong?
Are you choking?

01:17:13.254 --> 01:17:15.097
Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you.

01:17:15.464 --> 01:17:16.807
Unh. Okay. Again.

01:17:16.966 --> 01:17:18.309
(ELLIE GASPS)

01:17:18.467 --> 01:17:19.810
- Big One!
- Unh!

01:17:19.969 --> 01:17:21.016
WALLACE: Oh, God.

01:17:21.178 --> 01:17:22.225
(ELLIE PANTING)

01:17:28.060 --> 01:17:31.155
Ellie, you know
you're not a bad mom, right?

01:17:31.313 --> 01:17:35.193
It wasn't my plan that you should be
my son's primary male role model.

01:17:35.484 --> 01:17:37.578
But you are.

01:17:38.362 --> 01:17:41.787
DALIA: Mm... Mine.

01:17:42.575 --> 01:17:44.452
Gross.

01:17:44.618 --> 01:17:46.791
This expired months ago.

01:17:46.954 --> 01:17:49.173
Yeah, it's probably Ben's.

01:17:49.832 --> 01:17:52.506
So that's it?
You're just gonna throw it away?

01:17:52.877 --> 01:17:54.845
Let me guess,
we're not talking about salsa.

01:17:55.004 --> 01:17:57.177
I just think you're making
a huge mistake.

01:17:57.339 --> 01:18:00.388
- You really think Taiwan's a mistake?
- Yes, I do.

01:18:00.551 --> 01:18:03.145
I think you're totally
screwing up your life, actually.

01:18:11.604 --> 01:18:13.231
(DALIA SIGHS)

01:18:16.734 --> 01:18:18.452
Or not, maybe?

01:18:18.611 --> 01:18:20.613
I just don't have any idea
what I'm doing.

01:18:20.779 --> 01:18:23.578
I'm gonna be all the way over there,
and I'm not gonna have anybody.

01:18:23.741 --> 01:18:26.836
I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna
have all these responsibilities,

01:18:26.994 --> 01:18:29.292
and then...
And you're gonna be so far away.

01:18:29.455 --> 01:18:30.707
And Ben and...

01:18:33.584 --> 01:18:35.837
And there's, you know...

01:18:38.047 --> 01:18:39.424
Wallace?

01:18:40.716 --> 01:18:42.468
Yeah.

01:18:43.636 --> 01:18:45.638
Yeah. Have you heard from him?

01:18:45.804 --> 01:18:49.058
No, but I think
I messed it up really bad.

01:18:49.225 --> 01:18:51.648
I called him a liar.

01:18:51.810 --> 01:18:53.403
And I think that I might be the liar.

01:18:53.562 --> 01:18:55.360
- No.
- Yes.

01:18:55.522 --> 01:18:58.241
I mean, I think it might count as lying
if you lie to yourself.

01:18:58.400 --> 01:19:00.573
No. Come here.

01:19:03.155 --> 01:19:05.328
WALLACE: Everything might have
turned out for the best.

01:19:05.491 --> 01:19:09.212
I'm, um...
I'm going back to Med school.

01:19:09.370 --> 01:19:12.340
- I sent in my application today.
- Oh. So you just gave up?

01:19:12.498 --> 01:19:14.296
Mm? No.

01:19:14.458 --> 01:19:16.301
I'm not giving up. I'm going...

01:19:16.460 --> 01:19:18.963
I'm getting back to the life
I was supposed to have by now.

01:19:19.129 --> 01:19:21.803
When you're old and wrinkled
and your penis doesn't work anymore...

01:19:21.966 --> 01:19:23.309
Not that it's in great shape now.

01:19:23.467 --> 01:19:27.973
But in that old, wrinkled, dickless future,
will this seem like the right call?

01:19:28.305 --> 01:19:31.559
Yes. I'll think dropping out of Med
school because of a girl was stupid.

01:19:31.725 --> 01:19:34.774
Not chasing after a girl who doesn't
want me was definitely smart.

01:19:34.937 --> 01:19:35.984
I'm a doctor now.

01:19:36.146 --> 01:19:40.117
I've saved probably millions of lives,
because I'm brilliant.

01:19:40.276 --> 01:19:42.199
I cured the zombie epidemic.
You remember that?

01:19:42.361 --> 01:19:44.363
I found the cure,
so you can all be grateful,

01:19:44.530 --> 01:19:46.703
shut up and stop
questioning my decisions.

01:19:46.865 --> 01:19:49.664
ALLAN: Eh-eh. Eh...
WALLACE: What?

01:19:49.827 --> 01:19:52.671
Well, it was supposed
to be a secret,

01:19:52.830 --> 01:19:58.508
but loose lips over here
knocked me up.

01:19:58.669 --> 01:19:59.966
- Oh, shit!
ALLAN: - Ha-ha.

01:20:00.129 --> 01:20:01.631
You got a baby in you!

01:20:01.797 --> 01:20:03.757
NICOLE: - Yeah, I know. I know.
- Congratulations!

01:20:03.841 --> 01:20:06.219
Oh, that means the Apocalypse
has really started.

01:20:06.385 --> 01:20:08.729
- That's great!
NICOLE: - Yay!

01:20:08.887 --> 01:20:11.936
And you're the first person we told,
so you can't be mad at us anymore.

01:20:13.225 --> 01:20:16.274
You have to forgive pregnant people
for anything they've ever done to you.

01:20:16.437 --> 01:20:18.314
- It's like a federal law.
- Deal.

01:20:18.480 --> 01:20:20.528
Wow.
I can't wait to meet this kid.

01:20:20.691 --> 01:20:22.989
NICOLE: Yeah. And...

01:20:23.152 --> 01:20:25.996
...we're having a going-away party
for Chantry,

01:20:26.155 --> 01:20:28.408
and you should come to it
to say goodbye.

01:20:30.909 --> 01:20:32.206
No.

01:20:32.369 --> 01:20:35.088
No, we already said our goodbyes.

01:20:42.921 --> 01:20:44.719
(CHATTERING)

01:21:01.982 --> 01:21:04.405
- Wallace?
- No.

01:21:09.990 --> 01:21:11.458
- It's nice.
- So slutty.

01:21:11.617 --> 01:21:13.244
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.

01:21:40.521 --> 01:21:43.946
No, I think mine are normal
and yours are tiny.

01:21:48.112 --> 01:21:49.580
(ALL LAUGH)

01:21:53.867 --> 01:21:55.307
GRETCHEN: I don't want you to leave.

01:21:55.411 --> 01:21:57.505
- No.
- Me neither.

01:22:00.332 --> 01:22:01.675
I'm sorry I'm late.

01:22:03.961 --> 01:22:05.679
CHANTRY: Bye. Skype me.

01:22:05.838 --> 01:22:07.511
Be careful.
Take care of yourselves.

01:22:07.673 --> 01:22:09.846
- I'm never gonna Skype.
- Call me tomorrow.

01:22:10.008 --> 01:22:11.681
DALIA: Bye.

01:22:15.472 --> 01:22:17.474
CHANTRY: - Hey.
- Hey.

01:22:22.354 --> 01:22:24.402
- How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?

01:22:24.565 --> 01:22:26.784
WALLACE: - Good.
- Good.

01:22:27.192 --> 01:22:30.992
Um, so your new job
is going to be amazing.

01:22:31.155 --> 01:22:32.998
Um, and you get to live in Asia.

01:22:33.157 --> 01:22:35.159
- Yeah.
- I hear Taiwan is incredible.

01:22:35.325 --> 01:22:37.544
Yeah, and you're gonna
go back to Med school.

01:22:37.703 --> 01:22:38.750
Yeah. Yes.

01:22:38.912 --> 01:22:41.040
That is so great.

01:22:42.332 --> 01:22:44.050
You think so?

01:22:44.918 --> 01:22:46.920
No. Actually, I've always hated doctors,

01:22:47.087 --> 01:22:49.556
so I pretty much think
you've become the Antichrist.

01:22:49.715 --> 01:22:51.558
Right. And Taiwan is shit.

01:22:51.717 --> 01:22:53.845
That was... Everything I said
a second ago was a lie.

01:22:54.011 --> 01:22:55.729
And you're gonna have
an awful time because

01:22:55.888 --> 01:22:59.108
- Chantry means "syphilitic woman."
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

01:22:59.266 --> 01:23:00.666
Well, at least it will be accurate.

01:23:00.809 --> 01:23:02.982
- Yeah, right. Exactly.
- Yeah...

01:23:03.145 --> 01:23:05.694
So how long until you see,
um, people just as, like,

01:23:05.856 --> 01:23:08.075
slabs of meat that you can cut up
and sew back together,

01:23:08.233 --> 01:23:10.736
and not, like, actual people
with, like, real feelings?

01:23:10.903 --> 01:23:12.423
Oh, God,
hopefully as soon as possible.

01:23:12.571 --> 01:23:14.118
I mean, I've been practicing at night

01:23:14.281 --> 01:23:16.909
on tiny, defenseless animals
and homeless people.

01:23:17.075 --> 01:23:19.475
Oh, good. That's actually what
homeless people are there for.

01:23:19.620 --> 01:23:20.963
- Yes, I know.
- Yeah.

01:23:21.121 --> 01:23:23.840
- They're all just bodies in waiting.
- Especially for a sociopath.

01:23:23.999 --> 01:23:26.199
Especially for... Yeah, that...
But that's been my goal,

01:23:26.335 --> 01:23:28.337
as you know: just to feel nothing.

01:23:28.504 --> 01:23:32.304
Yeah, it wouldn't be
such a bad idea sometimes.

01:23:33.258 --> 01:23:34.510
- So Dublin...
- It's okay.

01:23:34.676 --> 01:23:36.394
No, it's not. I'm really sorry.

01:23:36.553 --> 01:23:40.433
It was stupid, and I know Ben is
a good guy and he didn't deserve that.

01:23:41.225 --> 01:23:43.774
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

01:23:43.977 --> 01:23:45.229
So are you two okay?

01:23:47.272 --> 01:23:49.445
I'm not sure.

01:23:50.609 --> 01:23:52.828
About anything.

01:23:57.783 --> 01:24:00.707
So I got really creative
when I was cleaning out my fridge.

01:24:00.869 --> 01:24:02.792
- Did you?
- And, um...

01:24:02.955 --> 01:24:04.753
I, uh...

01:24:06.250 --> 01:24:08.252
I made you that.

01:24:15.884 --> 01:24:18.933
It's, um... It's Fool's Gold.

01:24:19.096 --> 01:24:24.193
I even coated the loaf in butter
as you are supposed to.

01:24:24.351 --> 01:24:26.695
That's the real thing.

01:24:28.230 --> 01:24:29.607
I can't believe you did this.

01:24:32.401 --> 01:24:35.075
This is your going-away present.

01:24:35.612 --> 01:24:37.614
(PAPER TEARING)

01:25:02.055 --> 01:25:04.274
I don't know what to say.

01:25:07.769 --> 01:25:11.649
So I've thought a lot
about something you said.

01:25:11.815 --> 01:25:15.365
About how,
when you realize how quickly

01:25:15.527 --> 01:25:17.450
everything can fall apart,

01:25:17.613 --> 01:25:21.743
it makes you never want to give up
anything good ever again.

01:25:22.784 --> 01:25:25.628
Whatever this is between us,

01:25:27.039 --> 01:25:29.292
it is good.

01:25:29.458 --> 01:25:30.505
It is so good.

01:25:30.667 --> 01:25:35.047
It is actually the best thing
that has ever happened to me,

01:25:35.213 --> 01:25:38.012
and I don't want it to be over.

01:25:42.471 --> 01:25:45.224
I don't want it to be over, either.

01:25:52.564 --> 01:25:55.283
I kind of wish, you know, like,

01:25:56.610 --> 01:26:00.285
we could invent
a time machine or something.

01:26:01.573 --> 01:26:03.667
- If we ever invent time travel...
- Yeah?

01:26:03.825 --> 01:26:06.749
...I would go back
to the night we met.

01:26:07.371 --> 01:26:09.840
- You would?
- Yes.

01:26:15.045 --> 01:26:17.764
What would you do differently?

01:26:18.590 --> 01:26:20.263
Nothing.

01:26:23.387 --> 01:26:25.185
Me too.

01:27:00.632 --> 01:27:02.885
(PLANE ENGINE ROARING)

01:27:21.486 --> 01:27:23.784
Hey, Walter.

01:27:24.781 --> 01:27:26.374
- Wallace.
- Oh, sorry.

01:27:26.533 --> 01:27:28.410
It's just so weird seeing you here.

01:27:28.577 --> 01:27:29.624
Yeah, really weird.

01:27:29.786 --> 01:27:31.546
- Where have you just come in from?
- Taiwan.

01:27:31.705 --> 01:27:33.207
You've been in Taiwan
this whole time?

01:27:33.373 --> 01:27:38.129
Yeah, I was, and then I was doing
some traveling with my, um, fiancé.

01:27:38.587 --> 01:27:39.679
You got engaged?

01:27:39.838 --> 01:27:40.885
Uh, yeah.

01:27:41.047 --> 01:27:42.845
- Wow. Yeah, no, me too.
- Oh!

01:27:43.008 --> 01:27:45.511
I don't know why I did that.
I have nothing on this hand.

01:27:45.677 --> 01:27:47.600
So who is the incredibly lucky guy?

01:27:47.763 --> 01:27:50.812
He's just this dude who stalked me
all the way to Taiwan.

01:27:50.974 --> 01:27:53.443
That's a coincidence. I followed
my fiancée to Taiwan as well,

01:27:53.602 --> 01:27:56.151
but I made out with her sister first.
I'm a bad-arse.

01:27:56.313 --> 01:27:57.530
Come here.

01:27:57.689 --> 01:27:59.066
(HORN HONKS)

01:28:00.525 --> 01:28:02.948
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
CHANTRY: - Aah!

01:28:03.403 --> 01:28:06.703
DALIA: I'm so happy you're home!

01:28:10.494 --> 01:28:11.586
(CRYING)

01:28:11.745 --> 01:28:12.917
She loved it.

01:28:28.470 --> 01:28:29.813
WALLACE: Mm.

01:28:30.388 --> 01:28:31.435
Three!

01:28:31.598 --> 01:28:33.566
(ALL SCREAMING)

01:28:33.725 --> 01:28:35.898
Oh, please,
he's not even a real doctor.

01:28:36.061 --> 01:28:37.741
He's a real doctor.
He finished his degree.

01:28:37.896 --> 01:28:40.936
- Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian.
ALLAN: - It's legitimate medical training.

01:28:41.024 --> 01:28:42.947
- Wine, please.
NICOLE: - Here, ask him.

01:28:43.985 --> 01:28:45.908
After you have a baby,
if you eat the placenta,

01:28:46.071 --> 01:28:47.414
does it count as cannibalism?

01:28:47.572 --> 01:28:49.372
You know that's not
a medical question, right?

01:28:49.449 --> 01:28:52.373
If a baby's hand is bigger
than its face, will it have cancer?

01:28:52.536 --> 01:28:54.789
No, it just means your baby
has massive hands.

01:28:54.955 --> 01:28:56.127
(BABY FARTING)

01:28:56.289 --> 01:28:59.543
- Oh. What's going on here? Hoo-hoo.
- Oh, Jesus.

01:28:59.960 --> 01:29:04.887
Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write
us a prescription or not? Oh, God.

01:29:05.048 --> 01:29:06.345
There goes my husband.

01:29:06.508 --> 01:29:08.306
I can't believe you have a husband.

01:29:08.468 --> 01:29:11.017
- It's crazy.
- You're weirding me out.

01:29:11.972 --> 01:29:13.690
WALLACE: Hey. Oh.
CHANTRY: So...

01:29:13.849 --> 01:29:15.289
WALLACE: Careful. Give me your hand.

01:29:15.392 --> 01:29:20.740
- You're up here alone, like a total loser.
- Yeah, but who's the bigger loser?

01:29:20.897 --> 01:29:23.275
Me for escaping up here,
or you for agreeing to marry me?

01:29:23.441 --> 01:29:25.409
- No, that's me.
- Heh-heh.

01:29:27.070 --> 01:29:30.745
If I fell, do you think I'd die,
or just become massively paralyzed?

01:29:30.907 --> 01:29:32.033
Probably just paralyzed.

01:29:32.200 --> 01:29:35.579
CHANTRY: You'd be so screwed.
You'd have to stay married to me.

01:29:35.745 --> 01:29:37.292
If you didn't, people would be like,

01:29:37.455 --> 01:29:41.585
"He divorced his wife after she became
paralyzed from the waist down."

01:29:41.751 --> 01:29:43.173
- From the waist down?
- Yeah.

01:29:43.336 --> 01:29:45.576
So everything would still work
down there, though, right?

01:29:45.714 --> 01:29:48.137
Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able
to feel anything, but...

01:29:48.300 --> 01:29:50.394
I really don't even need you
to feel anything now.

01:29:50.552 --> 01:29:51.912
I don't want the sex
to be too good

01:29:52.012 --> 01:29:53.059
- right away.
- Mm-hm.

01:29:53.221 --> 01:29:55.599
I'm intentionally being much worse
in bed than I actually am

01:29:55.765 --> 01:29:57.688
so that it can just
keep getting better forever.

01:29:57.851 --> 01:30:00.570
But, like, very slowly,
over many, many decades

01:30:00.729 --> 01:30:02.481
so that we hit our sexual peak
in our 903.

01:30:02.647 --> 01:30:04.524
Yeah. That's the plan, actually,

01:30:04.691 --> 01:30:10.789
is if the last time we have sex is also
the best and that it actually kills you.

01:30:10.947 --> 01:30:12.745
That wouldn't be
such a bad way to go.

01:30:14.492 --> 01:30:17.962
- We should head back soon, right?
- Yes.

01:30:19.205 --> 01:30:22.209
Or we could stay here
for another minute.

01:30:23.793 --> 01:30:26.216
Or maybe like forever.

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