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WEBVTT - https://subtitletools.com 00:00:23.680 --> 00:00:25.648 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:00:27.351 --> 00:00:28.943 Young man: Oh, America. 00:00:29.153 --> 00:00:31.986 I wish I could tell you that this was still America, 00:00:32.523 --> 00:00:35.981 but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. 00:00:37.428 --> 00:00:39.953 And there are no people here. 00:00:46.837 --> 00:00:47.826 Man: No! No! 00:00:48.038 --> 00:00:50.006 [Growling] 00:00:51.875 --> 00:00:54.503 Man: Go back-- fuck! Aah! 00:00:57.181 --> 00:00:58.170 No, my friends. 00:00:58.382 --> 00:01:01.545 This is now the United States of zombieland. 00:01:01.752 --> 00:01:02.946 [Belches] 00:01:05.756 --> 00:01:10.853 It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm. 00:01:11.061 --> 00:01:14.394 And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? 00:01:14.765 --> 00:01:17.393 It's because of my list of rules. 00:01:17.601 --> 00:01:20.764 Rule number one for surviving zombieland: Cardie. 00:01:22.773 --> 00:01:23.762 Fuck! 00:01:23.974 --> 00:01:26.499 When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, 00:01:26.710 --> 00:01:29.042 the first ones to go were the fatties. 00:01:29.246 --> 00:01:31.214 [Both grunting] 00:01:31.415 --> 00:01:33.212 [Zombie growling] 00:01:33.417 --> 00:01:34.941 Poor fat bastard. 00:01:35.185 --> 00:01:36.914 [Horns honking] 00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:39.680 But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, 00:01:39.890 --> 00:01:42.381 it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. 00:01:43.594 --> 00:01:46.358 You had to get a gun and learn how to use it. 00:01:46.563 --> 00:01:49.031 Which leads me to my second rule: The double tap. 00:01:49.233 --> 00:01:51.394 [Growls] 00:01:51.602 --> 00:01:55.232 In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really "dead" dead, 00:01:55.440 --> 00:01:57.408 don't get all stingy with your bullets. 00:01:57.609 --> 00:01:59.372 I mean, one more clean shot to the head, 00:01:59.577 --> 00:02:02.137 [zombie and woman scream] 00:02:02.347 --> 00:02:06.215 And this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy meal. 00:02:06.417 --> 00:02:09.215 Woulda, coulda, shoulda. 00:02:09.420 --> 00:02:11.980 Wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. 00:02:12.190 --> 00:02:15.489 When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. 00:02:15.693 --> 00:02:18.924 Can't a guy take a dumper in peace? 00:02:21.866 --> 00:02:24.494 [Growling] 00:02:25.103 --> 00:02:26.730 Don't let them catch you with your pants down. 00:02:26.938 --> 00:02:28.997 Rule number three: Beware of bathrooms. 00:02:30.308 --> 00:02:31.673 [Whimpering] 00:02:31.876 --> 00:02:34.242 As zombies began to outnumber humans, 00:02:34.445 --> 00:02:37.346 well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. 00:02:37.549 --> 00:02:41.110 If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters, 00:02:41.319 --> 00:02:42.911 [tires squealing] 00:02:43.121 --> 00:02:45.282 Well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. 00:02:45.490 --> 00:02:46.855 [Girls screaming] 00:02:50.628 --> 00:02:52.994 You had to focus on your own survival, 00:02:53.197 --> 00:02:55.927 which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic. 00:02:56.134 --> 00:02:57.931 [Horn honks] 00:02:58.136 --> 00:03:02.630 [Screams] 00:03:04.108 --> 00:03:08.442 Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 00:03:09.814 --> 00:03:11.782 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:58.153 That guy down there is me. I'm in garland, Texas. 00:04:58.357 --> 00:05:01.986 And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just garland. 00:05:02.194 --> 00:05:05.493 It's been two months since patient zero took a bite of a contaminated burger 00:05:05.698 --> 00:05:06.960 at a gas n' gulp. 00:05:07.166 --> 00:05:11.398 Just two months, and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. 00:05:11.603 --> 00:05:13.571 I may seem like an unlikely survivor, 00:05:13.772 --> 00:05:17.003 with all my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome, 00:05:17.209 --> 00:05:21.441 but I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family. 00:05:21.647 --> 00:05:25.413 I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules. 00:05:25.718 --> 00:05:26.912 My rules. 00:05:34.927 --> 00:05:36.895 [Growling] 00:05:41.166 --> 00:05:43.135 [Growling] 00:05:56.316 --> 00:05:57.977 Shit. 00:06:10.997 --> 00:06:12.658 Of course. 00:06:14.534 --> 00:06:16.161 [Panting] 00:06:20.974 --> 00:06:22.407 [Sighs] 00:06:24.210 --> 00:06:26.178 [Growling] 00:06:33.887 --> 00:06:35.445 [Zombie screams] 00:06:35.922 --> 00:06:36.911 [Panting] 00:06:37.123 --> 00:06:38.590 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:06:40.293 --> 00:06:42.227 Motherfucker. 00:06:42.562 --> 00:06:44.359 [Growling] 00:06:53.139 --> 00:06:54.936 [Gasping] 00:07:01.948 --> 00:07:03.916 [Panting] 00:07:05.752 --> 00:07:06.741 Oh. 00:07:06.953 --> 00:07:10.855 On the bright side, I had found a place to go number two. 00:07:15.261 --> 00:07:17.729 Another rule to surviving zombieland: Travel light. 00:07:19.132 --> 00:07:21.032 And I don't mean just luggage. 00:07:21.234 --> 00:07:23.065 I've always been kind of a loner. 00:07:23.269 --> 00:07:25.237 I avoided people like they were zombies 00:07:25.438 --> 00:07:27.099 even before they were zombies. 00:07:27.307 --> 00:07:30.674 Now that they are all zombies, I kind of miss people. 00:07:31.611 --> 00:07:34.273 So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas 00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:38.383 to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive. 00:07:38.586 --> 00:07:40.554 Even though we were never really close, 00:07:40.754 --> 00:07:43.484 it would be nice to see a familiar face, or any face, 00:07:43.724 --> 00:07:47.558 that doesn't have blood dripping from its lips and flesh between its teeth. 00:07:48.896 --> 00:07:50.864 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:09:16.350 --> 00:09:17.408 Thank you. 00:09:20.421 --> 00:09:21.854 Ah. 00:09:24.725 --> 00:09:26.124 What are you looking for? Nothing. 00:09:26.327 --> 00:09:28.158 I just, uh-- I just have this list. 00:09:28.362 --> 00:09:30.888 No one back there but my duffel bag. 00:09:33.401 --> 00:09:35.562 Uh-- what's your name? 00:09:35.770 --> 00:09:37.863 Stop. No names. 00:09:38.073 --> 00:09:40.098 Keeps us from getting too familiar. 00:09:41.776 --> 00:09:45.234 You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. Um-- oh. 00:09:45.447 --> 00:09:48.541 That's okay, you don't have to-- so where you headed? 00:09:49.250 --> 00:09:51.844 Uh-- Columbus. You? 00:09:53.588 --> 00:09:55.556 Tallahassee. 00:09:57.192 --> 00:09:58.352 Mm. 00:09:58.560 --> 00:09:59.754 [Speaks in spanish] 00:09:59.961 --> 00:10:03.021 Uh-- no, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once. 00:10:04.099 --> 00:10:09.059 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are both, uh, east. 00:10:09.270 --> 00:10:10.464 So? 00:10:11.439 --> 00:10:13.930 So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? 00:10:14.142 --> 00:10:18.044 Least for a while? Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh... 00:10:18.947 --> 00:10:20.539 I'm not easy to get along with, 00:10:20.749 --> 00:10:23.047 and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, 00:10:24.886 --> 00:10:27.787 so I give this relationship to about texarkana. 00:10:27.989 --> 00:10:31.083 Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as texarkana. 00:10:31.292 --> 00:10:32.884 You're a peppy little spit-fuck, aren't you? 00:10:33.094 --> 00:10:34.152 [Chuckles] 00:10:34.362 --> 00:10:35.351 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:10:35.563 --> 00:10:36.894 Columbus: You might wanna buckle up for safety. 00:10:37.098 --> 00:10:41.398 Tallahassee: I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves. 00:10:42.437 --> 00:10:44.462 Even though teaming up wasn't my style, 00:10:44.672 --> 00:10:46.799 I figured I'd be safer with Tallahassee. 00:10:47.008 --> 00:10:49.476 You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and... 00:10:49.677 --> 00:10:51.474 Business is good. 00:10:52.714 --> 00:10:56.878 It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness. 00:10:57.419 --> 00:10:58.477 What are we doing here? 00:10:58.686 --> 00:11:00.950 Well, take a look. It's a goddamn hostess truck. 00:11:01.156 --> 00:11:04.421 Yeah, I see that, a hostess truck. So what? 00:11:04.626 --> 00:11:05.991 I could use a twinkie. 00:11:12.567 --> 00:11:17.095 You coming? Uh-- yes. Yeah. One second. 00:11:17.305 --> 00:11:20.240 [Grunting] 00:11:20.975 --> 00:11:23.376 Are you fucking with me? Uh-- no. 00:11:24.814 --> 00:11:26.543 You should actually limber up as well. 00:11:26.749 --> 00:11:28.717 Especially if we are going down that hill. 00:11:28.951 --> 00:11:30.179 It is very important. 00:11:30.719 --> 00:11:31.947 I don't believe in it. 00:11:32.154 --> 00:11:35.612 You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle? 00:11:36.792 --> 00:11:37.781 Hmm. 00:11:39.428 --> 00:11:40.690 [Exhales] 00:11:41.997 --> 00:11:43.965 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:12:00.683 --> 00:12:01.980 Sno balls? Yeah. 00:12:02.852 --> 00:12:05.013 Sno balls? 00:12:05.387 --> 00:12:08.322 Where's the fucking twinkies? 00:12:08.791 --> 00:12:10.383 I like sno balls. 00:12:10.593 --> 00:12:13.562 I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency. 00:12:14.230 --> 00:12:15.822 Fresh. 00:12:18.234 --> 00:12:21.397 Oh, this twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. 00:12:23.739 --> 00:12:27.266 Hey, this may be a bad time, 00:12:27.510 --> 00:12:29.774 but I gotta take the browns to the super bowl. 00:12:30.012 --> 00:12:31.445 Really? Really. 00:12:33.082 --> 00:12:37.644 [Yelling and grunting] 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:41.089 I know, again, so soon? What can I say? 00:12:41.290 --> 00:12:43.622 I have a case of, uh, chronic anxiety. 00:12:47.530 --> 00:12:52.627 Truth is, I was always kind of phobic. I found lots of things disturbing. 00:12:52.835 --> 00:12:56.293 Like undertow or department store santas. 00:12:56.539 --> 00:12:58.006 Being alone with a baby. 00:13:00.109 --> 00:13:03.875 But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies, 00:13:05.481 --> 00:13:07.108 fucking clowns. 00:13:10.119 --> 00:13:12.587 When you're afraid of everything that's out there, 00:13:12.788 --> 00:13:15.052 you quit going out there, 00:13:15.257 --> 00:13:17.726 which is what happened to me before zombieland. 00:13:18.128 --> 00:13:21.791 Friday night, third straight week indoors. 00:13:21.998 --> 00:13:23.795 "World of warcraft", 00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:26.093 leaning tower of pizza boxes, 00:13:26.303 --> 00:13:28.328 code red Mountain dew. 00:13:28.572 --> 00:13:30.631 Pride, nowhere. 00:13:30.840 --> 00:13:32.501 Dignity, long gone. 00:13:32.709 --> 00:13:35.269 Virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on. 00:13:35.478 --> 00:13:37.241 Smooth. 00:13:37.447 --> 00:13:40.109 My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl, 00:13:40.317 --> 00:13:43.684 and fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks. 00:13:43.887 --> 00:13:46.788 Then again, since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut-ins like me, 00:13:46.990 --> 00:13:49.458 maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks. 00:13:49.659 --> 00:13:54.028 And then I'd finally be a member of a cool, functional family. 00:13:54.231 --> 00:13:56.096 Woman: 408. 00:13:56.299 --> 00:13:59.268 Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency. 00:13:59.803 --> 00:14:02.431 I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic, 00:14:02.639 --> 00:14:04.539 but my neighbor 406 is insanely hot. 00:14:04.741 --> 00:14:06.140 Okay, okay. 00:14:06.376 --> 00:14:08.105 [Panting] 00:14:10.614 --> 00:14:13.981 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 00:14:14.184 --> 00:14:15.811 Nice to meet you. 00:14:16.419 --> 00:14:18.387 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:14:20.523 --> 00:14:22.218 Here. 00:14:22.993 --> 00:14:24.620 There you go. 00:14:29.499 --> 00:14:31.729 Mountain dew? Yeah. Code red. 00:14:31.935 --> 00:14:35.632 And here's some golden grahams. The, uh, ziploc bag keeps them crisp. 00:14:36.139 --> 00:14:38.664 Okay. Keep that there. 00:14:39.242 --> 00:14:41.233 So, um, tell me what happened. 00:14:41.778 --> 00:14:47.045 Uh... he was homeless and-- and-- and sick. 00:14:47.250 --> 00:14:50.083 And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone, 00:14:50.287 --> 00:14:54.314 and then he just came sprinting towards me. 00:14:54.524 --> 00:14:57.618 I mean, not running, sprinting. 00:14:58.428 --> 00:15:01.829 And-- and I thought, you know, like, maybe he was running from someone, 00:15:02.032 --> 00:15:07.265 or after someone, but last time I saw he was still out there going crazy. 00:15:07.470 --> 00:15:08.562 Drugs, maybe? 00:15:09.139 --> 00:15:10.835 [Sobs] 00:15:11.042 --> 00:15:13.067 I didn't even tell you the worst part. 00:15:14.412 --> 00:15:16.039 Yeah? 00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:18.004 He tried to bite me. 00:15:20.051 --> 00:15:25.683 You're right, that's the worst part. I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. 00:15:25.890 --> 00:15:29.849 No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you. 00:15:30.061 --> 00:15:32.461 That's the right kind of scared. That's reasonable scared. 00:15:32.697 --> 00:15:36.428 I get scared for things that, like, don't make sense at all, like clowns with red noses, 00:15:36.634 --> 00:15:38.693 or, like, the rags they use to wipe down tables 00:15:38.903 --> 00:15:41.133 when you finish eating at a chain restaurant. 00:15:41.339 --> 00:15:42.966 Really? 00:15:43.207 --> 00:15:46.904 Look, the point is I am here for you, okay? 00:15:47.111 --> 00:15:50.569 And as long as you are by my side, I am not leaving this apartment. 00:15:50.781 --> 00:15:53.375 Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? 00:15:53.584 --> 00:15:55.245 No, of course. Of course. 00:15:55.453 --> 00:15:57.978 Thank you. Okay. 00:15:59.090 --> 00:16:01.320 Set aside the feverish, homeless cannibal, 00:16:01.525 --> 00:16:03.425 I'm living the dream. 00:16:03.627 --> 00:16:05.652 I had always, my whole life, 00:16:05.863 --> 00:16:09.458 wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. 00:16:10.101 --> 00:16:12.433 Good night. Good night. 00:16:26.851 --> 00:16:27.840 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:16:28.052 --> 00:16:29.314 Oh, my God. 00:16:29.887 --> 00:16:31.081 Are you okay? 00:16:31.288 --> 00:16:32.414 [Growling] 00:16:32.623 --> 00:16:34.591 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 00:16:36.761 --> 00:16:38.456 Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop. 00:16:39.563 --> 00:16:41.087 What are you doing? 00:16:42.767 --> 00:16:46.032 [Gasping and panting] 00:16:47.638 --> 00:16:51.130 Look, stay back, 406, okay? I don't wanna hurt you, but, 00:16:51.342 --> 00:16:52.639 shit. 00:16:52.877 --> 00:16:54.037 [Growling] 00:16:54.245 --> 00:16:55.542 [Whimpering] 00:17:04.423 --> 00:17:07.051 Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry. 00:17:33.585 --> 00:17:35.746 [Coughing] 00:17:43.829 --> 00:17:45.421 [Panting] 00:17:45.630 --> 00:17:47.564 You see, you just can't trust anyone. 00:17:48.033 --> 00:17:51.434 The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me. 00:17:55.106 --> 00:17:57.074 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:18:00.178 --> 00:18:01.668 [Gasps] 00:18:05.550 --> 00:18:09.111 Please. Listen to me. 00:18:09.354 --> 00:18:11.254 406. 00:18:11.623 --> 00:18:13.454 If you're in there, 00:18:14.993 --> 00:18:17.928 you're just sick. Okay? 00:18:18.129 --> 00:18:20.359 [Roars] 00:18:20.565 --> 00:18:22.533 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:18:33.745 --> 00:18:37.272 That was my first brush with the plague of the 21st century. 00:18:37.482 --> 00:18:39.040 Remember mad cow disease? 00:18:39.251 --> 00:18:42.550 Well, mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. 00:18:42.754 --> 00:18:46.781 It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever, 00:18:46.992 --> 00:18:48.960 that made you hateful, violent, 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:51.958 and gave you a really, really bad case of the munchies. 00:18:52.163 --> 00:18:54.154 All right, you steer, I'll push. 00:18:54.432 --> 00:18:57.095 Uh-- okay. 00:18:58.471 --> 00:18:59.904 Okay. 00:19:02.208 --> 00:19:04.938 I've heard there's a place that's untouched by this crap. 00:19:05.144 --> 00:19:06.168 Back east, yeah? 00:19:06.379 --> 00:19:07.607 Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing? 00:19:08.180 --> 00:19:12.310 Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. 00:19:12.518 --> 00:19:15.316 It's all just nonsense. 00:19:15.521 --> 00:19:17.989 You know, you're like a penguin on the north pole 00:19:18.190 --> 00:19:21.318 who hears the South pole is really nice this time of year. 00:19:21.527 --> 00:19:24.189 There are no penguins on the north pole. 00:19:25.464 --> 00:19:27.932 You wanna feel how hard I can punch? 00:19:30.069 --> 00:19:31.366 Tallahassee: So, what do you think? 00:19:31.571 --> 00:19:34.039 Wait, the last time I laid some pipe? 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.767 Last time you went 20 toes, put Percy in the playpen? 00:19:37.977 --> 00:19:38.966 Who's Percy? 00:19:39.178 --> 00:19:41.510 Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy. 00:19:41.714 --> 00:19:44.842 Went heels to Jesus. Oh. Oh, made love. 00:19:45.051 --> 00:19:46.780 Well, just sex. 00:19:47.019 --> 00:19:48.418 Uh... 00:19:50.156 --> 00:19:51.623 Uh-- three weeks ago. Yeah. 00:19:51.824 --> 00:19:53.655 In the back of an abandoned fedex truck. 00:19:54.026 --> 00:19:58.156 Shut up. No, no, I was headed east. 00:19:58.364 --> 00:20:00.457 She, west. 00:20:00.666 --> 00:20:02.793 And we took shelter in the back of the truck. 00:20:03.002 --> 00:20:05.971 It was full of undelivered packages. What was her name? 00:20:06.672 --> 00:20:08.071 Beverly. 00:20:08.274 --> 00:20:09.400 Beverly hills. 00:20:09.609 --> 00:20:10.735 You dog. 00:20:11.644 --> 00:20:12.906 [Chuckles] 00:20:13.346 --> 00:20:15.314 So, uh, what about you? 00:20:15.681 --> 00:20:18.514 Me? I... I... 00:20:19.251 --> 00:20:21.242 Aye, aye, aye. 00:20:24.890 --> 00:20:27.518 Oh, my God. It makes you sick. 00:20:27.727 --> 00:20:30.491 You know, it makes you sad, it makes you... 00:20:30.696 --> 00:20:34.154 It makes you think if you can go back to the way things were right now, 00:20:34.367 --> 00:20:35.595 you know, you'd be... 00:20:35.801 --> 00:20:38.964 You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies. 00:20:40.373 --> 00:20:41.567 And instead this. 00:20:43.109 --> 00:20:44.542 [Slurping] 00:20:44.910 --> 00:20:47.435 I mean, it makes you... Hungry. 00:20:47.647 --> 00:20:49.205 I'm worried about you. 00:20:49.415 --> 00:20:52.385 Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, 00:20:52.586 --> 00:20:57.080 I promise you it ain't prettier than our friend here enjoying her manwich. 00:21:02.095 --> 00:21:04.325 [Chuckles] 00:21:04.531 --> 00:21:07.898 Tallahassee had a sick sense of humor when it came to zombies. 00:21:08.101 --> 00:21:11.502 Zombies aren't the most lovable creatures, but he really hated them. 00:21:11.738 --> 00:21:15.902 The only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies, was finding a twinkie. 00:21:16.109 --> 00:21:17.201 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:21:17.411 --> 00:21:19.709 Something about a twinkie reminded him of a time not so long ago, 00:21:19.913 --> 00:21:23.474 when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic. 00:21:23.684 --> 00:21:26.915 It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat, 00:21:27.120 --> 00:21:28.553 the world would become innocent again, 00:21:28.755 --> 00:21:31.246 and everything would return to normal. 00:21:31.458 --> 00:21:33.153 What, are you prospecting? 00:21:33.927 --> 00:21:35.087 Jesus Christ. 00:21:35.829 --> 00:21:37.160 You are a dangerous man. 00:21:38.865 --> 00:21:41.732 You're gonna risk our lives for a twinkie? 00:21:41.935 --> 00:21:44.733 There is a box of twinkies in that grocery store. 00:21:44.938 --> 00:21:46.735 Not just any box of twinkies. 00:21:46.940 --> 00:21:51.934 The last box of twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. 00:21:52.145 --> 00:21:54.943 Believe it or not, twinkies have an expiration date. 00:21:56.116 --> 00:22:02.077 Someday very soon, life's little twinkie gauge is gonna go empty. 00:22:02.989 --> 00:22:05.924 Time to nut up or shut up. 00:22:08.128 --> 00:22:10.119 When Tallahassee goes hulk on a zombie, 00:22:10.330 --> 00:22:13.163 he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked-with. 00:22:13.366 --> 00:22:15.095 No fear, nothing to lose. 00:22:15.736 --> 00:22:19.297 What can I say? It's like-- it's like art. 00:22:19.506 --> 00:22:21.474 [Strumming] 00:22:29.149 --> 00:22:30.582 [Growling] 00:22:30.784 --> 00:22:32.752 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:22:37.424 --> 00:22:38.982 You got a pretty mouth. 00:22:45.833 --> 00:22:47.892 [Growling] 00:22:49.771 --> 00:22:51.033 Columbus: Don't swing, don't swing. 00:22:51.539 --> 00:22:53.097 Swing. 00:22:53.307 --> 00:22:55.275 [Grunting] 00:22:58.146 --> 00:23:00.114 Thank you. You owe me. 00:23:02.049 --> 00:23:03.641 Yeah. 00:23:03.851 --> 00:23:04.977 You're incredible. 00:23:05.186 --> 00:23:06.551 I know. Yeah. 00:23:06.754 --> 00:23:10.155 Twinkie, twinkie, twinkie, twinkie. Whoa, whoa. 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:12.849 Big hoss. 00:23:13.060 --> 00:23:15.028 [Zombie growling] 00:23:19.233 --> 00:23:22.327 Tallahassee: Come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top. 00:23:22.904 --> 00:23:24.872 [Zombie growling] 00:23:29.710 --> 00:23:32.270 Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. 00:23:32.713 --> 00:23:34.510 Columbus: And they're so fat. 00:23:34.715 --> 00:23:36.910 I think we should probably just keep going. 00:23:40.621 --> 00:23:43.215 All I could think of was, what are the odds? 00:23:43.424 --> 00:23:46.951 Another marriageable woman to bring home to the folks. 00:23:47.195 --> 00:23:48.355 Come quick. 00:23:49.263 --> 00:23:52.699 Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. 00:23:55.269 --> 00:23:56.736 Hey. 00:23:57.205 --> 00:23:59.036 I'll catch up. 00:24:01.709 --> 00:24:04.940 Rule number 22: When in doubt, know your way out. 00:24:14.522 --> 00:24:17.150 They're sisters. The, uh, little one's been bitten. 00:24:17.358 --> 00:24:19.588 Act normal. Try not to freak her out. 00:24:19.794 --> 00:24:21.489 Yeah. 00:24:23.030 --> 00:24:25.498 Columbus, Wichita, little rock. 00:24:27.802 --> 00:24:30.236 So you did all this for a twinkie? 00:24:30.771 --> 00:24:35.504 No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of like a Sancho panza character. 00:24:37.779 --> 00:24:39.804 Look, um, I don't think she has long. 00:24:40.015 --> 00:24:44.145 Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows. We're just looking for a way out. 00:24:45.487 --> 00:24:47.978 No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl. 00:24:48.257 --> 00:24:50.122 Don't talk about me like I'm not here. 00:24:50.893 --> 00:24:53.157 Right, sorry. Um-- 00:24:53.362 --> 00:24:57.958 look, I know that you're really sick. Whoa. 00:24:58.400 --> 00:25:00.493 But, uh, your sister wants me to-- 00:25:00.702 --> 00:25:03.227 it's not her decision, okay? It's mine. 00:25:03.972 --> 00:25:05.303 I made her promise. 00:25:07.175 --> 00:25:09.973 We already said goodbye, but, um, we didn't have a gun. 00:25:10.379 --> 00:25:13.746 We don't know that there's no cure. You're just gutless! 00:25:14.983 --> 00:25:16.109 Give him the gun. 00:25:22.357 --> 00:25:23.756 [Sighs] 00:25:28.597 --> 00:25:30.224 [Sobbing] 00:25:33.068 --> 00:25:35.798 Wait, wait, wait. 00:25:38.674 --> 00:25:39.698 I'll do it. 00:25:57.359 --> 00:26:00.294 I love you. I love you too. 00:26:10.572 --> 00:26:11.664 You need some help? 00:26:12.441 --> 00:26:14.568 Now that you mention it, 00:26:14.776 --> 00:26:17.370 we'll take your weapons, your car keys, your ammunition. 00:26:17.579 --> 00:26:20.810 And if you've got it, sugarless gum. Tallahassee: What the fuck? 00:26:22.217 --> 00:26:24.617 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, why are you guys doing this? 00:26:24.853 --> 00:26:26.946 Better you make the mistake of trusting us 00:26:27.155 --> 00:26:29.214 than us make the mistake of trusting you. 00:26:29.424 --> 00:26:31.393 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:26:32.061 --> 00:26:34.495 The first hot girl in 1000 Miles shows up, 00:26:34.697 --> 00:26:35.789 makes me feel like an idiot, 00:26:35.999 --> 00:26:40.060 steals my double-barrel and then says I'm the one that can't be trusted. 00:26:44.440 --> 00:26:45.702 Nice going, genius. 00:26:45.908 --> 00:26:47.876 You're the one that gave her the gun. 00:26:48.077 --> 00:26:50.637 Wichita: Those guys were dumb. 00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:52.541 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:26:52.749 --> 00:26:54.614 Avoid the vanity mirror. 00:26:54.817 --> 00:26:57.081 Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie. 00:26:59.188 --> 00:27:02.988 What I'd give for a shower-- do not say s-h-o-w-e-r, okay? 00:27:03.926 --> 00:27:06.053 Let's just get where we're going. 00:27:06.262 --> 00:27:09.060 So do you think it's true? Is what true? 00:27:09.265 --> 00:27:11.256 You know, about pacific playland? 00:27:11.467 --> 00:27:15.426 Totally zombie-free. Only place west of waco. 00:27:17.040 --> 00:27:18.905 Trust me. 00:27:19.876 --> 00:27:21.070 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:27:21.277 --> 00:27:23.677 Columbus: So he's on one of these serious tour de France bikes-- 00:27:23.913 --> 00:27:26.006 you know, with, like, the toeholds, right? 00:27:26.215 --> 00:27:31.175 --And he's pedaling, and the zombie's head is, like, caught in the gear. 00:27:31.421 --> 00:27:35.118 You know, with the hair in the chain just, like, going around. 00:27:35.324 --> 00:27:37.087 Ho. Very cool. 00:27:37.293 --> 00:27:42.196 But zombie kill of the week? No, sir. 00:27:42.432 --> 00:27:46.300 I saw this construction worker. I shit you not, 00:27:46.502 --> 00:27:49.869 he is on a steamroller, and a zombie goes down in front of him. 00:27:50.073 --> 00:27:52.633 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? 00:27:52.842 --> 00:27:54.571 Yeah. I always roll it up from the bottom. 00:27:54.777 --> 00:27:57.211 Well, the zombie's head is the cap. 00:27:57.447 --> 00:28:00.712 Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? 00:28:00.950 --> 00:28:05.046 No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. 00:28:05.254 --> 00:28:07.279 All right, let's just try to find a car. 00:28:07.490 --> 00:28:08.514 Oh, which reminds me, 00:28:08.724 --> 00:28:11.693 I never had headaches like this till your ass came on board. 00:28:11.894 --> 00:28:16.388 I mean, do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 00:28:16.599 --> 00:28:17.827 Hey, there's a nice minivan. 00:28:18.034 --> 00:28:20.559 Oh, you know something? That is nice. 00:28:20.770 --> 00:28:22.067 That's a beautiful van. 00:28:24.341 --> 00:28:27.367 Tallahassee believes you have to blow off steam in zombieland 00:28:27.578 --> 00:28:30.172 or else you lose what's left of your mind. 00:28:30.380 --> 00:28:33.645 If it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me, 00:28:33.851 --> 00:28:36.376 then I say, "hey, go ape shit." 00:28:36.587 --> 00:28:38.578 I want my caddy back! 00:28:39.490 --> 00:28:42.550 Stupid little bitches! 00:28:45.863 --> 00:28:47.296 [Crowbar clatters] 00:28:48.565 --> 00:28:52.092 Oh, I think I pulled something. 00:28:53.203 --> 00:28:56.502 Think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? 00:29:00.711 --> 00:29:02.838 You hesitated. 00:29:04.548 --> 00:29:09.008 Is it better to be smart or lucky? 00:29:09.453 --> 00:29:12.479 Look at what we got here. 00:29:18.929 --> 00:29:20.863 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 00:29:21.365 --> 00:29:23.333 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:29:29.907 --> 00:29:31.204 [Chuckles] 00:29:34.745 --> 00:29:35.939 Come on. 00:29:40.551 --> 00:29:43.019 That's nice. Smell the finger? 00:29:44.688 --> 00:29:45.916 [Engine starts] 00:29:47.224 --> 00:29:48.816 Yes. 00:29:53.096 --> 00:29:56.224 Thank God for rednecks. 00:29:56.433 --> 00:29:58.901 This is a really big truck 00:29:59.102 --> 00:30:03.835 and these are really big guns. 00:30:04.074 --> 00:30:05.666 Take your time. 00:30:10.013 --> 00:30:11.981 [Whooping] 00:30:29.167 --> 00:30:31.192 You know, they say, "he who seeks revenge 00:30:31.402 --> 00:30:33.199 should remember to dig two graves." 00:30:33.404 --> 00:30:37.568 Right. Two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 00:30:37.909 --> 00:30:39.171 You are scary happy. 00:30:39.777 --> 00:30:41.540 [Laughs] 00:30:42.380 --> 00:30:45.543 Columbus: Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? 00:30:45.750 --> 00:30:47.945 Tallahassee: Oh, you want to talk about home? 00:30:48.886 --> 00:30:53.448 For me, home was a puppy named buck. 00:30:54.158 --> 00:30:55.989 Cutest dog ever. 00:30:56.261 --> 00:30:58.229 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:31:03.401 --> 00:31:05.699 All those fucking zombies. 00:31:06.771 --> 00:31:07.795 I lost him. 00:31:08.640 --> 00:31:14.101 And there ain't no getting him back, so, uh, I'm looking for a new home. 00:31:15.046 --> 00:31:19.210 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping in the yellowstone river, 00:31:19.450 --> 00:31:22.908 or swinging from the chandeliers in the playboy mansion, 00:31:23.154 --> 00:31:27.523 but today, a vortec six-fucking-iiter v8, 00:31:27.725 --> 00:31:31.422 a box full of hollow points, and, lord willing, a gd twinkie. 00:31:33.398 --> 00:31:35.889 Gotta enjoy the little things. 00:31:36.100 --> 00:31:37.590 [Chuckles] 00:31:37.802 --> 00:31:40.771 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like yosemite Sam, 00:31:40.972 --> 00:31:42.371 but I'm writing it down. 00:31:42.573 --> 00:31:45.041 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 00:31:49.380 --> 00:31:51.348 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:31:53.284 --> 00:31:55.411 Knowing them, it's a trap. 00:31:55.620 --> 00:31:58.953 Wait here. Drive down if I signal. 00:31:59.190 --> 00:32:01.249 You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 00:32:01.459 --> 00:32:04.155 Not unless they shoot at me. 00:32:04.495 --> 00:32:07.430 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. 00:32:47.873 --> 00:32:50.068 [Whistles] 00:32:57.783 --> 00:33:00.183 Looks like they hoofed it. 00:33:00.386 --> 00:33:02.684 Probably headed west. 00:33:02.888 --> 00:33:04.856 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 00:33:05.057 --> 00:33:06.786 Sure. 00:33:10.562 --> 00:33:12.530 They're in the back, aren't they? Just me. 00:33:12.731 --> 00:33:14.028 Oh. 00:33:14.533 --> 00:33:17.229 I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. 00:33:17.703 --> 00:33:20.729 You got taken hostage by a 1 2-year-old? 00:33:20.973 --> 00:33:24.465 Girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age. 00:33:24.676 --> 00:33:27.770 Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please. 00:33:27.980 --> 00:33:30.175 Like you would ever use that thing. 00:33:30.382 --> 00:33:33.317 Don't kill me with my own gun! 00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:35.180 All those violent video games. 00:33:35.387 --> 00:33:37.150 Yeah. Thank you. 00:33:37.356 --> 00:33:39.051 Now honk your horn. What? 00:33:39.291 --> 00:33:40.588 Honk it. 00:33:40.793 --> 00:33:42.158 [Honks horn] 00:33:44.096 --> 00:33:45.461 Oh. 00:33:45.664 --> 00:33:48.189 It's your sister, with my gun. Hello. 00:33:52.571 --> 00:33:53.902 Bummer. 00:33:55.407 --> 00:33:57.341 Now step away from the vehicle. 00:33:59.845 --> 00:34:02.211 You get to ride shotgun. 00:34:09.422 --> 00:34:11.253 I kind of like this girl. 00:34:11.458 --> 00:34:14.655 She's not your typical hot, stuck-up bitch. 00:34:15.228 --> 00:34:19.790 Even before zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us. 00:34:20.200 --> 00:34:22.168 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:34:33.213 --> 00:34:35.545 Uh-- what are you looking for? 00:34:35.748 --> 00:34:37.682 [Voice breaking] My engagement ring. 00:34:38.651 --> 00:34:42.451 I took it off to pump my gas, and I thought that I put it in my purse, 00:34:42.655 --> 00:34:45.783 but it must've fallen out, and I'm late for my flight and-- 00:34:45.992 --> 00:34:50.053 well, listen, I'll find your ring, and I'll fedex it to you. 00:34:50.563 --> 00:34:52.030 I'll give you a reward. 00:34:52.232 --> 00:34:53.426 Ha. Don't be silly. 00:34:53.633 --> 00:34:57.569 Three thousand dollars. It's worth more than my car. 00:34:58.571 --> 00:35:00.095 Just-- just give me your number. 00:35:01.474 --> 00:35:03.237 Yeah. I'll find it. 00:35:03.776 --> 00:35:05.767 Yeah, I'll start looking for it right now. 00:35:05.979 --> 00:35:08.209 Because I got nothing else to do. 00:35:08.414 --> 00:35:10.314 I was engaged once, 00:35:10.517 --> 00:35:12.712 but I'm single now. 00:35:12.919 --> 00:35:14.113 [Engine starts] 00:35:15.154 --> 00:35:16.553 Bye-bye. 00:35:19.459 --> 00:35:21.723 Hope you make your flight. 00:35:25.732 --> 00:35:27.165 [Phone rings] 00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:29.334 No, but I know it's around here somewhere. 00:35:29.536 --> 00:35:31.902 She's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. 00:35:35.608 --> 00:35:37.098 Let me call you back. 00:35:37.310 --> 00:35:39.801 Hey, you found my ring. 00:35:40.647 --> 00:35:43.115 Thanks. I've been looking all over for it. 00:35:43.316 --> 00:35:45.511 Your ring? Well, it's my friend's, you know. 00:35:45.718 --> 00:35:48.380 I'm gonna send it to her. Do I get a reward? 00:35:48.988 --> 00:35:53.482 Forty, 60, 80, 400. 00:35:53.693 --> 00:35:56.628 That's it. That's the whole register. 00:35:59.066 --> 00:36:00.499 You made someone very happy. 00:36:02.136 --> 00:36:03.160 You too. 00:36:10.511 --> 00:36:12.479 Nice. 00:36:12.846 --> 00:36:14.541 How many left? 00:36:15.649 --> 00:36:17.514 Let me see. 00:36:18.686 --> 00:36:21.780 Hmm. Enough for us to get to California. 00:36:22.856 --> 00:36:23.982 Someday, I want a ring this big. 00:36:24.191 --> 00:36:26.989 Hmm. For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. 00:36:27.194 --> 00:36:28.286 [Chuckles] 00:36:29.396 --> 00:36:32.365 It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry 00:36:32.566 --> 00:36:33.999 and a cutthroat attitude. 00:36:34.201 --> 00:36:37.295 I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road. 00:36:39.907 --> 00:36:41.807 Thank you, Wichita. Thanks, little rock. 00:36:43.611 --> 00:36:44.805 [Gasps] 00:36:47.247 --> 00:36:50.512 For fuck's sake, enough already! We're being chased by ravenous freaks! 00:36:50.718 --> 00:36:52.686 We don't have enough problems? 00:36:52.886 --> 00:36:55.855 "Oh, they stole my hummer. We have trust issues." Get over it, okay? 00:36:56.056 --> 00:36:57.421 We can't just fucking drive down the road, 00:36:57.625 --> 00:37:01.220 playing I spy or some shit for hours like four normal-ass Americans? 00:37:01.729 --> 00:37:03.026 Fuck me! 00:37:03.530 --> 00:37:05.191 Oh. I know. 00:37:05.599 --> 00:37:07.066 [Sighs] 00:37:07.267 --> 00:37:08.757 Let me be the mature one. 00:37:10.371 --> 00:37:11.702 Good. 00:37:23.083 --> 00:37:25.779 So where are you guys headed? 00:37:26.020 --> 00:37:28.181 Pacific playland. 00:37:28.389 --> 00:37:29.617 The amusement park? 00:37:29.823 --> 00:37:33.122 Wait, outside L.A.? Yeah. We went there as kids. 00:37:33.327 --> 00:37:35.227 That place totally blows. 00:37:37.431 --> 00:37:39.956 My mind. It's-- it's so fun. 00:37:40.167 --> 00:37:42.863 Just good entertainment for the whole family. 00:37:43.070 --> 00:37:44.935 Yeah, no, actually, I went there as a kid too. 00:37:45.139 --> 00:37:47.232 In fact, this probably counts as off-season. 00:37:47.441 --> 00:37:49.909 Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there. 00:37:50.110 --> 00:37:51.442 Tallahassee: Yeah, we heard. Uh-- 00:37:51.646 --> 00:37:56.549 you know what, I may not shoot you, but you have still royally pissed me off, 00:37:56.751 --> 00:38:00.380 and I'm not going to play with you at pacific playland. 00:38:02.290 --> 00:38:04.884 Don't worry, he grows on you. Really? 00:38:05.093 --> 00:38:06.617 No. It gets worse. 00:38:06.828 --> 00:38:09.228 Okay. How about we play the quiet game? 00:38:09.431 --> 00:38:10.898 Yeah? Starting now. 00:38:13.601 --> 00:38:15.569 Oh, um, I've actually been meaning to ask you: 00:38:15.770 --> 00:38:18.000 Did you-- did you hear anything about, uh, Columbus, Ohio? 00:38:18.206 --> 00:38:20.470 You never played the quiet game? Sorry. 00:38:20.675 --> 00:38:22.802 No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus, Ohio. 00:38:23.011 --> 00:38:26.105 It's a total ghost town. It's burned to the ground. 00:38:34.889 --> 00:38:35.981 You're Columbus. 00:38:36.224 --> 00:38:37.384 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:38:37.592 --> 00:38:38.957 I'm sorry. 00:38:39.160 --> 00:38:41.685 I didn't realize it was... 00:38:42.497 --> 00:38:45.796 I'm not sure what's more tragic: That my family is gone, 00:38:46.000 --> 00:38:49.834 or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with. 00:38:50.038 --> 00:38:53.997 Either way, I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for I'll find by going home. 00:38:54.209 --> 00:38:56.109 I have no home. 00:38:56.311 --> 00:38:57.710 Uh... 00:38:58.546 --> 00:39:02.073 We can, uh, get you a ride. 00:39:03.418 --> 00:39:06.546 You know, you can go see for yourself, 00:39:06.755 --> 00:39:09.155 or settle somewhere new. 00:39:09.824 --> 00:39:11.189 [Quietly] Okay. 00:39:12.327 --> 00:39:14.795 I could tell she knew what I was feeling. 00:39:15.330 --> 00:39:18.322 We were all orphans in zombieland. 00:39:19.033 --> 00:39:21.001 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:39:31.412 --> 00:39:34.848 I know this pacific playland thing is nuts, 00:39:36.918 --> 00:39:40.376 but it's just been so long since she got to be a kid. 00:39:40.755 --> 00:39:43.383 Yeah, it's tough growing up in zombieland. 00:39:43.591 --> 00:39:45.924 It's tough growing up. 00:39:51.433 --> 00:39:52.730 There. 00:39:52.935 --> 00:39:54.732 You could take that truck. 00:39:59.542 --> 00:40:04.070 Well, I, uh, hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. 00:40:06.115 --> 00:40:09.448 And don't let go, once you do. 00:40:20.863 --> 00:40:22.353 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:40:22.565 --> 00:40:25.398 It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go. 00:40:25.601 --> 00:40:29.264 It was because, in that moment, it became clear. 00:40:29.471 --> 00:40:33.908 Wherever this girl was, that's where I wanted to be. 00:40:52.494 --> 00:40:57.227 Tallahassee: Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. 00:40:57.499 --> 00:41:00.559 "Wantum your wampum." Yeah. That'ii work. 00:41:00.769 --> 00:41:02.634 Wichita: Okay, but what the hell are we doing? 00:41:02.838 --> 00:41:05.398 Columbus: Just humor him. Trust me. 00:41:09.078 --> 00:41:10.568 [Car doors open, close] 00:41:12.014 --> 00:41:13.982 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:41:16.886 --> 00:41:18.353 Hold up. 00:41:19.755 --> 00:41:21.620 Who wants to go first? 00:41:21.824 --> 00:41:25.157 I really, really wanna impress Wichita, 00:41:25.361 --> 00:41:27.488 but it would be in violation of rule 17, 00:41:27.696 --> 00:41:31.632 maybe the most important rule of all: Don't be a hero. 00:41:31.834 --> 00:41:35.497 Why don't you take this one? Tallahassee: Don't mind if I do. 00:41:38.875 --> 00:41:40.103 [Rings bell] 00:41:40.911 --> 00:41:41.900 [Zombie growling] 00:41:42.112 --> 00:41:43.101 [Guns cock] 00:41:44.748 --> 00:41:46.511 [Gunshot] 00:41:47.517 --> 00:41:49.712 [Zombie gurgling] 00:41:49.920 --> 00:41:52.218 What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? 00:41:52.756 --> 00:41:55.657 Close, but no cigar. Zombie kill of the week 00:41:55.859 --> 00:41:58.293 goes to sister Cynthia knickerbocker. 00:41:59.062 --> 00:42:00.051 [Rings bell] 00:42:00.263 --> 00:42:01.787 [Growling] 00:42:03.433 --> 00:42:04.832 Poor flat bastard. 00:42:05.035 --> 00:42:05.302 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:42:05.303 --> 00:42:06.997 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:42:26.489 --> 00:42:27.478 [Sniffs] 00:42:27.691 --> 00:42:29.158 Perfume? What? 00:42:29.359 --> 00:42:30.690 Is that perfume? 00:42:30.894 --> 00:42:33.863 Um-- it's cologne. 00:42:34.064 --> 00:42:35.088 I'm thinking, 00:42:35.298 --> 00:42:36.287 [sniffs] 00:42:36.499 --> 00:42:37.557 Lancôme magnifique. 00:42:37.767 --> 00:42:39.496 Why don't you speak up a little? 00:42:39.703 --> 00:42:42.194 I think they might have missed it in Santa fe. 00:42:44.441 --> 00:42:45.999 [Laughs] Oh, my God. 00:42:46.209 --> 00:42:47.836 All right. Okay. 00:42:48.745 --> 00:42:51.407 You're thinking about fucking Wichita. 00:42:52.582 --> 00:42:56.109 Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. 00:42:57.153 --> 00:42:58.381 Hey. 00:42:58.588 --> 00:43:00.055 [Sniffs then chuckles] 00:43:00.256 --> 00:43:01.951 Good luck now, Petunia. 00:43:03.326 --> 00:43:04.452 [Sprays] 00:43:08.965 --> 00:43:11.991 Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology 00:43:12.202 --> 00:43:14.466 by saying that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential. 00:43:14.671 --> 00:43:20.041 It's okay, but fyi, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. 00:43:20.977 --> 00:43:25.539 I'm sure. You get, uh, 45 percent power. 00:43:25.749 --> 00:43:27.080 Thank you. 00:43:27.283 --> 00:43:28.375 [Glass breaking] 00:43:28.585 --> 00:43:31.452 Tallahassee: Yeah. Come on, break another one. 00:43:35.760 --> 00:43:37.352 Nice. 00:43:40.197 --> 00:43:41.425 Doesn't that feel good? 00:43:42.333 --> 00:43:43.595 Yah! 00:43:43.801 --> 00:43:45.769 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:43:47.905 --> 00:43:48.894 [Laughs] 00:44:31.182 --> 00:44:34.481 Sometimes, Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things, 00:44:34.685 --> 00:44:37.984 even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things. 00:44:38.189 --> 00:44:40.589 [Willie Nelson's "blue eyes crying in the rain" playing over car stereo] 00:44:40.791 --> 00:44:41.780 [Wichita sniffs] 00:44:41.992 --> 00:44:44.153 Wichita: Smells like perfume. 00:44:46.564 --> 00:44:48.361 You don't know who Willie Nelson is? 00:44:48.566 --> 00:44:49.965 No. 00:44:51.035 --> 00:44:52.400 Willie Nelson? 00:44:52.603 --> 00:44:54.503 Yeah, no, I don't. 00:44:54.705 --> 00:44:56.104 [Crash kings' "it's only Wednesday" playing over car stereo] 00:44:56.307 --> 00:44:59.208 Yeah, I shave every morning, but sometimes by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing. 00:44:59.410 --> 00:45:02.379 It's called 5:00 shadow, but sometimes I'll get it prematurely. 00:45:02.580 --> 00:45:06.516 Since it's a freeway, you can get it up to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75. 00:45:06.717 --> 00:45:10.414 You don't wanna go more than 20. Don't worry about a blind spot. 00:45:10.621 --> 00:45:12.589 Blind spots are for other drivers. 00:45:12.790 --> 00:45:15.418 It's like the first time that I've ever driven. 00:45:15.626 --> 00:45:19.756 So do you never strap in or it's just on long road trips? 00:45:19.997 --> 00:45:22.727 It's just, you know, there's zombies everywhere. 00:45:22.933 --> 00:45:24.525 I think the least of my worries. 00:45:24.735 --> 00:45:26.727 Yeah, that's true. Is seat belts. 00:45:26.938 --> 00:45:28.064 Yes, but, no, she's not. 00:45:28.273 --> 00:45:30.935 She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig. 00:45:31.143 --> 00:45:34.237 Okay. Right. Only wig. So... 00:45:34.446 --> 00:45:37.415 [Doves' "kingdom of rust" playing over car stereo] 00:45:38.250 --> 00:45:40.275 It's kind of freeing. 00:45:40.519 --> 00:45:42.384 Yeah. 00:45:44.122 --> 00:45:48.286 For the first time in a long time, we were having fun. 00:45:48.527 --> 00:45:50.859 So even though it ran counter to our strategies, 00:45:51.062 --> 00:45:53.860 we decided to stay together as far as pacific playland. 00:46:22.928 --> 00:46:24.987 Columbus : You know, I think sleep deprivation is, like, the number one 00:46:25.197 --> 00:46:26.221 health problem in America. 00:46:26.431 --> 00:46:28.661 Heh-heh. Well, now I think it might be number two. 00:46:28.900 --> 00:46:31.130 [Laughing] Number two. 00:46:31.336 --> 00:46:32.325 That's adorable. 00:46:32.571 --> 00:46:34.505 I'm just saying I think we should find a place to crash. 00:46:34.706 --> 00:46:35.764 Oh, I got an idea. 00:46:35.974 --> 00:46:39.569 We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. 00:46:44.583 --> 00:46:46.312 Grab a map. 00:46:47.953 --> 00:46:49.921 [Growling] 00:46:52.357 --> 00:46:53.847 Wichita: Come on. 00:46:54.092 --> 00:46:55.855 Tallahassee: Hurry! Hurry! 00:46:56.094 --> 00:46:58.119 Good job. 00:46:58.330 --> 00:47:00.298 [All growling] 00:47:03.735 --> 00:47:06.863 Columbus: Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block. 00:47:07.105 --> 00:47:10.506 What exactly you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally? 00:47:11.009 --> 00:47:13.170 Wichita: I kind of pictured tom cruise living somewhere nicer. 00:47:13.378 --> 00:47:17.371 B-iister compared to who I got in mind, folks. 00:47:17.616 --> 00:47:20.643 We're going to the tippy-top of the a-iist. 00:47:20.853 --> 00:47:22.650 Wichita and little rock: Who? Tallahassee: You'll see. 00:47:29.328 --> 00:47:30.659 Hey. There's a big bm. 00:47:32.064 --> 00:47:33.861 Tallahassee: And it ain't Bob Marley. 00:47:36.736 --> 00:47:37.930 Columbus: Whoa. 00:47:40.706 --> 00:47:43.106 This place is incredible. 00:47:53.286 --> 00:47:58.690 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to la mançion de Murray. 00:47:58.891 --> 00:48:02.349 Ah. Bill Murray. God, no way. 00:48:02.561 --> 00:48:06.019 This guy has a direct line to my funny bone. 00:48:06.232 --> 00:48:08.063 Everything-- wait. Who's bill Murray? 00:48:08.267 --> 00:48:09.928 Hey, I've never hit a kid before. 00:48:11.570 --> 00:48:14.038 All right? I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is. 00:48:14.774 --> 00:48:16.435 Who's Gandhi? 00:48:16.676 --> 00:48:18.871 Columbus: She's 12. 00:48:21.981 --> 00:48:23.949 No twinkies. Shit, fuck! 00:48:24.183 --> 00:48:26.617 See? I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's. 00:48:26.819 --> 00:48:29.413 No one listens to me. Hello, inside voices. Okay? 00:48:29.622 --> 00:48:31.249 At least until we know we're alone. 00:48:31.457 --> 00:48:34.392 Hey, Tallahassee, Wichita, why don't you take that way. Little rock, come here. 00:48:34.593 --> 00:48:36.925 Why do I get stuck with her? 00:48:37.296 --> 00:48:39.264 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:48:40.266 --> 00:48:42.734 It doesn't seem to end. 00:48:48.107 --> 00:48:51.099 Hey, come here. Whoa. 00:48:51.310 --> 00:48:53.972 He has his own movie theater? 00:48:55.081 --> 00:48:56.514 Whoa. 00:48:57.650 --> 00:49:00.210 Okay, I'm gonna teach you a little something about bill Murray. 00:49:02.154 --> 00:49:04.782 A king slept right here. 00:49:05.925 --> 00:49:08.120 Dibs on the bed. 00:49:08.494 --> 00:49:09.859 [Grunts] 00:49:10.663 --> 00:49:13.326 Too soft for me, anyway. 00:49:15.369 --> 00:49:18.338 [Ray Parker Jr.'s "ghostbusters" playing over speakers] 00:49:20.173 --> 00:49:23.301 Oh, this is so exciting. You're about to learn who you gonna call. 00:49:23.510 --> 00:49:25.774 It's ghostbusters. 00:49:27.547 --> 00:49:29.515 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:49:43.897 --> 00:49:45.865 This is pretty catchy. 00:49:46.666 --> 00:49:48.258 Come on. 00:49:48.468 --> 00:49:50.800 Help me with the boots. Come on. 00:49:51.004 --> 00:49:52.437 Help me with the boots. 00:49:52.639 --> 00:49:56.439 Okay. I'll get them myself. 00:49:56.743 --> 00:49:58.711 ["Ghostbusters" continues playing] 00:50:15.128 --> 00:50:16.117 [Yelps] 00:50:16.329 --> 00:50:18.058 Shit. 00:50:23.503 --> 00:50:25.027 Bill Murray, you're a zombie? 00:50:28.008 --> 00:50:33.503 Ah! Ah! Oh! I'm on fire! Ouch! 00:50:33.847 --> 00:50:35.906 Tallahassee: You're not a zombie, you're talking, and-- 00:50:36.116 --> 00:50:38.914 you're okay? The hell I am! 00:50:39.119 --> 00:50:42.748 I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was "you" you. 00:50:42.956 --> 00:50:44.924 Are you--? What's with the get-up? 00:50:45.125 --> 00:50:47.855 Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. 00:50:48.061 --> 00:50:50.052 Zombies don't mess with other zombies. 00:50:50.263 --> 00:50:52.322 Buddy of mine, makeup guy, showed me how to do this. 00:50:52.532 --> 00:50:55.865 Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. 00:50:56.069 --> 00:50:59.596 Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. 00:50:59.840 --> 00:51:03.776 Just played nine holes on the riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there. 00:51:03.977 --> 00:51:08.210 Goddamn it, bill fucking Murray! 00:51:08.416 --> 00:51:10.577 I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. 00:51:10.785 --> 00:51:14.778 This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. 00:51:14.989 --> 00:51:17.685 Maybe not lately, but I'm-- I'm such a huge fan of yours. 00:51:17.892 --> 00:51:19.189 I mean, I swear, you know, 00:51:19.393 --> 00:51:22.521 I've seen every one of your movies a million times. 00:51:22.730 --> 00:51:27.565 I even love your dramatic roles and just everything. 00:51:27.768 --> 00:51:31.568 Six people left in the world, one of them is bill fucking Murray! 00:51:31.772 --> 00:51:35.401 I know that's not your middle name. I been watching you since I was like... si-- 00:51:35.610 --> 00:51:39.046 since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. 00:51:39.247 --> 00:51:41.943 [Mimics murray] "A former greenskeeper about to become the masters champion." 00:51:42.149 --> 00:51:46.813 [Laughing] 00:51:47.021 --> 00:51:49.216 Well, that's why we do it. 00:51:50.424 --> 00:51:52.415 I love you, bill. I love you. 00:51:52.693 --> 00:51:54.092 [Mouths] I thank you. 00:51:54.428 --> 00:51:55.622 Tallahassee: Thank you. 00:51:56.130 --> 00:51:58.394 You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece. 00:51:58.599 --> 00:52:02.091 I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look remarkably like Eddie van halen. 00:52:02.303 --> 00:52:04.134 I just saw Eddie van halen. Nuh-uh. 00:52:04.338 --> 00:52:05.305 Really? Yeah. 00:52:05.506 --> 00:52:06.495 Wow. Where? 00:52:06.707 --> 00:52:08.140 At the Hollywood bowl. How was that? 00:52:08.342 --> 00:52:09.639 He's a zombie. 00:52:09.844 --> 00:52:11.812 Aw. That's a tough break. 00:52:12.013 --> 00:52:14.641 So, uh, how about a little west coast hospitality? 00:52:14.849 --> 00:52:16.111 Can I-- wha-- can I get you something? 00:52:16.317 --> 00:52:17.579 What would you-- what would you like? 00:52:17.818 --> 00:52:19.752 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:52:27.662 --> 00:52:28.822 [Tallahassee coughs] 00:52:29.030 --> 00:52:31.191 Murray: Smooth, isn't it? Wichita: Mm-hm. 00:52:31.432 --> 00:52:34.230 Oh, hurry. Hurry, he's on the ceiling. 00:52:34.435 --> 00:52:35.424 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:52:35.636 --> 00:52:38.332 Come get him. Avoid the chandelier. Light him up, ray. 00:52:38.539 --> 00:52:42.635 See you on the other side, Pete. Oh, he's so disgusting. 00:52:42.843 --> 00:52:45.676 Looks like slimer. Don't cross the streams! 00:52:45.880 --> 00:52:47.871 Ah! I don't wanna cross-- oh, no, he's awful. 00:52:48.082 --> 00:52:50.516 Don't cross the streams! 00:52:53.254 --> 00:52:56.485 Thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds. 00:52:56.691 --> 00:52:57.817 That's a big twinkie. 00:52:58.492 --> 00:53:00.324 Your sister is, uh, single, right? 00:53:00.529 --> 00:53:02.963 There's nothing long distance or anything? 00:53:03.165 --> 00:53:04.928 No. Oh, good, good. 00:53:05.968 --> 00:53:08.960 And if she had, like, a type, you know, 00:53:09.171 --> 00:53:12.197 if you can have a type, what would that be, you think? 00:53:12.407 --> 00:53:14.671 She kind of goes for, like, bad boys. 00:53:14.876 --> 00:53:16.070 Really? Yeah. 00:53:16.278 --> 00:53:17.836 That's cool. 00:53:18.046 --> 00:53:19.570 What? 00:53:19.815 --> 00:53:21.305 Oh, whoops. 00:53:21.516 --> 00:53:26.215 So Columbus is the scared one? Yeah. He's like a little bunny. 00:53:27.022 --> 00:53:28.751 I'll get him. 00:53:31.059 --> 00:53:32.390 Watch this. 00:53:32.594 --> 00:53:34.289 [Moaning and growling] 00:53:38.300 --> 00:53:40.461 Oh! Oh! 00:53:41.803 --> 00:53:42.997 Tallahassee: No. 00:53:43.205 --> 00:53:45.070 Columbus: No, no, it's okay, it's okay. 00:53:45.273 --> 00:53:47.070 I got him. 00:53:47.676 --> 00:53:50.474 [Panting] 00:53:51.413 --> 00:53:54.541 Is that how you say hello where you come from? 00:53:55.217 --> 00:53:56.548 Oh, my God. 00:53:56.752 --> 00:53:59.619 Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot bill Murray. 00:54:01.056 --> 00:54:05.493 Mr. Murray? I'm just bill, I think, now. 00:54:06.261 --> 00:54:08.388 Bill? Yeah? 00:54:08.597 --> 00:54:11.760 I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. 00:54:12.367 --> 00:54:15.564 Ahh. That's still tender. 00:54:15.771 --> 00:54:17.500 You think you might pull through? 00:54:21.043 --> 00:54:22.237 No. 00:54:22.444 --> 00:54:25.436 If it means anything now, I am so sorry. 00:54:25.647 --> 00:54:27.547 It was just instinctive. 00:54:27.749 --> 00:54:29.444 It was my bad. 00:54:29.651 --> 00:54:32.882 I was never a very good practical joker. 00:54:33.488 --> 00:54:35.080 So do you have any regrets? 00:54:35.290 --> 00:54:36.655 [Chuckles] 00:54:38.193 --> 00:54:40.559 Garfield, maybe. 00:54:42.998 --> 00:54:46.195 [Exhaling] 00:55:01.751 --> 00:55:03.275 [Laughs] 00:55:05.088 --> 00:55:08.057 I'm sorry, he just gets me. 00:55:09.625 --> 00:55:11.456 But it still is sad. [Quietly] Yeah. 00:55:14.497 --> 00:55:16.692 Okay. Oh, shit. 00:55:16.899 --> 00:55:17.888 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:55:18.134 --> 00:55:20.125 Okay. Okay. 00:55:20.803 --> 00:55:23.636 Okay. Shit. Okay. 00:55:24.107 --> 00:55:25.233 Oh. 00:55:32.148 --> 00:55:37.677 Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel. Sorry. 00:55:37.887 --> 00:55:39.377 Okay. 00:55:44.327 --> 00:55:48.286 Three, two, one. 00:55:49.432 --> 00:55:51.024 You guys want some purell? Yes. 00:55:51.234 --> 00:55:52.292 Please. Yeah. 00:55:52.668 --> 00:55:53.692 Around the world. 00:55:57.907 --> 00:55:59.374 Yes. Columbus: Whoa. 00:56:00.777 --> 00:56:02.870 Oh, free parking. Yeah. 00:56:03.079 --> 00:56:05.513 Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about zombieland. 00:56:05.715 --> 00:56:08.548 No, best thing about z-land, no Facebook status updates. 00:56:08.751 --> 00:56:11.584 You know, "rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." 00:56:11.788 --> 00:56:15.884 Who cares? The best thing is no more flushing. 00:56:16.092 --> 00:56:19.425 Epic. And the worst thing about z-land? 00:56:19.662 --> 00:56:22.187 Columbus: You mean, other than the fact that I shot bill Murray? 00:56:22.398 --> 00:56:24.525 That's easy. Losing buck. 00:56:25.568 --> 00:56:27.365 That's his puppy. 00:56:27.570 --> 00:56:31.768 I'm gonna tell you, I never thought I could love anything like buck. 00:56:31.974 --> 00:56:36.035 He was just-- the day he was born, I just lost my mind. 00:56:38.214 --> 00:56:39.203 Sorry. 00:56:39.415 --> 00:56:40.712 [Sighs] 00:56:40.917 --> 00:56:43.385 We were-- we were two peas. 00:56:43.586 --> 00:56:49.548 He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite. 00:56:49.760 --> 00:56:50.852 Laugh? 00:56:51.061 --> 00:56:54.724 That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long-- 00:56:54.932 --> 00:56:56.866 me, with the best cardie in the business. 00:56:57.067 --> 00:56:59.797 --To realize I wasn't the only one running from something. 00:57:00.237 --> 00:57:01.602 [Cries] 00:57:01.805 --> 00:57:03.773 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:57:06.310 --> 00:57:10.440 Oh, there it is. There you go. 00:57:10.647 --> 00:57:14.174 Oh, you like the syrup. Yes. 00:57:15.452 --> 00:57:17.113 Okay. 00:57:17.588 --> 00:57:19.556 [Giggling] 00:57:24.094 --> 00:57:27.222 We made this wallet together out of duct tape. 00:57:33.103 --> 00:57:34.331 Take away a man's son, 00:57:34.872 --> 00:57:37.306 you've truly given him nothing left to lose. 00:57:44.581 --> 00:57:45.980 [Sighs] 00:57:47.885 --> 00:57:51.582 I haven't cried like that since Titanic. 00:57:53.690 --> 00:57:55.021 [Sniffles] 00:58:01.865 --> 00:58:03.093 [Gunshot] 00:58:03.333 --> 00:58:04.925 [Gun cocks] 00:58:05.135 --> 00:58:06.500 [Gunshot] 00:58:06.703 --> 00:58:08.671 [¶ ¶ ¶] 00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:11.467 Hi. 00:58:14.111 --> 00:58:15.669 [Sighs] 00:58:16.914 --> 00:58:18.381 [Gunshot] 00:58:32.529 --> 00:58:33.689 A hint. 00:58:34.665 --> 00:58:41.765 Why don't you, uh, exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger? 00:58:47.578 --> 00:58:49.273 [Exhales slowly] 00:58:49.914 --> 00:58:51.245 [Gunshot] 00:59:02.927 --> 00:59:03.985 [Taps bottle] 00:59:15.039 --> 00:59:16.734 Don't make me drink alone. 00:59:16.941 --> 00:59:18.670 Okay. 00:59:24.215 --> 00:59:28.276 It's a 1997 geor-- georges? 00:59:28.486 --> 00:59:29.578 [Chuckles] 00:59:29.787 --> 00:59:33.746 I never took French. Georges de latour? I don't know. 00:59:33.958 --> 00:59:37.189 Oh, it's a '97? Yeah. 00:59:37.395 --> 00:59:39.727 Was that a good year? Oh, my God. 00:59:39.931 --> 00:59:41.421 It was great year. Are you kidding me? 00:59:41.632 --> 00:59:45.261 I saw my first r-rated movie that year. 00:59:45.470 --> 00:59:47.370 Yeah, anaconda. Ah. Anaconda. 00:59:47.572 --> 00:59:49.039 [Chuckles] 00:59:49.240 --> 00:59:52.471 Um-- first tattoo, porpoise. 00:59:52.677 --> 00:59:54.736 Really? Oh. Fake. 00:59:55.079 --> 00:59:57.070 First kiss. 00:59:57.882 --> 00:59:59.042 Scotty lynch. 00:59:59.684 --> 01:00:02.346 You guys used tongue? 01:00:02.553 --> 01:00:04.885 [Chuckles] 01:00:05.089 --> 01:00:07.080 Maybe. 01:00:07.959 --> 01:00:09.483 You jealous of Scotty lynch? 01:00:11.095 --> 01:00:13.586 Uh, yes, I am. Um-- 01:00:13.798 --> 01:00:18.258 actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. Uh-- 01:00:18.469 --> 01:00:22.235 let's see. Mine, um, uh-- 01:00:22.440 --> 01:00:24.567 first orthodontist. 01:00:24.776 --> 01:00:27.836 The bastard gave me headgear. Yeah. I got my first b. 01:00:28.046 --> 01:00:29.946 [Chuckles] Oh, no. 01:00:30.148 --> 01:00:32.639 Frightening as anaconda. Um-- 01:00:33.484 --> 01:00:36.818 in wood shop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. 01:00:37.022 --> 01:00:39.456 No. Um... 01:00:39.658 --> 01:00:42.218 Had my first, uh, school dance. Oh, thank you. 01:00:42.428 --> 01:00:46.387 It was a sadie Hawkins, so girls' choice, you know. 01:00:48.934 --> 01:00:50.765 Ugh. What, and nobody picked you? 01:00:50.969 --> 01:00:53.267 It was girls' choice. 01:00:53.472 --> 01:00:55.872 Those bitches. I know. 01:00:56.075 --> 01:00:58.942 No, I will not stand for this. No. You know what? 01:00:59.678 --> 01:01:02.078 On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, 01:01:02.281 --> 01:01:05.444 I would like to make it up to you. 01:01:05.651 --> 01:01:07.619 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:01:08.253 --> 01:01:09.345 Relax. 01:01:09.555 --> 01:01:11.853 Scotty's old news. 01:01:15.060 --> 01:01:16.357 [Chuckles] 01:01:47.126 --> 01:01:51.654 I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. 01:01:51.864 --> 01:01:56.267 You know, between you, me and what about Bob?, 01:01:57.870 --> 01:01:59.599 you're actually kind of cute. 01:01:59.805 --> 01:02:00.863 You think so? 01:02:02.107 --> 01:02:03.404 Yeah. 01:02:04.209 --> 01:02:06.871 I mean, you got the guts of a guppy, 01:02:07.713 --> 01:02:09.840 but I could hit that. 01:02:13.418 --> 01:02:15.283 Really? 01:02:15.821 --> 01:02:19.279 Or at least give you the intentional walk to first. 01:02:29.669 --> 01:02:31.500 Hey, a little help moving the couch? 01:02:31.704 --> 01:02:35.071 Oh. We're making a fort. 01:02:36.743 --> 01:02:38.301 [Chuckles] 01:02:40.146 --> 01:02:42.137 Yeah. Yeah, that's probably for the best. 01:02:42.348 --> 01:02:44.145 Right. Uh, because, um, 01:02:46.085 --> 01:02:47.712 I like you, 01:02:47.921 --> 01:02:50.481 Columbus, but, um-- but, uh, my sister and I, 01:02:50.690 --> 01:02:53.955 are gonna do whatever it takes to survive, so... 01:02:56.796 --> 01:02:58.764 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:03:05.171 --> 01:03:07.833 I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get, 01:03:08.074 --> 01:03:10.508 but I realized she had more trust issues than I did, 01:03:10.710 --> 01:03:13.577 when I woke up the next day and she was leaving. 01:03:13.780 --> 01:03:14.838 [Door slams] 01:03:15.048 --> 01:03:17.573 [Tires screeching] 01:03:18.284 --> 01:03:20.309 You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, 01:03:20.520 --> 01:03:23.648 like, developed in a secret fucking government lab. 01:03:24.123 --> 01:03:25.590 Hey. 01:03:25.792 --> 01:03:28.454 Wichita: I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? 01:03:28.661 --> 01:03:31.357 Trust no one, just you and me. Just you and me. 01:03:32.165 --> 01:03:34.360 Yeah. You and me. 01:03:34.601 --> 01:03:36.569 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:03:47.981 --> 01:03:50.347 Wichita: You have just survived the zombie apocalypse, 01:03:50.550 --> 01:03:52.518 and drove halfway across the country. 01:03:52.719 --> 01:03:54.186 Where are you gonna go? 01:03:54.387 --> 01:03:57.879 I'm going to pacific playland. Whoo! Ha-ha. 01:04:16.242 --> 01:04:18.733 Wichita: Open sesame. 01:04:27.354 --> 01:04:28.343 [Door closes] 01:04:28.555 --> 01:04:31.217 This is the problem with getting attached to someone. 01:04:31.425 --> 01:04:34.019 When they leave you, you just feel lost. 01:04:34.228 --> 01:04:36.355 Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me, 01:04:36.563 --> 01:04:38.190 it just made me feel more alone. 01:04:38.399 --> 01:04:42.062 Hey. You weren't exactly gonna score, anyway. 01:04:42.269 --> 01:04:45.636 You know, you weren't storming the trenches before I came along. 01:04:47.675 --> 01:04:50.838 That's why I don't let people close. You only get burned. 01:04:51.045 --> 01:04:52.069 You don't say. 01:04:54.214 --> 01:04:55.681 Mexico. 01:04:55.883 --> 01:04:57.942 You know what they call twinkies in Mexico? 01:04:58.152 --> 01:04:59.449 [Speaks in spanish] 01:05:00.120 --> 01:05:04.284 That's where I'm headed, amigo. Whatever. 01:05:04.958 --> 01:05:06.926 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:05:23.610 --> 01:05:25.578 [Carnival music playing over speakers] 01:05:29.950 --> 01:05:31.042 [Chuckles] 01:05:44.431 --> 01:05:46.399 [Growling] 01:05:57.678 --> 01:05:59.270 [Wichita and little rock laughing] 01:05:59.480 --> 01:06:00.708 Little rock: Oh, my God. Wichita: I know. 01:06:00.914 --> 01:06:01.903 Little rock: This is really fun. 01:06:02.116 --> 01:06:03.276 Little rock: Oh, my God. Wichita: Yeah. 01:06:03.484 --> 01:06:05.281 [Both laugh] 01:06:08.622 --> 01:06:10.055 [Zombies growling] 01:06:10.257 --> 01:06:11.918 [Both laughing] 01:06:26.574 --> 01:06:27.734 [Chuckling] 01:06:27.976 --> 01:06:29.739 Oh, no. 01:06:33.014 --> 01:06:34.447 I'm going after Wichita. 01:06:34.649 --> 01:06:38.176 Look, you ever read that book she's just not that lnto you? 01:06:38.386 --> 01:06:40.320 You can't make yourself too available. 01:06:40.522 --> 01:06:43.150 I don't care, all right? I wanna be with her. 01:06:43.558 --> 01:06:45.753 Have fun in Mexico. 01:06:45.960 --> 01:06:46.594 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:06:46.595 --> 01:06:47.117 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:06:48.396 --> 01:06:50.626 [Zombies growling] 01:06:50.832 --> 01:06:52.493 Come on. Hurry. 01:06:56.738 --> 01:06:57.898 Get in. 01:07:07.048 --> 01:07:08.982 Come on, go. 01:07:10.585 --> 01:07:11.847 Go, go. 01:07:13.388 --> 01:07:15.083 [Screams] 01:07:24.899 --> 01:07:28.801 On the count of three. One, two, three. 01:07:30.538 --> 01:07:32.472 [Grunting] 01:07:35.343 --> 01:07:36.640 [Zombies scream] 01:07:40.114 --> 01:07:41.411 [Sighs] 01:07:42.550 --> 01:07:46.247 Uhn. You okay? Come on. Hurry, get up. 01:07:46.454 --> 01:07:47.614 Come on, let's go. Yeah. 01:07:48.656 --> 01:07:49.782 [Zombie growling] 01:07:53.561 --> 01:07:55.324 There. 01:08:12.848 --> 01:08:18.286 Um, uh... I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, 01:08:20.022 --> 01:08:21.114 that'll do, pig. 01:08:22.124 --> 01:08:24.115 That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, 01:08:24.326 --> 01:08:26.419 and you stole it from a movie. 01:08:29.632 --> 01:08:31.759 Tell the ladies I said hey. 01:08:31.967 --> 01:08:34.492 You know, their pictures were in someone's wallet too. 01:08:38.440 --> 01:08:40.408 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:08:47.516 --> 01:08:49.245 [Tires squeal] 01:08:51.754 --> 01:08:52.948 [Groans] 01:08:53.155 --> 01:08:54.850 [Engine starts] 01:08:57.092 --> 01:08:58.889 [Tires squeal] 01:09:00.162 --> 01:09:01.959 Hop in the car, evel knievel. 01:09:02.431 --> 01:09:06.299 Let's go ride the roller coaster. Thanks. 01:09:11.140 --> 01:09:12.869 [Panting] 01:09:16.345 --> 01:09:17.937 Go! 01:09:21.116 --> 01:09:22.242 [Growling] 01:09:24.420 --> 01:09:26.411 [Zombies grunting] 01:09:28.824 --> 01:09:30.553 [Little rock screams] 01:09:32.695 --> 01:09:34.026 Ah! 01:09:35.130 --> 01:09:36.995 [Both screaming] 01:09:55.317 --> 01:09:56.841 [Both whimpering] 01:09:57.052 --> 01:09:58.383 [All growling] 01:09:58.587 --> 01:10:00.214 [Little rock screaming] 01:10:16.439 --> 01:10:17.736 [Panting] 01:10:17.941 --> 01:10:19.408 Not as fun as I remember. 01:10:20.043 --> 01:10:21.567 [Metal thuds] 01:10:22.245 --> 01:10:23.234 [Both whimpering] 01:10:23.446 --> 01:10:24.674 [Both growling] 01:10:25.281 --> 01:10:27.476 Wichita: Shoot the control box. 01:10:39.195 --> 01:10:40.787 [Exhales slowly] 01:10:40.997 --> 01:10:42.521 [Gunshot] 01:10:43.199 --> 01:10:45.292 [Both chuckling nervously] 01:10:48.772 --> 01:10:50.330 [Zombies growling] 01:10:59.983 --> 01:11:01.245 Columbus? Tallahassee? 01:11:01.451 --> 01:11:05.979 I think they might actually require our assistance this time. 01:11:06.189 --> 01:11:09.886 Buckle up. Yeah. I'm way ahead of you. 01:11:11.661 --> 01:11:14.129 Time to nut up or shut up. 01:11:17.067 --> 01:11:18.329 [Zombies growling] 01:11:18.568 --> 01:11:20.092 Holy shit. 01:11:42.125 --> 01:11:46.494 My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. 01:11:46.696 --> 01:11:49.096 Who'd have guessed that something would be zombie killing? 01:11:49.299 --> 01:11:50.288 Probably nobody. 01:11:51.868 --> 01:11:53.460 Look. 01:11:56.240 --> 01:11:58.868 We better start working on our apology. 01:12:13.324 --> 01:12:15.986 Oh, no. No. 01:12:23.267 --> 01:12:24.291 Both: Hey! 01:12:24.502 --> 01:12:25.833 Wichita: Hey! Ohio! Little rock: Over here! 01:12:26.036 --> 01:12:28.004 Wichita: Hey! Help! Little rock: Help! 01:12:28.205 --> 01:12:30.639 Oh, my God. Little rock: Help! 01:12:30.841 --> 01:12:32.240 Hey! 01:12:32.843 --> 01:12:34.310 Wichita: Help! 01:12:34.512 --> 01:12:37.640 Hey, they're up there. They're okay. What are you waiting for? 01:12:37.848 --> 01:12:38.872 That's your gal. 01:12:40.918 --> 01:12:42.112 Wichita: Over here! Little rock: Help! 01:12:42.319 --> 01:12:44.082 [Air horn blaring] 01:12:44.855 --> 01:12:48.347 Come on! Come get a piece of Tallahassee! 01:12:48.559 --> 01:12:50.493 Anybody hungry? 01:12:50.694 --> 01:12:55.324 Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on! 01:12:55.533 --> 01:12:56.830 Come on, you ugly bastards! 01:12:57.034 --> 01:12:59.002 [Zombies growling] 01:13:15.986 --> 01:13:17.453 Holy shit. 01:13:19.490 --> 01:13:21.014 Holy shit. 01:13:21.225 --> 01:13:22.920 Little rock: Hey! 01:13:24.862 --> 01:13:28.320 Ha-ha. Whoo. Whoo, whoo. 01:13:37.842 --> 01:13:39.275 [Panting] 01:13:39.977 --> 01:13:41.274 Ah! 01:13:41.679 --> 01:13:43.647 [Growling] 01:13:48.486 --> 01:13:49.578 Motherfucker! 01:13:54.259 --> 01:13:55.453 [Growling] 01:14:04.169 --> 01:14:05.534 [Growling] 01:14:14.246 --> 01:14:15.804 [Screams] 01:14:18.450 --> 01:14:21.112 [Growls] 01:14:21.319 --> 01:14:23.514 Wichita: Shit. I'm out of shells. 01:14:27.325 --> 01:14:28.417 Bingo. 01:14:35.166 --> 01:14:36.724 Hee-hee! 01:14:36.968 --> 01:14:38.333 Yeah! 01:14:39.271 --> 01:14:40.499 Oh, yeah. 01:14:41.039 --> 01:14:42.028 Whoo! 01:14:42.407 --> 01:14:43.874 [Cocks gun] 01:14:44.075 --> 01:14:45.906 [Laughs] 01:14:50.515 --> 01:14:52.176 Here we go. 01:14:52.417 --> 01:14:54.044 [Laughs] 01:14:54.252 --> 01:14:56.220 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:14:56.554 --> 01:14:58.522 [Tallahassee cackling] 01:15:02.794 --> 01:15:07.754 [Voice screaming over speakers] 01:15:08.300 --> 01:15:11.326 [Howling over speakers] 01:15:16.574 --> 01:15:18.565 [Growling] 01:15:24.349 --> 01:15:25.611 [Gasps] 01:15:26.017 --> 01:15:27.780 [Zombie growling] 01:15:27.986 --> 01:15:29.453 [Gunshots] 01:15:33.158 --> 01:15:34.921 [Gun clicking] 01:15:35.126 --> 01:15:36.957 [Growling] 01:15:37.395 --> 01:15:39.363 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:16:33.319 --> 01:16:35.048 [Zombie growling] 01:16:53.639 --> 01:16:55.231 [Panting] 01:16:59.278 --> 01:17:01.212 [Screams] 01:17:11.390 --> 01:17:13.358 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:17:22.835 --> 01:17:25.463 Oh. Oh, shit. 01:17:26.739 --> 01:17:29.503 Columbus: Wichita! Little rock! Hurry! 01:17:29.708 --> 01:17:31.232 [Growling] 01:17:32.645 --> 01:17:34.704 Oh, my God. 01:17:34.947 --> 01:17:37.007 Look at this fucking clown. 01:17:38.185 --> 01:17:40.050 [Moans then growls] 01:17:40.253 --> 01:17:43.017 Of course. It had to be a clown. 01:17:43.223 --> 01:17:45.123 Fuck. 01:17:46.493 --> 01:17:49.951 No, wait, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita 01:17:50.163 --> 01:17:51.994 for me to finally understand 01:17:52.833 --> 01:17:55.393 that some rules are made to be broken. 01:17:57.737 --> 01:17:59.068 [Growling] 01:17:59.272 --> 01:18:00.671 Time to nut up or shut up. 01:18:05.212 --> 01:18:07.077 Fuck this clown. 01:18:18.125 --> 01:18:19.422 [Bell rings] 01:18:21.695 --> 01:18:23.629 [Growling] 01:18:25.499 --> 01:18:26.488 [Little rock screaming] 01:18:37.777 --> 01:18:39.472 [Screams] 01:18:39.679 --> 01:18:41.806 [Little rock screams] 01:18:44.985 --> 01:18:46.282 [Exhales] 01:18:51.258 --> 01:18:52.782 Thanks. Hey. 01:18:53.026 --> 01:18:56.189 Get your gun. Here you go. Hi. 01:18:56.763 --> 01:18:57.923 Okay. 01:19:06.940 --> 01:19:09.101 Krista. 01:19:13.813 --> 01:19:15.781 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:19:42.476 --> 01:19:46.173 Okay. We should probably head out now. 01:19:50.685 --> 01:19:52.983 Finally got to first base. 01:19:53.187 --> 01:19:56.418 Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. 01:20:03.898 --> 01:20:05.798 Where's Florida? 01:20:06.000 --> 01:20:07.297 Uh... 01:20:09.537 --> 01:20:11.095 I have a little hunch. 01:20:13.140 --> 01:20:16.632 Tallahassee: Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards? 01:20:16.844 --> 01:20:18.277 Where are you? Columbus: Yo. 01:20:20.314 --> 01:20:23.112 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 01:20:23.317 --> 01:20:25.285 False advertising. 01:20:28.923 --> 01:20:30.288 Jesus Christ. 01:20:32.026 --> 01:20:33.516 You want a sno ball or something? 01:20:33.728 --> 01:20:34.888 [Clattering] 01:20:39.300 --> 01:20:41.268 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:20:45.373 --> 01:20:47.466 [Creaking] 01:20:50.144 --> 01:20:52.112 [Screams] 01:20:54.749 --> 01:20:57.149 [Panting] 01:21:00.755 --> 01:21:02.985 Columbus: Oh, God. 01:21:09.063 --> 01:21:11.998 Words cannot express. 01:21:12.667 --> 01:21:13.656 It's too soon. 01:21:13.868 --> 01:21:17.861 Do you think you could maybe just pick out the buckshot and just kind of eat around it? 01:21:18.072 --> 01:21:19.266 Okay, yeah. 01:21:19.473 --> 01:21:21.270 [Engine starts] 01:21:21.475 --> 01:21:23.341 No! 01:21:23.545 --> 01:21:25.945 No! No! 01:21:28.750 --> 01:21:29.910 That face? 01:21:30.118 --> 01:21:33.417 That's me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck 01:21:34.890 --> 01:21:37.552 and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket, 01:21:37.959 --> 01:21:40.450 they were the closest to something I'd always wanted 01:21:40.662 --> 01:21:41.924 but never really had. 01:21:42.597 --> 01:21:44.064 A family. 01:21:44.266 --> 01:21:46.928 I trusted them and they trusted me. 01:21:50.639 --> 01:21:52.937 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 01:21:54.343 --> 01:21:56.140 Tallahassee got his twinkie. 01:21:56.345 --> 01:22:00.475 And even though life would never be simple or innocent again, 01:22:00.716 --> 01:22:03.810 as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream, 01:22:04.019 --> 01:22:06.249 we had hope. We had each other. 01:22:06.455 --> 01:22:07.888 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:22:08.090 --> 01:22:12.618 And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie. 01:22:12.861 --> 01:22:14.624 Thank you so much. You had us going. 01:22:14.830 --> 01:22:15.956 Yeah. 01:22:16.164 --> 01:22:18.462 Whoa, whoa. Whoa. 01:22:18.667 --> 01:22:20.225 That was very funny. 01:22:20.435 --> 01:22:21.902 So until next time, remember: 01:22:22.104 --> 01:22:25.073 Cardie, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything, 01:22:25.273 --> 01:22:27.104 but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. 01:22:27.309 --> 01:22:28.640 [Grunts] 01:22:29.644 --> 01:22:34.411 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from zombieland, saying good night. 01:25:09.272 --> 01:25:11.241 [¶ ¶ ¶] 01:26:58.448 --> 01:27:03.546 In the words of the immortal Jean-Paul sartre... 01:27:08.559 --> 01:27:11.585 In the-- in the immortal-- how do you do it? 01:27:11.796 --> 01:27:13.093 Just give me a little hint. 01:27:13.297 --> 01:27:19.759 In the words of, uh, the immortal, uh, philosopher Jean-Paul sartre, uh, 01:27:20.838 --> 01:27:22.738 au revoir, gopher. 01:27:22.940 --> 01:27:23.998 Okay. 01:27:24.876 --> 01:27:26.844 [¶ ¶ ¶]